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Ian Clark's Raw Recap

Raw opens with Bret Hart and Theodore Long coming out together.

Hart: "Welcome to the very first viewer's choice edition of Monday Night Raw! For the very first time ever, you can go to and vote on the stipulations and matches as they're announced."

Long: "Thank you Bret for having me here, because you and I, we know that the WWE Universe is in control of the Superstars of Raw and Smackdown, and you may even decide the fate of the WWE Championship."

"Everyone that's involved in the WWE Fatal Four Way match is in action, but you get to pick their opponents!"

"Okay, but here's what we gotta talk about right now playa, let's talk about Randy Orton."

Orton comes out at the mention of his name.

"Bret, I want you to forget about the viewer's choice for one second, I actually have a choice for you. You see, I want Edge, and I want Edge tonight! So either you're going to give him to me, or I'm going to go backstage and get him for myself, so I'm going to make sure that one way or another, you give him to me. So what's it gonna be, Bret, do I have a match or not?"

Edge is out. "Hey, hey, hey, you know what, Bret, if Randy wants a match that bad, I say we give him what he wants, so I can finish what I started."

Long: "Now hold on just a minute, now Bret, I know this isn't my show, but I wanna run something by ya." He whispers in Hart's ear.

Hart: "I like that. Since this is viewer's choice, we're gonna let everyone in the arena decide."

Long: "We're gonna choose, they can either face off in a debate, a situp contest, or a one-armed match with Edge's arm tied behind his back."

Hart: "So what's it gonna be? Debate? (boos) Situp contest? (boos) Or one armed match? (cheer) I guess it's gonna be a one-armed match."

Edge: "That's not fair to me!"

With this, Edge storms off. Teddy Long announces the first viewer's choice match will be Chris Jericho vs. the Big Show in either a submission match, over-the-top-rope challenge or bodyslam challenge. Polls last through the next commercial break, which begins after Big Show's entrance.

Commercial ends with Show still in the ring with his music playing. Matt Striker announces that the viewers picked... Body Slam Challenge? Huh. Jericho's out next, looking pissed.

Match One: Body Slam Challenge: Big Show vs. Chris Jericho

Show offers Jericho an attempt to slam him, Jericho responds with a slap, Show takes him down with an open fist and chops him. Jericho dodges a charge in the corner, goes for a body slam, fails brutally. Show hits him with a headbutt and goes for the knockout blow, Jericho bails. Show tries to pull him back in, Jericho drops his arm across the ropes and then kicks the same arm several times, pulls it every which way but loose (actually only loose) and punches it. Show goes for a chokeslam, blocked, Jericho off the top, swatted down, Jericho darts off the ropes, Show catches him and bodyslams him.

Winner: Big Show

Show then puts him in the Colossal Clutch and makes him tap. The announcer declares him "winner by submission". Show then tosses him over the top and leaves. I'm thinking maybe they didn't actually tell them which stipulation won... Another viewer's choice match, Hart Dynasty will take on either The Usos, the Dudebusters, or Khali and Hornswoggle. They each get the chance to make their cases, starting with the Usos.

"For the past couple weeks, the Usos have been laying you out!" "You better hope these people don't make it three weeks!"

Dudebusters: "If you wanna become a better person in life, you'll vote for the Dudebusters." "Dude, I just voted for us, I feel better already."


Hart Dynasty are in the ring. Striker announces their opponents: Khali and Hornswoggle.

Match Two: Unified Tag Team Championships: Hart Dynasty (c) vs. The Great Khali and Hornswoggle

Kidd and Khali to start. Kidd with kicks, off the ropes, taken down with a sledge, Khali takes him to the corner and hits an elbow before chopping his chest. He drags him out and bodyslams him before tagging in Hornswoggle, who goes for the Tadpole splash and misses. Smith dropkicks Khali off the top and Kidd pins Hornswoggle.

Winners: The Hart Dynasty

The Usos attack the champions again, and a brawl erupts before the Harts get the upper hand for the first time and clear the ring. Lawler says he has a problem and leaves the booth. Michael Cole introduces a recap of the new Undertaker saga. Fuck what intensity from Kane. Guest hosts A-Team up next.

After the commercial, Bradley Cooper comes out and wonders where the rest of the cast went. Jerry Lawler continues searching backstage for someone, it's not made clear who. Lawler is shuffled into another room by two cameramen, revealed to be the A-Team in disguise. Lawler reveals someone stole his crown, Rampage Jackson says he thinks he knows who took it. Outside the two are accosted by the Bella Twins, who refer to them by their real names, but the A-Team stay in character.

Match Three: Santino Marella vs. Vladmir Kozlov

The match is viewer's choice. Match, arm-wrestling or dance-off. Marella is out, then a commercial break, then Kozlov.

Striker announces it will be... Dance-off.

Marella jokes that he used to be the sixth Backstreet Boy before dancing to a generic club beat. I don't really know how to describe it other than to say it'll probably be on Youtube soon. It's really the strangest thing I've ever seen...

Kozlov calls Marella a "Very serious contender", but that he is stronger and faster. Kozlov then breaks out a similarly indescribable dance. Kozlov wins it by audience reaction! Kozlov and Marella then dance together before Kozlov knocks him on his ass and laughs his way out of the ring. The Divas will either compete in a 6-on-6 tag, a battle royale, or a champion vs. champion match.

The face Divas enter first, then the heel divas, but none of them leave the ramp. Jerry Lawler announces the results, and the winner is... Diva Battle Royale.

Match Four: Diva Battle Royale

Match opens with chaos, Rosa Mendes is out. Bella twins are working together, Team LayCool as well, and they toss Tiffany out. Kelly Kelly leaves several minutes later via similar methods. Bella Twins with Maryse on the ropes, Alicia Fox and Gail Kim eliminate each other. Team LayCool toss out both Bellas before Eve takes both of them out, but eventually they rally before Eve tosses them both out and they BOTCH leaving the ring. Down to Maryse, Eve and Jillian, the heels double-team Eve. Eve rallies back to no avail. Maryse taunts her before they both toss her out. Jillian initiates a high-five and celebrates as the co-winners before Maryse tosses her out.

Winner: Maryse

King and Cole recap the night's events so far, and Sheamus runs into Kane backstage. Kane tells Sheamus that even though he's on Raw, he took out HHH for the fame, so what's to say he didn't do the same to the Undertaker. Sheamus responds that if he did it, the world would know. Kane says he hopes he sees him very soon. Sheamus will take on either Kane, Mark Henry or Evan Bourne next.

Match Five: Sheamus vs. TBA

Sheamus will face... KANE!

Match Five: Sheamus vs. Kane

Kane looks outright gleeful as Sheamus looks uncharacteristically nervous. Kane takes early control and tosses him out of the ring. He punches him and tosses his head into the barricade. He smacks his head against the apron and goes up top. Sheamus crotches him and punches him before hitting him with a powerslam for two. Commercial.

Back on, Sheamus is dominating with sledge shots before covering for two. He locks in a bow and arrow stretch before Kane hits a vicious Big Boot and tosses him into the corner before clotheslining him and hitting a sidewalk slam, another clothesline and a cover for two. Kane up top, hits the diving clothesline and sets up for the Chokeslam, which is blocked, sledge misses, Chokeslam blocked again, Sheamus with a reverse DDT backbreaker. Kane rebounds by tossing him over the top rope by his throat. Sheamus crawls back in the ring and gets a chokeslam. He manages to roll out of the ring and answer the referee's ten-count, although he drops off the ropes instead of breaking the count.

Winner via countout: Kane

John Cena will face either Jack Swagger, Rey Mysterio or CM Punk... that's a tough one actually.

A video package airs for Wade Barrett. Wade walks in for an interview with Savannah. Barrett says the result of NXT was never in question, and that in one week's time, he will have accomplished something no one's ever accomplished before.

Backstage, Ted Dibiase is griping about viewer's choice, when the A-Team confront him about stealing the crown. Dibiase denies it. IRS comes out of nowhere and says that Lawler never paid back taxes on the jewels before they all get gassed. Huh...

R-Truth and The Miz will face off in a tag match next. Their partners are up for vote.

Match Six: R-Truth and TBA vs. The Miz and TBA

Truth out first, and his partner will be... John Morrison. The still-unnamed tag team returns! Miz is out next, and he mocks the decisions made earlier in the night. He says he doesn't really care who his partner is, because he will win and the first chance he gets he will take back the United States Championship. His partner will be... Zack Ryder.

Match Six: Truth and Wisdom (I think) vs. The Miz and Zack Ryder

Truth and Miz to begin, lockup, Miz with a hair-pull takedown. Off the ropes, Truth leapfrogs, armdrag, tags in Jomo, double team hiptoss, Truth back in, double team suplex for two. Miz takes Truth down, Ryder in, neckbreaker for two. Drags him up, Miz in, Ryder holds him in place while Miz delivers a kick to the gut, then another. Miz with a boot to the face while Truth is down, then a headlock. Truth powers out with a backdrop, goes for a tag, Miz holds his leg back, Truth boots him, Jomo in, two chotheslines, whip, boot, Morrison hits a boot of his own, goes for a cover, Ryder breaks it up, Truth in, nails Miz, Ryder tosses him out of the ring, Morrison dropkicks Ryder, Miz with a Skull-Crushing Finale for the victory.

Winners: The Miz and Zack Ryder

The heels celebrate on the ramp while Truth consoles Morrison in the ring.

Edge tries to talk Bret Hart out of the match, Hart refuses. Kane confronts Hart and asks if he did it, and if that was what he really meant by "closure". Hart has no time to respond before Kane leaves.

Match Seven: Edge vs. Randy Orton (One-armed match)

Edge is out first, Orton takes his time as the fans chant "RKO" before his music hits. Damn, Fatal 4 Way is two weeks away and his arm is still in a sling. There's no way they're pulling this off. I'm not even sure how this match is going to work, since even falling on his shoulder is going to fuck him up badly. Lawler echoes my statements as the referee ties Edge's arm.

The match begins with the two circling each other before Edge misses a clothesline and the two resume. Edge misses a boot, Orton hits a clothesline and stomps on Edge's appendages. He drops down for an RKO, fails, Edge with a clothesline, Orton lands on the injured shoulder. Edge unties his arm and stomps Orton's injured shoulder until the ref disqualifies him. Why'd he have to untie the arm if all he did was stomp him?

Winner by DQ: Randy Orton

Edge goes for the spear, Orton boots him and kicks him in the head to knock him out of the ring. He continues to stalk Edge who hits him in the shoulder with a chair. Someone in the crowd is screaming at him and they sound oddly like Vickie Guerrero. Edge hits a one-man Conchairto on Orton's shoulder. He slinks up the ramp grinning from ear to ear as Orton slowly makes his way back up. King and Cole recap the voting from earlier in the night, specifically the Divas match.

Backstage, Evan Bourne thanks John Cena for letting him tag with him last week, and Cena thanks him for doing so well at it and proving himself. Savannah asks Cena how he feels about not knowing his opponent. Cena says his life has been chaos for the past couple months and tonight his fate is in the hands of people who are actually fair and balanced about it.

What's his face from the A-Team (not Baracus) wakes up from being gassed and Gene Okerlund accosts him. He tells him that if he pulls off finding the crown he'll actually stand a chance of besting the original A-Team, something Josh Matthews never succeeded in doing after replacing Okerlund (he actually says that).

Drew McIntyre comes out, and his opponent will be either Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust or a "mystery opponent" whose shadow closely resembles Matt Hardy, but who clearly isn't. After the commercial, the opponent is announced to be the mystery man, who is... actually Matt Hardy!

Match Eight: Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy

McIntyre begins to protest the match to the referee before taking a mic and announcing that the match is not happening because Hardy is still suspended. Teddy Long reminds him that Hardy was only suspended from Smackdown. The match begins with Hardy mounting punches on McIntyre before Cactus Clotheslining him over the top rope and throwing him across the announce table then into the barricade. One into the ringpost and a punch to the face for good measure before throwing him into the ring. McIntyre gets a superkick in and charges for the corner, missing. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate for the win!

Winner: Matt Hardy

Hardy continues the assault after the bell, getting a lock of McIntyre's hair before the referee separates the two and McIntyre backs out. Hardy... eats the hair?

Rampage Jackson/B. A. Baracus awakes chained to a chair as Dibiase, Virgil and IRS inform him they're headed to the ring.

Raw comes back from commercial with Jackson, Dibiase and crew in the ring. Dibiase takes a mic.

"You're probably wondering why this is happening to you. Everyone has a price, even me. A certain someone told me they wanted B. A. Baracus of the A-Team delivered to them on a silver platter, so I named my price and I cashed in."

Roddy Piper is out! "B. A. Baracus! Well we know the B. A. doesn't stand for bachelor of arts, does it? Now the first Wrestlemania, all I heard was the A-Team, the hottest show on television! Mr. T's the biggest star in the world! Well I silenced Mr. T. And now you, Mr. T. Gotta start all over again. A-Team, the movie. The biggest movie this summer! Ho ho, big boy, you listen to me, everyone asks me 'you gonna go see the A-Team?' NO I'M NOT GONNA GO SEE THE DAMN A-TEAM! Every time you think you've got the answers, I change the questions, so now I'm gonna beat the bad attitude out of B. A. Baracus."

Dusty Rhodes, Gene Okerlund and that other guy from the A-Team are out. Rampage levels Virgil, then levels Dibiase. Rhodes takes out IRS, and Piper shoves Virgil into Jackson, who chokeslams him. Piper escapes with the crown. Okerlund asks how they pulled it off, and they say that Okerlund did it when he talked about living the dream, and gave him the idea to call the American Dream. Apparently Piper didn't leave with the crown. Shit segment!

Next week's guest host will be Mark Feuerstein. Apparently he's the star of "Royal Pains". Josh Matthews asks Cena's potential opponents why they should be picked. Mysterio says he's the top dog on Smackdown, and he can get the job done. Swagger says he should be picked just for the Champion vs. Champion factor alone. CM Punk says he's the only one who can make John Cena a better person, and it's just a formality. Either way, the champ is hurr!

Main Event: John Cena vs. TBA

Matt Striker announces the results, and CM Punk wins with 45% of the vote!

Main Event: John Cena vs. CM Punk

Hopefully Cena can do the right thing and make Punk look golden. Lockup, Cena goes for the mask, Punk bails. Another lockup, avoided by Punk kicks and a headlock. Cena throws him off into the ropes and takes him out with a clothesline. The crowd chants "You can't wrestle" as Cena indicates the contrary as the two play headlocks off each other, culminating in Cena locking in a good head scissor hold and Punk getting out before Cena goes for the maks again.

Punk kneeing Cena and hitting shoulder blocks in the corner. Punk hits a snapmare and a dropkick to the back of the head for two before sinking in a triangle choke. Cena counters and goes for the STF, Punk grabs the ropes. Cena whips him into the corner and hits a bulldog, runs off the ropes and Gallows trips him. Commercial.

The show comes back on with Cena in a headlock, reverses into an FU attempt, Punk counters into a DDT for two. Cena gets tossed outside, and Serena kicks him in the gut for good measure. Punk also kicks him in the back and throws him in the ring. He drops an elbow to the back and kicks him a few times again. Cena comes back with shots, whip, reversed, Cena hits a shoulder tackle. Then another. Then the protoplex. Wade Barrett arrives on the ramp and Cena drops the Five-Knuckle Shuffle. He goes for the FU, but drops Punk to focus on Barrett.

All the other NXT Rookies swarm the SES outside the ring and circle the ring with Cena still in it. David Otunga dummies the referee. Cena swings for Barrett but things don't work out in his favour. Danielson locks in a crossface and the remaining rookies bombard him. Striker gets taken out and Lawler goes down swinging. The rookies flip the announce table, dismantle the set and demolish the camera crew, as well as Justin Roberts and I think Howard Finkel. The rookies actually begin to dismantle the ring and tear up the floor mats. Cena gets a second wind but is taken out again. Otunga hits a spinebuster on him and the entire group systematically destroys him. Now it's Punk's turn to be swarmed as Danielson pulls at his mask.

The giant guy levels Cena with a clothesline and Slater strangles him with the ring ropes. Danielson spits in his face and taunts him. Wade Barrett hits his Fireman's Carry bodyslam finisher and Justin Gabriel hits a 450 splash on him. The EMTs hit the ring as the rookies leave to check on John Cena. Cena's eyes are open but there's no one there as they help him onto a stretcher. Cena flashes a thumbs-up to the crown as the show fades off the air.

1 comments: on "Ian Clark's Raw Recap"

kathy said...

i've asked b4 and never got an answer, how long does it take to type out a show WORD FOR WORD ??