Ian Clark's Raw Recap

Raw opens inconspicuously, and HHH's music hits. The Game, one of the few people there, comes out in a hat (strange...) and takes the mic.

"Okay, okay, don't suck up to me 'cause you know I'm the only guy here. In case you've been living in a cage somewhere, a giant volcano erupted in Iceland. And here's the thing: it really freaked out the world. Travel is ruined everywhere, and it's not really that big a deal for us in the WWE. We're used to big gaseous eruptions, just usually it involves Big Show and Mexican food.

I can say that 'cause he's not here tonight. But unfortunately, a volcano did erupt and unfortunately the entire Raw roster is stuck in Europe.

Now, I know what you're thinking, 'great, now I have to watch HHH wrestle a 2-hour iron man match with Frank the Audio Guy', but that's not going to happen, because although I wasn't on the tour and everyone else was, the WWE Brass, they, we always refer to them as they, them... they have been working feverishly to ensure that you have a show of the highest standards. Now I am here tonight, and I will be there this Sunday to wrestle Sheamus in a streetfight.

That's right, if that pasty-faced teabag makes it back here, I'm going to beat him any colour but white. He thinks he made an impression by bashing Kofi Kingston with a monitor, and he did. You think you're a bad dude? If you're bad, I'm deadly. It's been a long time since I've wanted to deal out a beating like I want to now. Well I've got bad news for you buddy--"

CM Punk's music interrupts, as of course he is one of many Smackdown wrestlers "invading" Raw to fill out the card.

Punk: "You know, fortunately for this show, the Smackdown crew had the fortitude to make it through the cloud of ash. Unfortunately for myself, I happen to be here in New Jersey. Hey, you used to do this, I got two words for ya: Jersey sucks. And so I'm out here to let you all know that next week I might no longer be part of the Smackdown crew. The draft is next week, and if I'm part of Raw, I'm bringing the Straight Edge Society with me."

"You're bringing the entire Straight Edge Society? Both of them? While we're at it, why do they have to shave their heads and you don't? And I've seen you with your shirt off, you've got that mohair sweater thing going on, did she have to shave her chest too?"

"Oh, you've got jokes. It's the same reason Shawn Michaels was bald and you didn't have to shave yours. I'm the leader, and who are you to question me? See my hair is pure because no foreign chemicals or substances has ever touched my hair."

"By foreign chemicals you mean shampoo and soap, right? You know, Punk, the thing is, it's probably not going to make a difference anyway. You have a hair match at Extreme Rules, so even if you are part of the Raw roster, you won't just be president of the hair club, you'll be a member."

"Oh, you think Rey's going to shave me bald? You, you think Rey Mysterio is gonna beat me? Oh look, you're just as naive as all these people. Sunday night I am going to crush Rey's spirit and all these people are going to realize that straight-edge is the most powerful force in the world and fall in line. You could use a little straight-edge in your life yourself."

"You make a good point. Part of me would like to join, but haven't we had this conversation on Smackdown? I believe in freedom. We're free to do what we want to do, for example, everyone here chose to be here, to be a part of the WWE Universe and to go absolutely crazy. Let's look around this place. If that crazy guy in the crowd wants to go to the concession stand and buy as much beer as he wants, as long as he's got a ride home, he can do it. Or these crazy two guys.

If they want to go to another state where they can celebrate their union, they can do it. Look at Lillian Garcia! If she wants to return to the WWE for one night only just to horse around, she can do it. Look at me. If I want to stand here, in front of the bald wonder twins, and beat the crap out of you, I can do it."

"Look, I already told you I don't wanna be here. I just thought I could come out here and you would be on board. You'd wanna start off Raw with something huge, and I really thought that you would come out here and shave your head, but apparently there's a miscommunication. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you."

Luke Gallows grabs HHH from behind and the SES beat him down. Gallows grabs a chair and Serena grabs a set of hair clippers. Rey Mysterio makes the run-in and takes out Punk, they Gallows, then Punk again, then he and HHH toss Gallows out. Mysterio and HHH stalk Punk with the hair clippers and Mysterio gets away with a handful of Punk's hair before Gallows gets a distraction and Punk escapes only slightly mortified. John Cena will be there in some capacity next as the show goes to commercial.

Match One: Drew MacIntyre vs. Matt Hardy (non-title)

Matt starts off the match with body shots, MacIntyre responds in kind, but Matt takes back control with a neckbreaker and a clothesline to the outside. Hardy dives off the apron and continues, but MacIntyre manages to throw him backward into the steel steps.

Back inside, MacIntyre takes control with three brutal fists in the corner, as the ref begs him off. Matt swings at air, but MacIntyre connects. Hardy still connects the side effect for two, then a neckbreaker for two. Hardy goes for the twist of fate, MacIntyre goes for the Future Shock, Hardy drops him off, goes for the Twist of Fate again and their heads collide. Hardy goes up top, but MacIntyre knocks him off and covers him for three.

Winner: Drew MacIntyre

Interesting match for what it was. John Cena is live in Belfast via satellite. Cena says flights are grounded, they're being very well taken care of, and they're sorry. Cole asks how Cena's preparing in this situation. Cena says there's no change, and come Sunday, he will be there no matter what to be the last man standing.

The *** ********** ******** is Kozlov last week.

Kozlov's in the ring. "My name is Kozlov, and I have been treated poorly. King, you read my statement. Come on!"

King heads to the ring and picks up a sheet of paper. "Okay, this is your statement. 'I, Vladmir Kozlov, and protesting the unfair treatment by the Raw guest hosts. I am an elite athlete, and I demand elite competition. I wouldn't expect you to understand, you are all spoiled, ignorant Americans. You are physically inferior, and therefore weak. Furthermore, you are all from a state devoid of class. I cannot wait for my fellow Russian to buy your NBA franchise and move it out of the state forever.'"

"Now, I demand better competition."

Will Forte and... Vicky St. Elmo? come out, apparently in character.

"So you like to make people read things, huh? Let me show you how it's done."

St. Elmo, reading off paper, "In honour of America, undisputed winner of the Cold War and last remaining superpower, Mr. McMahon has ordered a super-powered main event: CM Punk, Luke Gallows and Chris Jericho vs. HHH, Rey Mysterio and Edge."

Forte: "Who do you think you are, Kozlov? No one rips on the state of New Jersey. Some of the greatest Americans ever are from New Jersey. Jon Bon Jovi, Paul Blart Mall Cop. You know why you're not treated better? It's because you're... what's Russian for giant pile of suck?"

"Insult me one more time and I will destroy you."

"Don't worry. I won't say another word about you. Your mother, on the other hand... based on how you turned out, I'd say the most depressing, cobweb infested place in the world is your mom's uterus."

St. Elmo: "He doesn't speak for both of us... I'm sure your mom's uterus is... awesome."

Kozlov: "I won't get angry. I will just destroy you. Later tonight."

Forte/MacGruber: "You want a match tonight? Well, based on your cavalcade of lies, I'd say you need a strong dose of... The Truth!"

R-Truth is out.

MacGruber: "That's right you've got nowhere to run. And if you want to get away, I've rigged this place with explosives, isn't that right R-Truth?"

An explosion goes off and only R-Truth's shoes remain. Apparently this means the match is on between Kozlov and MacGruber... who's trying to actually be MacGruber and not Kozlov. Ugh. That was actually the shittiest guest host segment ever.

Back from commercial, MacGruber is trying to leave, but HHH stops him. And he pissed his pants. MacGruber tries to say that they were a friend's pants, and he pissed himself worrying about how MacGruber's going to do in his match, and MacGruber agreed to trade pants with him. Then Kane walks in and MacGruber says it was him. GAHSHITPISSFUCK!

Orton is now on camera, looking introverted. He says that wherever he ends up after the draft is wherever the title will be.

They show a re-airing of the triple threat main event last week.

Lillian Garcia (Yes, that Lillian Garcia) introduces Jack Swagger.

"Randy, Randy, Randy, talk is cheap when you're 3000 miles away. If you were here, I'd show you exactly why I'm the World Heavyweight Champion. I'm issuing an open challenge right now. I know what you're thinking, when someone issues an open challenge, some monster comes through the curtain and destroys them. But that's because the issuer isn't usually me. Anyone in the locker room who thinks they can go toe to toe with the All-American American, the World Heavyweight Champion, come on out."

There's a long pause. "That's what I thought." Swagger goes to exit the ring and... gong. Undertaker enters in his Lord of Darkness robe.

Match Two: Undertaker vs. Jack Swagger (non-title)

Swagger navigates around Undertaker before they lock up. Swagger gets Undertaker in a headlock, Taker throws him off. Swagger responds with a shoulder block. Another lockup, this time Undertaker with a headlock. Then Undertaker with a shoulder block. Taker twists Swagger's arm and tackles him, then repeat, dropping a leg on the arm.

Dragging Swagger back up by the same arm, going up for Old School, connects. Swagger stomps Taker's knee, Taker takes him down. Swagger hits a scoopslam for two. Swagger with more shots, rolls him to the apron. Taker gets out on the outside. Swagger follows, Taker nails him in the face, then slams his head off the steps. He goes to whip him in the steps, reversed.

Swagger gets in the ring and stretches, before rolling Taker in and dropping an elbow to the leg, then another, then a knee. Swagger twists the leg in the corner, ref forces a break. Swagger punching Taker in the ropes, Taker grabs him and pulls him out of the ring. Sets him up on the apron and drops the leg across the throat of Swagger. Rolls back in and pulls Swagger up for a snap suplex for two. Now with Swagger in a chinlock, then an elbow for a two-count. Commercial.

Back on, Swagger has Undertaker in a leglock, Taker powers out with a foot to the face. Sawgger just goes back at it. Taker breaks out by pulling Swagger's face, Swagger responds by dropping a bunch of knees, Taker gets a headlock in for a few seconds before Swagger goes back in to the hold. Swagger goes for a figure-four, Taker knocks him out of the ring.

Swagger slams Taker's knee into the post, then slides back in and covers for two. Swagger goes back for the leg, Taker responds with his leg across Swagger's throat. Repeatedly. Both men to their feet, trading punches, Swagger gets the better, then Taker, Swagger cuts him off at the leg again. Taker hits a running DDT for two. Taker whips Swagger into the corner and hits Snake Eyes, a boot and a legdrop for two.

Taker calls for the chokeslam, Swagger to his feet slowly, Undertaker sets up, Swagger breaks with an elbow, Taker boots him for two. Whips Swagger, Swagger reverses into a DDT for two. Swagger getting the boots in on Taker, sets up for his trademark splash, Taker catches him with a chokeslam, makes his trademark throat-cutting motion and hits the tombstone for three.

Winner: The Undertaker

So... the second clean loss Swagger's sustained as champ. Well that's nice.

Next is a sneak peak of MacGruber.

Jericho is in the back, talking to SES. He claims the key to victory is that they acknowledge him as the leader.

MacGruber talks to Jericho and thanks him for being in the movie. So... MacGruber is just supposed to be deliberately really in character? Jericho tells him to shake Kozlov's hand to throw him off.

Match Three: Vladmir Kozlov vs. Will Forte as MacGruber

Kozlov is already in the ring, MacGruber comes out next and the two have the most bizarre staredown ever. MacGruber extends his hand, and St. Elmo says "hit him, hit him." MacGruber does so, and Kozlov annihilates him with arm trap headbutts and sets him up for a spinebuster before Ryan Phillips shows up and announces it is now a handicap match and his partner is Khaluber... who is Khali in a weird outfit.

And his name reminds me of Kaladar. If anyone's reading this in the small town of Kaladar, hi! Love your town! Kozlov tries to lift Khali, Khali responds by beating the hell out of him in the corner. He sets up, then goes for the chokebomb, but Kozlov escapes with headbutts, jets off the ropes and takes a chop. Kozlov exits the ring and Khali chases him.

Winners: MacGruber and Khaluber, who's still supposed to be taking time off. Huh?

MacGruber gets on the mic and says you don't mess with the United States, and if you do, there will always be one guy ready to defend her, and he is known simply as... MacGruber! So says the graphic.

Cole and King run down the Extreme Rules card:

Last Man Standing match for the WWE Championship: Batista vs. John Cena (c)

Hair vs. Nothing match: CM Punk (hair) vs. Rey Mysterio (nothing)

Street Fight for the World Heavyweight Championship: Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger

Street Fight: HHH vs. Sheamus

Steel Cage Match: Chris Jericho vs. Edge

And it's main event time.

Main Event: HHH, Edge and Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk, Luke Gallows and Chris Jericho

HHH is out first, Sheamus pops in via satellite and says he's lucky he didn't come on the trip for other reasons than he thinks. Sheamus then randomly attacks a completely unidentified crew person. Or Santino Marella. I don't know. Edge is out next, followed by Mysterio. The heels enter with SES jogging to the ring first, followed by Chris Jericho.

Mysterio and Jericho to start, Jericho takes control, whips, Mysterio with the leg scissors, goes for 619, Jericho bails, SES joins him, Mysterio with an aided dive to all three. Commercial. Punk and Mysterio when the show resumes, Mysterio goes for his bulldog, gets dumped, Gallows in, dominates generally the fallen Mysterio, pins him for two. Smacks the shit out of him, Jericho in.

Jericho stomps Mysterio in the corner, then reverse drops him. Mysterio goes for a tag, Jericho catapults him into the corner, clotheslines him, whips him, Mysterio gets a boot in, splashes him for two, Edge and Gallows in. Edge with a shot, then a block, one for Punk, Gallows sets up for a body slam, Edge-o-matic. Sets up for a speak, Serena causes the distraction, Jericho pulls him out and beats on him until HHH chases him off. Jericho tosses him back in, Punk in, brief double-team, Jericho in, Edge selling the ankle. Jericho raises a fist, places Edge's ankle across the rope and stomps it. Punk in, sets in a heel lock. Edge breaks it, Gallows in.

Gallows presses the ankle in the corner, Edge pushes him off and hits a top rope clothesline. HHH and Punk in, HHH with a knee, whip, reversed, HHH drops the knee and covers for two. Whip into the corner, Punk gets the boot up, HHH hits the Spinebuster. HHH sets up for the pedigree, Gallows clotheslines him. A clusterfuck occurs, ending in Edge setting up Punk for the 619, Mysterio hitting it and HHH hitting the Pedigree for the win.

Winners: HHH, Edge and Rey Mysterio

The faces celebrate as the commentators remind us that next week is the draft, and my first three-hour Raw! Join us all in the chat if you dare. That's the show.

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