Check This Out...


Ian Clark's Raw Recap

Freddie Blassie, maker of Champions! Gimme a hell yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the new World Heavyweight Champion, Jack Swagger!

Swagger comes out looking exactly like Chris Jericho, between the suit and the demeanor.

"Roll it." A replay airs of Smackdown when Swagger won the title. "Last Friday I made history. I cashed in Money in the Bank and became your new World Heavyweight Champion. Now before I begin with the state of the championship, I have a few opening remarks.

Last week I was considering cashing in on WWE Champion John Cena, but then I thought if I'm truly going to be recognized for who I am, a champion, I needed to take on a champion superior to John Cena, a champion who calls himself the best in the world at what he does, former World Champion Chris Jericho. Had I taken on Cena I would've beaten him faster than I did Jericho, which was all of nine seconds. The truth is I have to now consider giving my skills exclusively to Smackdown, because no one on Raw compares to my abilities. Now, as for the state of the World Championshi--"

Cena's music cuts in and the other champ walks to the ring.

"First order of business, congratulations! Jack Swagger is officially the luckiest man in the world, cashed in a briefcase to become world Champion. That's the easy part. You're about to learn that these people don't care about what you've done, they care about what you're about to do. So what is Jack Swagger about to do? You're going to Smackdown! I get it, the championship belongs to Smackdown.

But you said nobody on Raw can compete with Jack Swagger. The problem is there's one Raw Superstar, standing in the ring with you wearing orange, who's calling you a liar. And that same Raw Superstar, who's looking at you sweating profusely clutching that notepad furiously, thinks you're not championship material.

I've earned this, and I say you haven't. I say behind that bravado, you are nothing but a weasel. I bet you'd like to shut me up, wouldn't you? I'll give you a chance. If this is your last night on Raw, face me in a match. Not convinced? I'll do what a champion does, and step up. Since I'm so sure I'm going to make you tap out like I did Batista, I'll put the WWE Championship on the line."

"John, that doesn't work for me on a couple of levels, and let me tell you what those are--"

Randy Orton's music interrupts Swagger for a second time. "Now I am sure that Mr. Swagger here being the competitor he is would want to face the man who beat him last week. Me."

WEEEEEEELL, AWESOME! ShowMiz are out now. Miz: "Really, Cena, Orton, really? So typical to come out and steal the spotlight, but let's face the facts, let's face the issue at hand. This show isn't about you guys, it's about the Unified Tag Team Champions, ShowMiz. He's the largest athlete in the world and I'm... AWESOME!"

Otunga is out. "My name is David Otunga, the a-list, Mr. NXT. While all of you know me as the most promising rookie, tonight I'm your guest host. And I told you, this show's going to be top notch; a-list all around, and that's exactly what it's going to be. Jack Swagger, tonight, you are going to face the man who pinned you, Randy Orton. ShowMiz, tonight, you will defend the Unified Tag Team Titles against Batista... and his tag team partner, John Cena."

Otunga's music hits, and Randy Orton goes to RKO John Cena, then reveals it as a fake and hits Swagger. According to King he was "thwarted" by Cena, but Cena didn't even move to block it. Commercial.

Match One: Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus

Lockup, Sheamus with hammers, goes for a bodyslam, Kingston rolls off with a pair of kicks, heads for the ropes and Sheamus reverses into a black hole backbreaker. Sheamus now stomping Kingston in the ropes, drags him up for a shoulder block for a one-count. Nails him for good measure and locks in an armbar. Kingston punches his way out and is taken out by a hammer. Kingston into the turnbuckle, Sheamus charges and a double block. Kingston gets a kick off the ropes, shots exchanged, Kofi with a dropkick, now in the corner gets the five shots, Sheamus counters with a boot. Then another somewhat more vicious boot. Now sets up for the Irish Curse, crosses himself first and connects for three.

Winner: Sheamus

Sheamus heads under the ring and comes up with a pipe. He stalks Kingston before bringing him to his feet and nailing him in a way which resembles slaughtering rabbits. The camera pans to the back where HHH is on his way to the ring. Commercial.

The slam of the week is HHH getting waffled by Sheamus last week.

Sheamus: "Last week the career of Shawn Michaels came to an end. It took him eight years to win the WWE Championship. It took me six months, and I was supposed to cap it off by being victorious at Wrestlemania. But it didn't happen. The greatest moment of my career was taken by HHH. So last week, I took something from him. I attacked him with a steel pipe and left him lying. HHH I know you're here. But rather than get his revenge, he came out to say goodbye to Shawn Michaels. He cried, you all cried for a man who left before he had to face me.

At Wrestlemania, Shawn Michaels and HHH had one great match apiece left in 'em, but HBK chose to hang it up. HHH is more stubborn. Are you going to leave in a blaze of glory, head held high, or are you going to have me carry you out in a wheelchair? You're a smart man, make your decision before I make it for you."

HHH out. He climbs on the apron, stares at Sheamus, then at the crowd, then at Sheamus, before backing off... to get his sledgehammer. He uses it to block the pipe, then nails Sheamus with it twice. Sheamus bails, but HHH chases him before putting the hammer through a TV monitor as Sheamus runs away.

"Isn't that like a silly Irishman? Bring a pipe to a sledgehammer fight."

Coming up next a Divas "Dress to Impress" battle royale for a title shot. Sounds... awful.

Match Two: Divas Battle Royale

Hey, my first battle royale! Kelly Kelly out first in a lovely blue evening gown, Alicia Fox in... I'm not sure what, Gail Kim, Rosa Mendes, former champ Jillian Hall, Katie Lea Burchill with epic new Blondie ripoff music, the Bella Twins in identical gear, and Eve Torres.

All the wonem square off, Rosa eliminated, one of the Bellas under the bottom rope, there goes the other. Kim and Burchill battling on the ropes, Kelly dropkicks both out. Kelly Kelly with a nice tilt-a-whirl, Jillian tosses her out in a fireman's carry. Fox and Jillian double-teaming Eve, culminates in a double suples and a whip to the corner. Jillian goes to launch Fox consentingly, Eve ducks and throws her out. Jillian goes to set up an electric chair, Fox assists, Torres nails her off, Jillian charges, Eve ducks, Jillian out.

Winner: Eve Torres

Well that was as worthless as I thought. Also, according to my girlfriend all the women except Kelly Kelly were dressed horribly. Kinda have to agree.

Did you know Dave Batista once went into a restaurant and ate all the food in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant? Now it's time for a video package on David Otunga. Okay, him standing next to Barack Obama is a bit intimidating.

Otunga and his posse are cavorting backstage with a bunch of green M&Ms, and there's Santino Marella, looking for the A-Team. Also Hornswoggle eating his M&Ms. The posse chases off the midget as Santino jokes to Otunga that he loves it when a plan comes together.

Match Three: Unified Tag Team Championships: ShowMiz (c) vs. John Cena and Batista

This match will actually feature two teams who have held the straps together. But you already knew that. ShowMiz out first, then Cena, then an unimpressed-looking Batista. Cena and Miz to start. Lockup, Cena takes control with a snapmare and a headlock. Miz to his feet, Cena goes for the STF, blocked. Cena goes for the FU, Show in. Cena with shots, Show levels him with a single headbutt. Then another.

Then a jab. Whip into the corner, Cena sells hard. Show with a chop. Miz tags himself in as Show sighs. Miz taking control then whipping Cena into the corner. Charges, it's blocked, Cena goes to make a tag, Batista leaves, Cena clotheslines Miz and chases Batista up the ramp. A brief fight ensues, but ultimately the match is a countout.

Winners by countout: ShowMiz

Otunga comes out and announces later there will be another tag title match, with the challengers being Cena and Otunga himself, who looks Batista-style unimpressed.

After a commercial, they replay what just happened.

It's Ted Dibiase... with the Million Dollar Belt!

"Last week at Wrestlemania, my dad was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. I guess that prestigious honour had some kind of profound effect because last week he's done something he's never done before, tried to act like a father. Well, newsflash: One act of random kindness doesn't make up for years of neglect, the baseball games, my graduation, but you know more than anyone how to win me over. It's not through my heart, it's through my bank account. Thanks for the trust fund, and thanks for your Million Dollar Title. It truly is good being the fortunate son."

Match Four: Ted Dibiase Jr. vs. Christian

Christian with slaps, now a back body drop. Christian stands on Dibiase in the ropes, then tosses him out. Now a baseball slide, then a springboard crossbody. Tosses him back into the ring. Dibiase comes out of nowhere with a neckbreaker, then shots. Drags Christian to his feet, then a spinning elbow for two. Headlock locked in now, Christian with chops, goes off the ropes, Dibiase follows with a clothesline for two. Christian gets a shot in, Dibiase takes him out.

Christian into the turnbuckle, gets a swinging kick in, Dibiase hits the ropes 619-style, Christian dives outside and slaps him. Diving crossbody for two. Killswitch blocked into the Dream Streat, blocked, Killswitch, blocked, snapmare, kick, two count. Christian with a Tornado DDT attempt, blocked, Dream Street, three-count.

Winner: Ted Dibiase

Great match, but if Christian is jobbified I'm kicking some ass.

April 26th is draft time. Replay airs of Shawn Michaels' farewell speech, followed by a replay of the conflict between Sheamus and HHH, then finally Randy Orton RKO-ing Jack Swagger. Now on to another commercial.

Match Five: Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton (non-title)

Swagger is out looking like death just showed up at his door and cockslapped him, followed by Orton. Swagger takes early control, slamming Orton in the turnbuckle then stalking him to the other, then tossing him into another and clotheslining him. Back into the second, Orton clears out of the way and kicks him in the face. Orton now stomping Swagger's appendages and dropping a knee for two. Punching Swagger in the corner, Swagger counters with a spinebuster and clotheslines Orton over the top. Commercial.

Back on Orton uppercuts Swagger to the outside. Orton then tosses him into the ring, where Swagger drops Orton across the ropes, then charges him into the barricade. Swagger then tosses him into the steps and throws him back into the ring. He pops off a back body drop for two, then a quick vertical suplex for two. He sets up for a pumphandle slam, but Orton blocks, forcing a compromise abdominal stretch. Orton slides out of it, Swagger goes for another and Orton tosses him out. As Swagger attempts to climb back in, he eats a boot to the face, then Orton hits the rope DDT and goes for a cover, which Swagger blocks with a foot in the ropes.

Both men back up, Orton hits dual clotheslines, then the snap scoopslam and an Orton backbreaker, before posturing for the RKO, which is blocked into a big boot for a narrow two-count. Swagger hits his trademark splash for another two-count. Swagger hits it again and postures, before going for the powerbomb, but Orton slides off and hits an RKO for three.

Winner: Randy Orton

So does this make Orton close on the heels of Swagger or Cena? Either way, never has a world champion lost so nonchalantly since Rey Mysterio. Or AJ Styles. Next it's Otunga/Cena vs. ShowMiz.

Next week, Raw will emanate from London and feature host David Hasselhoff. YES.

Main Event: WWE Unified Tag Team Titles: ShowMiz (c) vs. John Cena and David Otunga

There's just something wrong with WWE Extreme Rules being exclusively presented by KFC. ShowMiz out first, then Otunga, then Cena. Cena and Miz to start, Cena taking control, Otunga in, gets Miz in a headlock, Miz reverses with a whip, Otunga with a shoulder block. Then another and finally a third for a one-count. Cena in, destroys Miz and caps off with a bulldog for two. Miz gets a shoulder up in the corner, and Show off the distraction nails Cena with a punch.

Miz doesn't cover and instead locks in some shots, finally getting a two.count. Show in now who dominates with fists until Cena comes in with somequick body shots. Goes for a shoulder block and is pelted off. Show stands on him in the corner, as does Miz. Show chokes him with the knee, Miz nails him. Miz in and Show uses him as a battering ram. Miz hits a clothesline in the corner for two, then goes for a crossface, which Cena escapes from for a few seconds. The hold goes epically long before Cena hulks out of it and Miz takes him out with a knee before they both clothesline each other silly. Both men going for a tag before Otunga... drops off the corner. Show tags in off camera and hits the fist for three.

Winners and still Champions: ShowMiz

Batista comes out to pick the bones and hits a powerbomb without a word or hint of emotion. Now with a mic.

"Spotlight... please."

Otunga: "Listen up everybody. I'm still your guest host, and Batista has an announcement to make."

"I'm invoking my rematch clause for the WWE Championship at Extreme Rules, and you won't be making anybody tap out, because you can't win that way. The only way out is to be... the Last... Man... Standing." The show goes off the air with this announcement.

3 comments: on "Ian Clark's Raw Recap"

Robert said...

How can they not mention Chris??

Stevie J said...

Easy - because they fired him over six years ago and they never considered him one of their guys since he was brought in from WCW. Furthermore it's their standard "duck and cover" when a guy OD's or commits suicide to not mention shit - they only like to do it when it's "natural causes" - you'll notice they never acknowledged Umaga either. It's tacky and insulting that they don't though.

Anonymous said...

I always inspired by you, your opinion and way of thinking, again, appreciate for this nice post.

- Norman