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It's been a long time since I've recapped a TNA Impact, but I honestly don't think they can do anything tonight to sink lower than a 0.6 - and yet I want to be there if they do. We open with a promo from Abyss about Team Hogan at Lockdown, and then we see Jeff Jarrett getting a low blow from AJ Style after Eric Bischoff distracted him with a guitar.

The two tie together when Abyss says "What'cha gonna do, when the monster Abyss, Jeff Jarrett and Team Hogan run wild on YOU?!" Next Christy Hemme tries to explain their 8-way lockbox match for tonight.

The rules are so convoluted I'm not even trying to follow it - all I know is that there are 4 prizes in the match and one of the boxes contains the TNA Knockout title.

The Beautiful People come out with their tag titles and say that tonight they'll get everything they deserve, everything they're owed, and everything they expect. Lacey comes out in a towel and says she can't wait to show everybody her bra and panties on live television, because EVERYBODY will win. REALLY? I'm not saying I object to her showing skin, but how tramp can you get?

Cue the pyro and cue the music, and here comes Hulk Hogan, Jeff Jarrett and Abyss. The faux nWo music plays and Hogan does air guitar all the way to the ring, wearing his black skull cap and a black t-shirt with a stylized red and gold image of himself. Tenay begs us to call our friends or send them a text to let them know TNA is broadcasting live at 8 EST. Hogan gets a loud crowd pop. "You know something guys? I think we've got some horsepower behind Team Hogan brother! You know it's real cut and dry. The way it goes, the dirtiest player in the game, Ric Flair, has shown his true colors over and over brothers."

Hogan tosses to Abyss, and he promises nobody has dealt with the likes of this "six foot, 350 pound, bloodthirtsty, weapon of mass destruction ABYSS" and that when the cage lowers Team Flair "will know the TRUE definition of pain and suffering." Abyss is so confident he says "it makes no difference" who the other members of Team Flair are at Lockdown because they'll ALL get an ass-kicking.

This brings out Flair, Desmond Wolfe, Sting and Beer Money Inc to the strains of Nature Boy's music. Flair: "I, am about to speak so shut up! Hogan, you've got to be kidding me. That's your team? That's your team? Look at mine! Let's start right here. Desmond Wolfe, runs silent but runs deep. Then there's these badass cowboys called Beer Money. And then there is the wrestling icon Sting!

There's more, put that camera on me, there's more history between that icon and this icon than there is in the rest of the wrestling world. Sting, Sting, Sting! And Hogan, one more thing. Chelsea, come here. WOOOOOOOOO! Yeah, Team Flair. Abyss, let me tell ya, I got my Hall of Fame ring on brother, because I am the Hall of Fame. And in St. Louis, I'm gonna shove this down your throat!"

Hogan politely invites him to SHUT UP. "Don't you ever sell me short brother. We got a full team, we got a powerful team, and you'll find out who that team is when the time is right dude!" Flair: "This is not a political contest, it's a popularity contest, and everybody wants to be with the Nature Boy.

If you have a problem with that we'll come down there right now and show you what we're all about." Jarrett: "Hold on Sting, I got one question to ask you. Sting why don't you step into the ring without your bat, and answer one question, friend to friend - or is it foe?" Stinger tells his team he's got this, puts his bat down, and steps through the ropes.

"I've got just one question to ask you Steve - why now? Why now has the darkside come out of you?" Jarrett tries to hand Sting the mic. Sting stands there stoic and just looks at him. Jarrett: "I may not deserve an answer, but these people in the Impact Zone deserve an answer - so one more time Sting, why now?" Sting refuses to answer. Jarrett gives him a slap! Sting gives him a Scorpion drop in response. All of Team Flair hit the ring with Flair screaming GET 'EM.

Cue Jeff Hardy's music! Hardy and Rob Van Dam come down through the crowd to even the odds so Team Flair bails. Tenay tells us not to go anywhere because Rob Van Dam versus James Storm will be NEXT after this commercial break.

* Rob Van Dam v. James Storm

Tenay tries to tell us the bell rang "moments before" we came back from commercial - if true that's incredibly shitty directing from TNA and if false that's patently obvious since both guys are full on wrestling. Rob knocks Storm off the apron with a kick, does the thumbs to the head, then gets caught by Storm when he goes for a dive and is thrown head first into the barricade - prompting Storm to hit the thumbs himself. Rob tries to get back into the ring and eats a DDT for a 2 count.

Tenay begs us again to call people. No Tenay, I'm not calling a damn person, fuck off already. Storm grounds RVD and applies the chinlock. The crowd wills RVD back to his feet, he hits the ropes and gets a rollup when Storm tries to block him for two. Spinning head kick knocks Storm down and both men crawl to their feet.

Tenay reminds us that Angle and Anderson will have a ladder match later tonight. Rob knocks Storm down with a kick and hits the ropes for a clothesline followed by Rolling Thunder, getting a 2 count for his efforts. Storm hits an enzuguiri to knock Rob down then does a really awful looking Eye of the Storm for 2. Taz tries to sell it on commentary by saying Storm bounced his head off the canvas. Rob gets back in control with a front slam and quickly goes for the split legged moonsault before Storm can recover, getting the 3. WINNER: ROB VAN DAM.

Storm crashes a beer bottle in his face while he's celebrating with the double thumbs. Rob covers his eyes and officials come out to help him and keep Storm away. Storm manages to get mount on him anyway and three more officials have to pull him off. Taz starts to say "Van Dam is in bad shape" and gets cut off mid-sentence by a FUCKING PIZZA HUT COMMERCIAL. I swear it would be so much easier to take TNA seriously if their timing and camerawork weren't so God damned inept all the time.

We're back with Tenay and Taz recapping what happened to Van Dam before we went to commercial. Storm hits the thumbs on the entrance ramp chanting BEER, MO, NEY. Suddenly Jeff Hardy runs down to attack Storm and help his friend RVD. Robert Roode hits the ring to give Hardy a spinebuster while he's checking on Rob. Before we can even let all of this action sink in the cameras throw backstage to Tara and the other Knockouts on her team.

"TNA wants ratings and they're using me to get them. I am sick and tired of this! I'm going out there to pin somebody's ass." Angelina says life isn't fair, deal with it. Tara says you'll get this belt over my dead body or something to that effect. They both storm off. ODB makes a PMS joke says "her box" is going after the contract to wrestle anyone, and she wants "AJ Style's booty. OHHHH!" Hamada says something in Japanese. This wasn't funny.

* Rob Terry {C} v. Homicide (TNA Global Title Match)

'Cide starts punching and chopping Terry. Terry gives him a one handed toss across the ring by the throat. Terry runs over to follow up and gets hit with more chops. Again Terry throws him off with one hand, then picks him up and lefts him high in the air, walking around the ring with him for 10 seconds before the press slam. Tenay begs us again to let everybody know Impact is on. It sounds so cheap and desperate and makes their product seem even more low-rent than it already is. 'Cide blocks Terry with the boots up but eats a front power slam seconds later for the 3 count - so what was the point of having him get the boots up then? I have no idea. WINNER: ROB TERRY.

Terry's chest is beat red from the chops as he struts around the ring with the title. As is typical for every match in TNA, we have to have post-match antics, and 'Cide whacks his back with a chair. Terry no sells it. 'Cide throws the chair at him full force and it CRACKS Terry in the skull loudly. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST that's stupid. If Terry doesn't have a concussion from that it's a God damned miracle. Terry no sells it and gives Homicide a big slam that bounces Homicide's head off the canvas - oh great TWO CONCUSSIONS in one segment. As if this shit wasn't already stupid enough... Orlando Jordan comes out and starts rubbing milky white cream all over his chest.

At this point I would call my friends and tell them if they ARE watching TNA to turn it off, change the fucking channel, or just ignore wrestling until Raw comes on at 8. It's not even going to push homophobic buttons - just remote control ones because it's so ludicrous to try to get heat with a bisexual pretending to have cum all over his chest on live television. I've never been so happy TNA went to commercial break in my life.

* 8 Knockout Lockbox Showdown Match

I really need a beer if I'm going to get through the next 80 minutes of this shit. While the faces and heels come out I'm getting a Bud Lime, and if you're of age and watching this shit too I encourage you to crack a brew. Taz cracks a joke that Hamada summed up this match the best.

He might actually be right - a promo in a language I don't speak and only partially understand is just like this Knockout Lockbox Match - hard to interpret and difficult to follow. Tara gets the first pinfall and the first key and quickly leaves the ring. Daffney starts stomping on Angelina and we go to a commercial break.

Tenay informs us that during the commercial break we had another elimination. Hamada missed a moonsault, Daffney hit a move, and got another key. We only have four competitors left now and ODB is brawling with Velvet Sky, throwing her around the ring at will. Velvet tries a crossbody and eats a fallaway slam for her efforts. ODB does a kip up and Taz calls it a snatch up. Low rent. Low, rent.

This is giving me a new appreciation for WWE being PG. Velvet Sky gives ODB a DDT and gets key number three. Angelina gives Lacey a clothesline to knock her down as Tenay announces the Angle vs. Anderson ladder match will air next! A moonsault attempt misfires and Angelina Love hits the lights out on Lacey for the three count. Angelina Love gets the final key in the Lockbox Clusterfuck. WINNERS: Tara, Daffney, Velvet Sky & Angelina Love. Promo for Angle v. Anderson follows.

* Mr. Anderson v. Kurt Angle (Ladder Match to Retrieve the Lockdown Key)

Anderson comes out first in his "pro wrestling is real, people are fake" t-shirt. Angle rises up through the stage on the elevator and has the military medal in a prominent chain around his neck, giving it a kiss before hanging it around the ringpost. Anderson bails out to the floor and we go to a commercial break.

During the commercial break we get a brief snippet of Anderson beating down Angle in the center of the ring. After it we come back for the "opening bell" even though both men are already brawling, and they give us a shot of the "ring key" high above the four-sided ring. Funny thing is the "ring key" for Lockdown looks like what you'd use to open the outdoor bathroom at a 7-Eleven. I shouldn't really be surprised by that. Anderson grabs a ladder, suplexes Angle into it, then instead of climbing up to get the key he props up the ladder in the corner.

He pays for this mistake when Angle counters him into an overhead belly to belly suplex right into said ladder. Angle sets the ladder up in the middle of the ring and goes to work with Anderson some more, and pays for that mistake when he ducks it on a whip by Anderson but eats it in the face on the rebound when Ken shoves it at him.

Anderson starts to climb the ladder and he's got one hand on the key, but Angle catches him and pulls him off for a HUGE Angle Slam. I think this match would be much more impressive if I hadn't seen a MITB at WrestleMania 26 less than two weeks ago. Angle climbs up, Anderson tips the ladder over, and Angle takes a SICK BUMP over the ropes to the floor, catching his leg in the ropes and falling down in a tangled heap.

The crowd gives a legit HOLY SHIT chant and the censors desperately try to bleep it out, largely failing. Anderson climbs up to get the key and Angle recovers enough to climb the ropes in the corner and hit a missile dropkick to the ladder to knock Anderson off.

You know, they're killing each other for a fucking key to unlock a fucking cage at a PPV. If they were killing each other for a world title or Kurt's gold medal I could see it, but this is a fucking 7-Eleven bathroom key. Angle sets Anderson on a ladder and does a moonsault onto it, doing much more damage to himself than to Kenny. Taz calls Angle "one of a kind" twice - I know you've got RVD on the brain but c'mon man. Anderson gets posted in the corner while Kurt Angle climbs to the top.

That corner happens to be the same one Angle hung the army medal on. Anderson chokes him out with the medal from behind before Angle can climb to the top. Kurt starts pulling him up anyway, pulling Anderson's weight with his neck, grabbing the key... before he finally fades and is choked out. Anderson immediately climbs up and takes the 7-Eleven key when Angle goes out. WINNER: KEN ANDERSON.

Other than Angle taking at least one unnecessary and dangerous bump in a match for a stupid key, I guess this was okay. Anderson says he has a bottle of bubbly backstage, but not to celebrate his victory tonight, but the victory he just secured at Lockdown. The party will be a party of one because the only person he's celebrating with is MISTERRRRR ANDERSONNN... ANDERSONNN!

Do yourself a favor and change the channel right now because Bubba the Love Sponge shows up during a backstage conversation with Jeremy Borash and Hulk Hogan. I'm not even going to recap this - I'm gonna go check on Raw. Hmm, Swagger's cutting a promo in a suit and tie. Apparently Cena's in the ring with him and Orton's music just hit. Okay back to TNA. Oh wait, TNA is on commercial now - good - I missed the whole thing with Bubba. Back to Raw for a few minutes.

David Otunga started talking and before he could get to GOOGLE ME I'M FAMOUS I went back to TNA, where they're doing a ShopTNA promo, showing off the four lockboxes, and going to Matt Morgan who says "we" won the tag team titles and "we" almost lost those tag team titles because of Hernandez. Hemme asks who he'll name as a tag partner. "You're not getting it. WE won these titles, WE hold these titles, and WE will continue to defend these tag team titles." Hemme: "Help me out - you're the only one standing in front of me." Morgan: "Yes we are!" Okay this is a dumb gimmick. It's the opposite of The Rock squared - it's more like the square root of.

* Motor City Machine Guns vs. Team 3D (#1 Contender's Match)

Whichever team wins this match will face Matt Morgan for the TNA tag team titles. We start out with Chris Sabin and Brother Ray Dudley wrestling, with Sabin getting the better of it using forearms to the face and kicks to the chest... until Bubba hits a big boot to the throat. Sabin gets the advantage back quick though and gets a springboard crossbody for 2. Alex Shelley tags in and eats a big chop from Bubba before Devon tags in. Crowd chants WE WANT TABLES. Really, in 2010?

It's time for that gimmick to be retired. The Sabin and Shelley fans start chanting MO-TOR CI-TY in response. Shelley hits a dual dropkick and gives Bubba an enzuguiri. Sabin and Shelley make a kick sandwich out of Devon then hit a double team crossbody/neckbreaker on him for 2.9. Shelley's the legal man but both men get pearl harbored by Bubba Ray. Devon gives Shelley the flying headbutt to the "yambags" as Taz would say.

Devon goes out to get a table. Before he can throw it in the ring THE BAND INTERFERES and posts Devon on the outside, causing the ref to call for the bell. Syxx-Pac lays out Bubba, Hall pulls Sabin up and gives him a really weak Razor's Edge. Nash tucks Shelley between his legs but changes his mind and hits a clothesline instead, proving once again Nash is the smartest of the three. Syxx gets the spray can and they get ready to "leave their mark" on both teams but we cut to a commercial break in the middle of the segment. LOW, RENT.

After commercial Nash prepares to cut a promo, Bubba makes his way down to the ring, and per my policy of not recapping anything to do with Bubba the Human Garbage I'm switching over to Raw again for a couple of minutes. Sheamus is in the ring with a lead pipe bragging about how he's better than HBK.

Annnnnd we're back. Black Pope is telling Desmond Wolfe that if he wants to face AJ Styles at Lockdown, beat him tonight and he can have it. Pope promises him a whole new world of suffering and says "I'll pray for you before the match." Meanwhile Tara frets over what her box key will unlock. Too many fucking keys on this show. We go to commercial break with a promo for Ultimate Fighter, a program with better matches and much more believable drama than this one.

* Doug Williams Promo Segment

The British Invasion music plays and Williams comes down to the ring with the belt around his waist. A fan holds up a sign that says "X Division = Ratings." Williams: "A moment of your time if you please. Whilst I stand in this ring as your champion, I wish to make the point that the days of the jumped up acrobats and trapeze artists stinking up this ring are over. FINISHED. Those clowns need to go back to the circus where they belong with all the other performing monkeys. There's an alternative of course - they could buck up, go back to wrestling school, and learn the artform of technical wrestling - of which I no doubt am the master.

Don't deny it, you'd better believe it. And since I am the master, I'd like you to address me by my full name from now on - Douglas Williams, the Finest Thing in Live. Please bring out the young lads and we can all appreciate the finger things as I beat them one by one."

* Doug Williams vs. Generation Me

This impromptu match starts with Jeremy Buck going for a crossbody for a pin but only getting a one count. Williams rakes the eyes and Hebner gives him a warning for it. Buck gets a boot up into Williams face and then gives him a springboard bulldog for 2. Max looks on from the entrance ramp. Jeremy is rolled through into a chaos theory suplex for 3. WINNER: Doug Williams.

Max Buck hits the ring and gets a dropkick for 2 followed by some hard copes. Someone holds up a "WHAT'S UP JAKE LAW" sign. Okay, if that's a Young Bucks or Generation Me joke, I don't get it. Leg drop for 2. Williams does a front guillotine choke and Max has to tap out. WINNER: Doug Williams.

Doug won't break the choke even though Earl Hebner repeatedly calls for the bell, so the Prince of Punk Shannon Moore comes out to make the save. "Chapter 13 in the book of DILLIGAF says there's no room in the X Division for boring wrestlers like you Williams. Look between your legs and if you've got a set then give the Prince of Punk a title shot at Lockdown. If you do, welcome to glam rock!" Angelina Love is fondling one of her keys backstage as we go to a commercial break. Velvet Sky celebrates with her key during a cutaway in said break.

Christy Hemme interviews Team 3D backstage. Bubba: "What the hell was that? No reason for that - none! An attack by a bunch of disrespectful unethical pricks! Wolfpac, you want a piece of Team 3D? In 15 years our paths have never crossed but next week we will. Next week, live on Impact, Wolfpac vs. Team 3D!" Devon says they've been a cancer in every single company they've been in, but Devon promises that the boys from a little town called New York City will kick their asses all over the Impact Zone next week - OH MY BROTHER TESTIFY.

* 'Da Black Pope' D'Angelo Dinero vs. Desmond Wolfe

Pope beats up Wolfe on the ramp before even getting in the ring. Wolfe hits him with a European uppercut on the apron as the crowd chants POPE IS PIMPIN. Wolfe stays on offense and puts Dinero on the top rope but Dinero escapes before the Tower of London and ducks the clothesline in the corner. Pope jacks Wolfe in the jaw hard and Wolfe's down on the canvas. Dinero signals for a running knee, pulling the pads down for the DDE, and he sends Wolfe rocketing into the air when he hits a new (and effective) variation of it. WINNER: D'ANGELO DINERO.

Short but satisfying and as Tenay says he's got his momentum back heading into Lockdown... at least until AJ Styles barrels into him so hard and fast on the ramp he goes face first into the camera. AJ lays him out with a Styles Clash in the center of the ring, stands over him badmouthing him in both ears, then has to bail out before ABYSSAMANIA runs wild. Wolfe tries to attack Abyss to no avail. AJ has to chop Abyss in the leg for the heels to get the advantage back.

Wolfe goes outside for a fire extinguisher and gives Abyss a shot to the head with it. As Tenay tries to explain the significance of all of this we go to commercial AGAIN IN MID SENTENCE. Seriously, fuck TNA.

Well we're running out of time for TNA Impact so if they're going to reveal what those lockbox keys open we'll have to do it in the next few minutes. Why they would do this at the end of Impact instead of something that might actually promote Lockdown mystifies me, but hey this is their backward-ass poorly manged promotion, not mine. At least Taz and Tenay promote the Team Hogan vs. Team Flair match for Lockdown first when we come back from commercial break.

* The Big Lockbox Reveal

Jeremy Borash is hosting this thing like it's a game show, with each girl standing next to a podium lit in neon green with a box sitting on top of it - you know like a really shitty version of Deal or No Deal. Velvet Sky unlocks her box first but before she can open it J.B. teases that the TNA Knockout Title could be inside. If she wins the title that way, for the umpteenth time tonight, fuck TNA. That's not what's inside - Velvet wins... THE OPEN CONTRACT. Tara is really screwed here - she either loses her title, loses her pet spider, or losses all of her clothes. WHY WOULD A CHAMPION AGREE TO THIS? She opens the box... POISON is inside.

She gets back her pet but loses her title. It's down to Daffney and Angelina Love - one wins the Knockouts Title the other has to go to the ring and strip. J.B. makes them open both boxes at the same time... 3.. 2.. 1... ANGELINA LOVE IS THE KNOCKOUT CHAMPION. Daffney tries to walk away and Jeremy Borash informs her she agreed to this, SHE SIGNED FOR THIS, and she has to do it or be fired. Okay that means if Daffney and all the other participants had to sign to be in this TARA WILLINGLY SIGNED FOR A 75% CHANCE TO LOSE HER TITLE. So much stupidity in TNA it's positively mind-boggling.

Daffney takes off her little green hat first, and her neck choker second, making sure to bite into it and growl at the camera. Daffney is making an ugly face as she pulls each strap a quarter of an inch down. You know I think Daffney is actually pretty hot but she's going out of her way to make this the ugliest striptease in history. Mercifully Lacey Von Erich saves us all by running down, hitting Daffney with The Beautiful People's ugly stick, and immediately stripping out of her clothes to the delight of the crowd. Tara and Angelina Love brawl their way down to the ring while Lacey continues to strip off all of her clothes.

Velvet Sky takes a mic and cuts a promo saying that the rule of The Beautiful People is no one member of the group upstages the other, so next week she's going to put TBP back on top by challenging Angelina Love to a LEATHER AND LACE TITLE MATCH, saying Love can bring the lace and she'll bring the leather. So she not only has an open contract, she gets to book her own stipulations along with it? Wow.

That's it for Impact. For the final time tonight, FUCK TNA.

4 comments: on "TNA iMPACT! Recap"

WillyFourEyes said...

Seriously? They cut to commercial in mid-sentence multiple times? That's...embarrassingly bad.

Stevie J said...

You would think they've never aired a live television show before - except this is about their 10th one. I'm just blown away at how low rent a supposedly major wrestling promotion can be.

PlanBFromOuterSpace said...

I haven't watched as much TNA, but are their "about to go to commercial" spots anything like the E's, like how you can at least tell it's about to go to ads? Y'know, one guy gets thrown to the outside while the other paces around in the ring or something. Or is it just as bad as the recaps make it sound?

Anonymous said...

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