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TNA = That Naitch is Angry!

We start off with an orange Hummer coming to a slow stop. Out walk Abyss, Hulkster, RVD and Jeff Hardy, all looking like they're on the same page...different books, but it's the page that matters. I think the carpool was just a ploy to make sure Jeff showed up to work, but I digress.

After the opening video, we have AJ and Flair coming down the ramp to start off with some promo stylings. I did not intend the pun there, because if AJ has anyone to thank for his new promo delivery, it's the man beside him in the ring.

I understand the attempt here, in that AJ is assuming the "Ric Flair from 25 years ago" steez -- he's slow and deliberate, yelling his points, jawing at fans, wearing a suit and putting himself over with every breath. But, then Ric takes the stick, does it like it's supposed to be done and THEN he adds this Terry Funk, middle-aged and crazy gimmick over top of it all. Dude takes his jacket off in 5 seconds and opens one of his head wounds by punching himself in the face.

That's why Ric is The Man; because he'll work twice as hard as the person with (or against) him in order to get that person over

Enter Peroxwhy?gen in the speakers it's Jeff Hardy in face paint out to shout out his own name and refer to his fans as "Creatures of the Night". A match is made between the two and I popped for Flair telling Hardy to go do a "painting and get high...*sniff* on that paint". Yeah, just give Ric some bullet points and have him go out there to open the show.

Why did anyone think it was a good idea to bring The Nasty Boys back to TV? Aside from Taz getting to put over an armpit cheese reference (by the way...ewww), I can't think of anything. The helmet spot leading to Jimmy Hart getting to the pin, was so badly set up, the camera caught Brother Ray looking back to see where Knobs was and then we saw Ray back up to meet the spot in the middle. The only bright spot was the work of Jimmy Hart who seems to not have aged since I was a baby and can take a bump better than either of the fat fucks he's managing.

Scott Hall wrote "Wolfpac" on a grey TNA sweatshirt this week. Although it's easy to shit on such a bush league marketing tactic, I'm gonna "O" for it, because it's shoot enough to get over. The man is poor, unstable and probably drinks NyQuil when he's hard up; and that's exactly what I got from his gimmick this week. Nash offered him 25 Grand tonight if he could last 5 minutes in the ring. Hall accepted and reminded him (like last week) that he'd be "the one who looks like Elvis"...yeah, if you dug him up now, that'd be pretty close.

Anderson and Wolfe take on Angle and Pope in order to remind us that they have singles matches coming up at this weekend's Destination X PPV. Guys like Pope and Wolfe are exactly the kind of workers that should be featured more prominently on Impact. They provide innovative offense and they do just enough to make the product a legitimate alternative to The Fed under this new regime.

Anderson, on the other hand, is doing the same shit he did when he was in WWE; in fact he's doing the same things in the span of a few weeks. He bloodied Kurt Angle again using the "warrior medal" and his mic again and the crowd just sounded dead the whole time. The harder they work to put over the emotion of the feud between these two, the harder it seems to believe it in the least. Anderson is this generation's "X-Pac Heatseeker" and if a feud with one of the greatest workers ever won't work, then cut him loose before he hurts somebody...again.

Sticking to the same formula, we have a hybrid-feud spot with Angelina Love and the Beautiful People, where Daffney gets an "Honorary" membership and does the Pearl Harbor job on Angelina. Tara runs in to make the save and we get the staredown to remind us of the upcoming PPV match. Regardless of Daffney being a friend to Tha Nation of O, I think she needs to win this Sunday to shake things up in the Knockouts title picture. Nothing shakes things up faster than a crazy bitch with a hammer...not that I'd know, praise the lord.

Hogan calls out Sting, who's in the rafters, and then we get the slowest set up to a beatdown in recent memory as Rob Van Dam tastes the purple sticky bud of revenge. Hey, Rob, how's that knee holding out for you? Your back hurtin'? Maybe your gut? You were worked over pretty hard last week and you seem to be crescent kicking your way to recovery pretty well.

Yeah, that's a bitchy way to put it, and now we have each man making the other look like a chump in consecutive weeks. I know, I know, some of you will contest that it means nothing to their character, but I respectfully disagree. Beatdowns mean fuck all if they don't add to the story. RVD was nothing more than Hogan's henchman this week and it was merely a setup for Bischoff to come out and stop all the fun with a faux-face promo about "leading this company and staying out of the ring".

And then Easy E follows it up with a heel schtick backstage with Jeff Jarrett again, this time letting Hernandez take on the once-again-heels Beer Money. Let's not forget the haircut segment with Mick Foley, which was another questionable use of airtime. I don't know if this ubiquitous Bischoff presence in multiple roles is by a grand design, or if he's just that in love with himself.

With Hogan having one agenda, and Eric having another, I think they could do something new with that, and Lockdown is probably going to be where it's going to go down. Foley's in that picture too, and him ripping off the suit jacket to show a referee's shirt (in my opinion) foreshadows something. That's just one man's prediction.

In case you're too lazy to Google it, Shannon Moore's use of "dilligaf" is an acronym for does it look like I give a fuck, and for the record, no Shannon; you look like you are hoarding all of your fucks for a rainy day. "Welcome to glamrock" indeed.

The entire X Division got 5 minutes to put over a whole Pay Per View named after them and they did it with a series of run ins and a couple of high spots. I'm a big fan of that shit when it's given the proper amount of time; I don't even care that the spots are so high that it obscures heel and face roles. It emphasizes a higher level of competition and that's the foundation on which you should be building the product.

Abyss is doing great work on the mic as "The Monster of the Ring" and I like the big push he's getting. I remember hearing and reading about the old days when backstage he was always nervous about his spot, and with this HOF Ring push, there is none of that present.

Starting back at one, the Main Event of the evening was a showcase of AJ working like Flair used to, Hardy building a hope spot like Hogan used to, and oddly enough, pulling the ref into the cross-body spot like Randy Savage used to. Flair, not to be outdone, delivered post-match chairshots to Abyss until his arms were tired and then took a chokslam through the entrance ramp...again, working much more like Funk than himself.

A lot of the tributes that I'm citing this week are my own opinion, and a lot of them are obvious. TNA is shooting for something it wants to be, something it is and something it's not all at once and it's still a bit of a mess as a result. Some of the story elements are getting better, but they're hazed over too quickly in lieu of other story elements that seem to be treading water.

All of this attention centered around Hogan better have a good payoff, because it's taking away from the product more often than it is contributing to it in a positive light. If I had my druthers, I'd put Flair in charge of the ship, just to see what that crazy fucker would ram it into first.

4 comments: on "TNA = That Naitch is Angry!"

Anonymous said...

Your titles are pretty gay pal. How about TNA - Totally Negative Article
Why are u covering a show you obviously don't like. U should be watching RAW. Mark

Not Your Pal, Gordo said...

"pal"? Uh huh...

Sorry that his articles are better written than yours, "Mark".

Anonymous said...

Here's what makes me laugh. Samoa Joe gets bundled into a van a few weeks back, and there has been little to no mention of it since!

Storylines seem to just go to the shitter in this company!

David Strickland said...

What PAL dont go assuming shit BUDDY ya nah blodclot know mi so
dont be startin shit with me and throwing disrespect tings.

Cause a man said pal your gonna call me out. Mind ya talk bredjrin.

When i leave a comment I sign in ya arse.