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Ian Clark's Raw Recap

Match One: John Cena vs. Big Show

Show going for punches, Cena ducks, gets some shots of his own, but falls victim to a stomach shot. Big Show hits the alley-oop for the first time in a while as they go to commercial. Bakc on, Show has Cena in a headlock.

Cena slides out and goes for the STF, but Show kicks him off. And out of the ring. Cena makes his way up slowly before Show drags him into the ring and Cena drops Show across the ropes. Cena back in gets in some shots and goes for a body slam, but Show lands on him for two.

Show throws him into a turnbuckle where he crumples. Show sets up for a splash for a really long time, and Cena rolls out of the way. Show goes to charge, but Cena gets a boot up so Show... tries again.

Cena nails him and hits his top rope legdrop before setting up for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Batista's music hits and he walks out to watch. Cena hits the move anyway, but Show gets a chokeslam off the distraction for... two! Show goes for the knockout punch, Cena ducks, sets up for the FU. Batista gets on the apron, allowing Show to roll off and hit the punch for three.

Winner: Big Show

Batista slides in the ring and stares Cena down, before leaving smiling like a shark.

Stone Cold's new movie looks not bad.

Match Two: Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus

Again? This match has happened at least twice already this year, and I'm 90% sure I'm missing at least one. Now the cutout of a bearded Ronald McDonald in the front row makes sense. Sheamus grabs the mic and starts to say something, then clotheslines Bourne and hits the boot before the bell actually rings. He finishes up with what I think Michael Cole called the launching board.

He then grabs his mic again. "As I was saying, as a young fella growing up in Ireland, I was always fascinated by WWE, but there was one man who stood out among the others, who was so selfish, so vicious. A man who would sell his own mother down the river, who would turn his back on his best friend. That man would even use a sledgehammer to get to the top and stay there. His name was Triple H.

And how successful that was for him. He beat greats like Stone Cold, Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker. And it's brought him countless world titles. But let's look at me. In one year, I've ended careers and become WWE Champion. At Wrestlemania, I was supposed to defend my WWE Championship, but Hunter, you ruined that. But I thank you for it. When I came to Raw, you were the man I wanted to face at Wrestlemania.

You were the one to catapult me to superstardom, and in two weeks I'm going to get my chance. Last week you said Wrestlemania could be a turning point in my career, but I say it's going to be a turning point in yours, because I'm going to defeat you so badly, so viciously and so decisively that you'll never be the same again. This warrior bows to no king, but the Celtic Warrior will take your throne!"

Match is a no contest

Stone Cold watches from the back as Shawn Michaels walks in. He asks if Stone Cold thinks he can beat the Undertaker. Stone Cold says yes he can, but he doesn't think he will. Chris Jericho interrupts and says he's going to embarrass him before the Undertaker retires him, but Michaels makes it clear he's not out to win, he's out to destroy him. Jericho and Stone Cold exchange pleasantries before Jericho asks out of the match. Stone Cold tells him to get out and go compete. However, the next match will be:

Match Three: Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse (non-title)

Maryse pulls a posing Kelly off the turnbuckle, Kelly respinds by beating the hell out of her, followed by a flip and dropkick, then more beating the hell out of her, culminating in a playmaker-style move for two. Maryse drops her into the second turnbuckle face first, then hits the DDT for three.

Winner: Maryse

Maryse follows up by knocking Kelly out of the ring and then throwing her into the barricade. She rolls her back into the ring before Gail Kim and Eve Torres run in and attack Maryse, culminating in a neckbreaker. Team LeCool run out inexplicably and toss Eve out of the ring, then Kin into the turnbuckle and running a knee. Eve comes back in and takes out Layla, before Layla grabs her legs and Michelle kicks her in the face.

The three heels leave, Maryse last, before Vickie Guerrero reveals herself to be behind the backup. She now has a jacket that says "Excuse Me". Up next is Jericho vs. Michaels. First, apparently, is the same Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels package from last week.

Match Four: Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

Michales starts out outright destroying Jericho all over the ring, landing a neckbreaker and dropping a knee. Jericho into a corner, throws Michaels into the steel. Jericho now with shots and a whip, turned into a kick and Michaels with a Thesz press. Michaels now with more shots, before Jericho body drops him out.

Both back in, Jericho kicks Michaels and guillotine drops him on the bottom rope before dropping a fist and locking in a headlock. Michaels with a shot, then Jericho tosses Michaels into the corner where he collapses. Jericho kicks him into the center of the ring and gets another shot, talking trash the whole time. Jericho drags Michaels up slowly before setting in a surfboard headlock. Michaels to his feet, punches his way out and chops Jericho in the corner.

Whip, reversed, Michaels hits the diving clothesline, kip-up, atomic drop, another reversed into the walls, reversed into a roll-up for two. Jericho goes for the lionsault, Michaels gets the knees up. Jericho goes to climb the turnbuckle, and gets the elbow drop before tuning up the band. As soon as Michaels moves to kick him, Jericho exits stage right and doesn't return for a count of ten.

Winner by countout: Shawn Michaels

Edge darts out and beats the hell out of Jericho, for want of more technical wording to put it in, chasing him all the way into the ring, where he hits another spear. He grabs a mic and gets in Jericho's face, saying only one word, "Spear!"

Back from commercial they replay Legacy vs. Orton last week, and they announce a triple threat match between all three for Wrestlemania, which doesn't make any sense whatsoever because Dibiase and Rhodes have no animosity between the two of them at all. Orton cuts a short interview saying Rhodes and Dibiase can't survive on their own without him in a match where they can't team up. HHH vs. Orton is next, but commercial is now.

Slam of the week is the promo between Sheamus and HHH. Cole and King recap the night's events so far, complete with video.

Match Five: HHH vs. Randy Orton

I don't think I've written "Match Five" since I started this. Lockup, Orton gets a knee up, then a shot, then more fists in the corner and a kick. HHH responds with one of his own, then shots in the corner himself. Whip reversed, HHH hits a clothesline, then a suplex. Reminds Orton to suck it, then a knee for two. Orton with mixed shots, whip, dropkick missed. HHH drags Orton up, Orton whips him out of the ring. HHH comes back in, Orton goes for the rope DDT, Aitch bodydrops him out. Goes for a whip into the steps, Orton reverses. Orton hits the rope DDT on the floor using the steps as ropes, commercial.

Back in, HHH is in a headlock, tries to break free, takes an Orton Backbreaker instead. Orton goes for the RKO, HHH hits a clothesline. Back on their feet, the two trade shots to mixed crowd reaction so that the boos and cheers just sound like "Baou!" HHH wins, whips into two H knees, goes for a third, Orton responds with a scoopslam. Orton bashing HHH into the turnbuckle, gets some shots in, HHH hits a Double-A Spinebuster for two.

Both to their feet, HHH goes for the Pedigree, Orton gets the drop. Double clothesline. Orton drops HHH out of the ring, HHH gets a Pedigree and Legacy slides in to beat the shit out of Orton, incapacitating HHH as necessary. The two take turns teeing off on Orton until HHH makes the save before Sheamus decapitates him with the Bicycle Kick. Dibiase and Rhodes drag Orton outside and hit Crossrhodes while Sheamus poses on top of HHH's fallen form.

It's time to announce the latest Hall of Fame inductee! To be realistic, this is probably the biggest induction they've ever done, Gorgeous George!

Match Six: Batista vs. Kofi Kingston

Batista toys with Kingston before spearing him into the turnbuckle then throwing him into the other and stomping him. He drags him up and stomps him some more in the corner. Then more. He picks Kingston up but Kingston escpaes and gets a few kicks in, then some palm shots, then a couple dropkicks. He goesfor the boom drop but Batista rolls out, causing Kingston to get pissed off and dive out only to be tossed into the barricade. Back in, Kingston gets a kick in, climbs up and takes a clothesline. Then another, then the Batista Bomb.

Winner: Batista

Batista's got a small cut over his eye, which of course the referee attempts to clean up. to his credit, Batista tells him to fuck off. Walking back up the ramp, he threatens a fan. Contract signing next.

Wrestlemania recall is Pete Rose getting Tombstoned. The first time. Pete Rose will be the guest host for the go home show.

Hart is out first for the contract signing. Vinnie Mac is out next playing the consummate heel, and last is Stone Cold.

Austin with a mic: "Sit. Before we get down to business since I have both of you in the ring, I want to take care of a piece of business before this one. Last year Stone Cold went into the Hall of Fame and it was the greatest experience of my life.

This year, Stu Hart was supposed to go into the Hall of Fame, sit your ass down, yet for some reason you figured because you're Vince McMahon you've got the say-so to say he doesn't get to go into the Hall of Fame. If anyone ever deserved to go into the Hall of Fame it's Stu Hart, so tonight I'm here to announce that Stu Hart is going into the Hall of Fame. You got a problem with that?"

"Actually I don't. If Stu Hart is going into the Hall of Fame that means every member of the Hart Family is going to be there, and every Hart family member to ever step foot inside a WWE ring is a dysfunctional derelict. But Bret you're different. You're a dysfunctional handicapped derelict. Let's get down to business. You can not sign this and prove you're a coward, or you can sign this and take your beating like a man. But if you do sign it it's iron-clad and if you don't show up, I will sue you for everything you have."

"It doesn't matter if both my legs are broken, I will beat you. But there's just one problem. I don't want this to be a wrestling match, you don't. This is going to be a full-on massacre so I want this to be a No Holds Barred match."

"In the immortal words of Stone Cold, hell yeah. I said it in Montreal, Bret Screwed Bret, and the last couple weeks, I screwed Bret, but now again with this stipulation, Bret screwed Bret, now sign it."

Both men sign the contract. There is a long staredown before Stone Cold checks the contract and announces that the match will be official. Stone Cold says he's ready to see Vince McMahon get the worst ass-whipping of his life. He leaves the ring, then pauses with the mic. "There is... one thing I forgot to tell you. Oh hell, I'll let Bret tell you himself."

Vince turns to face Bret, who's sitting down with the cast off. "I don't need this. All I wanted was to look like I was hurt. Thank goodness John Cena knows someone in the stunt business. All you need to know is I'm 100%. And if you try to back out, I'll sue you for everything you're worth. You say Bret screwed Bret, but I say Vince screwed Vince."

Bret nails him with the cast, then again. He walks off looking triumphant as Raw fades to black.

1 comments: on "Ian Clark's Raw Recap"

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