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Tha Raw Report: Batista?

I watched "Raw" this week the same way I watched "Raw" every week. Ready to be disappointed. Then halfway through the first segment, I said, no. I'm going to enjoy this. I'm going to enjoy Edge, who by the way is Canadian and damn good at what he does.

Edge walks that fine line of "bust," which is what we call oft injured or underperforming high profile NFL draft picks. For as good as Edge is, he's injured too often. That though is neither here nor there for Edge is awesome. He also happens to be Canadian. I promise Donnie, I looked it up.

For as good as Edge is and his segment actually was, though I'm sure some people hated it, I don't care I liked it. Screw you, I'm trying to enjoy this again, ok. I digress, for as good as the aforementioned was Batista is worse, and so are all his segments. When you're that horrible and useless and hated what does the E do? Throw your overinflated retarded ass into the Bret Hart/Vince McMahon storyline. Makes perfect sense.

Batista is so bad all he should ever be allowed to do is watch wrestling, but if he continues to be employed all he should be able to do is hold back people. I'm not a fan of Bret Hart. I'm not a fan of this storyline taking place twelve years later, but I realize a lot of people are. So why include a guy who doesn't need the rub and was a roided up titty bar bouncer twelve years ago? Anybody? Didn't think so.

When one thinks Dave Batista they think botched powerbombs, shitty matches, being friends with the right people, steroids and of course turtlenecks (right Dan?) I dont think anyone thinks classic matches or great memories. The best part of Batista's career will be the months he wasn't on TV. If you have to pick from his onscreen time though, it's when he carried around the box for Reverend D-Von.

This "Raw" wasn't about Batista, but he ruined it just by showing up. I should be mentioning how awesome William Shatner is, despite the fact that people despise him. I should be mentioning that Randy Orton's new ten year contract should earn him about four or five months off of TV to freshen up his stuff.

Instead all I can think about is Vince and Bret being able to work an angle and take this, whatever this is, to another level and get some WrestleMania payoff out of it. Now though, all I can think is Batista will ruin this, hell Batista has ruined it. I swear to God if Bret wrestles at Mania and it's Batista he's wrestling I won't buy it, I'll go watch it free somewhere.

One more thing I'm going to mention and I'm moving on to the other stuff is the spitting. The spitting is old and overplayed. Now it's just, "oh yeah, so and so spit on so and so." It used to be, "Dude! so and so spit on so and so! Can you believe that, he's going to kick his ass!" Now it's just gross and pointless.

The Elimination Chamber is a helluva concept match. The first one was off the charts. When Michaels won the Heavyweight belt from H at Survivor Series in '02 at the Garden it was great. Booker, RVD, Jericho and Kane took that bitch to a whole different level. It was hard to top after that match.

Then though they bastardized it. Quick. The SummerSlam match with Goldberg and Nash should have never happened. When it became the New Years Revolution regular for two years they sullied it more. Then it became ECW's bitch for a night. Then a twice a PPV event at No Way Out, now named Elimination Chamber. This reeks of Russo. This should be the last time the EC is used for a good three years. Until some feud encompasses five or six guys and the belt is on the line.

Shame-on-us will of course head into the show as the champ. He will be defending against John Cena (no way he's in a Main at a PPV), Triple H (holy shit I'm glad this guy's getting a crack at headlining a PPV), Randy Orton (dude...I can't even joke anymore), Ted DiBiase (ok that's ok, but he'll be first out), and Kofi Kingston (ok, maybe he'll get some shine...with Orton). Dammit.

The Elimination Chamber match at Elimination Chamber will likely be FUBAR to the inth degree. I'm going to just throw this out there. If I had the book, my "Raw" Eliminatin Chamber would only have two of the same guys in it (not counting the Whiteout warrior). Ted and Kofi. Other than that, MVP deserved the nod. Evan Bourne, the dude would kill in that environment we all understand he wouldn't win, but he'd do some insane shit.

Cody Rhodes needs to be given the opportunity to shine as well. Otherwise he'll be on the future endeavors list soon. Last but not least. Santino Marella. Just kidding, though that'd be awesome. Michaels would be the last guy, only because he could do that "I've lost my mind," bit upon elimination.

In conclusion let me remind everyone that Edge is Canadian. Seriously, Edge. Is. Canadian. That is all.

8 comments: on "Tha Raw Report: Batista?"

Anonymous said...

Batista has a better chance of getting injured than Bret

Anonymous said...

Raw wasnt fantastic...wasnt garbage...but wasnt fantastic. I agree that the EC is a great concept and when it debued I was in awe(much like the original HIAC and ladder matches, etc etc etc) but it has lost a bit of its luster. The only qualifiing match that wasnt predictable was HBK/Orton. Although Show/Kofi had me guessing as well, you seemed to just know it was going to be Kofi. I think Im finally over the guest host thing. I was never really "big" on it, but it did its the WWE mainstream press, had a small level of interest, but you hardly see the guest host on the show anymore(Im not saying thats a bad thing at all, but if Vince is payin these guys to come in, make it worth it. I was definitly intersted in what was going to happen with Bret/Vince. In the words of Denny Green...we are who we thought they were. 2 guys who are over the hill jawing with eachother and throwing lame punches. If its all just to set up Batista/Cena at Maina(wich is the rumor) then whatthefuckever.....Now for a segment I like to call..that doesnt seem likely but after saying it it suddenly seems likely(its a working title). Im enjoying HBKs current angle. Shawn has always been, and will always be my fav wrestler/human being on the planet(as evident by my tattoo wich is the same on that HBK has just to prove my point) I dont enjoy seeing him lose but he just does it so well these days. So he didnt win the Rumble, nor did he qualify for the Raw Elimination chamber(wich as a side note, not sure how winning that would get him to Mania to face Taker) So with Taker as champ he'll be in Smackdowns EC match...Hmm seems like a good match for ol Shawn. Makes his way into the match, wins the title and forces Taker to use his rematch clause for Mania. Whats that? Shawns not a SD superstar you say?? Well 1-WWE always defies logic adn 2-He IS 1/2 of the unified tag champs wich technicly means he can wrestle on any show...not sayin, just sayin.


kathy said...

I've gotta say for the most part i quite enjoyed Raw for a change. The first segment Billy Shatner did with the spoken word almost made me pee my pants. It was great seeing Edge back, and the EC qualifiying matches were fun to watch, it was obvious who would win a few of them, but still the matches were alright.

I admit i don't know why Batista has been brought into the "feud" other than that maybe he's been sucking a lot of chairman cock, but i think the worst thing about that whole segment was having to listen to Vince ramble on and on and on....

Andrew Gray said...

O of the week goes to Shatner singing the WWE themes. That should be a YouTube hit.

Andrew Gray said...

And NO of the week goes to WWE letting Bret get physical with Vince this early in the storyline.

B4 said...

If it is going to be Cena that "represents" Bret against Vince/Batista...where the Hell was he when a cripple Hitman was getting beat on by Big Bad Dave? He respects Bret, but was too busy creating another crappy T-shirt design? Some might consider that minor,but to me its the essence of the E's problems over the past decade...not using logic and common sense in story lines. Heck,even having several guys run in to protect Bret if they didnt want to reveal him yet...not like the crowd didnt already see it from a mile away.Chanting "Cena"

D.J.B. said...

Dammit the song "Let's get physical" is in my head. Damn. It. All.

Andrew Gray said...

Sorry buddy haha