Killa Kev's Raw Report

Oh, okay, I just saw the preview on USA Network, it's Johnny Damon. Nope, still don't know who he is, but he's bringing some "Secret Santas" with him (aka Mickie James, Kelly Kelly and WWE Diva of the Year Maria Kanellis, we know how this goes). And tonight they're going to be pulling off the nearly month-long delayed "Little People's Court", with Hornswoggle taking D-Generation X to court over harassment of midgets.

Don't worry, I'm taking my horrible D-X Snuggee and throwing it over my TV show I don't have to see what will be a fucking trainwreck, nor will I be recapping that, I will be watching Monday Night Football, or taking a piss, or masturbating, or something else of more value.

Speaking of midget lovers, shout out to "the God" BIG D! This show is right in his backyard tonight, I'm sure he has a ticket and will be standing near ringside with the sign that says "I'd rather be floating back to Cuba than listen to Michael Cole shout VINTAGE~! one more time".

"We're goin' all out while we burn it down to the ground tonight!" Yes, yes please, burn it to the ground, we don't need no water let the muthafucker BURN BITCH BURN! Burn this show to the ground and just start all over. Well, this might be okay, John Cena, who promises to not lose another match until WrestleMania, is going to face the LAST person to make that promise, Jack Swagger. What happened to that promise, huh? Still, I'd like to see Cena put Swagger over in this match, I know it won't happen, but still.

So Johnny Damon comes out, and he immediately gets booed by everybody except the snowbirds that have already transitioned from New York to Florida, and WWE is already tempering the mics to reduce the amount of boos. Damon acknowledges the boos, then rubs his two World Series championhips in the face of the Tampa fans. Damn really does look a little lost out there, or at least "deer in the headlights" kind of look. Damon says that his "Secret Santas" will grant ONE WWE superstar a wish.

HEY! Here's a Tiger Woods joke! WWE isn't so far behind after all, as our show is interrupted by a guy in a tiger costume being chased by a blonde haired chick with a golf club. Damon says, "Wow, that isn't what I signed up for!" Yeah, none of us did, and a shout out to my Ring the Bell co-host DENNIN~! who makes it quite plain: "Raw fails already". Yep, but who cares... HERE COME THE SANTAS!

Six Diva "Santa's Little Helper" Tag Team Match: WWE Women's Champion Melina Perez, Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim vs. Maryse Oulet, Jillian Hall & Alicia Fox

We start out with Hall and Gail Kim, Hall whipping Kim around a little, charges her, but Kim ducks out of the way and spears her in the corner to follow, then a head butt??

Kim goes for a cross-body block off the top turnbuckle, cover and a two count. Do-si-do in a whip into the corner, Hall getting the upper-hand, she tries her stupid cartwheel reverse elbow into the corner, Gail leaps on her shoulders and tries for the Oklahoma Roll, Hall throws her off, covers for a two count. Maryse Oulet tags in and they double-team Kim, whipping her into the corner. Nasty backbreaker over the nee by Oulet leads to a pin attempt, but Kim headbutts her into the corner and makes a tag.

Kelly Kelly with a pair of clothesliens and a dropkick, followed by a headscissor takeover and a guillotine legdrop! FUCK who told her to get that much offense in on Oulet? Jillian Hall breaks it up, everybody's in the ring. Oulet picks up Kelly Kelly for a body slam, Gail Kim dropkicks Kelly's back and sends her momentum into a pinfall.

WINNERS: Kelly, Kim & Melina. Wanna hear a great Tiger Woods joke that ties in with this? What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at three hos. OOOH! We take a commercial, we come back right into "Little People's Court", and here is where my recap stops.

Seriously, if you WANT to find out what happened, just wait for WWE.com to post it later tonight. Sofar this is HORRIBLE! Or in the words of Frank Caliendo immtating Charles Barkley, "This is trbl! T-R-B-L!" And they're going to break it up over two segments? UUUUGH.

Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase, Jr. vs. Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry & Evan Bourne

Great! It's the World's Greatest Team of Egoes versus Team Jobber Force 2009! *sighs* All great wrestlers, this is going to be a useless match on both sides, though, there's no agenda here, nothing being pushed. We start with Randy Orton and Mark Henry, Orton circles the rings, slaps Cody Rhodes on the back and rlls out of the ring. Henry slings Rhodes into the ring and slams him into the corner.

DiBiase runs-in and gets thrown out. Rhodes tries to attack Henry from behind and eats the Silverback Gorilla's press slam. Kofi Kingston tags in and stomps a mudhole in Rhodes' midsection, tries for a splash, Rhodes moves out of the way and Kingston eats the turnbuckle HARD. Orton tags himself in and we take a commercial break.

Back from the break, Rhodes is working over Kingston until he catches a break, tags in Evan Bourne, Hurracanrana and dropkick on Rhodes, a dropkick on both Orton & DiBiase to send them off the apron. Bourne goes to the top turnbuckle hits the AIR BOURNE~! on Rhodes, covers, DiBiase breaks it up, Kofi Kingston sends him out of the ring, but Orton attacks Evan Bourne from behind to even it up, rolls him in, Rhodes covers and gets a two count.

Orton tags in, cuts off Bourne from a tag with a fist driven right between the eyes, and then stomps Bourne's guts out. Flips him over and catapults his neck right into the bottom rope, Orton with an arrogant cover, two count as Bourne kicks out. DiBiase tags in and nails an elbow drop to the back as Orton pins him down, follows up with a delayed vertical suplex, covers, two count.

DiBiase with a side headlock to slow the action down, Orton shouting to rip his head off. Bourne gets to his feet, kicks his way out, they starrt bouncing off the ropes, Bourne suddenly looks like he's lost and pays for it with a decapitating clothesline that flisp him inside-out, but he still kicks out of the pin attempt. Rhodes tags in, kicks to the midsection, DiBiase back in, double-team punch to the midsection. Bourne throws DiBiase into the corner, hits a windmill kick to the face FROM BEHIND (SOMEBODY was watching WEC Saturday night!), both men go down.

DiBiase with the hot tag to Orton, Bourne with the hot tag to Kingston, and Kingston is all over Orton in a hurry with "controlled frenzy", followed by the Boom Drop (and not a SINGLE decent camera angle to catch it!), Rhodes runs in to break up a pin attempt, Henry runs in to dispatch him, but Orton dropkicks him out of the ring and tags out to DiBiase, Kingston dropkicks Orton out of the ring. DiBiase tries for something from behind, Kingston ducks it and hits the Trouble in Paradise for the pin.

WINNERS: Kingston, Henry & Bourne. Not a bad match at all! Very surprising! We play the ighlights, go into the back where the Divas are hanging out with Johnny Damon. Eve Torres is getting some eggnog when Carlito Colon comes up and tries to kiss her under the mistletoe. Carlito puckers up for a kiss, Torres walks off and is replaced with Chris Masters.

They get into a shoving match, "Santa Claus" runs up and tells them to take it to the ring, "And that's an order!" WOAH! It's Santa Slaughter! They both point out that he's not the man in charge tonight, Johnny Damon saunters over and re-asserts his authority and makes it a match. This COULD be worth watching! But first, a commercial break!

John Cena vs. "the All-American American" Jack Swagger

Michael Cole says that if Swagger can defeat Cena tonight, it will put him in the picture for the WWE Championship. Huh. Sure. We lock-up, Swagger easily takes Cena down with a single-leg, rolls him around the mat, then puts him face-first in the corner for punches to the kidneys, spins him around and flattens him with punches to the midsection. Swagger puts him in another corner, shoulder block to the midsection, more punches and a foot to the throat as Cena slumps in the corner.

Swagger stands him back up, do-si-do whip to the other corner sees Cena with the upper-hand, followed by a bulldog, followed by a backdrop over the ropes to the floor and ANOTHER FUCKING MID-MATCH BREAK! UGH!

During the break, action spilled to the outside, Swagger was able to whip Cena into the ringside barrier. Back on live TV, Swagger has Cena hemmed up from behind, Cena breaks it, bounces off the ropes who catches him and plants him with an old-fashioned Double-A Spinebuster!

Swagger stomps on Cena's chest, front face lock, whips Cena into the corner and clubs him in the back, followed by punches and kicks to put him back down. Whips Cena into the corner, charges, Cena moves out of the way, punches, whip off the ropes, Swagger reverses and hits him with a side slam, cover and a hook of the leg only gets him a two count. Swagger flips Cena over, double chicken wing submission on the mat.

Cena powers back up to his feet again, Swagger straining to restrain him. Cena flexes his arm, Swagger transitions with an armdrag and back into the double chicken wing. Cena again powers up to his feet, flexes his arms, breaks free. Swagger goes for a clothesline, Cena ducks it and counters with a belly-to-belly suplex, covers and gets a two count.

Cena whips Swagger into the corner, charges, and eats a boot to the face. Swagger stomps on Cena's back a few times to keep him down, followed by a legdrop to the chest. Swagger repositions him near the corner, charges to the corner, launches himself off it for a splash, covers, hooks the legs, 1... 2... Cena kicks out!

Swagger pounds the mat in frustration, but composes himself and waits for Cena to get back up. Kick to the midsection, goes for the Gutwrench Powerbomb, Cena wraps his leg around Swagger's to block it, then overpowers Swagger with a simple backdrop. Swagger now acts like he's just had the piss beaten out of him, gets to his feet first, misses with a wild clothesline.

Cena bounces off the ropes to set up his "Five Moves of Doom", starting with a pair of shoulder blocks, the side slam, the Five Knuckle Shuffle... sets up for the Attitude Adjustment, but Swagger grabs the head an rolls him with a neckbreaker! Swagger picks up Cena on his shoulders, rams him into the corner, holds on for the running power slam, covers, 1... 2... Cena still kicks out! Superman is alive!

Swagger picks up Cena with a front face lock, puts him in the corner, jacks him with a punch. Cena turns around and tries to climb up the turnbuckle, Swagger helps him up, and ascends the turnbuckles himself. Swagger looks like he's going for a doublewing superplex, Cena blocks it, powers his arms out then just punches Swagger in the face to knoc him off. Cena sets up for the Guillotine Legdrop and flies, Swagger rolls out of the way to avoid it! Swagger tries for the drop off the corner, but Cena avoids it himself, swoops in and finishes off Swagger with the STF!

WINNER: John Cena. Very good match, I didn't want to see Cena win, but I knew he was going to, but THANK GOD it was a good match and not a squash. Kudos to WWE for not making Swagger look like a chump in this match.

Backstage we have Johnny Damon talking to ANOTHER Santa, a Santa of the poka-dot kind, Dusty Rhodes! MVP strolls in and says that he's got a Christmas wish, "MVP of 2010", he wants to earn a title shot, and would like a title shot against champion Sheamus tonight. Rhodes says Johnny Damon can make his dream happen... "MVP versus Shamus tonight... It's ON!"

Carlito Colon vs. "the Masterpiece" Chris Masters (w/ Eve Torres)

Carlito tries to strike the first blow, but Masters blocks it, hits his own punch, tries for the Masterlock, Colon scrambles for the ropes and gets the break, then uses them to choke Masters. Colon back in the ring and tries to take Masters out with a Sleeper. Masters falls to his knees, fights it off with the crowd rallying him, picks up Colon on his back, spins around and slams him backwards into the corner for a break. Colon charges out and eats a powerslam.

Masters loudly calls for the Masterlock, Colon slips out and jawjacks Masters. Colon tries for the Backstabber, Masters slips out and tries for the Masterlock again, Colon slips out, tries for the springboard reverse elbow from the middle rope, Masters is right there to catch him and finish him off with the Master lock for the fourth try.

WINNER: Chris Masters. After the match Colon rolls away, Eve Torres walks up to Masters, pulls a mistletoe out of her boot and presents him with a kiss. Masters is in complete shock and awe. Speaking of "shock and awe", we then segue into a montage of WWE's "Tribute to the Troops" tour in Iraq last month.

Backstage after the break, the Bella Twins are cooing over the guy in the Tiger costume, Mike "the Miz" Mizanin comes up to another Santa and says he is mad for all the gifts he didn't get in the past, and this year wants a WWE Championship title shot. The Santa turns out to be Irwin R. Scheister, who reminds "the Miz" that he still owes back taxes for a car he won on a reality contest. Their conversation is broken up by the Elin Woods look-alike running in and screaming, "There's MORE???" and then takes a swing at the Tiger and the Bellas, all run off. IRS reminds the Miz that tax season is right around the corner.

Johnny Damon comes up and says, "I'm glad I paid my taxes!" to which Scheister scoffs, "Yeah, right! You baseball players are the biggest tax cheats of all!" and runs off! All of the sudden, Mae Young pops up wearing a sexy little red number and slaps a big kiss right on Damon, drags him to the ground and tries to rape him. It's LIVE SEX 2.0! This was all stupid, but quite funny. MUAY BUYS!!! How did Santino Marella not get in on this, though??

NEXT WEEKS GUEST HOST - TIMBALAND IN CONNECTICUT?? OK this makes no sense. We send a New England-area baseball star to Tampa Florida, where he's hated, and we're going to send a hip-hop star to Connecticut? Shouldn't that have been the other-way around?

WWE Champion Sheamus O'Shaunessy vs. Montel Vontaveous Porter (non-title match)

So apparently Porter just wanted to EARN a future title shot tonight by going up against Sheamus... wow. Weak. Sheamus attacks Porter at the bell with a European Uppercut, throws him in the corner, beats him down, pulls him out of the corner and more punches. Porter responds with punches to the mdisection, Sheamus cuts him off with a pair of knees to the midsection. Front face lock by the champ, sets up and executes a the Irish Curse (side slam backbreaker over the knee).

Porter goes off to the corner to rest, Sheamus charges, Porter ducks out of the way and throws punches, Sheamus counter punches and another knee to the midsection. Sheamus whips Porter off the ropes, eats a shoulder block followed by a Facebuster. Porter tries for the Playmaker, and Sheamus pops up and hits him with a Bicycle Kick to the face, followed by the Crucifix Slam for the win.

WINNER: Sheamous O'Shaunessy. Sheamus starts to beat up on Porter again, throws him out of the ring. John Cena runs down and says, "You guys do remember he owes me a rematch, right? I want my rematch RIGHT NOW!" Sheamus stares him down, then steps out of the ring, fans start booing. Sheamus steps back in, teases a fight, and backs out again, going back up the ramp. Cena waves his hand in front of his face as we go to commercial.

Backstage we have Johnny Damon trying to have Mae Young's makeup removed when Mr. McMahon walks in, congratulates him on his work tonight, but then asks Damon if he's going to do anything about John Cena's challenge to Sheamus. Damon says he'll make Cena vs. Sheamus for the title next week. Damon then asks if there's any truth to the rumor that Bret Hart will be returning as a guest host. Mr. McMahon says, "That's kind of a bah-humbug!" and leaves it at that.

WWE United States Champion Mike "the Miz" Mizanin vs. Santino Claus (non-title match)

Marella comes down to the ring in full Santa Claus regella. "Merry Christmas, Merry Hanukkah and Merry Kwanzza to all!" He then starts singing his own song, "Santino Claus is Coming to Town".

He tells the Miz that this isn't very good for him, because "Right now Santino Claus doesn't-ah feel like being very nice!" Santino insists on wrestling in his Santa garb, and Mizanin levels him with a forearm shot right at the bell, followed by an old-fashioned beat down. Mizanin pulls Marella up and chokes him over the ropes, then bounces off and hits a leg lariat to the back of the neck. Marella begs off to a corner, Mizanin approaches, picks him up and takes him out with a Hangman's Neckbreaker.

Mizanin throws him in the corner and stomps him down, finishes him off with a boot choke. Mizanin calls for the fans to boo him. Mizanin charges with the clothesline in the corner, Marella ducks it, ducks a second clothesline with a split-leg, then executes an armdrag that kills Mizanin. Marella climbs to the middle turnbuckle for a diving headbutt, Mizanin rolls out of the way, wraps up Marella for the Skull-Crushing Finale.

WINNER: Mike "the Miz" Mizanin. Miz then goes to the corner and picks up the sack of presents and stomps on it, then punts it right out of the ring. Miz laughs, flips out of the ring and shouts "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Michael Cole then segues us into a RECAP of the fucking "Little People's Court" segment. WOW. UGH.

We go backstage to see The Big Show walking in back. Josh Matthews runs up and wants his reaction to tonight's show. WTF? You just randomly walk up to people, camera crew in tow, and ask a stpid question like that? Well, apparenty Big Show had an answer.

"My reaction? Yeah, I'm sick of these imposter Santas running around here! I'm going out there to call out the real Santa Claus! I want my wish, and if anybody gets in my way I'm gonna knock them out! I want my wish, and I want it now!" Maybe Big Show's wish is to be traded back to SmackDown so he can actually wrestle again. One can hope, right? We kill some more time with a commercial break and a promo for The Marine 2 which comes out directly on DVD in 1 hour and 3 minutes.

"Tonight's guest host, Johnny Damon, promised that one of our Superstars would have their wish granted by one of these Santas running around. That superstar is ME! One of these bogus Santas are going to come down here and grant me my wish NOW! Get a move on, Santa!"

So out comes the Bella Twins escorting another Santa, can't tell who it might be, though. Santa steps in the ring, "HO HO HO! Merry Christmas! Oh, my... you're a large little boy, aren't you? Normally I'd have you sit on my knee, but that isn't going to happen, is it?"

Big Show holds up his finger, goes down on one knee, and invites him to sit on HIS knee. "Santa's been buys making toys... so, tell me, have you been a good boy this year?" "Yes, Santa, I have been a good little boy." "Well, in that case, what do you want for Christmas this year?" "What I really, really want is my best friend, and tag team partner, Chris Jericho, back on Raw."

"Chris Jerichio? He's been a really bad boy this year. All he does is talk-talk-talk, he makes my belly hurt!" "But he's really smart, and I miss him"! "Are you sure this is what you really want?" "Yes, Santa, this is what I really, really want." The fans boo. Santa says, "No reason to be Scrooges about this, if this is what you really want, then you shall have it!

Next week Chris Jericho will return to Raw!" The fans boo, but suddenly out comes Hornswoggle, who steps in the ring, runs up and pulls Santa's beard of... it's Chris Jericho himself! Hornswoggle leaves beore Jericho can grab him, he dives under the ring and then comes back out with all of the midgets we saw earlier, now all dressed in D-X gear.

They charge at Jericho, he shoves them all down, Big Show throws several of them out. One last little person is latched onto Jericho's leg. Jericho grabs the ropes and shouts, "Get him off of me!" big Show picks him up by the back of his shirt, parades him around the ring, then kills him with a side slam! Jericho gives him a high-five, big Show picks him up by a leg and dumps him over the ring, referees come up to catch him.

Jericho dashes out of the ring and snatches up Hornswoggle before he can escape and throws him back in the ring. Big Show picks him up and slams him in the corner. Hornswoggle gets to his feet, stares them down, and then starts stomping his leg to call for a Superkick... he runs up to Jericho and delivers some Sweet Shin Music! Big Show picks him up and starts for a chokeslam, but then D-Generation X runs in and attack, Michaels throws Jericho ut of the ring.

Big Show grabs Triple H in a chokeslam, then Michaels, but D-X block the chokeslam and hit a double-team suplex, and Big Show rolls out of the ring. Hornswoggle runs in to congratulate them, fans start chanting "D-X! D-X!". Hornswoggle crotch chops them. Triple H takes a mic, "Shawn... let's squash him!" Michaels stops him, "C'mon, it's Christmas... we can't squash him!" Triple H says, "You know what I want for Christmas? I WANNA SQUASH HIM!" Michaels responds, "Look, I don't wanna admit it, the little guy is growing on me!" Triple H, with a resigned sigh says, "OK I have to admit, I don't hate him as much as I used to!"

Michaels says, "Aww, can we keep him?? I promise to clean out his cage and take him for walks and stuff!" Triple H replies, "Shawn... you know we can't let him in D-X! We have a height requirement! He doesn't even make... " Micaels says, "C'mon, I got an idea..." and whispers something in his ear. Triple H says that if Hornswoggle drops the lawsuit, he can be the official D-Generation X maxcot. Fans go nuts. Hornswoggle goes nuts... high-fives all around...

Michaels finishes with, "And if you're not down with that, we got two words for ya..." Hornswoggle snatches the mic and shouts "SUCK IT!!!!"

*rolls eyes* It's official. D-Generation X just became the most pussified gimmick of all time. That's it, I"M DONE WITH THIS SHOW! NEVER EVER EVER NEVER NEVER EVER EVER am I going to recap this shit!!! EVER!

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