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Killa Kev's Raw Report

Tonight WWE Raw is Live from St. Louis, MO and tonight's guest host is actor and former WWE Creative team member Freddie Prinze, Jr. And on his plate are last week's final orders from Sgt. Slaughter: WWE Champion Randy Orton & John Cena must team up to take on the WWE Unified Tag Team Champions, Chris Jericho & the Big Show! ZOMG!

Yeah, that's what we've got going into this week's WWE Raw, one week before a pay-per-view. Really? That's it? *sighs* Raw is such a fucking FAIL from the start! The "go home" episode of the flagship show, and that's all they give us to look forward to.

But, seriously, I don't want to get too bitter already.

Lillian Garcia is in the ring to introduce us to the Prinze. Prinze comes out, slapping hands with the fans, literally bouncing into the ring, molesting Lillian and coping a cheap feel (I'm kidding, I'm sure his wife wouldn't like that).

Prinze takes the mic. "Oh, wow! I'm here tonight for one reason! Just like all of you, I'm a life-long WWE fan! Yeah! From the hundreds and hundreds of action figures that are still in my closet, to the Coliseum Home Videos hosted by Mean Gene, all the way to the ice cream bars with the cookie crunch taht would make you vomit if you ate them! Tonight I get to stand in this ring, and I get to be in charge! But, tonight is not about me, it's not about what I want you, it's about YOU! It's about what YOU want!

That's right! You see, SummerSlam is right around the corner, and I thought since I was in charge, we're going to start SummerSlam RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, TONIGHT! Tonight on Monday Night Raw we will defend both the Divas Championship and the United States Championship! And if that's not enough for you, I don't know if you've heard, tonight marks the return of a little group known as D-Generation X! But I'm not finished! I'm not finished!"

Oh yes you are, because over the P-A system booms some new, unheard of music... out from the back comes... uhhh... what the fuck is this? Prinze is laughing, it's somebody in a black leather trench coat, leather hat, leather pants, and some kind of hook in their hand. OK, this must be one of those cultural things I have no clue about. The individual takes the mic from a laughing Prinze... "I know what you did last summer... and I know what you're going to do this Sunday..." he strips the hat off - ITS SANTINO MARELLA! "You're going to put-ah me in one of ya movies!" OH LORD! Marella says he's got a new movie script that he's been working on, I Know What You Did 12 Summers Ago. "I don't need to be in a horror movie, I'm very... versatile!" Marella then quickly changes his outfit to show off his various acting styles, first sporting Donald Trump's wig, glasses and a sweatshirt... supposedly a nerd. Then he strips it off and shows off his muscles, transforming himself into a "hunk". Marella asks Prinze how he did, Prinze says he needs a little help. Marella says he needs more edge. He then strips off his shirt to reveal a SWAT-style vest, jumps out of the ring, holds a finger-gun up to Lillian Garcia's head and demands to know where the bomb is. Fans pop for this. Prinze tells Marella that he should go back stage right now and practice for the next two hours. Marella clears the ring of his props and runs off quickly. Fans applaud.

Okay, not a bad opening skit. "Well, at least it wasn't a Scooby Doo joke!" quips Prinze. "We got a little sidetracked, but we got one more match for you. In the main event, this is going to be so sick, I'm not going to make you wait..." Well, you might not, but Randy Orton is. He interrupts the announcement with his entrance theme. Orton takes the ring, the home town fans with a mix of cheers and boos.

"Tonight I'm teaming up with the man I am facing this Sunday, John Cena," says Orton. The fans again give Cena's name a mix of cheers and boos. "I don't like it! I won't do it! In fact, seeing that SummerSlam is only six days away, I don't feel like competing at all tonight!" The fans now boo Orton. Prinze says, "Look, Randy, Randy... I can see you not wanting to team with Cena. But Orton, this is St. Louis!" Fans pop for themselves. "This is your hometown, and you don't wanna work? What you think, I'm gonna disappoint all these people?"Orton responds, "Freddie, you must be confusing me with somebody who actually cares! I am not here to please these people! I have nothing, NOTHING in common with any of you! This is about ME! It's all about ME! I am the WWE Champion, and Freddie, I'm not going to ask you again." The fans respond with "You suck! You suck!" chants. "Now, take me out of this match!"

Prinze says, "Randy... you know I respect you, but do I look like Seth Green to you, huh? Do I look like Jeremy Piven? Don't even try to bully me, Sgt. Slaughter made a match last week, and I am NOT going to change it. You WILL compete here tonight, you WILL team up with John Cena, and you WILL face Jericho and the Big Show! SORRY!" Prinze starts to walk off, Orton snatches him up from behind and takes him out with the inverted headlock backbreaker! Prinze is DEAD! OK, not dead, but he's not moving! Referees and ringside doctors immediately hit the ring, Orton picks up his title and walks off. We better take our first commercial! We come back and see video of Prinze being helped out of the ring.

WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: champion Kofi Kingston vs. Carlito Colon (/w Rosa Mendes)

Kingston is excited like a mofo because he finally gets to defend his title in a single's match! We flash back to last Thursday's episode of Superstars as Kingston teamed with Mickie James in a mixed tag team match against Rosa Mendes & Carlito Colon, with a distraction between James and Mendes causing a ref distraction, and Colon hitting the Back Stabber on Kingston to pick up the win. Carlito comes out with Mendes, and damn his fro has gone flat! How does he even see? We lock up, Kingston pushes Colon into the corner, clean break, but an aggressive Colon applies a side headlock, gets shot off the ropes, shoulder tackle on Kingston, Kingston with his own side headlock, gets shot off the ropes, Kingston with his own shoulder tackle and a pin attempt. Kingston leapfrogs over Colon a few times, but Colon holds the ropes so it doesn't happen a third time, Kingston leapfrogs anyhow, and Colon uses the momentum to knock Kingston out of the ring. We take a break as the ref stops Colon from going after Kingston.

Colon has Kingston in a reverse chinlock as we return, we flashback to the break to see Colon dropkicking Kingston off the apron, then Colon slingshotting himself into the ring to hit Kingston with a forearm smash. Back to the in-ring action, Kingston gets to his feet, punches his way loose, bounces off the ropes, slides under Colon's legs, but Colon spins around and nails Kingston in the jaw with a big boot. Colon goes for the cover, 1... 2.. kickout by the champion. Colon grabs Kingston by his dreads, puts him in the corner, and they grade punches and kicks until Colon beats Kingston down and the ref has to break. Colon picks up Kingston, whip off the ropes and connects with an elbow smash, cover but only gets two. Colon wraps up Kingston in a reverse chinlock again, Kingston rallies back to his feet, elbows out, Colon with knees to the midsection, tries for a snap suplex, Kingston reverses it and counters with the side Russian legsweep. Both men take a moment to get their wits about, Kingston fires off with some chops, a dropkick, and an unorthodoxed slam into a roll-up, two count. Kingston with a high flying clothesline, bounces off the ropes and hits that deadly double legdrop, cover and hooks the legs, only gets two for his troubles!

Colon goes to the corner, Kingston charges, Colon moves out of the way, Kingston rebounds off with a cross body block, cover and still only two. Kingston charges Colon, Colon catches him with a European Uppercut, staggers back, Colon charges and Kingston delivers an uppercut of his own! Kingston on the cover, two count. Colon throws Kingston into the corner, charges, Kingston steps through the ropes to hit the Pendulum kick, leaps off the turnbuckle for the cross-body block, covers, two count. Colon whips Kingston into the ropes, Kingston rebounds and tries for the Trouble in Paradise, Colon ducks it, hits a neckbreaker, two count. Colon sets up for the Back Stabber, Kingston blocks it, Colon shoves Kingston into the ropes which allows Kingston to pull off Trouble in Paradise, one kick to the head and Carlito Colon is DONE! 1! 2! 3!

WINNER AND STILL WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPION, KOFI KINGSTON! Great opening match, Rosa Mendes rushes into the ring to check on Colon as Kingston celebrates. We take a shot of the parking garage in the arena as we're waiting for the arrival of D-Generation X. We're going to take a break, come back with Jerry Lawler gushing even more about D-X's return, as Michael Cole segues us into a D-X retrospective.

Mike "the Miz" Mizanin vs. Evan "Air" Bourne

Mizanin comes out and WOAH! New ring attire! He's ditched the raggedy t-shirt and cargo shorts for a real pair of boots and trunks! Mizanin takes the mic. "Two weeks ago, i was banned from Monday Night Raw! So, now I before you a new man, new attitude, new look, SAME MOUTH! And in a few short moments I will be embarking in the most remarkable turnaround in WWE History, because I will start my quest to become the NEW United States champion! So, Kofi Kingston, mon, enjoy your victory... because I'M THE MIZ, AND I'M AWESOME!" YES YOU ARE! And we're going to take a commercial and completely miss Bourne's entrance now. COOL! No we're not, I forgot that Bourne is another St. Louis native, and he get s a HUGE home crowd pop!

Mizanin immediately on the attack at the bell, putting Bourne in the corner and stomping him down, forcing the referee to step in-between and make a break. Bourne tries to push Mizanin into the ropes for a roll-up, Mizanin hangs on. Both men try to run the ropes, Bourne chooses to body-check Mizanin, hit a dropkick, cover and two count. Mizanin hits a clothesline that turns Bourne inside-out, cover and a two count. Mizanin grabs Bourne by the hair and kicks him in he back repeatedly, goes for the pin, two count. Mizanin flips Bourne over, chicken-wings the arms and puts him in a submission. Mizanin stands up and applies it again, this time with a knee in the back. Bourne struggles to his feet, but Mizanin sends him head-first into the turnbuckle and beats on him until the ref breaks. Mizanin charges and connects with a clothesline in the center, climbs to the top turnbuckle, tries for a double axehandle smash and Bourne counters with a desperation spin kick that sends Mizanin to the floor.

Bourne follows up with a slingshot cross-body block over the ropes into Mizanin, rolls him in the ring. Mizanin tries to catch Bourne on the apron, Bourne with a Pele kick from the apron, flying headscissor takeover, standing moonsault into the pin attempt, two count! Bourne drags Mizanin into the corner, but Mizanin smartly hooks a leg and tries for a small package roll-up into a pin attempt. Bourne pops up and knees Mizanin in the jaw, goes to the top turnbuckle, Mizanin recovers and knocks him off, but Bourne kicks him in the head. Bourne leapfrogs onto Mizanin's shoulders for a headscissor takeover, but Mizanin blocks it, slaps on a Full Nelson, then hits a front-face slam, Mizanin calls it the "Skull Crushing Finale" and it gets him the win!

WINNER: Mike Mizanin. Great match, and I want MORE of this feud, and hopefully this starts Mizanin's climb to a singles title.

The Return of D-Generation X to Monday Night Raw

We take a break, come back with some more D-X promo bullshit. We go back to the parking garage as D-X arrives. Triple H and Shawn Michaels are already starting their play-fight bullshit. They turn around the corner and Jillian Hall spazzes out to their return. Triple H dumps a trash can over her head. "Good thing for you, Shawn, is that this place never changes!" quips Triple H. "Every time you think it can't get any worse, something always happens! Some idiot jumps out behind you..." and on-cue, Santino Marella drops from the rafters, points the finger gun at them, and shouts "WHERE IS THE BOMB?!?" Michaels hits him with the superkick and they walk out to the arena, and the fans pop, they take plenty of time to ham it up for the crowd, Triple H taking the middle of the ring and pointing over to Shawn Michaels as he does laps around the ring. Michaels takes his turn pointing to Hunter as he takes a mic.I may not care for it, but the fans do love it.

"Wow," is all Triple H can stammer out to the crowd reaction. The fans cheer even wilder and start a "D-X! D-X!" chant. "Shawn, is it good to be back?" Michaels says, "God help me, I love this stuff!" Of course you do, Shawn, because it's lazy. "So with that said, there's one important thing we need to know..." blah blah blah yeah suck it already. "Are you ready? NO! I said ARE! YOU! READY?!"

Well Legacy sure is, because they ambush D-Generation X! DiBiase throws out Triple H and slams him into the steel ringsteps. Rhodes is beating up Michaels, DiBiase comes in and they throw Michaels head-first into the corner and put the boots to him. Triple H back in, tries to take out DiBiase, but Rhodes with the clip from behind, takes out the knee. DiBiase gets control over Triple H again, Rhodes pulls of Michaels' boot, stomps him right in the face. DiBiase hems up Triple H as Rhodes smacks him in the head with it. "Pick him up again, Teddy!" shouts Rhodes, as he turns around and crushes the boot into Michaels skull, then does the same to Hunter.

DiBiase picks up the mic as the fans boo him. "Hunter... there's the answer to your question! IT IS YES! WE! ARE! READY!" DiBiase throws the mic at Triple H's head, then lines up a boot to Michaels head. Rhodes does the same to Triple H. Fans still booing heavily as Legacy leaves the ring. "You're not ready!" shouts DiBiase as they walk backwards to the ramp, taunting D-X. The return of D-Generation X has been SPOILED and this AngryMark couldn't be happier! We're going to commercial!

WWE DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP: champion Mickie James vs. Gail Kim

Wow, we're not going to put this on SummerSlam, huh? Wow, how sad. But, at least we still get this match as we lock up, James quickly with an armbar, Kim reverses it into a wristlock, Jame whirls out of it, Kim with an armdrag, both divas go for a dropkick and into a Mexican standoff. Kim wants a handshake, James offers her a hand slap then tries for a kick to the head, Kim ducks it, throws James in the corner, slingshots into the ring, cover and gets a two count. James tries for a suplex, Kim with a small package, and they roll around the ring several times with counter-roll-ups, both get to their feet and both hit a clothesline, knocking the wind out of each other.

They get to their feet and stiff each other with forearm shots, Kim off the ropes with a cross-body block, James immediately kicks out, hits a spin kick, but Kim picks her up and plants her in the corner. James counters with a pair of elbows and a headscissor takeover. Kim counters with a hurracanrana and this is a catch-as-catch-can classic! Kim rams James into the corner with a shoulder, leaps off the turnbuckle and connects with a missile dropkick, covers, two count. James with a forearm smash, goes for a DDT, Kim tries to counter with a kic but James grabs the leg and locks on for an ankle lock, Kim reaches out and grabs the ropes, turns around and sweeps James off her feet, goes for a pin, two count.

Kim tries to bounce off hte corner with a cross-body block, James catches her, slams her to the mat, cover and a two count. James sets up for the DDT, Kim botches the spot and they fall on their face! James recovers and covers while Jerry Lawler does his own cover, explaining that Kim actually blocked it. James nails Kim in the face with a forearm shot, Kim falls on her back, James goes for the cover and the pin.

WINNER AND STILL WWE DIVAS CHAMPION, MICKIE JAMES. WOW! What a Botchamania moment there! Referee checks on Kim, it looks like she may be legitimately injured or something happened. James comes over and checks on her as well, pulls her to her feet. She raises Kim's arm to be a good sport, but then stares into her face as she holds up the WWE Divas Championship, reminding Kim who the alpha female on Raw is.

We replay Randy Orton attacking guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr. Michael Cole updates us that Prinze is okay and still in the building. We go to Josh Matthews in the back as he interviews John Cena, asks his thoughts about tonight's match with Orton. "Randy Orton is the WWE Champion, OUR WWE Champion. You gotta hand it to him, he uses all his resources by any means necessary, and rightfully so he is considered the most successful superstar in the WWE. Despite his success, Randy Orton has problems, and listening to him tonight it seems that all of us are the source of his problems. He's got a problem with me being his partner, he's got a problem with all of us wanting him to perform tonight, and when things don't go his way Randy Orton turns into a big kid. Randy ALL of us have problems! Look, I got a zit on my face! I hate getting caught up in traffic, and I hate it when my dog poops on the floor! But the difference between all of us and Randy Orton is that the rest of us DEAL with our problems! Look, I can whine and complain - I'm afraid to fight the Big Show tonight! I'm afraid to fight Chris Jericho because I never learned to read!" Josh Matthews can't keep a straight face any long as Cena grabs him by the lapels and shakes him up. "But I am not Randy Orton! Randy I hope you are listening because tonight if you fight by my side I PROMISE we can deal with our problem! Now Sunday is a different problem, because I don't have any gold around my waist! Sunday night be ready because THE! CHAMP! IS! HERE!"

Chris Jericho comes into the picture now, "Yes, the champs ARE here. And you've got a lot more issues than with a zit on your face. You've got a problem with dropping me on my head last week. And if you got a problem with me, you've got a GIANT problem with HIM!" as Jericho points over to the Big Show. Big Show comes into the camera, "Y'know, you might not even make it to this Sunday, little man!" Commercial.

Montel Vontaveous Porter vs. "the All-American American" Jack Swagger

This week's WWE Rewind is Montel Vontaveous Porter picking up a win over "the Masterpiece" Chris Masters, only to be distracted by Jack Swagger, allowing Masters to attack Porter from behind with the Masterlock, Swagger follows up with his own attack.

We come back to live TV right as the bell rings for this match, neither man being announced. Swagger with a reverse waistlock takedown right at the bell, Porter escapes, Swagger does it again and paintbrush slaps the back of his head, then gets up and gloats. Porter gets up, laughs, then jacks Swagger's jaw, beats on him until Swagger powders out. Porter follows up, throws Swagger face-first into the announcers table, then back into the ring. Swagger cuts him off and kicks him down into the corner, referee breaks, Swagger comes right back for more, another break, and more kicks until the referee disqualifies Swagger for failure to listen to the referee.

WINNER: Montel Vontaveous Porter, by DQ. Swagger and the referee argue, Porter gets back to his feet and pummels Swagger, beating the piss out of him until Swagger can escape out of the ring and run off. Wow, what in the fuck was the point of that? Could we not at least get a five minute match out of this? Sheesh. off to another commercial.

FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH: Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle

NO FUCK THIS I AM NOT COVERING ANY MORE CHAVO/HORNSWOGGLE MATCHES. I'm taking a piss, taking a drink, I'll report who won because it doesn't matter WHAT the fuck happens here. Okay, it's a quick recap - Chavo chases Hornswoggle under the ring, then into the back, where Chavo opens a door and gets smacked in the head with a paint can. Hornswoggle pops out from another room and gets the pin. WINNER: Hornswoggle. Afterward Mark Henry appears, laughs, but says he didn't do it. HOLY SHIT! MACAULY CULKEN! He comes through the door and comments, "That ain't funny." and walks off. No shit! Get this shit off of my TV!

Jerry Lawler & Michael Cole give us the run-down for Sunday's SummerFest... SummerSizzle? Oh, wait, SummerSlam! And then we see Jericho and Big Show walking to the ring as we go to commercial.

NEXT WEEK'S GUEST HOST: It was leaked that it was Mike Adamle, but NO! DAMNIT! It's going to be Floyd "Money" Mayweather, Jr.! Oh, I'm sure Big Show is going to love that!

WWE Champion Randy Orton & John Cena vs. WWE Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & the Big Show (non-title match)

Jericho & Show are introduced first, briefly posing in the ring. Orton enters next, then John Cena, all brief. Before the match gets started, though, guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr. comes out, his arm in a sling. "Hey Randy! I thought I'd take a page out of your book! This match just became a Lumberjack Match! And as far as the lumberjacks go, I hand-picked them myself! They don't like you very much! Good luck!" Mark Henry, MVP, Kofi Kingston, Primo Colon and more babyfaces comes out and surround the ring as we go to commercial.

During the break we see Jericho throw John Cena out of the ring, and none of the lumberjacks would touch him, but then Cena throws Jericho out, distracts the referee and the babyfaces attack! We come back to the live action, Big Show has John Cena in a bear hug applied to the side. Cena elbows his way loose, bounces off the ropes to try a shoulder block, Big Show just stands there and Cena falls to his back, and acts like he was just hit by a freight train (hey, it's a better acting job than when Big Show threw him through the 7,000-watt stage light... or 12 Rounds, for that matter). Cena crawls to his corner, reaches out for a tag, Randy Orton reaches his hand out, then pulls it back at the last moment.

Big Show whips Cena into the corner, chops him, whip to another corner, charges, Cena ducks the attack, runs over and slaps Randy Orton on the back as his back was turned. Orton refuses to get into the ring, so Cena throws him in! Orton can't believe what happened, but gets snapped back to reality as Big Show cuts him with a Spear, then dumps him outside, the lumberjacks beat him up and throw him back in. Big Show with a front face lock on Orton, puts him in the corner then sucker-punches him right in the guts. Big Show pulls him up and does it again. Big Show picks up Orton and takes him down with a standing leg lariat (BALANCED ON HIS TOES!), goes for a cover, two count. Big Show tags in Jericho who has no problem kicking Orton in the ribs a few times before mounting him for some ground 'n pound, fist meeting face. Referee breaks that up, Jericho pulls up Orton and drills him between the eyes with a fist, backs him up to the ropes and does it again, Irish Whip and Orton is caught in a sleeper hold. Orton struggles, but goes down to his knees, powers back up, Jericho telling him to give up. Instead Orton counters with a belly-to-back suplex that knock the wind out of both men.

Orton crawls to his corner for a tag, Cena calling for the tag, "C'mon! Make the tag! Make it!" but Jericho recovers, drags Orton back to his corner, tags in Big Show and holds Orton down as Big Show bounces off the ropes and delivers THE LEG DROP OF DOOM! Cover! 1... 2... Orton barely kicks out! Big Show with a nerve clamp on Orton's trapezium, another hand over Orton's skull, crushing it! Orton get to his feet, Big Show punches him in the ribs and then pulls off a snap suplex, followed by walking over Orton's midsection. DAMN Big Show can still move when he wants! Jericho tags in and arrogantly kicks Orton in the head, cutting him off from Cena's tag. Jericho bounces off the ropes, Orton counters with a desperation scoop slam. Orton crawls for the tag, but Jericho recovers and cuts him off again, then applies another sleeper hold on the mat. Jericho calls for the referee to check him, but Orton is nowhere near ready to go down yet. He powers to his feet, elbows his way out, punches Jericho in the ribs, bounces off the ropes and eats a reverse elbow. Jericho goes for the Lionsault, nobody home as Orton rolls towards the ropes to avoid it.

Orton crawls for one more tag attempt and connects! Cena off the ropes with a pair of flying shoulder tackles, the side slam and then looks around the arena before calling for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes to bounce off the ropes, Big Show reaches out to grab him by the neck. Cena grabs Big Show's head and chokes him over the top ropes! Jericho tries to attack, but Cena ducks it and counters with the Attitude Adjuster. GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART! 1-2-3.

WINNERS: John Cena & Randy Orton. Orton charges into the ring and takes out Cena with the RKO. He bails before Mark Henry can stop him. Jericho and Big Show attack Cena as Orton runs off, the lumberjacks get into break it off, Big Show fights them all off, but Cena recovers and thows Jericho and Big Show out himself, before taking the ring and posing. Orton stands at the top of the ramp and holds up the WWE Championship.

WOW, I can't believe that WWE pulled off a TNA-riffic finish! The build going into tonight's show was shitty, but the show actually delivered it's best programming in weeks, possibly the last two months! I'm not so sure the Raw portion of SummerSlam is going to be anything worth watching, but MAYBE, just maybe there is some hope.

2 comments: on "Killa Kev's Raw Report"

kathy said...

word for word...really?
there really is no need to watch Raw anymore.

Hipnosis said...

I must not be a real Wrestling Fan cause people Hatin on Hard Justice and RAW and I liked both of em

...and WTF TNA-Riffic Finish?....when did TNA have someone make a tag and end it with 5 moves of doom?

That was basic JOHN CENA FINISH