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Tha Raw Report

I haven't heard this argument in a few weeks now, so I know we're about due for an appearance by it. And since most people don't care about "Raw", I'm going to make this the focal point anyway, because it needs to be said. The WWE should listen to their smark audience, at least in some instances.

You want proof of this? Right now, "Raw" is in a major tailspin. It's so bad that WWE is giving away free tickets to next week's "Raw" in Corpus Christi in order to make it look like they still pack houses. Marks are jumping ship left and right, going to watch other things. Who's still around? The smarks.

The smarks are the ones who have been around forever, and will be around forever. They've seen the best and worst of wrestling, so what possible reason is there to NOT use them as a gauge? Because they don't go entirely according to plan the way WWE wants their fans to do? Well, that's not exactly working right now anyway.

WWE right now is on a tear of trying to give nothing but gratification. No good burns, few old school chases, no complex and intriguing storylines/cliffhangers, nothing that gives you a feeling of "I wonder what's going to happen next?" That's because they've sunk so much of their resources into the instant gratification, and the visual now pop, that the only people wondering what's happening next are the people who are actually writing the storylines.

The fans only care about what's happening now, and once now passes, they're gone if the entertainment value isn't as high. They're off watching Monday Night Football or playoff baseball or the nightly lineups on other stations. Meanwhile, the creative team doesn't have that option; they're stuck with the messes they've made. The emotional connection is what wrestling is missing, and it's the biggest thing that smarks are crying for. So give it to us, already!

I'm fully convinced that WWE has no idea what they're doing. Brian Gerwitz and "Raw" creative are seemingly writing everything on the fly these days, and if it's not obvious as hell, it's so insulting to the intellect of the fans that it's no wonder that the "Flagship" show is so bad. And yet, "Raw" is primarily what any wrestling shows will talk about. Sigh. No wonder this site can't find writers. Labor of love aside, this shit is frustrating sometimes, O-sters.

Alright, in all fairness, this is "Tha Raw Report", and I'm getting paid to talk about "Raw", so here we go. I'm so not digging the Jericho/Adamle power struggle. WWE doesn't have many heels to begin with, and they're doing an overkill on the heel vs. heel vignettes. Wouldn't it make more sense to have the heel GM and the heel champion be in cahoots? That way, Jericho could do most of the talking for Adamle to cover up that weakness.

Either way, Austin seems to be WWE's trump card for making the Batista/Jericho match at Cyber Sunday exciting. Sorry, not working this time. There has been so much involvement from other heels and faces that this storyline, which should be an old school chase, has degenerated. Everybody hates Jericho, and most people hate Batista, and there seems to be more focus on people hating them than there is on Batista and Jericho wanting the title. But hey, at least Batista didn't flub his line this week. Hang on, these pretzels are making me thirsty.

Here's an idea to improve "Raw". Just make it two hours of Chorlie (not a typo) Haas and Santino Marella. Seriously, who didn't mark out like crazy for Haas Hogan? This guy has mimicked everybody perfectly, and this week was no exception. The Haasamania belt was pure gold. Now we sit back and wait for "Hasso Man" Charlie Savage. I bet TNA will shit themselves over that one.

His equally funny counterpart, Santino Marella, came out again with more classic Santino. Goldendust, the "extremely racist" Honky Tonky Man, and Rodney The Piper. This guy is brilliant, and it's proof that if you take the shackles off of some guys, they can be incredible at what they do. Unfortunately, Santino kicked off the absolute worst segment in "Raw" history. This, folks, was worse than when Great Khali joined D-X. Here's the picture, and if you can follow me until the end, you are so capable of comprehending bullshit that you should run for political office.

Santino calls Johnny "Knockville" out. Knoxville insults Santino and gets slammed by Beth Phoenix. As Glamarella leaves the ring, Hornswoggle comes out and splahes Knoxville. Chris Pontius comes out to check on Knoxville. Out comes Big Dick Johnson. Johnson and Pontius strip down to thongs and dance. Out comes The Boogeyman, who clotheslines Pontius and throws worms in his mouth. Knoxville comes to and says that "wasn't so bad". Out comes The Great Khali. Khali puts Knoxville in the Head Squisher, then, with Knoxville still in the Head Squisher, picks him up by his head and gives him a Khali Bomb. An O-worthy ending to a No-filled segment.

Why, why, WHY is the Kane/Rey Mysterio feud still going on? You'd think that with how little planning there has been with this feud, they would dump it the first chance they get. Nope, they're seemingly dedicated to this angle for some unknown reason. Maybe Gerwitz got into Vince's powder, who knows. Either way, this is an official plea for sanity. Make like TJ's prom date and abort already!

Okay, so there wasn't much about "Raw" that I actually covered in this article, but let's be honest; that unpredictable feeling that you got watching "Raw" earlier in the summer is gone. If you really want to know what happened during "Raw", and you've seen any other "Raw" in the past month, then you already have a really great feel for what happened without having spent two hours watching the same stuff over and over again. Monotony is one of the best ratings killers in the world, right along with taking "The Red Green Show" out of your nightly line-up. Goddamn, that show was good.

Tha Results:
-Kane & Mark Henry def. Rey Mysterio & Matt Hardy
-JBL def. Haas Hogan
-Kelly Kelly and Cryme Tyme def. Jillian, The Miz and John Morrison
-Batista vs. Shawn Michaels in a Lumberjack Match-No Contest
-CM Punk def. Chris Jericho

10 comments: on "Tha Raw Report"

D.J.B. said...

You know me always up for a name change. It's no longer Monday night Raw or Tha Raw Report.

It's Monday Night Flaw followed up by Tha Flaw Report.

Make it happen.

Downtown said...

You get PAID!?!?!?! What the F? With what? Spendy, green, cashy money? That is bull$&%#!!

Christopher Casúr said...

Relax, bro. That's the joke. I don't get paid to talk about off topic items because I don't get paid period.

Downtown said...

You should! I mean Dan-e-o is a millionaire rapper, he could at least fund his writers. I think a review of last night's game would've been much better. I mean c'mon the freakin Browns beat the almighty Giants!

I DVR'd raw and the only guys that seemed hyped to even be on camera were Santino and Charlie Haas.

It's one thing for the writing to suck and the booking to suck, but at least let the people think that you want to be there.

I hope that this lack of creativity is Vince's way of somehow encouraging the guys and gals in the locker room to show their true passion to help create a great program and maybe somehow the cream will rise to the top.

As far as the Johnny Knockville segment... shame on the orchestrator of this and shame on Beth Phoenix! Yea i said it, did she even take the time to meet with him earlier? Did she insist that they go over this so he doesn't botch that one solitary spot? All he had to do was post! he had no clue what to do with his left hand, it was dangling on the outside of her thigh and I think he may have been grabbin for her ass, I didn't rewind to find out.

Knoxville being brought on tv to be beaten up isn't a bad thing, that's his claim to fame. He's popular and if any Jackass fans (which is quite a few , look at the box office sales from their movies) was flicking through the channels and saw him on there I'm sure they stopped. So in that instance it's a good thing.

Most of it went off without a serious hitch (botched body slam aside), Dick Johnson and Pontius don the whole "party boy" thing, my boy boogeyman made his tv return, why no pop for that? I'm just sayin!

srr said...

i liked most of raw especially batistas role as guest referee, yea its been done over and over but its always fun and punk went over so nothing wrong with that. but man he was really bad with that match with Shawn Michaels, serious mix up there not good.

and saying smarks are the only ones left is a big over statement, kinda dumb

Skitlez said...

This shit doesn't make sense. Ok, so Jericho tried walking away to get counted out and Batista wouldn't let him. So why not get back in the ring,let CM Punk pin you, and then you are free of damage for the ppv. Why wrestle the match? It wasn't for the strap or anything. Not good logic by the writers.

Anonymous said...

Randy Orton cut a promo saying "don't vote for me as a special ref 'cuz I don't want tp be put in harm's way if I have nothing to gain"... and then in the next segment, he comes to the ring as a lumberjack!!!

Where's the god damned logic? Even from segment to segment, Raw makes no sense.

Anonymous said...

GarriLance Cade has been wished the best in his future endeavors! Can Jericho topple Batista without him?

Mr. Del Negro said...

"Hi, my name's Dolph Zigler. You know the guy that got suspended."

D.J.B. said...

You guys have got it all wrong. Dan isn't a millionaire rapper he should be, and we should be getting paid. He just ruined his chances of having big money when he decided it would be better to have custom made platforms so he could reach the mic on stage instead of having someone of a normal height lower it for him. Talent wise, he's there. Heightwise it's costing him hundreds of thousands.