Tha Raw Report: Something's Wrong Here

Like most people, I have a select few vices in life. One of those vices is that I love watching wrestling. Be it on the independent circuit or professional, wrestling is to me what whiskey is to an alcoholic. Maybe sometimes it leads me to be a little critical in what I say, and make comments that border on being over the line, but that's the way it is with anyone's vice. You love it, you're going to defend it.

That being said, there is a distinct possibility that something may be amiss when the heart of someone like that is no longer into faithfully reporting on a show. And something is definitley wrong when it's so bad, that two wrestling junkies are turned off by it within a span of several months (after all, I only got this gig after Dan couldn't stomach "Raw" any more).

Let me make something clear. That is not to say that I am jumping ship as it comes to covering Tha Raw Report. Donnie and Dan have made it clear in the past that they are very appreciative for what the writers do for their site, so I'm not about to kayfabe them. This is also not my way of saying that I no longer wish to cover "Raw", please don't interpret it as that. What I'm getting at, though, is that "Raw" is getting progressively about as painful as putting an pickaxe into your temple. Forget about looking at subtle nuances in the booking in order to criticize; this shit is just plain top-to-bottom bad.

I will start off on a positive note though. Randy Orton's promo was solid. He has grown by remarkable leaps and bounds over the past year, and he has earned the spot that he has. Not to mention, John Cena came out but didn't say anything. It may have been the best promo of his career; yes, maybe even better than his promos circa 2003 (you know, back when he had charisma).

Victoria, one of only a handful of women in WWE who know how to work, was featured alongside Beth Phoenix in a match last night. Normally, I'd be happy and think this was a sign that maybe she's being integrated back into the Women's Championship picture. Alas, this is not the case. Instead, she's feuding with Kelly Kelly. I realize that when PWI gives out their wrestler awards each year, that "Most Misused/Underused Talent" generally goes to a guy, but at this rate, I'd love to nominate Victoria. She must've really pissed off somebody in the back.

We had a Super Crazy sighting this week, as he jobbed to Kennedy. Not really much I can say about this match, it wasn't terribly long and was really only a springboard for the Kennedy/Flair match at No Way Out. I do like how WWE is actually playing up that Kennedy has paid attention to the fact that working on Flair's legs is the best strategy to beat him. Maybe that's an obvious statement, but it's still better than hearing about Undertaker's mysterious triangle choke, which nobody there seems to have a fucking clue about. It's all about consistency, people.

Santino is funny as hell. I'm not sure how it happens that he takes insults that normally would be viewed as unfunny if said by anyone else, and can make them side-splittingly funny, but I suppose that's the magic of that "it" factor. Team Whitey vs. Team O, it's on! Poor Theater Fags and Rednecks though. They both jobbed, and what the hell was with the entrance attire for Cade and Murdoch? It looked like the guys from "Queer Eye" raided Ric Flair's closet. By the way, for those of you who missed it, the line was, to Hardcore Holly-"You look like you belong in 'Balding Tough Guy With Little Friend Whose Name Sounds Like A Girl's' Magazine!"

I honestly can't forsee Snitsky having a job much longer with WWE in HD. I don't even have HD, and I could see him clearly screw up spot after spot. Most notable was when he missed a big boot and straddled the top rope. It was very clear that he gently went to straddle it. Mind you, not that I'm saying I demand that he go and give his junk a rope burn (although somebody that ugly probably won't get much use of them anyway), but when it's that obvious even with the motion blur of non-HDTV, it's bad.

The "Kiss My Ass Club" has jumped the shark. Sure, it's fun to mimic the lines that McMahon said the night that it was created (There's not one blemish on my ass, in case you were wondering), but does this gimmick even need to be around anymore? What's more, it's being used to facilitate his angle with Hornswoggle, which is altogether a bad storyline. To be clear, a good storyline is one that has you saying "I wonder what happens next?", like when Frank realizes that he left his wallet at home when he went to go take the hooker to a hotel. This storyline, however, has me saying "Can we please just get to the part where Finlay is a world champion?" In otherwords, instead of wanting to see this storyline continue, I want to see it end, which means that it has failed as a whole.

The "main event" of the night (*snicker*) featured John Cena vs. Mark Henry in an arm wrestling match. Arm wrestling matches may be the lamest cliche in all of wrestling, and I certainly am not going to be rapt in anticipation at the idea of seeing Mark Henry or John Cena on my television screen any more than absolutely necessary. The ending image of "Raw" should be one that leaves viewers intrigued, and anticipating next week's show. Nothing about watching John Cena FU Mark Henry makes me want to watch next week.

Tha results:
*Mickie James & Kelly Kelly def. Beth Phoenix & Victoria
*Mr. Kennedy def. Super Crazy
*Carlito & Santino Marella def. Theater Fags (Paul London & Brian Kendrick)
*Team Whitey (Harcore Holly & Cody Rhodes) def. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch
*Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho & Shawn Michaels def. Umaga, JBL and Snitsky
*John Cena vs. Mark Henry arm wrestling match (no contest)

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