Dear Layla...

Dear Layla,

God, you're fine. I mean damn, you're one of the sexiest things I've ever seen on television ever. Seriously, you're giving my girl, Kristal over on "SmackDown!", a run for her money. You're so dope, you're actually making me risk serious ridicule for dedicating an entire "O" Show article to you baby. Do you understand what this means?

You're actually so gorgeous and sexy, I don't want you to win the 2006 WWE Diva Search this Wednesday. Yep, I said it. I hope you're NOT chosen as the winner!

You see, this would allow for you to free up your time and come to Toronto to begin carrying my child. Forget the quarter million dollars girl, it's time you become the new Mrs. Faraldo! It's true. I love you, Layla.

You're so unbelievably beautiful that you're making me neglect the fact that SummerSlam, WWE's second biggest pay-per-view of the year is this Sunday. I'm not even going to mention how much I'm looking forward to the "I Quit" match between Ric Flair and Mick Foley. I've been writing in recent weeks that these two superstars are among the best ever at cutting promos - one of the main components to creating excitement over an impending match.

As well, it only heightens my eagerness that there is legitimate heat between these two competitors as has been outlined in their promos and literary works. Considering that this is an "I Quit" match and the fact that, as Foley mentioned on "Raw", Flair is an 'easy bleeder', I expect a lot of gruesome O's to transpire in this bout. It's always dope when there's a long build-up to a match - giving it greater importance than most others - as this isn't done a whole lot anymore. Flair have Foley have been able to accomplish this brillantly over the past couple of months. The match should be sick.

But like I said, I'm not even gonna mention that.

You proved how amazing you are last week on "SmackDown!". The other moronic Divas tried to display their 'athletic' prowess and even poetry(!) skills during the 'talent' competition. How wack.

You, however, know that generally, when it comes to WWE Divas, the WWE audience wants to see nothing but tits and ass. Period. And that's what you gave us baby. You can really shake that thang! Your time as a dancer for the Miami Heat has definitely come in handy. You're as hot as they come sweetheart.

I'm so taken by you, I'm not even gonna bother mentioning that not since Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero have I been more happy about the current Championship situation. Edge and Booker T, excuse me, KIIIIIIIIINNGGG BOOOOOOKKERRRRR, are among my favourites in the "E" and have been for a while now. They deserve the titles that are currently around their waists.

Once a silent mid-carder, my fellow Torontonian, Edge is a thousand times more entertaining (and technically sound in the ring) than John Cena. Why the fans (a good amount of them anyway) still cheer Cena, I have no idea. His promo last week on "Raw" was nowhere near funny. His incessant use of lame-ass moves like the "5 knuckle shuffle" is insulting.

Edge, on the other hand, can hold a mic and your attention at the same time - something that SHOULD come natural to a pro wrestler. The 'home invasion' angle this week on "Raw" was reminiscent of Stone Cold Steve Austin trying to break into Brian Pillman's crib to open up a can of whoop-ass years ago.

It might not have been the most 'realistic' angle in the world (remember the gun Pillman was holding? - you probably didn't watch wrestling then) but it created some wicked hype during their rivalry. Now Edge's 'invasion' of John Cena's dad's house may not have necessarily been his idea...but Adam Copeland's ability to push his 'evil' persona in the ring during the early stages of "Raw" this week, sets him apart from the average Superstar. It definitely makes him better to watch than John Cena. Where's Edge's movie??

King Booker is an awesome champ as well. I've been saying for weeks - months actually - that he is the best character on "SmackDown!". JBL said it last week...he's not only the best competitor on the show, but the best announcer as well. Always witty, humorous and able to play his 'royal' character to a tee, Booker is the man. How is it that WWE is able to still convince the sheep-like viewers of their product to cheer for a non-interesting muscle-head like Batista? He truly is a peasant.

Although it isn't likely, I hope both champs maintain their championship status when SummerSlam is done this Sunday. But, like I said, I'm not even going into it. Lately, I've only been able to think of you.

I'm so enamoured by you, I won't even mention Hulk Hogan's return to the ring this Sunday. It's no secret I've been a Hogan mark since I was a child. (Do you know who Hulk Hogan is?). Not that I think he should even be in the ring anymore, but Randy Orton is just a half-step more impressive than Batista and John Cena. Between the three of them, Orton is probably the best on the mic and in the ring! And that's not saying much. The Legend Killer push given Orton by WWE over the past several years still hasn't put him over, in my mind.

While guys like Johnny Nitro are performing corkscrew moonsaults (and don't even get me started about the stupidly under-used talent in ECW and the amazing feats they can perform), Orton continues to get main event status with his moveless arsenal. I hope he loses to a legdrop at SummerSlam, like Shawn Michaels did last year. As well, The Hulkster has never lost at SummerSlam...he's The Undertaker of this event. (Did you know The Undertaker has never lost at WrestleMania? Do you know what WrestleMania is?).

I don't mean to be sarcastic baby. It's just that its common knowledge that most Diva wannabes are not exactly professional wrestling know-it-alls. The job of a WWE Diva is to be straight up sexy. And that you are, Layla. So on the real, I definitely hope you DO win the 2006 WWE Diva search. I've been voting ONLY for you, trust me. I honestly think it's a lock.

But just in case...the invitation to the T-dot (and my bedroom) will always be open.

Sincerely,

Dan-e-o

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