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Ian Clark's Raw Recap

Match One: King of the Ring Qualifier: Sheamus vs. R-Truth

Punk says that Eve Torres looks like she's having an epileptic fit. Truer words were ne'er spoken. Lockup, Sheamus backs Truth into the corner, Truth shoves him, Sheamus elbows him in response and hits a snapmare. Headlock, keeps it on, Truth gets up, Sheamus keeps the hold on and grounds him once again. Sheamus toggles between a front facelock and side headlock, trading punches. Truth whip, reversed, Truth floats over, dodges a clothesline, Sheamus flips out and exits the ring as the show goes to commercial.

Show comes back on with Truth in a headlock, Sheamus transitions to an armbar. Truth punches his way out, off the ropes, Sheamus rolls him over his knee and pins him for two. Sheamus goes for a keylock, transitions to a hammerlock, excellent display from Sheamus in this match. Truth tries to escape, Sheamus hits an arm breaker and covers for two. Another keylock by Sheamus, Eve actually looks vaguely greenish on the outside. Truth escapes with a jawbreaker, Sheamus charges in the corner, Truth dodges, punches, again, boot, punch, another, boot, off the ropes, clothesline, another, a third, charges, Sheamus hits him with an elbow, charges himself, Truth responds with an arm drag and a two-count. Sheamus with a boot to the gut, goes for a powerslam, Truth slides off and kicks him into the corner. Truth goes up top, hits a missile dropkick and covers for two. Truth off the ropes, goes for a rollup, Sheamus counters into one of his own for two. Sheamus hits a bicycle kick. He goes to finish with a High Cross, connects, three-count.

Winner: Sheamus

They hype the John Cena experience DVD, then show a clip of it.

Backstage, Laycool bitch about losing the title before the security guard tells them they're not allowed in the Raw Superstars entrance. Laycool start to throw a shit fit before Natalya shows up. Security guard asks if she knows them, she responds that she's never seen them before in her life.

Santino's backstage bemoaning the fact that they didn't win the tag titles, Kozlov tells him that they'll get it done next time. Tamina plays Santino a song on the ukelele and they kiss. Huh...

Josh Matthews asks Randy Orton if he thinks he can win again against Barrett. Orton says that John Cena did the right thing and called the match down the middle, and that he respects Cena but it doesn't matter who the referee is, Wade Barrett isn't leaving with the WWE Title.

The Slam of the Night is Ezekiel Jackson. Just Ezekiel Jackson.

Match Two: King of the Ring Qualifier: Ezekiel Jackson vs. The Miz

Jackson comes to the ring first before Alex Riley comes out and says that Miz had an anxiety attack, so he's substituting for him.

Match Two: King of the Ring Qualifier: Ezekiel Jackson vs. Alex Riley

Riley with a waistlock, reversed, Riley grabs the ropes, punches Jackson a few times, goes for a whip, Jackson with a boot, whip into the corner of his own, charges, dodged, Riley with a Stinger Splash. Riley with a frontfalling DDT and a cover for two. Headlock, Jackson tosses him off, grabs him by the throat, uses it as a whip, clothesline, another, one in the corner, uranage, three-count.

Winner: Ezekiel Jackson

I'm digging Ezekiel Jackson as a face, I'd just like to see a little more of the old Intellectual Asskicking Jackson and a little less Terry Crews. John Cena is backstage saying his goodbyes.

John Cena's Farewell Address

Cena makes his way to the ring one "last" time and takes a mic.

"See, if you're gonna go out, that's how you go out, not in a referee's shirt, not carrying someone's bags, if I'm leaving I'm leaving just like this! Just in case you've been locked in Sports Entertainment Solitary Confinement, Randy Orton is still WWE Champion. That means I'm fired. A... a decision that was probable but I'll be honest, I didn't think it would happen. You know what, forget about it, before I got this job I was living in my car, cleaning toilets, I didn't think any of this would happen. Over the years, you guys have gotten to know me, but here's the deal, you only see what you see on TV. Uh... there's a lot about me, a lot about everyone else you don't know, but I've got a few seconds, so I'll tell you this one thing: You guys have no idea how much I respect this company. Not just this company today, but every single person who's allowed me to be here today. Guys like Steve Austin, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker. When I got here, championships were one thing but my goal was to be able to look each and every one of those guys in the eye and for them to say, 'Kid, you're alright.' I'm out here today with a smile on my face and I know some of you guys think I may have got a bad deal out of this. It's actually been pretty wonderful. I've gotten to dance in the ring with hall of famers, I've gotten to meet millions of people around the world, I've gotten to live out a fantasy.

So I'm not going to let Nexus ruin what has been the greatest nine years of my life. One thing you guys might not know is that life moves pretty fast here in the WWE. When I first started, WWE was a very big part of my life, but then WWE became my life. It was my choice, I wanted to give everything I had to each and every one of you every time I stepped through these ropes. It took sacrifice, my family has been so patient with me, they, uh, they've kind of stepped back and let me be me, but here's the truth, my brother Matt, he just had a baby girl and I missed it, my mom's birthday's in a couple days, I'm gonna leave here tonight and I'm going to West Newbury and Matt I'm sorry that I missed Shelby being born, I heard she's big, nine pounds seven ounces, but I'm looking forward to seeing for myself and my mom's going to get the best birthday present she's had in ten years, because I'm gonna be there and I'm gonna hug her and tell her I love her and all the money in the world can't buy her that. (Cena's legitimately tearing up at this point) You guys are being nice, I look like an idiot up here. You know what, forget it, if I look like an idiot up here I look like an idiot. One thing I've always loved about you guys is that you're honest, and so I want one last time to hear half the crowd chant "Let's go Cena" and half the crowd to chant... you know what, if we're going to do this we have to do it right, all the women and children chant "Let's Go Cena" and all the men over the age of 18 chant "Cena sucks!" Come on, who do you think can be louder."

The "Cena sucks" chants are louder than usual (almost like half the guys were chanting for Cena the whole time anyway... I MEAN DISREGARD THAT EVERYONE HATES CENA).

"That... that is beautiful, thank you very much. Remember everybody out there, it's your passion that keeps us all coming back, and I know that every time I heard that I earned it, no matter what the chant. Now before I go I just want to say one thing to Wade Barrett. (Boos from the crowd) I know, but here's the thing, I actually think the kid has a little bit of talent and I'm trying to help him out before I leave. You see, Wade, do yourself a favour, take a bit of advice from a grizzled, disgruntled employee who wears purple and may have accidentally peed in your coffee a few times. Stop taking short cuts. Stop taking the easy way out, because these people will give you everything if you earn it. Success in this business is based on consistent performance. They're probably going to fine me but whatever, I'm already fired, Wade, Karma is a bitch. And if you keep taking shortcuts, trust me it's gonna come back to haunt you. Billy Kidman's probably ready to strangle himself because I'm way over the time limit, I could go all night with the thank-yous, so I'm going to keep it to one important thank you: The WWE Universe. Thank you for giving me the best nine years of my life, thank you for standing up for WWE, thank you for watching every Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, whenever the hell we're on, thank you for letting idiots like me have some fun. I love you to death, let's go home."

Cena leaves the ring and stops one last time to salute the fans. They cut to crowd reactions for a few minutes, some teary-eyed reactions, some completely disengaged banter, one kid who perks up as soon as he realizes he's on TV. Backstage, the entire roster applauds Cena, Cena shakes Randy Orton's hand and Wade Barrett waves "You Can't See Me" in disgust as Cena leaves the arena.

Match Three: King of the Ring Qualifier: WWE United States Champion Bryan Danielson vs. Ted Dibiase

Brie Bela rushes down the ramp to accompany Danielson to the ring.

Dibiase takes Danielson down with punches, stomps, whip, toss up in the air (really, just a toss), two-count, slingshot suplex for two, waistlock, Danielson with elbows, Dibiase with a punch, charges, Danielson dodges, hits a dropkick, Dibiase hits a spinebuster, covers for two in the most awkward cover ever. Danielson goes for the Labelle Lock, locks it in anticlimactically, Dibiase taps.

Winner: Bryan Danielson

Brie comes in to congratulate him, Nikki joins her, Danielson pushes them gently toward each other then backs off. I get that they're trying to portray him as uninterested, but all I can think is "It looks like he's waiting for them to make out."

Match Four: Natalya vs. Alicia Fox

Natalya with a waistlock, Fox holds the ropes, Natalya rolls off and kips up, hits a monkey flip, Fox nails a hair throw, stands on her hair, stomps her hands, pulls out a lock of her hair, Natalya goes for a headlock, beats the shit out of her in general, hits a squatting delayed vertical, covers for one. Goes for the Sharpshooter, Fox goes for the ropes, Natalya goes for a bear hug, Fox into a rollup for two. Natalya reveals her devious plan and locks in the Sharpshooter on the now-in-the-centre-of-the-ring Alicia Fox. Fox taps and Natalya releases the hold instantly.

Winner: Natalya Neidhart

Melina and John Morrison are backstage, apparently they've reunited. Anyway, Morrison's in the last qualifier of the night next.

The other Slam of the Night is the Hart Dynasty imploding.

Match Five: King of the Ring Qualifier: John Morrison vs. Tyson Kidd

Kidd comes out to the most generic theme music ever, bar none. Lockup, Morrison pushes him into the corner, Kidd with kicks, slams his head into the corner, boots in the corner, slams his head into the apron, punch, two-count, chinlock, Morrison elbows his way out, hits a superkick, Cole calls it "one of those Parkour moves". Shut the fuck up. Punk calls him on it, Morrison with a few more kicks and a two-count, whip, Kidd to the outside, Morrison tries to bring him in, gets kicked, Kidd with a swinging neckbreaker for two. Kidd takes him to the corner and punches him, following it up with a foot choke, whip, Morrison with an elbow, Morrison goes for a Flash Kick, Kidd tries for a neckbreaker on the second rope, Morrison shoves him off, jumps to the adjacent second rope and hits the Flash Kick, following it up with Starship Pain for the three-count.

Winner: John Morrison

After a quick commercial, they immediately transition to the main event. Nexus ambush Randy Orton during the entrances and a legion of referees swarm in to take them away. Husky Harris breaks through the ranks and blasts him in the knee. The show goes to commercial on this note.

Main Event: WWE Championship: Randy Orton (c) vs. Wade Barrett

The show comes back on the air with no match underway. Barrett makes his way to the ring, alone. Nexus have apparently been banned from ringside. Orton's music hits, and eventually Orton limps his way to the ring. Introductions are in order and the match is on. Barrett with a boot to the gut, Orton with punches, Barrett kicks the injured knee, then again, then several more times in the ropes, then twisting the leg up in the ropes, then attacking it one more time, charging in the corner. Slamming the knee against the ring apron several times, two-count, stomps to the knee, one to the ankle, more to the knee, lifts the knee up and drops it, two-count. Barrett with a twisting submission to the knee, Orton gets out the Red Forman way (boot to the ass) and Barrett hits the turnbuckle. Orton with an Orton Backbreaker, Barrett with repeated shots to the knee, goes for Wasteland, John Cena interrupts the count, hits the FU and bombards Barrett with punches. Nexus chase Cena out of the ring, the referee slowly makes his way back into the ring as both men make it to their feet. Barrett plods forward with determination directly into an RKO! Cover, one, two, three!

Winner and still WWE Champion: Randy Orton

Miz cashes in!

Match Seven: WWE Championship: Randy Orton (c) vs. The Miz

Holy shit! Bell rings, Miz goes for the knee, Orton with punches, break. Repeat. Orton seethes with rage, Miz boots him in the knee, then again, dropping elbows to the knee. Miz wraps Orton's knee around the steel post. Then again. Punch, Orton shoves him off and he goes into the barricade. Orton with a clothesline, Miz tries to go for the SCF, Orton blocks it, hits an uppercut, goes for a Rope Assist DDT, Miz hits him in the knee, charges, Orton with a scoopslam. Orton coils for the RKO, blocked into the Skull-Crushing Finale FOR THE THREE-COUNT!

Winner and NEW WWE CHAMPION: The Miz

Holy shit... I really didn't expect this when I started to type out this recap tonight... I'm not sure what to make of this, but I guess we'll find out. Miz celebrates as the show goes off the air.

8 comments: on "Ian Clark's Raw Recap"

Anonymous said...

Anticipating a historic Donnie rant on the Miz.

Duncan said...

I'm surprised there hasn't been an article posted on the site saying BDD had a fatal heart attack this Monday.

adam said...

A Big NO to this, I was really hoping the Miz would not win the title, just seems like the perfect time to not have someone cash in.

I was hoping that the Miz would run at Orton, who would duck him, spin around land a RKO and pin him.

Every MITB winner can not win, its too predictable now, next time someone wins MITB, we know that eventually he will be the champ.

Anonymous said...

O's & No's Is going to be Insane Tomorrow...I Dare Say It'll Be On Black Prophet Levels!!!!

Anonymous said...

Although BDD might abhor this idea, there might be a way to work an interesting story line with The Miz and Nexus. David "google me" Otunga was The Miz's boy before Alex "DUI" Riley. What if Miz defends the WWE title against Barrett and the Nexus comes down to interfere. Cena hops the rail to get a piece of the Nexus and Otunga uses this opportunity to sucker punch Barrett during the confusion. Then the Miz could have a faction, Team Red Carpet, none of whom can wrestle but they would get a lot of publicity for the WWE.

Some Jerk said...

I think Miz should have lost on his cash in and won the title on his own months later so he could brag how he didn't need the briefcase to do it. It would have been bigger. Oh well.

kathy said...

Horribly disappointed that Miz won the tittle, he is so not interesting enough to keep me watching/caring.

on the other hand, i'm glad it didn't all happen at the PPV it would have been too much, to predictable and would have ruined my ppv experience

Cj said...

Ok, do you guys really know why the miz won the title?? Because everyone and there mama said he wasn't gonna win it, its called a swerve. If everyone wasnt on blogs saying he was gonna be the first one to not have a successfully cash in and win the title, im pretty sure he wouldn't have. I agree with "some jerk" tho, he should have lost that match in like 15 seconds (run at orton, he ducks, RKO, match over) and then he wins it in a few weeks/months, and he said he didn't even need the case to win the title. Makes miz look more important. But miz us one of my favs, so I'm not mad he is the champ, he works hard, he deserves it.....