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CM Punk Must Go

Holy crotch-rotting cunt stain! You know, you have your Don Wests and then you have your Tazz's. And yes, many times on "Tha O Show" radio program, your bro Dan-e-o and Big Daddy Donnie have taken their shots at the self-proclaimed "Voice of the WWE" Michael Cole for his version of commentary cockary.

But ironically, on the night a new "King of the Ring" was to be crowned (I haven't even seen the whole tournament as I write this), there is a new undisputed king of crap on the microphone! One CM Punk.

What the fuck is wrong with this dude??? Not only does he show up with the nerdiest, no pussy-gettingest haircut of all time, but just a mere two weeks as co-commentator on "Raw", CM Punk has somehow managed to earn his spot as worst fuckin' mouthpiece in WWE announce table history!

In the opening segment of "Raw", even Alex Riley, of all people, had to comment on the "God awful" travesty that was CM Punk's announce table debut from the week before.

Holy cunt, is he bad!! Now with Big Daddy Donnie on a "Raw"-watching boycott due to The Miz's championship reign, I thought it prudent to perhaps pay a little added attention to the show this week. It's no secret to Tha Nation of O that I have been watching "Raw" on a DVR-induced fast-forward peek for the past several years.

I think, however, after subjecting my intelligence (which I'm convinced I have less of now) to such inane drivel spewing from the mouth of Mr. Phillip Brooks, that I think I might have to join Donnie in his leave of absence of "Raw"...until Punk relinquishes his new position.

Seriously, CM Punk perhaps you should START taking drugs, 'cause you're already fucked as it is! Never in the history of shitocity has a muhfuggah struggled so badly, in the commentary position, to come up with something moderarely witty and relevant to say about the in-ring proceedings as CM Punk did last night on "Raw".

Having been in the colour commentary position for indie DVD tapings before myself, I'm no stranger to the announce table. I will admit first-hand that it's not the easiest job in the world and every so often a mumble-mouthed folly will drop.

But CM Punk, ladies and gentlemen, has got some major problems! In the blink of an eye, he went from being one of the WWE's most talented heels on the mic with rich, heat-inducing promos as leader of the Straight Edge Society, to being the equivalent of Frank Fronte in a Skeef Getting Contest in the commentary position.

You know, I WAS planning on introducing a new sub-segment to this week's edition of "Tha Os And NOs" entitled "C.I.F.I.". The theme music would have started off in classic fashion only to have ended abruptly with me yelling "CM Punk Is a FUCKIN' IDIOT!!".

It couldn't wait. So after (only God knows how long), your bro Dan-e-o has returned to his blogging roots to ridicule and rip apart the new master of mental retardation...CM Punk.

You know, before now, I never had a problem with the guy. But how can you not when during the entire "Raw" broadcast, he literally had nothing of any substance, intelligence or wit to add? Then, to cap it off, when Alberto Del Rio squared off against John Morrison in the semi-finals for the crown, the following happened...

In the middle of a rant lambasting Michael Cole for never having stepped into the ring, CM Punk insisted that his expertise as an in-ring performer would highlight the great benefits to the "Raw" audience of having him in the commentary position. He cited Del Rio's use of an armbar as something that he, and only he, could explain to the audience about why such a move hurt.

To this, Cole asked Punk to offer his perspective on why Del Rio would make a good "King of the Ring". It was blatantly evident that the whole exchange was off the cuff. Here's the best the aptly-named Punk could do:

Punk: "He'd make a great king, he wears gold, he looks great in it right now, and he would look awesome in a cape and a sash."

Cole: "What about John Morrison?"

Punk: "Well John Morrison has...look at him, he has bedazzled trunks...uh tights. Actually, you know what? I don't think John Morrison would make a good king at all".

In this small exchange, Punk proved he has no place in the commentary position. Firstly, as we mentioned on last week's show, he still hasn't figured out if he's a face or a heel. Evidently, he hasn't either!

Apparently forgetting that he's 1) supposed to actually be doing his job and 2) supposed to be a bad guy, the dude offers an intensely faggocious, Pretty Ricky-esque critique of Morrison's tights. What kinda dude even thinks of the word "bedazzled"?

Furthermore, and more importantly, Punk was so fixated on making a comment about both competitors' ring gear, that he completely abandoned his "I'm a wrestler so I can offer in-depth analysis of moves" comment he made from just a few seconds earlier. Friggin' moron.

He wasn't done there though O-sters. The match ends with a Morrison victory thanks to a Rey Mysterio distraction of a horn honk from Del Rio's off-in-the-distance car. Commenting on Mysterio's absence in the KOTR tournament thanks to Del Rio, Punk offers up a hell of a summary about Mysterio's act of revenge by saying:

"You know what they say. Payback is a...something."

Cole makes his best attempt to divert the audience's attention from Punk's verbal abortion. But no, the monkey-ass cunthead continues during a replay of Rey Mysterio laughing it up through the moonroof of Del Rio's car. This time, Cole couldn't help but call him out on his buffoonery.

Punk: "Look at this right here, this guy has no business trying to steal the man's car!"

Cole: "How do you know he was trying to steal his car?!"

Punk: "Because he's Rey Mysterio!"

Cole (dumbfounded): "AND??!"

Punk: "And that's what he does. He's a car thief...on the side."

Cole, again attempts to move on to something with a measure of intelligence.

And Punk does his best to work damage control on his obvious misuse of the microphone.

"He stole my car twice".

Yep, that made me believe Rey's a tief. It also made me beleive that you just might be the worst commentator in history in just two short weeks in the position! You are awful Punk. Truly awful. Please, PLEASE get away from the announce table! My ears hate you.

Where's Mike Adamle when you need him?!

NOTE: This is where this article originally ended. After taking the show off of pause to get my disgust off my chest, Punk proved he wasn't done. Some excerpts from the Divas six-man tag match, during which Punk continually refers to Maryse as "Maurice":

Punk: "These girls fight with a passion that I cannot possibly describe. It's like...women. Women fight dirty."

Cole: "They ARE women, Punk."

Punk: "I know. They are Divas."

I couldn't make this up, y'all.

And THEN, during the KOTR finals between Sheamus and John Morrison, Morrison gets thrown into the barricade further "injuring" his shoulder.

Punk has this to offer: "Let me tell ya ladies and germs, that hurts. Alright. Your shoulder, your shoulder...I's, it's such a...such..."

Cole: "Another stellar comment from CM Punk."

Seriously, this had me just cracking up.

Party not done yet. Seriously, the shit never ends!

As the WWE Championship match between Jerry "The King" Lawler and The Miz is set to kick off, Punk insists on making a strong and articulate case that The Miz is not on Lawler's level...

Punk: "Cole, Cole, Cole, you need to shut up okay. That man (Lawler) is a legend. Miz, that man right there, sure he might be a legend. But right now Jerry 'The King' Lawler is a legend. He's got as 'nuff a chance as Miz does...(long pause) walking outta here the WWE Championship."

I'm not kidding.

17 comments: on "CM Punk Must Go"

Dante Ross said...

You're making me wanna watch just for the comedy alone! This was a funny ass article, dude. Pretty Ricky says "Heeey..." by the way.

Evitman said...

Seriously, you complained about this? You didn't complain about the Blackout? You didn't feel the fact that the pasty white man is now the King? That he took out two brothers out to get it? That Ezekiel was counted out because they couldn't have him in the ring with White Fury for fear the he would look small?

No, instead you need to tell the world how bad a person that is only going to be there for a few months at the most is.

I am Asian and I am asking for your black card.

Hipnosis said...

I love Punk I hope he stays on commentary lol "He stole my car twice".

Anonymous said...

Usually whoever is next to Cole is correcting him but Cole spent all night correcting Punk.

The gayest one was "that's why im the wrestler Cole"

"You're not a wrestler you're a superstar"

followed by long uneasy pause.

I hate Cole for saying it and I hate even more that he is right.

Anonymous said...

He was wearing a Colt Cabana T-Shirt, can't hate on that though. He was funny during some parts though.

Anonymous said...

You have to like that he's standing up for his boy who's not in company by wearin his shirt. But i'm sure management didnt see that or they would have stopped him

he also used the Rio De Janero line about winning KOTR and pat patterson and thats such an insider thing.

Evitman said...

I know CM Punk did a lot of funny stuff and he is supporting his boy, but why shouldn't he? At least he hasn't forgotten where he is from. And if you go to a place of work, and they won't let you do your best move because it makes the boss look like shit and make you do a move you can barely do, fuck them.

Dan-e-o said...

Yeah, I'm complaining about it. It was distracting.

Perhaps, I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone who has held the same position on a much smaller scale, but Punk as colour commentator is plain bad no matter how you look at it.

Even with the "inside" Pat Patterson references and the calling of actual move names (eg. Fujiwara armbar) a la Matt Striker, Punk is horrible at adding insightful dialogue of any kind.

He totally cannot think on his feet, and hurts an already not-so-good product.

I have no problem with Sheamus as king. If Del Rio was a "Raw" superstar, it would have made sense to give him the crown. His character totally suits the role.

Anonymous said...

From CM Punk's twitter:

"Wasn't happy with my performance tonight. I'll do better next week."

Atleast he's admitting he was bad but give it time, it was only his second week

Evitman said...

Hell everybody knows you want the spot. He isn't great as others, but he really isn't TaZ.

In reality did anybody really think they were going to put a Smackdown wrestler as King on a Raw show?

Evitman said...

you know what I thought was funny? Between Rey's car theft talk and Punk stopping himself from saying "Mexican" when he referenced the Spanish Announce Table, you think he might have no liked tan brothers as much as WWE hates black ones.

joe said...

I think tha o show might be the only one who has a problem with cm punk on the broadcast table. everywhere i go on the net, there are tons of story's about how the front office is loving the work of cm punk. it's kind of weird to read this article, then go to other sites and read the lovefest that's going on with cm punk

balmoraldrive said...

Dan, I have to totally disagree with you here. CM Punk has experience in colour commentary from back in his ROH days, and he's a lot better than he has shown so far.

His current injury (and probably the fact that he doesn't use drugs to rehab himself) has caused the decision to keep him visible to Fed audiences for a few months as he heals.

I blame Michael Cole, who's scripted to a tee and painful in ad lib situations. Also, Cole is working more to get his character over than he is at his actual role of lead announcer. Punk did have some slightly funny and even smark-friendly stuff to say at times, but Cole was constantly no selling him and leaving him dangling.

The reason he sticks out like a sore thumb right now is because he's trying to be a WRESTLING colour commentator. It was nice to hear some holds being described.

You think Adamle would be an improvement? That guy could barely READ his lines, let alone say them.

With WWE announcing standards being at an all time low (Striker notwithstanding), let's relax on the hatred. Shit, the current champ is the fucking Miz who can't speak unless someone else wrote it down for him.

Even if Punk sucked at times at the announce table on Monday, he did so on his own merit. I'm waiting and seeing how he plays out.

But my suspicion is that he'll be used on the mic to slowly turn him face (which is why he's towing the line right now).

Anonymous said...

CM Punk is hilarious on commentary. Dan-e-o if you got personal issues with Punk, spell it out. Jealousy is a female trait.

Anonymous said...

I actually enjoyed some of the stuff CM Punk came up with, but I admit he did make himself sound a little unintelligent with some comments. I approve Punk doing improv commentary for a change. It just usually sounds so bland with Micheal Cole and sometimes King speaking as though they're announcing advertisements all episode. I'm interested in seeing what CM's Punk commentary adds to the show considering his time with ROH. That depends on if Vince allows him to speak how he wants.

Anonymous said...

This is possibly the most pathetic, bitchy blog I've seen in a long time. Seriously, Dan-e-o, it could not be any clearer that you obviously have some sort of heat with CM Punk. Either you're immensely jealous of him, or completely obsessed with him, and either way, it's sad.

You actually took the time to cuss and bitch and make up ridiculous words (Shitocity; muhfuggah). Please, learn how not to speak like a moron who tries so hard to appear super cool in an attempt to get people to like you and your awful posts. You managed to prove two things with this awful blog:

1. You are obsessed with CM Punk.

2. You are such an imbecile that you actually believe he's terrible in all these different ways.

Granted everyone's entitled to their opinion, but the way you presented this is as if this is all total fact. And that makes you look like an ignorant loser with a massive chip on your shoulder.

Do us all a favour and clean up your awful language, and maybe learn a thing or two about wrestling and the wrestling world before you go off on a mad one bitching about somebody who couldn't give a crap about your angsty teenage ranting and probably makes more money than you're even worth.

Yours so very sincerely,

A CM Punk/Wrestling Fan

Dan-e-o said...

Dear Anonymous Pussy,

Way to comment on a post from several months ago. It proves a couple of things about you.

1) You don't generally follow Tha O Show which is also clearly evidenced by you having a problem with the language used in the post. If the language offends you, this is not the website or radio show for you.

2) You're the one who is clearly "obsessed" with CM Punk as this old post so greatly offends you, you needed to comment on it months later...and sign off as an admitted "fan". A real fan knows when to critique someone's bad work.

I'm am neither obsessed with Punk nor do I have heat with him. As the post CLEARLY presented by citing example after example, Punk is a horrible commentator.

His work on the mic as a worker, however, is clearly better. He works well as a heel mouthpiece and leader of a faction.

Ask him to call the action or provide colour commentary and he becomes a retard. It's the simple truth which you're too blind to see (or perhaps too deaf to hear).

But hey, it's my website and I can divulge an opinion any muhfuggin' way I choose.

If you don't like it, then perhaps it's YOU who must go.

Thanks for your comment bitch.