Holy crotch-rotting cunt stain! You know, you have your Don Wests and then you have your Tazz's. And yes, many times on "Tha O Show" radio program, your bro Dan-e-o and Big Daddy Donnie have taken their shots at the self-proclaimed "Voice of the WWE" Michael Cole for his version of commentary cockary.
But ironically, on the night a new "King of the Ring" was to be crowned (I haven't even seen the whole tournament as I write this), there is a new undisputed king of crap on the microphone! One CM Punk.
What the fuck is wrong with this dude??? Not only does he show up with the nerdiest, no pussy-gettingest haircut of all time, but worse...in just a mere two weeks as co-commentator on "Raw", CM Punk has somehow managed to earn his spot as worst fuckin' mouthpiece in WWE announce table history!
In the opening segment of "Raw", even Alex Riley, of all people, had to comment on the "God awful" travesty that was CM Punk's announce table debut from the week before.
Holy cunt, is he bad!! Now with Big Daddy Donnie on a "Raw"-watching boycott due to The Miz's championship reign, I thought it prudent to perhaps pay a little added attention to the show this week. It's no secret to Tha Nation of O that I have been watching "Raw" on a DVR-induced fast-forward peek for the past several years.
I think, however, after subjecting my intelligence (which I'm convinced I have less of now) to such inane drivel spewing from the mouth of Mr. Phillip Brooks, that I think I might have to join Donnie in his leave of absence of "Raw"...until Punk relinquishes his new position.
Seriously, CM Punk perhaps you should START taking drugs, 'cause you're already fucked as it is! Never in the history of shitocity has a muhfuggah struggled so badly, in the commentary position, to come up with something moderarely witty and relevant to say about the in-ring proceedings as CM Punk did last night on "Raw".
Having been in the colour commentary position for indie DVD tapings before myself, I'm no stranger to the announce table. I will admit first-hand that it's not the easiest job in the world and every so often a mumble-mouthed folly will drop.
But CM Punk, ladies and gentlemen, has got some major problems! In the blink of an eye, he went from being one of the WWE's most talented heels on the mic with rich, heat-inducing promos as leader of the Straight Edge Society, to being the equivalent of Frank Fronte in a Skeef Getting Contest in the commentary position.
You know, I WAS planning on introducing a new sub-segment to this week's edition of "Tha Os And NOs" entitled "C.I.F.I.". The theme music would have started off in classic fashion only to have ended abruptly with me yelling "CM Punk Is a FUCKIN' IDIOT!!".
It couldn't wait. So after (only God knows how long), your bro Dan-e-o has returned to his blogging roots to ridicule and rip apart the new master of mental retardation...CM Punk.
You know, before now, I never had a problem with the guy. But how can you not when during the entire "Raw" broadcast, he literally had nothing of any substance, intelligence or wit to add? Then, to cap it off, when Alberto Del Rio squared off against John Morrison in the semi-finals for the crown, the following happened...
In the middle of a rant lambasting Michael Cole for never having stepped into the ring, CM Punk insisted that his expertise as an in-ring performer would highlight the great benefits to the "Raw" audience of having him in the commentary position. He cited Del Rio's use of an armbar as something that he, and only he, could explain to the audience about why such a move hurt.
To this, Cole asked Punk to offer his perspective on why Del Rio would make a good "King of the Ring". It was blatantly evident that the whole exchange was off the cuff. Here's the best the aptly-named Punk could do:
Punk: "He'd make a great king, he wears gold, he looks great in it right now, and he would look awesome in a cape and a sash."
Cole: "What about John Morrison?"
Punk: "Well John Morrison has...look at him, he has bedazzled trunks...uh tights. Actually, you know what? I don't think John Morrison would make a good king at all".
In this small exchange, Punk proved he has no place in the commentary position. Firstly, as we mentioned on last week's show, he still hasn't figured out if he's a face or a heel. Evidently, he hasn't either!
Apparently forgetting that he's 1) supposed to actually be doing his job and 2) supposed to be a bad guy, the dude offers an intensely faggocious, Pretty Ricky-esque critique of Morrison's tights. What kinda dude even thinks of the word "bedazzled"?
Furthermore, and more importantly, Punk was so fixated on making a comment about both competitors' ring gear, that he completely abandoned his "I'm a wrestler so I can offer in-depth analysis of moves" comment he made from just a few seconds earlier. Friggin' moron.
He wasn't done there though O-sters. The match ends with a Morrison victory thanks to a Rey Mysterio distraction of a horn honk from Del Rio's off-in-the-distance car. Commenting on Mysterio's absence in the KOTR tournament thanks to Del Rio, Punk offers up a hell of a summary about Mysterio's act of revenge by saying:
"You know what they say. Payback is a...something."
Cole makes his best attempt to divert the audience's attention from Punk's verbal abortion. But no, the monkey-ass cunthead continues during a replay of Rey Mysterio laughing it up through the moonroof of Del Rio's car. This time, Cole couldn't help but call him out on his buffoonery.
Punk: "Look at this right here, this guy has no business trying to steal the man's car!"
Cole: "How do you know he was trying to steal his car?!"
Punk: "Because he's Rey Mysterio!"
Cole (dumbfounded): "AND??!"
Punk: "And that's what he does. He's a car thief...on the side."
Cole, again attempts to move on to something with a measure of intelligence.
And Punk does his best to work damage control on his obvious misuse of the microphone.
"He stole my car twice".
Yep, that made me believe Rey's a tief. It also made me beleive that you just might be the worst commentator in history in just two short weeks in the position! You are awful Punk. Truly awful. Please, PLEASE get away from the announce table! My ears hate you.
Where's Mike Adamle when you need him?!
NOTE: This is where this article originally ended. After taking the show off of pause to get my disgust off my chest, Punk proved he wasn't done. Some excerpts from the Divas six-man tag match, during which Punk continually refers to Maryse as "Maurice":
Punk: "These girls fight with a passion that I cannot possibly describe. It's like...women. Women fight dirty."
Cole: "They ARE women, Punk."
Punk: "I know. They are Divas."
I couldn't make this up, y'all.
And THEN, during the KOTR finals between Sheamus and John Morrison, Morrison gets thrown into the barricade further "injuring" his shoulder.
Punk has this to offer: "Let me tell ya ladies and germs, that hurts. Alright. Your shoulder, your shoulder...I mean...it's, it's such a...such..."
Cole: "Another stellar comment from CM Punk."
Seriously, this had me just cracking up.
Party not done yet. Seriously, the shit never ends!
As the WWE Championship match between Jerry "The King" Lawler and The Miz is set to kick off, Punk insists on making a strong and articulate case that The Miz is not on Lawler's level...
Punk: "Cole, Cole, Cole, you need to shut up okay. That man (Lawler) is a legend. Miz, that man right there, sure he might be a legend. But right now Jerry 'The King' Lawler is a legend. He's got as 'nuff a chance as Miz does...(long pause)...as walking outta here the WWE Championship."
I'm not kidding.