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Ian Clark's Raw Recap

Raw opens with the token summary of last night's PPV, specifically focusing on the I Quit match. The opening graphics and pyro officially begin what looks to be a memorable episode of Raw, including the announcement of a new General Manager. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Animal, Batista!"

Batista walks out, aided by two referees, limping and with his arm in a sling. He gets into the ring, slinks into a wheelchair, takes a mic and demands a spotlight.

"I said it, I said it. Last night, Batista said two words that I never thought would come out of my mouth, I quit. But I said it because my life was being threatened. So because of John Cena's malicious actions, I'm contemplating filing suit against John Cena. Also against the WWE and every fan in the WWE Universe for supporting what happened to me! That's not the way a championship match is supposed to happen. Duct tape, getting thrown off of cars. I could stoop to John Cena's low levels, but I believe in some thing called honour! Now, because of multiple injuries, I'm out for weeks, months, maybe years! Cheer now, 'cause I'll be back, healthier than ever, stronger than ever, because John Cena owes me a rematch! I'm entitled to a rematch!"

The announcer cuts him off and announces the new GM of Raw, BRET MOTHERFUCKING HART!

Hart comes out, still in his leather jacket, and without the United States Championship.

"There's a new sherrif in town! What I say goes! On June 20th, there's gonna be a new WWE Pay Per View concept called Fatal Four Way. Now if John Cena's going to be champion at the time, he's gonna take on three different challengers for the WWE title! You want a match with John Cena, you're going to have a chance to qualify right now."

"You not hear me? I'm in a wheelchair! I'm hurt!"

"I know you're hurt. So's your opponent. Randy Orton!"

"What is your malfunction! I'm hurt! I can't fight! You can't make me!"

"Take it, or forfeit! It's up to you."

"You don't have the authority. You make me and I'll quit! I'll quit this whole business!"

"Well then, your winner, by a forfeit, Randy Orton!"

Hart's music starts to play but Batista doesn't stop talking.

"Hey, get back here! You think I'm kidding? You think I won't quit? You're nothing without me! This place is nothing without me! You'll go bankrupt within a week! You'll all stop watching within a week! You pay to see me! You think I won't do it? I QUIT!"

Batista gets out of his chair and the officials help him to the back as the crowd lets loose with a rendition of "Na na hey hey kiss him goodbye". Justin Roberts comes on the loudspeaker. "Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Dave Batista!"

Match One: Fatal Four-Way Qualifier: Mark Henry vs. Sheamus

Lockup, Henry with a shoulder block, Sheamus regains control with strikes, Henry whips him, bodyslam, tosses him out of the ring. Henry goes to drag him back in, Sheamus drops down, although Henry takes control back in the ring until Sheamus hits a chop block and drops down. Sheamus with an armbar, hits two shoulder blocks without taking Henry down, then twists his arm in the ropes. Henry hits dual headbutts before Sheamus hits an armbreaker then goes back to his hold. Henry takes him down, then again, whip, Sheamus boots Henry, Henry responds with a body splash, then another for two. Goes to charge in the corner, he misses, Sheamus goes up top, Henry goes to slam him, Sheamus rolls off and hits the pump kick for the 3-count.

Winner: Sheamus

Sheamus celebrates and heads to the back without a fuss as the replays of the ending of the match play.

Later in the night, R-Truth will fight The Miz for the now-vacant US title.

Did you know that the Big show still produced the best of all the Did You Know segments?

Jon Lovitz is in the back talking to Mr. McMahon on the phone. Maryse says she has really hot photos that could win Jon Lovitz's talent contest, coming later tonight. Lovitz proposes teaching Maryse a secret hold if she shows him the pictures now. She says no, so he tells her he's the sexiest man on television in French, following it up with "And I have millions of dollars!" Maryse will have none of it, and scares Lovitz off.

Edge accosts Bret Hart and demands to be in the Fatal Four Way. Hart says no, Jericho makes the same claim. The result is that John Cena will face Chris Jericho and Edge in a triple threat. Whoever wins is in the match, bearing in mind that Cena's already in the match no matter what.

Slam of the Week is Eve retaining her Diva's Title.

Match Two: Maryse and Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim and Eve Torres

I've already heard from the chatroom that this match sucks horse testicles, but I promise to recap it to the best of my abilities nonetheless.

Kim and Fox to start, exchanging blows, Fox with a whip, Kim with a top rope headscissors and a kick in the corner. Sunset flip somehow results in Maryse coming in, two-count, Maryse with a black hole backbreaker, slapping Kim, Maryse swings for Eve, Eve gets her shot in first and tags in, kicks, neckbreaker, two-count. Moonsault, Fox breaks it up. Brawl erupts, Fox kicks Eve in the head, Maryse drops her for three.

Winners: Maryse and Alicia Fox

They replay the US title match from last week and the US Title match is coming up next.

Match Three: United States Championship: R-Truth vs. The Miz (Title Vacant)

Truth out with his usual crowd-interactive reference before we once again hear the sound of "AWESOMEEEEEEE!" Miz with a mic: "R-Truth you always ask what's up, I have an answer. I'm taking what never should've been taken from me in the first place, you understand what I'm saying? Because I'm the Miz, and I'm awesome!"

Lockup, Miz takes a cheap shot in the corner and nails R-Truth, whip, Truth ducks, dropkick, whip, reversed, Truth with a rollup, two-count, Miz leaves the ring, commercial.

Back on, Miz throws R-Truth into the apron... which of course means they're outside the ring. Miz boots Truth and climbs back in for two. Miz with what I think is a keylock. Truth elbows out, runs for the ropes, Miz grounds him and pins him for two. Miz slams his arm on the ground. Hammerlock aided by the ropes, Truth with a shot to the gut and launching comeback punches, Miz boots him in the shoulder. Drags him back up and sets him up in the corner in a tree of woe and boots him some more before elbowing him and going for what I think was the old Team Canada low blow move.

Truth tosses him off and covers for two. Both men to their knees, Truth launching chops, charges, blocked, Truth with a flapjack, then a missile dropkick for two. Truth to his feet first, punch reversed, Truth still eventually hits s reverse leg sweep for three. Heads up top, hits a crossbody, Miz rolls through for a near-fall. Mounting Truth now, Miz launches shots, then hits a reverse DDT neckbreaker, goes for a cricifix pin, reversed for two. Truth rolls him into a small package, two, misses a scissor kick, off the ropes, Lie Detector! Three-count!

Winner and new United States Champion: R-Truth

Truth dances with the belt and celebrates with the fans.

They then replay Batista quitting. John Cena heads into an interview with Josh Matthews. He says after Batista quit he finally felt good from the closure until he was blasted by Sheamus. He says that the hardest part of being the Champion is keeping it, but he chooses to fight. He says from now on, he's not accepting challenges, he's making them.

Jon Lovitz is out now for what I believe is his talent competition. He jokes about not being able to get in the ring before sitting down at a judges table with the Bella Twins.

"Hellooooo, Toledo! I'm Jon Lovitz, and right now we're going to do something very special. We're going to do a talent show with the WWE Superstars, trying to find their hidden talents, with my two advisors, the Bella Twins! I have more power than the announcers, than the referees, than Mr. McMahon! Right now, singing "Puttin' on the Ritz", The Great Khali and Ranjin Singh!"

The two of them come out and do the scene from Young Frankenstein before Lovitz buzzes them out of the ring. Lovitz says the worst thing he's ever seen in Show Biz was Rosie O'Donnell naked. Jillian Hall is up next, and she gets buzzed before she can begin. Lovitz says this is a big waste of time, and says that for real talent he should look to the audience. He jokes that he's not looking for "American Idol crap!" He finds a fan in a Santino Marella t-shirt named Joe, and he says his talent is pulling his own eye out of his skull. Turns out it's a glass eye as I almost shit my pants (I have an eyeball phobia). Ted Dibiase interrupts the proceedings and says he wants the eyeball. He asks how much, then says if he can't buy it, he'll take it, then repeats the offer. Santino Marella interjects himself into the fray.

"Hold up! What's wrong with you? First of all, I've been practicing Jon's fiber-pinch trick, and I've mastered it. So, if you don't stop bullying the cyclops boy, I'm going to use it on your man-servant Virgil!"

"Hold on, this hold is not a joke, it's a real thing."

Santino uses the hold on Virgil, who passes out. Dibiase hits Dream Street on him, and Lovitz announces he won the contest.

I just lost a lot of work so basically the Hart Dynasty beat Kozlov and Regal in a squash, but were then attacked by an unidentified Samoan tag team.

Josh Matthews interviews the four remaining NXT rookies and asks who is going to be eliminated next. Gabriel and Barrett say Slater, Slater says Otunga, and Otunga says Slater as well. Slater challenges Otunga to a match, but nothing happens. Cole says he can't wait, and King asks if he's even going to mention the confrontation with Daniel Bryan. They replay the confrontation. Cole claims he's meeting with his team of attourneys and if Bryan doesn't apologize, he's going to sue him.

Backstage, Jericho accosts Edge and claims that the match is basically a "Who can pin Cena" match. Edge says it'll be him, but hints maybe he won't even pin Cena at all, but pin Jericho.

Main Event: John Cena vs. Edge vs. Chris Jericho

Both men gang up on Cena, Jericho rolls him up, Cena responds with a clothesline, Edge on the offensive, Cena goes for the FU, Edge counters into the Edge-o-matic, which is in turn blocked as Edge is thrown out of the ring. Seconds later, Jericho joins him, commercial.

I've just been informed that the valet of the unidentified Samoan Tag Team is none other than Sarona Snuka.

Back on, the double teaming of Cena resumes, but he counters with clotheslines (okay, just one). Edge rolls up Jericho for two, charges Jericho, Jericho drops him over the top rope. Cena charges, drop toehold, Jericho with a foot choke in the corner. Jericho taunts him and stomps him, hitting s suplex for two. Jericho rolls Cena into a headlock. Cena sets up for the FU, Jericho reverses into what almost looks like a side DDT. Knocks Edge off the apron and resumes beating down Cena, whip into the corner, charges, Jericho eats ringpost.

Cena hits dual shoulder blocks and a protoplex, followed by the Five-Knuckle Shuffle. Goes for the FU, Edge charges, misses and spears Jericho, Cena with the STF, Jericho locks in the Walls, for a while both holds are on, Edge slinks out making it just the Walls, Jericho drops the hold and puts Edge in the Walls, Cena breaks it up, goes for the FU, Spear! All three men down, Edge eventually hooks a cover on Cena, Jericho breaks it up, goes for the Walls, Edge with a rollup for two, Jericho with an enziguri, Cena hits a clothesline on Jericho, Edge shoves Cena into Jericho, who hits a Codebreaker, Edge hits a spear on Jericho for three!

Winner: Edge

This makes the match Orton vs. Cena vs. Sheamus vs. Edge. Sheamus' music hits and he's out. Edge is caught halfway up the ramp and Randy Orton's music hits. Orton comes out looking shockingly good despite his injury and all four men stare each other down as the show ends.

1 comments: on "Ian Clark's Raw Recap"

TWK said...

Usually, I don't care for Khali, I actually believe he's useless, but that rendition of Puttin' on the Ritz had me in stitches.