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Ian Clark's Raw Recap

The show opens with a replay of the Cutting Edge last week. Looking back, damn did Wayne Brady sell that RKO like a pro. Raw opens officially with Randy Orton making his way to the ring. He takes his time as only he can before pausing in the dim spotlight.

"Edge, would you like to know why I didn't accept your offer last week? It's because I know you. You don't want to team with me, you want to keep me under control. You see me as a threat and you should."

Meatloaf comes out? Seriously, it's actually Meatloaf. "You da man! Randy Orton, you are the man! RANDY ORTON! They were gonna introduce me but I couldn't wait, I needed to see you. I've got a new song on this album that needs to be your theme song. And the reason is this: It was 1995, you were in St. Louis, and you know what you were doing? You wanna hear this song?"

"Why not, why don't you hum me a few bars?"

"I'm gonna do better than that, I'm gonna do the whole song for you!"

This kind of shitty, sappy song starts to play, Orton starts to walk away. Meatloaf starts singing another one. Orton stares daggers at him and looks at the crowd. I don't know if Meatloaf is serious or not, but he takes an RKO like a champ in the end anyway. Edge comes out.

"I take it you don't like celebrities. RKOing Meatloaf and Wayne Brady, attacking Seth Green and Freddie Prinze Junior. I don't either. So I called WWE Global Headquarters and they agreed with me. So from now on, guest hosts will have no authority on RAW. But that wasn't enough. See, I thought WWE Raw needed a permanent general manager. Someone with experience, and they agreed with me. And you'll never guess who they picked to be the new permanent General Manager of Monday Night Raw. I give to you... Vickie Guerrero."

"EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! First of all, I would like to say for the record that, despite my personal relationship with Edge in the past, I am here tonight to be a true professional. And Randy, speaking of professionalism, you attacking celebrities is something that we at WWE do not condone. So, Mr. Orton, you will be reprimanded."

"Hey Vickie, why don't you come down here and reprimand me to my face?"

Edge: "Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, but that's exactly what the general manager is talking about. You're a bully! But tonight, you're gonna find out what it feels like to be bullied. Tell 'em, Vickie."

"Mr. Orton... EXCUSE ME! Due to your behavioural issues, you will take on Edge and a partner of his choice in a two-on-one handicap match."

Edge: "Oh yeah. You're gonna see how I deal with threats. That's a promise."

Edge's music hits and the segment is over.

Match One: If Chris Jericho is victorious, he and the Miz get a tag title match at Over the Limit: Chris Jericho vs. David Hart Smith

Stare-down, Jericho with a slap, Smith with shots and a boot, then a delayed vertical suplex. Misses a leg drop. Jericho drops an elbow, then nails shots to a prone Smith. Hits a dropkick, drags him up and punches him in the skull, before locking in a rear chinlock. A knee to the chest and a whip to the corner, Smith gets the boot up and two shoulders, then a belly-to-belly and a powerslam for two. Jericho with a clothesline, misses what I think was a shooting star, Smith locks in the Sharpshooter, Jericho in the ropes, thumb to the eye, Codebreaker, three-count.

Winner: Chris Jericho

Edge is backstage talking to Batista. Later tonight, Cena will announce the stipulation, but up next is Flavor Flav.

R-Truth comes out with Flavor Flav and they duet "What's Up", with Flav inserting a few "Yea bwoi"s in there. R-Truth gives Flavor Flav a full introduction, who takes a mic and starts hyping his show. I'm not actually sure how to type what he's saying, so my apologies if it's not word for word. Oh, hey, William Regal's on the apron.

Match Two: R-Truth vs. William Regal

Regal takes early control, R-Truth responds with a dropkick, The Colons run in and begin dissecting Truth, culminating in a backstabber.

Winner by Disqualification: R-Truth

The Colons walk up the entrance ramp right into... Ted Dibiase. He hands them an envelope and they walk backstage.

A video package airs for Eve Torres. They show a package of Maryse training with her instructor, who she ends up beating up once he complains that she isn't trying hard enough.

Josh Matthews asks Randy Orton if he's concerned about who Edge will pick as his partner. Orton says he isn't, and challenges Vickie Guerrero to come to ringside for the match.

Speaking of ringside, Gail Kim and Alicia Fox are it, for...

Match Three: Zack Ryder vs. Evan Bourne

Lockup, Ryder with the stomps, punches, knee in the ropes, whip, Bourne with a head scissors. Covers for two. Bourne goes up top, blocked, Bourne flips over the top of him, Ryder hits the Rough Ryder, then a stomp for two. Choking him in the ropes. Bourne hits some kind of single-bounce Bronco Buster, Fox tries to pull him down from the top, Kim stops her, Bourne still hits Air Bourne even though Ryder's starting to get up.

Winner: Evan Bourne

Kim leaves with Bourne. Up next, Cena will reveal the stipulation of his match with Batista.

Cena's out. "This is truly, truly a special occasion. But I want to take this moment, to thank Sheamus. He gave me a whole week to think of the stipulation. Batista was right. I beat him, but the victory was intellectual. It didn't involve athletic ability. I thought it was creative. Some thought it was cowardice. I've been called many things in my life, but I am not a coward. I am a man of privilege. I could force Batista to wear a blindfold or be handcuffed, that would be the act of a coward. In this match, there will be no easy way out.

It will be fair and competitive, but brutal. And it will be the last time I face Batista for the WWE Title. If I lose, I go on the record as saying I forfeit my rematch clause. We will face each other in an I Quit match! I would like to thank Sheamus, because I would've chosen another match. I'd like to thank him, so why don't we get that human jar of mayonnaise out here in person?"

Sheamus comes out. "You wanna thank me, fella? See I don't think you've thought this through, because if I come to that ring, I will leave you in no condition to compete with Batista in an I Quit match. So I'll ask you again, do you really want me to come down there?"

"You know, I've heard what you've said, and I really think I'll take those chances."

Sheamus starts to walk to the ring, but Batista gets there first and spears Cena. Sheamus hits his black hole backbreaker thing and they toss him to the outside, where Batista slams him into the ring post. He tosses him back in, and Sheamus boots him in the face. Mark Henry comes in and clotheslines Batista, then hooks him, then follows up with a splash and a toss to the outside. Henry helps Cena up, and backstage Edge tells Vickie he found a partner.

He then tells Vickie he only said what he said last year about marrying Vickie for the money just so the fans would sympathize with her, which didn't work. He asks Vickie to be at ringside, she initially refuses until Edge reminds her that she can fire Orton on the spot. Vickie agrees, and then gives Edge a good ogling as he leaves.

Match Four: Miz vs. Tyson Kidd

Miz takes Kidd down with mixed shots, then gives him a thigh out of the ring. Kidd jumps back into the ring and rolls him up for three.

Winner: Tyson Kidd

As a result, Miz will have to defend the US Title against a member of the Hart Family.

Miz takes a mic and announces that he is the one who gets to choose the member. Miz takes as long as he can to answer the way we all know he will. Bret Hart. Hey, at least he didn't choose Owen. Backstage, Batista tells Josh Matthews that he is going to make John Cena scream "I Quit".

Match Five: NXT Rookies vs. RAW Superstars Match: All NXT Rookies vs. John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust and Santino Marella

I really have no idea how this is going to work... it's four vs. eight. Goldust starts against Wade Barrett. Barrett takes early control, Goldust drops down and gives a shot, then an atomic drop, then a clothesline for two. Gabriel and Tatsu in now, action goes back and fourth, Tatsu misses a kick, Gabriel flips over him and hits his own, Otunga in forcibly. Takes control and gets a two-count, hits half a clothesline from the ground for two, then sinks in a headlock.

Tatsu elbows out, Otunga off the ropes into a fist. Slater and Jomo in, Morrison with a kick and punches in the corner, then another dropkick. Michael Tarver gets tossed into CM Punk's rookie. Morrison knees Barrett, goes up top, Sheffield distracts, Morrison misses Starship Pain, Bryan and Marella in, rollup, BRYAN GETS THE PIN.

Winners: The NXT Rookies

All apologies to Aaron Dammit, I did so think you'd get to type the words I just typed before I did. Nonetheless, kind of a weak way to do it, but better than nothing.

They replay Drew McIntyre getting fired from Smackdown last week.

Flavor Flav is accosted by the Bella Twins, then interrupted by Koslov and Marella arguing whether or not they would make a good tag team. Regal comes in to a good pop. He says anyone can rap, to which both Flav and Koslov implore him to follow up. Regal actually rhymes pretty well, despite the fact that he obviously doesn't have the right voice for rap.

Match Six: Batista vs. Mark Henry

After Batista enters, the show goes to commercial. When it's back on, Batista is sitting on a chair and Henry comes out. As Henry climbs through the ropes, Batista springs to and boots him, then smacks him with the chair a few times and drives the edge into his shoulder a few times.

He then puts Henry in an armbar headlock combo until he taps, and the referee attempts to break the hold. More referees rush to the ring after Henry loses consciousness and Batista finally breaks the hold. The trainer rushes the ring and Batista leaves with a satisfied half-stare, half-smirk.

Match Decision: No Contest

They replay Randy Orton RKOing Meatloaf before hyping the main event, which is next.

Main Event: Randy Orton vs. Edge and TBA

Orton is out first, followed by Edge. His mystery partner is Ted Dibiase. Dibiase will start. Lockup, Orton with a side headlock, Dibiase whips him, Orton responds with a shoulder tackle, a knee and a whip. Dibiase kicks him, Edge tags in, Orton clotheslines Dibiase, Edge hits the Edge-o-Matic and some stomps, before choking him in the corner. Dibiase back in and they double-team stomp him in the turnbuckle. Another tag, another double team stomp, Edge poses to what's actually half a pop. Edge goes for the Edgecution, Orton reverses, Edge with a boot for two.

Dibiase in, drags Orton up, Orton with fists, an uppercut, Orton runs for the ropes, Dibiase follows with a clothesline for two. Dibiase with a headlock. Orton powers out and runs, Dibiase gets a fist up, Orton takes him out, takes Edge out and hits a scoopslam. Orton knocks Edge off the ropes into the table, Dibiase goes for a whip, Orton hits the Orton backbreaker and sets up for the RKO, misses it, drops Dibiase over the ropes. R-Truth runs out, Dibiase takes the RKO, Orton pins him for three.

Winner: Randy Orton

Orton starts to glare at Vickie Guerrero... who doesn't do the obvious thing and run. He starts slinking toward her, literally slinking, until he's outside. Vickie grabs a mic and tells him not to do it, then screams for Edge. She starts wailing before announcing she resigns in an attempt to appease Orton. Edge gets up into an RKO and Guerrero runs off. Orton climbs into the ring and stares at Edge as the show fades out.

1 comments: on "Ian Clark's Raw Recap"

kathy said...

ok i really don't care for flavor flav, probably because of reality t.v. in i'm wondering why i didn't hate him on RAW ?