Ian Clark's Raw Recap

Video package airs of last week. Oddly, same video package I saw fifteen minutes earlier on the Countdown to Raw, but with different music.

Still gets me how Batista started to go for a Batista bomb then remembered "Right... stroke..." Usual pyro opens the show as Michael Cole congratulates the New Orleans Saints on their SUPER BOWL WIN (Sorry Colts fans...). Also, the main event match has been made an elimination match. I think it's for the best.

A race car spinning out in the parking lot hits the screen before heading in to the arena. Then Hornswoggle steps out of the driver's seat.

Kelly Kelly doing announcing work introduces Carl Edwards. Is Kelly Kelly doing announce work regularly now or just this once? Edwards does his backflip off the top rope and takes a mic.

"Welcome to MONDAY NIGHT RAW! I've always wanted to do that off the top rope and there's no better place than right here on Monday Night Raw in Louisiana home of the SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS NEW ORLEANS SAINTS!

And speaking of Superbowls, the Superbowl of Nascar, the Wrestlemania of Nascar is the Daytona 500. Next week I'll be strapping into my car, it'll be me, not Hornswoggle. I know as a guest host I have a lot to live up to. You guys mught have seen my competitors. They showed you just how charismatic and eloquent we Nascar drivers can be, but I have something they don't. A friend in the WWE, who's sat beside me in the car. His name is John Cena!"

Sheamus walks out with a mic. "You talk about your Superbowl? Well my Superbowl is in seven weeks at Wrestlemania. But fella, I plan on walking into Wrestlemania WWE Champion, and that means I have to win the Elimination Chamber. So as WWE Champion, I demand you make me the last entrant in the chamber.

I don't want you doing favours for your buddy John Cena just because he got beat up. I'm the WWE Champion, and that means you're not the guest host, you're a guest on my show, and that means you'll do exactly what I tell you. If you don't, you won't make Daytona next week. Do I make myself clear?"

Christian's music hits! The ECW Champion is out, and that means we have two world champs in the ring at once. "Carl Edwards, it's nice to meet you, I'm the ECW Champion, Christian. I'm a huge fan. You might not know this, but Nascar, it's getting big up in Canada (not really...). In fact, it makes me almost happy we got denied that WNBA franchise."

Sheamus: "What are you doing here?"

Christian: "Last week Edge came out of here and he said that he was gonna face either you or the Undertaker at Wrestlemania without one mention of myself or the ECW Championship. But then Mr. McMahon came out and said that in two weeks ECW was going off the air. And it's going to be replaced by the next generation of WWE programming, or something."

Sheamus: "And that makes you a lame duck champion."

Christian: "Actually, Snaggletooth, you're the one who's lame. It's obvious to me that you take some pride in the way you look. You spend a lot of money on hair gel and beard trimmers, but you run out of money before you get to the tanning salon?"

Sheamus: "Come here to make jokes, did ya? The only thing that's funny is the fact that you're going to be unemployed."

Christian: "That's where you're wrong. Everyone on the ECW roster is going to become a free agent. And I was starting to think maybe my Raw peeps were starting to miss me. So I thought I'd come out here and dip my toes in the water and challenge you to a match. The WWE Champion vs. the ECW Champion. We have a lot in common, both world champions, both born without last names, come on, make it happen."

Edwards agrees and immediately we've got:

Match One: Christian vs. Sheamus (non-title all round)

Bell rings, lockup, Sheamus with a toss throwdown, Christian back up, another lockup, Sheamus hits the knee, whip to the turnbockle, caught with a boot, Christian up top, misses a body drop, fallaway slam, Christian's out, commercial.

Bakc on, Christian's trapped in a headlock, powers out, Sheamus whips hi, gets a kick in the face, Christian off the ropes, ducks a few clotheslines, eats a block. Blocks a whip, Sheamus charges, Christian drops the rope and Sheamus goes out. Christian waits then goes off the turnbuckle into Sheamus.

Stalks hi to the ring post, Sheamus pulls his shoulder, breaks the count, drives Christian into the barricade, throws him in, slams his right arm into the mat and stomps on it, knees his left, two-count. Now with the left arm in a hammerlock, drops him to the ground, hold still locked in. Powers out, Sheamus throws him into the turnbuckle where he keeps the hold. Christian gets some shots in then goes up for a missile dropkick. Now throwing shots, slides upder Sheamus and hits another.

Goes to the apron, drops Sheamus' neck, gets a crossbody from the top, now beating him. Goes for another, caught, reversed, Christian off the ropes, Sheamus hits the clothesline. Christian gets up in the corner, Sheamus charges, misses, eats a kick. Christian hits a top rope DDT for two. Christian waiting in the corner, going for the killswitch, thrown outside, goes out, misses a kick, eats turnbuckle, bicycle kick to the face. Sheamus sets up for the crucifix bomb and connects. One, two, three.

Winner: Sheamus

Immediately cuts to commercial. Back fro commercial, they replay Batista beating down Cena after Raw last week. Apparently I missed a DX bit. Legacy backstage, Rhodes claims Dibiase couldn't have beaten Cena. Dibiase claims last week proved he's better.

Orton walks in and asks if Dibiase is better than him. Dibiase says they'll find out at the Chamber. Orton tells him he's got Cena that night. Orton tells Rhodes he knows he meant well at Royal Rumble and that he appreciates the effort, and that he'll be facing him later.

Match Two: DX (c) vs. Straight Edge Society vs. Big Show and the Miz (Triple Threat elimination match for the WWE Unified Tag Team Championships

In the middle of the last match, Michael Cole announced that the first inductee into the HOF will be announced tonight. Straight Edge Society out first. Theodore Long is at ringside. Punk with a mic.

"I don't think it's any secret that in hard times this region turns to drugs and alcohol. It's more sad that when you have something to celebrate like Mardi Gras or that little football game, you also turn to drink. You do it because you are weak. While the rest of the country deem you unsavable, we will win the tag team titles and show you all why straight-edge means I'm better than you. This is usually the part of the show where you'd place your hands on the television screen and wait for me to save a member of the audience. But we just so happen to have a 'celebrity' in the audience.

Jared from Subway. Now Jared you remind yourself a lot of me (?). You preach to all these people, they look up to you and follow in your footsteps. But I'll be honest, the SES is looking for a good minister of Propaganda, and while you've been good with Subway, we'd like to welcome you into the Straight Edge Society. Do you accept CM Punk as your saviour? (Jared waves his arms "no") I thought you might say that, so I'm prepared to make an example out of you. Luke? Serena? Bring me Jared." DX's music hits and they're out.

Miz comes out next, followed by Big Show. I kind of like how Big Show's playing the "big friend" for everyone without being a hired goon. SES starts beating Miz in the ring and DX throws out Show. HHH takes Gallows and HBK takes Punk. DX throws everyone out of the ring and commercial.

Back on, HBK is setting up for the kick on CM Punk, Gallows interrupts, is thrown out by HHH. Punk goes for the GTS, eats SCM, three-count. Straight Edge Society is eliminated. Show hits both members of DX with a clothesline, taunts Michaels to get up, gets a chop for his troubles.

Then another. Responds with a pair of headbutts, then chokes him with the ropes. Miz gets a cheap shot. Show steps over HBK with his full body weight. Michaels up, eats a fist to the gut. HHH calls for a tag, HBK gets a fist, then two more, Show with a knee and a whip to the turnbuckle, gets a boot to the face. Then repeat. Show then hits a side slam for two. Tags in the Miz who hits him with a right jab, then kicks him in the face for two. Now into a rear naked choke, or headlock variation at least.

HBK powers out, Mix with a throwdown and a neckbreaker. Miz sets up for a full nelson, Michaels somehow reverses into a monkey flip. Show in, blocks the tag, Michaels hits the superkick. HHH and Miz in. How did Show get up so fast? HHH with a knee, whip reversed into HHH's knee block reversal, tkaes out Show, AA spinebuster, HBK gets the surprise tag. HBK and HHH argue, Miz knocks them into each other and rolls Michaels up for three.

Winners and New Tag Team Champions: The Miz and Big Show

I really liked the way this match ended actually. I mean, sure Miz and Show are a new team, but at least they're actually a team and were prior to winning the titles, as opposed to... y'know... everyone who holds the tag straps these days. Also did a good job putting them over as a team that could actually beat DX, even if it was under bizarre circumstances. Not like it usually goes when two big-name guys lose the straps by some massive screwjob finish and it goes back to seeming nobodies (*coughshowandkanevsspiritsquadcough*). Still, the rematch clause will be the tell.

Back from commercial, they hype up the Cypress Hill theme for EC. I was hoping for "Hits from the Bong". Replay of the end of the tag match airs. Josh Matthews with the new champs. Show says the difference without Jericho is that now he beat DX. He takes a few more shots at Jericho, saying he treated him like an inferior.

Now to HBK wandering backstage, asks "Where is he?" finds Teddy Long, and requests a trade to Smackdown. He pleads to be traded to Smackdown and put in the Chamber. Long says he'd love to do it, but he can't change the Chamber after the qualifiers. HBK flips out and grabs him by the collar until HHH butts in and asks if he's willing to throw it all away. HBK responds that his career is over and superkicks Teddy Long. Commercial.

WWE Rewind is Gail Kim beating Alicia Fox a few weeks ago. the na replay airs of HBK kicking Teddy Long and announcing his career was over. Just noticed Long fell into a guy. No entrances for:

Match Three: Jillian vs. Gail Kim

Jillian dominating for a few minutes, finally goes for a bodyslam, reversed into Kim's finisher.

Winner: Gail Kim

Maryse into the ring says she wants to congratulate Kim. "I'm really looking forward to our match, I think it'll be great." Maryse then channels Pat Patterson and bitches her out in French, smiling nicely the whole time.

It's time to announce the first inductee into the Hall of Fame class of 2012 and it's... the "Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase! Man... he really deserves it. Still fingers crossed for Macho Man, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Did you know we cu a little when we write these? Backstage, Jared is bringing Carl Edwards subs. Santino comes in and talks about how awesome the five dollar footlong is. He then asks for payback against Swagger, which he'll apparently get, on Superstars. Kofi Kingston comes in and proposes that next week everyone in the chamber should compete in random matches. Edwards asks if he should make the matches now or save it until next week. Santino says he should leave some fun for the next guy as he is "undoubtedly going to be someone of class, dignity and civility." Or Jerry Springer, who comes on camera to hype up the next show.

Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

Orton shoves Rhodes, and bitches him out. He points his finger, Cody slaps it away. Orton shoves him Rhodes hits a dropkick for two. Orton into the corner, responds with shots. Rhodes hits a leg sweep for two. Orton slingshot suplexes Rhodes into the ropes and kicks him to the corner. Sets him up in the adjacent corner and hits him with hooks. He sets up for a superplex, Rhodes gets out of it, then misses a crossbody. Orton signals an RKO before Sheamus slides in, then back out. Off the distraction, Rhodes hits crossrhodes for the three

Winner: Cody Rhodes

Following the match, Sheamus hits a kick on Orton and alludes to more before Rhodes chases him off with a chair. He stands holding the chair for a bit longer. They then go to another bleeding video package recapping what happened last week after Raw went off the air, although notice the convenient exclusion of the dark match main event. Cena walks to the arena as we go to commercial.

Josh Matthews is with Carl Edwards, who makes a major announcement. He announces the matches for next week: Sheamus vs. Randy Orton, Ted Dibiase vs. Kofi Kingston and John Cena vs. HHH. Not that major to me...

Main Event: Ted Dibiase Jr. vs. John Cena

Dibiase out first, Cena out second. Cena immediately hits a clothesling, then beats him in the turnbuckle, then tosses him out. Cena launches Dibiase into the barricade and seethes, before locking in the STF on the outside. Dibiase taps out to no effect as the referees try to remove Cena. Cena finally breaks it, gets in the ring and takes a mic: "I didn't come in here to have a match, I came in here for one thing. Dave Batista, I don't even want to know why you did it, I just wanna fight you. Apparently last week, he was here to take me out. But I'm still here! Get out here. I've got all night, and I'm not leaving until you get here." Commercial. Why would Batista even be there?

"Batista's not coming out here, is he? So either he's scared for his life, or last week was a business decision. If I can't fight Batista, I'd really like to talk to Vince McMahon." McMahon comes out with security. "Ten guards? Next time come out with a tank! You've got two choices: Either leave your posse behind or you send them in here, I mow them down and I will be even angrier."

"You think I need backup? Just remember, I am the ultimate supreme alpha male. When God created the heavens and the Earth, it wasn't Adam he had in mind, it was me. I'll admit, I brought out Batista, there was compensation, but the reason was to screw Bret again. Did you see the look on his face when I hauled off and spit on him? I really enjoyed that, but I had nothing to do with what he did to you. Maybe it's because you eliminated him in the Royal Rumble, or maybe he just doesn't like you. I don't like you. But from a business perspective I really like you."

"It's always about the money, isn't it? You've got a ton of money, and all you care about is making more. You took a good guy like Dave Batista and paid him off and now all he cares about is cashing cheques. You do this for money, but I do it because I love it! I get to stand here in Louisiana and feel the energy of the crowd! I've got news Daddy Warbucks, you can't put a price on that right there.

I do it for moments like in two weeks when I'm going to take the beating of a lifetime and walk out WWE Champion. I do it for Wrestlemania when I'm going to stand there and hoist the WWE Championship high, knowing that we hung with the best of the land. They did it all for the moment. Dibiase going into the Hall of Fame gave it his all. I talked to Bret Hart last week, you didn't know that, did you? He wants another moment. Last week, he said something I never thought I'd hear him say. He wants to wrestle another match. He wants to fight at Wrestlemania. And he wants his opponent to be Vince McMahon."

"He doesn't want that, trust me."

"He does. So now you have a chance. Yes or no? Are you about the money or the moment?"

"I'm about the money and the moment."

"So are you going to go for it? Or are you going to hide behind your stacks of money?"

"Yes! Yes! The answer's yes! I'll tell you to your face my answer's yes! I'll tell everyone here to their face my answer's yes!"

"Alright, but there's still one more person you have to tell to their face."

"You're right, there is, but Bret, I know you're up there in Calgary, and I want to remind you one very good reason you don't want any of this." Replay airs from last week. Back to live TV, it's Bret Hart! He takes down Vince and a couple of his security guards. "Oh, sure, attack me from behind. You know what then? My answer's no. You know why? Because you deserve to be screwed!" McMahon walks off. Hart looks around before heading backstage and destroying some equipment, then heads to the broadcast booth to destroy the monitors before overturning the table. Finally his music hits, which I guess means he didn't destroy nearly enough sound equipment, and Raw goes off the air.

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