Tha Raw Report

Courtesy of Ian Clark:

Anyone else weirded out by the Nickelback theme? This thought and a pyro display welcome you to Monday Night Raw. Michael Cole mentions there's a "big fight feel" and makes some Mike Tyson puns. Really? Speaking of Tyson, Justin Roberts announces him as the most iconic sports figure of the twentieth century and out comes the man.

Tyson enters to what for some reason makes me think of the Godfather's theme.

Tyson: "It's great being back in Monday Night Raw. Let's say the last time I was here was a memorable experience." Video package airs of Tyson's last 1998 appearance. "You Screwed Shawn" chant NICE! "I looked forward to being here, oh!" Sheamus' music interrupts.

Sheamus walks to the ring mic in hand.

Sheamus: "Did I hear that right? They just introduce you as one of the most iconic sports figures of the 20th century?"

Tyson: "Just a matter of opinion."

Sheamus: "Baddest man on the planet? You're nothing but a washed-up ex champion. You see, I am the WWE Champion, and that makes me the baddest man on the planet." Tyson shoves him. "I dare you to do that again."

Randy Orton's music hits, and he comes to the ring. "Tyson, I am not interested in cretaing a Sportscentre moment. What I am interested in is the WWE Title. Sheamus doesn't have an opponent for the Rumble, so I think you should make me the number one contender."

Cena's music, and the former champ comes out. "Hey everybody!"

"What are you doing here Cena?" Sheamus interjects.

"What am I doing here? I came here to see Mike Tyson. The Vikings are in the playoffs and the Packers are going home! I'm here for the WWE Championship!"

Sheamus: I already told you Cena, you're not getting a shot. In case you forgot--"

"I didn't forget anything! I remember you telling me. But the last time we fought, you lost, l o s t lost! Matter of fact I beat everyone here. I even beat Mike Tyson. I had to go through Glass Joe and Super Macho Man. So if anyone should get a shot, it's me."

Kofi Kingston's music hits. "You lost to me last week, you're not a part of ths discussion," Orton interjects.

Kingston: "You're right, last week I lost to you. I probably don't have any business being out here except for one thing. You and John have both been former champions, and have had numerous opportunities, but I haven't had any. I want a shot. I will not take no for an answer."

Sheamus: "I have a simple way of solving this. Tyson, when you were champion you went months between defenses. I want the Rumble off."

Tyson: "Don't ever compare me to you as champion, because I never backed down from a fight. Second, you all want a shot, you've got a shot."

Tyson books a triple-threat #1 contender's match and Cena makes more Punch-Out jokes. Commercial.

Did you know we're running out of these?

Diva's Title Tourney first-round match: Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox

Question of the evening: What in the blue hell is with Alicia Fox's hair? And "Hot in here" theme music? Lock up, Kelly pushes Fox to the ropes, ref breaks it up, Fox takes control with a cheap shot, gets a snapmare, now into a headlock. Kelly screams to sell the headlock, and it goes for a while. Kelly powers out, Fox reverses a tilt-a-whirl takedown, Kelly to the apron, Fox goes outside, Kelly with a diving body press to the floor. Tosses Fos back in the ring, clothesline, another, whip reversed, Kelly gets the tilt-a-whirl, dropkick, Fox hits the powerbomb, gets the three.

Winner: Alicia Fox

An impressive Diva's match (did I just type that?) by both women. I have to admit, Kelly Kelly is probably the most improved Diva since Trish Stratus. She's come a long way from near-non-matches with Layla.

Back from commercial, recap package of John Cena at the Fiesta Bowl. Onto the next match. Legacy's music hits and they take a mic.

Rhodes: "Last year, Dibiase, Orton and I were three of the final four in the Rumble. Last year it was Randy's turn but this year it's a different story."

Dibiase: "Couldn't agree more Cody, this year it's my turn. Your dad's always bragging about how you have these movie star good looks, but take it from a real movie star. My movie is considered superior to the original Marine."

Rhodes: "My fifth-grade graduation video is superior to the original Marine, what's your point?" BURN!

Dibiase: "My point is, this year I'm going to win the Royal Rumble."

Stare-down before their opponents come out.

Match Two: Legacy (Rhodes and Dibiase) vs. Evan Bourne and Mark "Hey look, I've got another partner!" Henry

Bourne and Dibiase start, lock up, Dibiase with the knee. Whip, reversed into a hurricanrana, dropkick, out to the apron, Dibiase takes him to the floor with a dropkick. Rhodes beats Bourne on the outside, damn Little Naitch looks old. Bourne back to the ring, Dibiase smashes his head into the turnbuckle, now with a headlock. Tags in Rhodes, dropkick, two count. Rhodes abusing Bourne on the ground, then hits a bodyslam. Hits a knee drop, two count. Now with a rest hold I can't quite identify.

Bourne powers out, whip, Rhodes with a knee, Bourne with a dropkick. Gets the tag, Henry beating the hell out of Rhodes. Gorilla press slam, delay, delay, drop. Tags Bourne back in. Goes for the SSP, Didiase moves Rhodes, low blow with the ref distracted with Henry. Tosses Henry out, Bourne kicks Dibiase out of the ring, gets caught with the Crossroads (Crossrhodes?), three count.

Winners: Legacy

Henry comes in to check on his partner as Legacy celebrates on the outside. DX backstage. "You sure you wanna do this Shawn?" HHH asks, "I mean Bret Hart was one thing, but Mike Tyson?"

HBK: "After twelve years I made peace with Bret Hart, tonight I wanna do the same thing with Mike Tyson. Mike is..."

HHH: "Let me finish that for you. Mike Tyson is... insane. Certifiable? Mike Tyson is... the man that knocked you out."

HBK: "Come on, I saw his documentary and I think he's a changed man. I'm going to prove it." Commercial.

King plugs the Fozzy theme. I like Fozzy, is that weird?

HBK and Tyson. HBK explains how he wanted to duplicate what he accomplished last week. Puts his hand on Tyson's shoulder, and says he forgives him.

Tyson: "That's wonderful, but there's just one little problem. I don't need your forgiveness. I enjoyed knocking you out and I'd love to do it again."

Jericho comes on set: "You heard the man, he doesn't like you and neither do I."

Michaels mentions that Jericho was kicked off Raw. Twice.

"A superstar of my calibur has a lot of connections. Tyson and I have a lot in common. We're both persecuted by the masses." Jericho calls Tyson his friend and they announce that DX has a match, and if DX loses, Jericho is back on Raw.

"What is the match?" HBK asks.

"DX vs. Jericho and... Mike Tyson," Tyson announces.

Cole and King introduce a video package of the previous week. While that's on, anyone else seeing an obvious Tyson swerve coming? He's clearly going to hit Jericho.

The tagline "Retribution?" adorns the graphic of a prone Hart as they go to commercial. Well, with one more hype of the main event.

Back from commercial, video package for the HOF airs. Jack Swagger is in the ring with a mic. "Jack Swagger is going to win the Rumble and go on to win the title at Wrestlemania!" He repeats himself. "The rumble is taylor-made for someone like me. This time last year I was successfully defending my ECW title so I've never been in the match, but no one in the WWE has the ability to eliminate me. I'm issuing a challenge.

If anyone in the WWE thinks they can toss me over the top rope, come out here and try it." Santine Marella's music hits and he comes out with a mic. "This is so embarrassing. I was going to come out and issue the all-Italian Italian challenge. How are we going to resolve this? Oh right, I'm going to drop you like a bicycle with no kickstand! Referee? Let's go." Match Three: Over the top rope challenge: Santino Marella vs. Jack Swagger Stare-down, Santino with the fists, Swagger with the throw to the turnbuckle, again, whip to the turnbuckle, off the turnbuckle to a body press.

Swagger lifting a prona Santino, tosses him over the ropes, Santino reverses and Swagger goes out! Winner: Santino Marella Swagger chases Marella out of the ring. Mark out moment right there? Well, until it hits you that they're burying Swagger. He's like a combination jobber to the stars occasional Jobber to the Jobbers. Damn... Back from commercial, Orton's music hits for what I thought was going to be the main event. Match Four: Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. Kofi Kingston Kingston's out next.

A Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus title match would make the perfect Royal Rumble championship match, which is traditionally kind of a write-off but a good display of things to come. Cena's out next. I just realized something: If Cena gets pinned, it breaks his streak. If Kofi gets pinned, it furthers his re-burial. If Orton gets pinned the Legacy might betray him, making him seemingly a face. Damn, this isn't looking good for business. Orton going after Cena, then Kingston going after Orton to open up. Cena hits Orton in the corner, then both double-suplex Orton.

Kingston with a Stinger Splash to Orton, then a punch. Cena with more turnbuckle beatings, then a fisherman suplex. Kingston getting his shots in, Orton bails, Cena goes after hi and tosses him back in. Double whip, double elbow, Cena with an elbow drop. Kingston tossing Orton to the outside, wasn't that where they didn't want him? Kingston and Cena staring each other down. Sheamus coming out to observe, both distracted, Orton with the sneak attack on both of them. Commercial. Back from a commercial, Orton has Kingston in... guess what?

A resthold headlock. Apparently during the commercial Cena ate steel steps. Kingston powering out, Orton takes him down. Cena climbs on the apron, Orton teasing the rope DDT... and... hits it. Kingston with a crossbody for a 2-count. Kingston getting his shots in, dropkick, takes a knee, whip, Orton reverses into the headlock takedown he does. Cena with a bulldog, eats turnbuckle. Kingston hits Orton with the SOS for a 2-count. Kingston off the ropes, Cena traps him in the STF. Kingston struggling, like what they're doing here, don't have him tap, Orton breaks it up. Yes! Kingston looked good there.

Whip, Cena hitting the shoulder blocks, now a protoplex. You Can't See Me taunt, into the five-knuckle shuffle. Goes for the FU (which I'm still calling it), Kingston breaks it up, why? Kingston into the ropes, hits Cena with a clothesline, off the ropes, Boom Drop, hits the Trouble in Paradise, Cena to the outside, Kingston hits Orton in the turnbuckle as Cody Rhodes kicks the steel steps into Cena. Dibiase makes the run in and somehow... hits Orton hurting Kingston? The fuck? Orton with the RKO, gets the three-count. Winner: Randy Orton So who plays the face now? On the plus side, Kingston may have gotten pinned but he still looked good. Legacy and Orton stare down Sheamus.

Here's a horrifying thought: What if Dibiase's face turn isn't a break from Legacy? What if they had the entire Legacy turn face? Sheamus is definitely looking antagonistic right now. Josh Matthews in the back asks Tyson his gameplan. Hornswoggle comes in shadowboxing. KNOCK HIM OUT! Tyson kneels down and tells Hornswoggle if he interferes, he'll tear his intestines out. Then he'll pull his brain out his nostrils, put it in a newspaper and smash it against a window like Silly Putty. FIVE STAR PROMO! I kid. Mostly. Commercial.

Back from commercial, there's a shot of the crowd. They replay the US Title #1 contenders match from last week, and the Miz has a mic.

"When I first came to the WWE, not a single person respected me. Nt a single fan, and not anyone in the locker room. No one could stand me. hey made my life a living hell. As a matter of fact, I got kicked out of the locker room for spilling chicken in a referee's bag.

I had to find a place to shower, a place to change, and a place to use the restroom. I used to walk down the hallway and see superstars like JBL. And every time he would see me he'd sarcastically say, 'Miz, I look forwrd to your amazing work, you are a gift from God Miz.' Everyone berated me, ridiculed me, wanted me to quit. But I used that as fuel to ignite a wrath against everyone in te WWE to become the star I am today. Now I have a private dressing room. That locker room is for the Evan Bournes and the MVPs. The same MVP that is number one contender for te US Championship. So congradulations MVP.

You've joined a long list of people to get publically humiliated by me." On the way to the ring, "MVP doesn't have the right to stand in the sae ring as me. If it was up to me, MVP would still be in jail. Idon't believe in second chances because I've been perfect my whole life. Yet you still boo me and cheer him, but go ahead. I'd rather you boo me for somethng I am than cheer me or sething I'm not. MVP comes out here with his pyro, his ballin'. He's got his designer suits, but you could put diamonds on a dog, but it's still a mutt. You will all respect me because I'M THE MIZ, AND I'M AWESOME!"

MVP comes out. "Miz, the WWE Universe know all about my past, I don't hide it, I've embraced it. Quite frankly, I don't want people to make the same mistakes, so I talk about it publicly. I have an affinity for designer suits, but I've earned it. Just like I've worked hard to make my way back into society and gain these people's respect. Something you still haven't done. What was it you said? You could put diamonds on a dog but it's still a mutt? Well Miz, we are all animals, but I assure you I'm no mutt. Bear with me a moment, you can just stand there and suck."

MVP begins disrobing and... is that a dueling chant? "You wanna talk about animals? I'm a bengal tiger and you are a monkey flinging poo."

Miz: "Well I hope some of it hits your lips so you can hear the things coming out of your mouth."

MVP: "Well maybe you think that I'm tame because I like the finer things. Go ahead, fling it. As a matter f fact, let's talk about my past. I spent nine years in a Florida State prison. I lived like an animal, I fought other animals, I licked my wounds with the other animals, but I survived in a world you've only see on television. As a matter of fact, your real world and mine are worlds apart. So open up the cage Miz. As a matter of fact, I dare you."

Stare down. MVP takes down he Miz, the two brawl and MVP clotheslines the Miz to the outside. MVP takes the title and they stare each other down.

Video package recaps last year's HOF ceremony. Cole and King hype Tyson and Jericho vs. DX, anothe replay of '98. Commercial.

Video package airs for Tyson's new documentary.

Diva's Title Tourney Match: Eve Torres vs. "The Beautiful Nightmare" Katie Lea Burchill

Katie Lea with a cover, now a surfboard stretch. Trading blows, Katie Lea with a version of the Black Hole Slam. Eve hits a clothesline, two count. atie Lea takes control, whip, reversed, Eve with the dropkicks, Katie Lea hits one of her own, two-count. Eve out of nowhere gets a rollup for three.

Winner: Eve Torres

Umm... what the hell was that? Either way, next week we'll see Maryse vs. Eve Torres and that should be... truly truly awful. Oh well. Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox more than made up for that match and renewed my faith that we might... actually have a WWE women's division. Just please, please don't put the strap on Maryse again. Please.

Carlito hits on Gail Kim as Vinnie Mac heads to the ring and they go to commercial.

Back live(ish), they replay the triple threat from earlier in the night.

Vince McMahon's music hits as he comes out. I will truly never get tired of that walk. McMahon taking a mic.

"First of all, I'd like to put an end to the rumors that I've hired extra security to prevent Bret Hart from being here tonight. Bret is not here tonight because he is intimidated. Twelve years ago, Bret screwed Bret. However, last week I screwed Bret. Last year, he wanted to play nice, to move on, and you have to uderstand something. I don't play nice. I don't forive and I don't forget, Bret.

That would bring us to the way we left you last week. We brought closure last night a you were writhing in pain humbled by me. If you want closure, Bret, you will ereby officially never be seen in the WWE again." Cue up McMahon's music again and it looks like he's leaving. Backstage, Tyson practices his punches with Jericho, and the match is next.

DX's music hits back from commercial as Cole and King hype next week's guest hosts. Jon Heder and Don Johnson.

Main Event: DX vs. Chris Jericho and Mike Tyson

Aitch with a mic. Doing the usual "Are you ready?" bit.

HBK: "I am ready. Undertaker, I'mready for an answer. Next week I want my answer, right here on Raw. Will you or will you not once again face me at Wrestlemania?"

HHH reminds us what to do if we're not down with that. Jericho enters.

Tyson enters in what appears to be Eric Bischoff's old Ki. He steps into the ring and the match is on. Tyson and Michaels to tart and they're going long again. The two lock up, Tyson shoves him off. Lock up again, shove off again. A third time, same result.

Michaels charges, gets taken down. HHH tags in. Stare down. Lock up, gets HHHin the roes, shoves HHH. Lock upagain, Jericho tags in. Jericho beating HHH, whip, HHH goes for a pedigree, reversed, HHH with a whip and a knee. Punch, tags in HBK. HBK with the reverse atomic drop, the two trde pins to no avail,Jericho goes for the walls, reversed, HBK roll-up or 2, Jericho with a kick, tags in Tyson and... Hornswoggle's music hits. WHY? Hornswoggle heads to the ring in boxing gear, Tyson tags in Jericho.

Tyson stalking Jericho now, taking off his shirt to reveal a DX shirt. Well we all knew it was coming. Tyson with a knockout punch, HBK gets the pinfall. DX and Tyson celebrate with he-whose-short-annoying-presence-should-not-be-referenced. WHY? WHY? WHY MUST HE RUIN EVERYTHING? HHH brings in Tyson's so and the four and a half of them celebrate with a line of crotch chops. Four-man pose to close the show.

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