Killa Kev's Raw Report

You know what? I HATE this new theme song for Raw. But that doesn't matter, Monday Night Raw is now LIVE from Dallas, Texas tonight. Up for tonight, United States Champion Mike "the Miz" Mizanin faces Mark Henry after his upset win, and D-Generation X faces one-half of the WWE Unified Tag Team Champions, Chris Jericho, in what may be his last match on WWE Raw.

But, enough about douchebags, Mark Cuban is now in the ring! Cuban gets a long-winded introduction, then asks if there are any Mavs fans in the house. Cuban promises that he's going to get crazy tonight, he's got a "showdown" between WWE Champion John Cena and his #1 Contender, Sheamus.

And with that said, THE! CHAMP! IS! HEAAAAHHH!!!!

WWE Champion John Cena vs. "Carribean Cool" Carlito Colon (non-title match)

Colon gets a jump start on Cena and pounds him into the corner, but Cena tries to counter with a much-too-early Attitude Adjustment, that Colon easily escapes and tries to get a cover. Cena rebounds with a pair of shoulder blocks, the side slam, and prepares for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Sheamus' music hits and out comes the challenger, interrupting the match.

Mark Cuban leaps over the ringside barracade and actually cuts Sheamus off from getting to the ring, backed up by security, all telling him to return to the back. Sheamus backs off, and Colon takes advantage of the distraction to dropkick Cena from behind, goes for the Back Stabber, in the WORST possible set-up ever, because instead of the Back Stabber he ends up in the Attitude Adjustment, eats it and the pin.

WINNER: John Cena. Cena poses, bails out of the ring, goes to ringside and kisses the hands of the Bella Twins, shakes Mark Cuban's hand and leaves for the back. Later tonight Cena and Sheamus will face each other for one last verbal confrontation before this Sunday's Tables, Ladders, ChairsStarts at 9PM PPV.

The Legacy come out next, Randy Orton takes the ring and congratulates Mark Cuban for setting up John Cena vs. Sheamus for tonight, but he wants Mark Cuban to lift his ban on a title shot against John Cena. Cuban says he may be rich, but he's not stupid. Ted Dibiase, Jr. then reminds Cuban of what happened to him last time he faced off against Randy Orton, and then we get video of Orton hitting the RKO on Mark Cuban at Survivor Series 2003.

Cuban says he's not going to be suckered into this, and he's not going to let Orton face the winner of the Cena/Sheamus match after TLC. Instead, Orton tonight will face Kofi Kingston in a rematch, with himself as special referee. Cody Rhodes takes the mic and says, "You can't talk to Randy like this! We're not Kenyon Martin and his mother! We will hurt you!" Rhodes asks Cuban to take him up on his offer, Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Cuban, and if Rhodes wins then Orton's ban is lifted. Cuban dismisses Rhodes & DiBiase as he tells them they have a match - against Primo Colon & Evan Bourne... NEXT!

The Legacy (Cody Rhodes & Ted DIBiase, Jr.) vs. Evan Bourne & Primo Colon

We come back from break with Legacy double-teaming Colon and making quick tags to each other to prevent him from making a tag. Colon is able to throw DiBiase out of the ring and tries for a tag, Rhodes cuts him off and then stomps the shit out of him. Colon fires back with some hard lefts, Rhodes cuts him off, throws him into a corner and charges, both men collide heads.

Hot tags are made, Bourne finally makes it in. DiBiase tries to SuperPlex Bourne off the top rope, Bourne knocks him off, hits the double knees to the chest. Rhodes tries to interfere, but Primo Colon reaches into the ring and pulls him out to even the odds, but it doesn't stop DiBiase from hitting Dream Street on Bourne for the pin.

WINNER: The Legacy. Ring announcer Justin Roberts then announces that Mark Cuban is EJECTING LEGACY FROM THE BUILDING and leads the fans in a chant of "Nah-nah-nah-nah, hey hey hey, GOOD BYE!" thus preventing them from interfering in Randy Ortons' match later tonight. Security gives them plenty of time to make a graceful exit.

Maryse Oulet vs. Gail Kim

Kelly Kelly serves as our guest ring announcer for this match. Both girls shove each other as the bell rings, Kim potato sack's Oulet then gives her a hair mare to boot. Whip off the ropes, Oulet holds on to stop her momentum, tries to kick Kim, but Kim catches the leg, delivers a kick f her own then a clothesline. Kigm with a rollup on Oulet, two count. Kim follows up with a flying clothesline into the corner then grinds her knee into Oulet's face.

Oulet counters with a slap to the face after the ref breaks it up, then bails and tries to run from an enraged Gail Kim. Kim catches her, slams her face-first into the ring apron, throws her in the ring, face-first into a turnbuckle. Kim tries to leap on the turnbuckle for a high-risk move, Oulet pulls Kim's feet out from underneath her, then rolls her up for the pinfall, using the middle rope for leverage.

WINNER: Maryse Oulet. Kelly Kelly announces her as the winner, Oulet rolls out of the ring and demands a mic. "Close, but not really, you forgot one thing... that I am the next Diva's champion. SAY IT! Oulet shoves Kelly, Kelly shoves her back into the apron, Oulet runs her over with a clothesline, grabs her hair, and then runs as WWE Divas Champion Melina Perez runs down to the ring to chase her off.

Just as, months ago, I protested these stupid Hornswoggle/Chavo segments, I am now also protesting these equally stupid Hornswoggle/D-X segments. These are even more useless than before because now there isn't even any wrestling, it's stupid shilling of merchandise. Speaking of worthless shilling, we then segue to Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler going on about their renewed contrack with Britian's Sky Sports. And then another useless Sheamus recap. Fuck it I got worthless football to watch!

Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston (w/ guest referee Mark Cuban)

Orton tries to get the jump on Kingston, but Kingston quickly takes the upper-hand with a knee to the chest, an uppercut and then tosses Orton out of the ring before hitting a suicide dive to Orton on the outside, followed by another stiff forearm shot and rolls Orton back into the ring. Kingston starts up the "controlled chaos" until Orton cuts him off with a stiff clothesline and slowly starts to punish Kingston with kicks and punches.

A futile effort by Kingston to retailate results in a high knee drop to the head from Orton, then a side headlock submission. Kingston tries to fight it off and eats a hair mare to the mat for his troubles. Orton goes back to the side headlock wear-down, Kingston fights his way back up and is nearly beating the crap out of Orton in the corner, Cuban reluctant to step in. Kingston then leaps on top of Orton in the corner, lays in a 10-count round of punches, hits a NASTY European Uppercut and a Russian Legsweep, followed by the Boom Drop.

Kingston sets up for Trouble in Paradise, Orton ducks it, Orton with the backbreaker over his sides, and he sets up for the R-K-O, giving an evil look to Mark Cuban as he does. Kingston gets to his feet, Kignston ducks it, hems up the arms, performs a backslide and Mark Cuban pounds out the fastest three count ever!

WINNER: Kofi Kingston. Kingston and Cuban roll out of the ring quickly, and then shake hands, RANDY ORTON GOT SWERVED! Mark Cuban takes a mic, "You know what, Randy Orton? I waited six years for a payback, and I gotcha! What' sright is right, it's one-to-one, and now it's time for the rubber match at TLC - Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston at TLC!" Not a bad match overall.

WWE United States Championship: champion Mike "the Miz" Mizanin vs. "the World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry

We replay Mark Henry's squash of Mizanin last week which leads up to this match. Mizanin starts out with a side headlock, which gets him tossed across the ring by Henry, followed by a headbutt and a shove into the ropes. Mizanin tries for a Sunset Flip, Henry ties to squash him, Mizanin rolls out of the way, knees Henry in the head, goes for a pin attempt. Mizanin attempts to wear Henry down, which only makes him a little more pissed off. Henry tries for a WILD reverse elbow that Miz barely ducks. Henry crushes him with a huge body block.

Henry tries for a Gorilla Press Slam, Mizanin wiggles out of the way and dropkicks Henry out of the ring. Mizanin follows up with a dropkick off the apron that sends Henry head-first into the steel ringsteps. Henry still has the presence of mind to reach out and grab The Miz by the throat, only releasing him in order to roll back into the ring and beat the referee's count.

Mizanin tries to capitalize on hery's grogginess by climbing to the top turnbuckle for a cross-body block, and Henry predictably catches him. But it appears that Mizanin capitalized on Henry's own predictability, because without a bit of hesitation mizanin counters that into a well-leveraged DDT into the mat! 1-2-3!

WINNER: Mike Mizanin. Jerry Lawler says he's shocked, but I'm not! Mizanin is showing himself to be a very cunning and worthy champion! We take a break, and come to see Chris Masters sitting at ringside with Mark Cuban.

Hornswoggle & Eve Torres vs. Chavo Guerrero & Jillian Hall

WHAT? WHAT? NOOO! BOO BOO KITTY FUCK NOO!!!! We start out with Guerrero & Hornswoggle, but Hornswoggle tags out immediately. Guerrero distracts Torres, allowing Hall to attack her from behind, body slam, cover and a two count for Hall. Hall with lots of hair pulling and whips into the corner, and hair mares out of the corner. And then Hall raises her arms like she DID something. UGH.

Torres kicks her in the face off a whip, ducks a clothesline, delivers a lariat of her own followed by a pair of dropkicks, cover, hooks the leg, two count. Hall is whipped into the corner, Torres tries for amonkey flip, Hall pushes her off and tries for a cartwheel splash, Torres blocks it, hits a senton, covers and gets the win.

WINNERS: Hornswoggle & Eve Torres. Guerrero rushes in the ring and grabs Hornswoggle by the neck, Torres pleads with Guerrero to let him loose, Guerrero roughly tosses him aside. Torres steps between them and refuses to move, Guerrero warns her to get out of the way. Chris Masters rolls into the ring and strips off his shirt, warning Guerrero not to touch Hornswoggle or Torres, if he watns a fight, step up.

Guerrero gets in masters' face, then pokes im roughly in the chest several times, and tells him to stay out of it. Masters starts flexing his pecs, Guerrero looks confused, Masters start mouthing and tells Guerrero to do something.

Guerrero takes a swing, Masters ducks it, hits him with the Masterlock and then a Full Nelson Slam! Torres is impressed with his heroism! Guerrero holds open the ropes for Torres to leave, then he steps out. Hornswoggle then stands over Guerrero and tries to immitate Masters' pulsing pecs, grabbing his own man boobs and manipulating them.

OKAY! FOR ONCE THIS SHIT MADE ME LAUGH!

Two-on-One Handicap Match: WWE Unified Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho vs. D-Generation X (Shawn Michaels & Triple H) (non-title match)

Jericho enters the ring to a chorus of boos. Jericho responds, "No I don,t because I'm the 2008 Superstar of the Year, therefore its' automatic that next week on the Slammys I'll be named the 2009 Superstar of the year. I also plan to win the OMG of the Year, Tag Team of the Year, and Champion of the Year, because I am the most dominant and prolific superstar of my generation!

I'm bigger than Raw, I'm bigger than SmackDown, I transcene the entire WWE! I'm oniponent, I go where I want, I do what I want to do because I'm the best!" JERICHO IS A GOD AMONG MEN! He preaches the truth! Jericho goes on to rant against D-Generation X and promises that not only will they be defeated, they'll be gone from WWE forever. We take a commercial for D-X's intro.

Michaels starts out chopping the crap out of Jericho, tags to Triple H, they pound him in the corner, another tag so Michaels can chop Jericho in the chest, then throw him into Triple H's boot. Triple H tags in, punches Jericho in the chest and head, then head-first into Micahels' boot.

HBK tags in, more punches to the head, Triple H tags in, Jericho grabs the bottom rope and demands the referee breaks the count, then shoves the referee into Triple H, knocking out the ref and Triple H. Michaels runs in to attack Jericho. The distraction allows The Big Show to run in and attack Michaels, putting him in the corner. Triple H runs in and hits Big Show with a chair to the back, Big Show sells it for a moment, but then turns around and delivers a KO punch to Triple H's head THROUGH the steel chair!

Michaels runs over and knocks down Big Show, pulls a steel ladder out from underneath the ring. Jericho hits a baseball slide under the bottom rope into the ladder, knocking out Michaels. HBK rolls back into the ring and eats a laddershot from Big Show. Big Show lays out the ladder, pushs D-X between the rungs, Big Show crushes it as Jericho slams the chair over the ladder.

Jericho grabs the belts and then puts them in D-X's faces, then climbs to the top of the ladder and holds the titles up as Big Show raises his arms in victory in front of the ladder.

NEXT WEEK: DENNIS MILLER HOSTS A THREE HOUR RAW, THE 2009 SLAMMY AWARDS! The following Saturday, December 19th at 9PM on NBC is the annual "Tribute to the Troops" show, sadly cut down to one hour.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP SHOWDOWN

Guest Host Mark Cuban has a podium and table set up in the middle of the ring for our main event participants to sit and discuss their feelings. Sheamus is introduced first, he gets in the ring but refuses to sit down. Mark Cuban explains he will ask both men three questions.

First question, "Why do you feel you'll win this Sunday?"

SHEAMUS: "On June 27, 2002, John Cena made his WWE debut. It took him three years to win his first world championship. What took him years will take me weeks. I've never been beaten - not int his ring, on the street, nowhere!"

CENA: "No comment."

Next question, "Are either of you concerned about the dangers that this match will impose this Sunday?"

Sheamus: "It's obvious taht Cena isn't concerned enough! last week, Cena, you said you wanted to cash in your rematch clause at TLC against me. If you think you're going to be in any codition to face me, you're even dumber than I thought! I'm not finished! The best case scenario for you is that you lose your WWE Championship. Your worst? I'm going to put you throuh a table not once, but twice, and I'm going to watch your backbone shatter. Because you have never, NEVER faced anyone like me! You title, your health, your state of mind ... thsi Sunday you're going to lose EVERYTHING!"

CENA: Cena grabs the mic, starts to stand up, but then sits back down. "No comment."

Finaly question, "This Sunday at TLC, the time to talk will be over. Considering the match is just six days away, is there anything either of you would like to say to your opponent?"

John Cena stands up. "Acutally, Mark, I've got a question for Sheamus!" Cena stands up and faces his opponent. "I couldn't notice that you talk a lot, I hope you believe what you are saying. 2002... I've been here for seven years. Sevean years time I faced everybody from champions to number one contenders to hot shots to hall of famers. I've faced everyone from Shawn Michaels to Kevin Federline.

All of them just like you Sheamus, I never went to them, they all came to me. A lot of times I was the man to beat just because they wanted to wipe the smile off my face. A lot of guys said they were going to end my career, take my championship, I'd ever be the same. Seven years, I've been beaten, I've been batered, I've been operated on. I've been kicked to the rafters, beaten with chairs, been in areana with thousands behind me... been in arenas with thousands who can't stand me. But seven years I'm still standing up.

I believe in hustle, in loyalty, in respect! I believe very much that I've earned the right to say THE! CHAMP! IS! HERE! It is you, sir, who better believe in what he says, because in seven years you should believe that a cheap shot and a slam through the tables hasn't slowed me down one bit, but isntead you have made me VERY, VERY ANGRY. You're right, Mr. Cuban, at TLC the talk is over. On Sunday you better back up what you say, or I'll be the guy that makes you a footnote in WWE history! Let this sink in - you impress me, but not for one second do you intimidate me!"

Sheamus flips over a table and steps towards Cena. Cena picks up his chair and throws it out of the ring, then knocks over his table and the podium. Mark Cuban tries to step in, Sheamus throws him aside, then cheap shots Cena with a boot to the face. Sheamus picks up a chair and throws it out of the ring, throws the podium aside, then grabs a table and sets it up in the corner. Cena gets to his feet and Sheamus kicks him down again.

Mark Cuban groggily pulls himself up by the ropes, Sheamus looks him over, Cuban staggers towards him, chest out, then flatly knocks Sheamus on his ass! Sheamus looks up shocked as Cuban pounds on his chest. Sheamus stands up, glares at Cuban... they get nose-to-nose... Sheamus rams forwards and nails Cuban in the gut with a knee. Sheamus walks around Cuban, picks him up by his head, puts him on his shoulder, parades around the ring and then drives him through the table!

Sheamus raises his hands and declares he'll be WWE champion. Sheamus leaves the ring as a few of Cuban's Mavs player jump over the ring barrier to chase him off. Cena gets to his feet, stares down Sheamus and strips off his shirt as we go off the air.

That's it, kiddos! Join us tomorrow night on Ring the Bell as we run down this episode of WWE Raw as well as other events over the weekend.

Share |