Tha Raw Report

Raw is live from Madison Square Garden in Manhattan, New York with Guest Host Rowdy Roddy Piper! (damn you Homeland guys who didn’t let me in ! – I should be there live!). I wish WWE would have more former wrestlers or wrestling alumni host the show.

We open with Piper and the Iron Chef, oops it’s the Iron Sheik, who seems to trip out at the mention of Hulk Hogan’s name…odd. New Raw opening video and like Piper and crew said "Live from New York, it’s Monday Night Raw!" The Heavyweight Champion is on Raw tonight! The Undertaker!

Out comes the U.S. Champ, The Miz who gets booed before he says one word. The Miz disses the Yankees while in NY. Not a good look, just ask Dan-e-o who was booing the Yanks while we watched a game at the old Yankee Stadium. I had to move seats before a fight broke out. New Yorkers take their sports team seriously.

The Miz faces MVP who’s comes to the ring sportin' a Yankees Hat. Miz takes it to MVP, but Montel schools the Miz. They take it outside and Miz slams MVP's head into the ring post before throwing him back in the ring and failing at a pin attempt.

Some sort of cross face to Montel who gets out of the hold and MVP brings the aggression. MVP sets up the Rock jack move of the century. He goes for the Playmaker and a cover but The Miz kicks out. Miz takes it to the corner then hits MVP with the Skull Crushing Finale. Miz gets the win.

Ok we got one guy with a wack name and a wack finisher name who fought a guy who stole his elbow drop set up from the Rock and catch phase from a rapper. I could have done without seeing these two fight.. Boooorrrrriiing!!!!

Chavo’s in the ring to face Santino who comes out rockin' a Rangers jersey. 'Bout time we seen Marella fight a normal wrestling match for once. Santino takes off the jersey to reveal a Giants jersey then to a Knicks jersey. He takes that off to reveal a Jets jersey, only to take that off to reveal a Mets jersey. He keeps stopping the match (that hasn’t started yet) to take off jerserys, next up is a Philles jersey with gets boos so Marella takes it off to a Yankees jersey to cheers and we start the match.

Chavo hits Santino with multiple suplexes then goes to the top corner. Santino rolls away every corner Chavo goes to. In comes Hornswoggle rockin' DX gear crotch chopping Chavo distracting Chavo. Santino gets the roll up and the win. I was wrong Marella wasn’t in a regular match, it was a sham.

DX’s music hits and out comes DX! Notice we have no ramp tonight, gives the show an old school feel.

HHH and Michaels come out and hype the crowd a bit, they promote their book. Again. They finally get to talking about their SS match. HHH says they’re united as long as the belt comes to DX.

Shawn goes in to the Hornswoggle situation. HHH says they will consider making Horns a member of DX if he comes out and he does come out from under the ring. He chops around the ring.

They set up the DX Intro, with Horns in the middle. Mid-way through HHH sets up Hornswoggle for the Pedegree. I saw that one coming a mile away. Hornswoggle gets carried out by DX on a DX stretcher.

That’s 35 minutes in and we had one match and one match I can’t even consider being a real match it was so retarded. More like comedy wrestling.

We get a promo of Hogan’s new DVD. What’s really going on here. They keep pushing Hulk when he just singed to TNA. Is Hogan Vince’s mole???

Jay-Z CD push on Raw. I been telling rappers for years to promote on Raw or perform on Raw. I even told Red & Meth, they shoulda been the first rappers to host Raw. Now here we got a Jay-Z promo and song to Madison Square Garden wrestling moments. Is anybody listening yet??

Nice piece though, I loved the Stone Cold Stunner to Goldberg, nice to see Andre, Flair, Albano, Owen Hart, Mr. T, Hulk Hogan and others . I’ll never forget watching WrestleMania live back in the day.

Rowdy’s in the back. Jericho interrupts Piper. Chris - Piper is you, the original. Piper brings out Chris Masters, Master’s does his boom boom boom routine. Jericho, is that a gut I see buddy? Black Eyed Peas are at ringside. (Editor's note: Fuck them).

Alicia Fox vs. Melina for the Divas Championship, which gets turned into a Divas Championship Lumber Jill’s match. The ladies surround the ring. Melina does some Matrix moves, then gets caught outside and beat down by some Jills. Back in the ring, Fox takes it to Melina but gets caught in the air.

Backbreaker to Melina by Fox and Fox misses a pin attempt. Melina wraps herself around Fox and gives her a power slam, sort of and gets the pin. Post match the divas storm the ring to beat down Melina who gets saved by the “good” Divas.

Bag pipe time and out comes Parkdale’s own Hot Rod who appeared in 13 WrestleManias by the way. Piper's lookin good with the dyed hair, smaller gut and thank God he beat cancer! Good for you Piper!

Roddy disses the cameraman and threatens him. LOL ok Piper.

Piper gives us a history lesson in his MSG past. He fought, Albano, Sammartino, Andre and Hogan in this ring. He says if you mess with Hot Rod, you're either gonna be bald or dead. He says he’s the reason Hulk Hogan’s got no hair. Classic Hot Rod! Piper says he has one last thing to do before he checks out. He says he wants one more match with Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Says Vince fired him in this building. Piper calls out McMahon!

Out comes Vince in a pin stripe suit, swagger and all. Vince gets in the ring and disses Piper’s dye job on his hair. Low blow. He says he agrees Piper has done a lot of bad things in MSG. He says the worst thing he done in MSG is show up tonight. McMahon disses Roddy’s body up and down, face and all.

Piper and McMahon go back and forth dissing each other. McMahon says he’s always looked better than all the wrestlers he has ever faced and announces his official retirement from ring action.

Piper challenges Vince for a match tonight. A street fight!

So…the Celtic Warrior retired Jamie Noble. Shameus comes out and dares anyone to step in the ring with him tonight. If they have the guts. No response from the back and Shameus steps out of the ring. He attacks a crew member.

A lot of heat for Shameus and then The King steps up and gets kicked in the face. Why hasn’t a wrestler come out to fight this guy yet?

Shameus storms off and the victims get attention from the refs to see if their ok. What was the point of this? I was expecting a challenger to come out. Even if they got they ass whooped.

So let’s see we’re 1 hour and 23 minutes in and we have had two real matches. The Miz vs MVP which sucked and a Divas match which really wasn’t all that good but it does qualify as a real, normal match.

Finally a match and…here we go, again a rematch. What a surprise. It’s Jack Swagger who has no fucking swag versus Evan Bourne. Evan should be fighting Rey Mysterio. They look to be about the same size. Bourne reminds me of Cody Rhodes for some reason. BTW where is Legacy tonight???

Swagger takes it to Bourne but Jack falls victim to Evan’s high flying. Bourne off the top ropes and fails at a pin attempt. Swagger manhandles Evan then hits him with a power bomb and gets the pin.

The Brothers of Destruction reunite on SmackDown! this Friday to face Jerishow, looks like it could be a good match!

Rowdy’s in the ring after the commercial. We wait for Vince to come out. And here comes Randy Orton!

Cowboy Bob was Piper’s cohort back in the day so this should be interesting. Randy says Piper has a big problem 'cause he’s here. He is the Legend Killer. Kick to the gut of Piper by Orton. Piper hits back, but gets beat down with Randy stomping him with the boots. Orton sets up for the punt and out comes Kofi Kingston.

Kofi gives it to Randy and even fights him down the aisle while Piper cheers Kofi on. They take it to the crowd. Back to the ring area and Randy has Kofi on the ground working on his leg.

He bangs Kofi’s head off the stairs then takes him in the ring and sling shots his head into the bottom rope. Orton sets up Kofi for the punt but Kofi jumps up and takes it to Orton.

Outside the ring they go at it and Randy gets thrown into the ring wall. They spill back to the crowd area until the officials break it up.

Randy breaks free and attacks Kofi again. Then Kingston does the same while Randy’s restrained by the refs. Back into the crowd and Kofi gets the best of Randy even knocking his head off a railing and throwing Orton into the tech area.

Kofi hits Randy in the head with a road case and knocks Randy out stone cold. The engineer is guarding the console as Kofi goes up to the railing to hit Randy through the table he’s lying on. The refs restrain Kofi but Kofi breaks free from the refs and goes up to the railing and hits Randy through the table and the crowd goes bananas.

Does this mean Piper’s not fighting Vince McMahon tonight in a street fight??? I guess not, but WTF? Why even tease us? I got the feeling Roddy went off the cuff with that one.

The new Raw Theme song is by Nickleback. Interesting.

Cena is in the back running his mouth again. Overweight NWO Telli Savalous? Huh, what? John gets interrupted and gets a piece of paper and says he made a mistake, SS is not a handicap match, it’s a triple threat match. Cena says’s he’s ready. This whole match has been poorly hyped. It’s almost like no one is taking it seriously. Will we see the break up of DX? Again. That’s the only thing that makes any sense at this point but this is the WWE so that doesn’t really matter now, does it?

Jerishow vs Cena and the Undertaker vs. DX in the main event. Finally a match! At the end of the show. Orton and Kofi wasn’t a sanctioned match but I’ll count it cause someone actually had a good fight tonight. It figures the guys not having a match have the best fight of the evening.

Jesse “The Body” Venture is next week’s Guest Host. Now that’s what I’m talking about!

Jeri-show and DX make their way out, then Cena. Then…the smoke starts and the lights go out.

The shrouded monks carrying fire make their way out. The bell rings. The Phenom comes out from the smoke. Definitely the best ring entrance in all of wrestling has to go to The Undertaker.

Especially if you’ve seen it live. Taker is getting old though like the rest of 'em. Flair, Hogan, Sting. How long can these guys wrestle??

HHH and Taker and Show start it off. Taker and HHH go toe to toe. They both attack the Big Show.

Show gets clotheslined to the outside by the Undertaker. Taker goes in on HHH until Trips turns it around enough to tag to Michaels. Undertaker and Michaels go at it. Catwalk by Shawn, Show is back in and catches Michaels. Show tags in Jericho, Walls of Jericho to Shawn till Taker catches Jericho.

Cena tags in and HHH tags in. Cena and HHH are face to face. Then they go at it until the Big Show gives Cena and HHH a double chokeslam. Taker comes in and attacks Show.

Show and Taker on the outside and Show gives Taker and Irish Whip into the ring wall. Jericho goes for the cover on Cena in the ring but John kicks out. Michaels tags in and goes at Chris. Shawn goes to the top rope and hits the flying elbow.

He tunes up the band but Cena comes in and he misses Chris. Cena sets up Shawn and goes for the STFU but HHH tagged in while Shawn was in the air. HHH cleans house. HHH to pedigree Cena till Show interrupts but gets caught in Sweet Chin Music.

Code Breaker by Jericho to Michaels. Undertaker choke slams Jericho but Cena catches HHH and gets the pin. Winner - Cena and Undertaker! Undertaker grabs Cena and gives him a tombstone piledriver. We go off the air with The Undertaker in the ring, in the blue light darkness!

The last match was good but I wanted to see Piper – McMahon. Way to go Rowdy on beating cancer! Survivor Series this Sunday! Are you ready?

Tha Results:

The Miz def. MVP
Santino Marella def. Chavo
Malena def. Alicia Fox
Shameus def. No one
Jack Swagger def. Evan Bourne
Cena & Undertaker def. DX & Jerishow

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