Killa Kev's Raw Report

We start the show with Justin Roberts introducing Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne already in the ring with "Crazy Train" playing for the introduction. Ozzy gets the fans on their feet as he welcomes them to the show. Sharon then shows us several clips of Ozzy's previous appearances for WWE.

My friend Stephanie just asked me, "Wow, he doesnt' have anything left in his head, does he?" I laughed, and then at that time Sharon asked Ozzy if he remembered any of that, and Ozzy truthfully admitted he didn't.

All of this is interrupted by THE MIZ, comes out and asks Sharon is going to have a crazy night. Miz says he's a bigger star than all the Osbournes and we get into this annoying back-and forth "REAAALLLY?" argument. Miz complains about losing by count-out last week, and he wants the Osbournes to erase the match from the WWE annals. Ozzy retorts, "Who the bloody hell are YOU?" Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase decide to interrupt next, and come out to bitch about Kofi Kingston wrecking the Randy Orton NASCAR.

Miz tells them to wait their place in line, his business comes first. Big Show then interrupts and tells the Osbournes not to listen to the complainers, then bitches about getting beat up by everybody else last week. Ozzy tries to apologize, Big Show says it isn't his apology he wants, but a personal apology from EVERY member of the Raw roster, or he's going to beat them up And then we get D-X... ugh. this show can suck it already. Triple H says he came out to save the show from the ratings taking a dump. Triple H shill's Ozzy's new book, as well as their own.

D-X then takes control of the whole segment and start whispering shit into the Osbourne's ear. Ozzy announces that The Miz will fight "Evan Braun" (BRAUN?) for the US title. BRAUN? REEAAALLLY? And then Sharon says that it will be Randy Orton vs. KOBI Kingston. *sighs* Big Show takes the mic and says he knows how to play this game. Triple H then tells Ozzy to announce John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. Big Show as the main event. Big Show complains, Sharon tells him to suck it or something.

The WWE Rewind is Evan Bourne beating The Miz by countout after Jack Swagger distracts him.

WWE United States Championship: champion Mike "the Miz" Mizanin vs. Evan "Air" Bourne

Bourne is quickly grounded by Miz but a Bourne recovers and goes on an assault with the knees. Miz gives the knees back to Bourne after a pin attempt, then starts wearing down Bourne, Bourne counters with innovative defensive measures into pin attempts. Bourne hits a kick to Miz's back after bouncing off the corner, pin attempt, tries for Air Bourne but Miz rolls out of the way and takes the match with the Skull Crushing Finale.

After the break josh Matthews interviews Sheamus, asks him if he has anything he wants to say or do to impress the guest hosts. Sheamus says Ozzy's career was over long ago, and after tonight he'll end Jamie Noble's career as well.

Sheamus O'Shanussey vs. Jamie Noble

Sheamus beats the shit out of Noble until Noble is curled up in a fetal position in the corner and the referee stops it. Sheamus then puts Noble on the top turnbuckle and kicks him off, Noble lands on the floor. Some jerk at ringside shouts "Give 'em some more! Do it again!". Sheamus picks up Noble and powerbombs him on the floor. Referees run out to stop it. Noble moans in pain. BRUTAL.

DID YOU KNOW? That WWE beat the ratings for all of NBC, CW & Fox's programming last Monday night? No shit? Could it be because most people were watching Monday Night Football? Hm.

We replay the last week of the feud between Kofi Kingston and Randy Orton. After we replay it all, Josh Matthews interviews Kingston. Kingston says that Orton is upset that he won't get another shot at the WWE Championship and wants to take it out on somebody. Kingston says that he is standing up to the bully and enjoyed destroying his car last week. Orton should take a look in the mirror and take a hard look at who he is now.

Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston

Orton circles the ring around Kignston and then slaps him in the face. Kingston returns the slap, they trade some punches and kicks before Orton throws him into the corner. Kingston will not lay down, and after Orton tries to escape, Kingston drags his ass back in the ring. Legacy run down and pull Orton out of the ring, Kingston takes them all out with a suicida. The trio surround the ring, the Osbournes come on the TitanTron and turn this into a six-man tag, out comes MVP & Mark Henry after this commercial break.

Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase, Jr. vs. Kofi Kingston, Montel Vontaveous Porter & Mark Henry

We come back with Kingston slinging everybody outof the ring, tagging in Porter and they double team Dibiase with the Boom Drop and the BALLIN~! elbow drop, Porter covers, two count. Henry tags in and delivers a head butt.

DiBiase tags in Rhodes, and both men eat a clothesline from Henry. Porter tags back in, rushes Rhodes in the corner, eats a boot to the face. Orton tags in and beats Porter down in his corner. DiBiase & Rhodes trade tags and keep Porter down. Orton tags in for some domination, blows out his knee on a kneedrop from the top turnbuckle, but recovers and sacrifices his body to stop Porter from making the tag.

Henry eventually tags in to clean house, singles out Rhodes in the corner for a giant splash. Orton attacks from behind, tries to take him out with the RKO, Kingston dropkicks Orton in the face, both go outside. Rhodes tries to leap onto Henry's back, Henry turns around and catches him in mid-air, delivers the World Strongest Slam for the victory. After the match Kingston gets on the ropes and taunts Orton.

Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne's "Raw's Got Talent"

Our guest hosts are in the ring, introduced by Jerry "the King" Lawler, who introduces our third guest, The Great Khali & Rungen Singh. And I can already tell you who will be in this segment: Santino Marella, Jillian Hall, and Chavo Guerrero.

And, yep, first person out is Marella, who says he's going to bite a head off a bat... man. Pulls out a Batman figurine. He does kinda look like a young Ozzie though. Marella gets buzzed off the stage.

Second up... Chris Masters? OK this is actually great, He makes his pectoral muscles dance in tune to "Crazy Train" Everybody loves this. It's hilarious. Lawler throws the buzzer, Sharon gets pissed at him, "He's gorgeous!" Even Khali says he was mesmerzied. Finally... Chavo Guerrero and Jillian Hall. SURPRISE. I'm sure this is supposed to be an Ozzy Osbourne song, but they've butchered it from the start and I don't even recognize it.They get zonked and Hall says Sharon is jealous.

Sharon calls her a cow and tells her to get off the stage. Jillian comes down and gets in her face, singing some Brittany Spears, and Sharon decks her. Guerrero tells Ozzy to control his wife, Ozzy laughs and says, "Well, maybe you can control her, I can't!" They get in each other's faces, and Khali decides to take a stand. Guerrero backs off, but not far enough, he takes a Khali Chop.

And here comes Hornswoggle, dressed as Jack Osbourne (apparently the late 90s version because Jack Osbourne hasn't had the shaggy hair, scruffy beard and fat ass for a long time now). UGH. One "Jackpole Splash" on Chavo.

I hate this show with the power of a thousand burning suns.

Six Diva Battle Royal - #1 Contender for WWE Divas Championship: Eve Torres vs. Gail Kim vs. Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox vs. Nickie & Brie Bella

Gail Kim is first eliminated "accidentally" by Kelly Kelly. Eve Torres starts cleaning up the ring as Jack Swagger come sdown. Both the Bellas are eliminateed by being dropkicked through the MIDDLE of the ropes. Torres notices Swagger, which allows Alicia Fox to throw Torres over the top.

Kelly Kelly tries to eliminate Fox over the top via a Fireman's Carry, then takes FOREVER and a fucking day to pull off that stupid cartwheel elbow. Uh, yeah, the one that JUST cost her a match last week against Alicia Fox on Superstars. And, DUH, Fox scouts her again, block it, and throws her over the top. Alicia Fox is once again #1 Contender.

We replay Sheamus' attack on Jamie Noble, we're told he is going to the hospital. Translation: "We wish Jamie Noble all the best in his future endeavors.

We replay the recent events between Dave Batista and Rey Mysterio on SmackDown. If you haven't been keeping up, Batista blames Mysterio for costing him the WWE World Heavyweight Championship last month at Bragging Rights, and attacked Mysterio after the match. Last week Mysterio tried to bring resolution to their friendship, Batista made it known that their friendship is now over.

Backstage Chris Jericho approaches the Osbournes, bitches them out about not respecting him, starts gloating about his talents etc. Jericho then says that Ozzy was his hero when he was a kid and how he wanted to be just like Ozzy. But he figured out he didn't need the fans and he's now better them, and Ozzy, and that he had never be disrespected again. Jericho leaves, Ozzy acts seriously confused about who this guy was.

Elsewhere backstage, D-Generation X has Hornswoggle strung up on a door backstage practically begging him to not immitate them again, at least for two weeks. John Cena comes over and brings him down, and says it's bad luck to hang a leprechaun on a hook. He then tells them that Hornswoggle knows more than he lets on, it's why they're in the triple threat match at Survivor Series.

D-X picks on Cena and says they're not worried about it because both of them have defeated Cena. Cena goes on a rant that ends with "We all beat each other!" and then pan over to the Bella Twins, who act freaked out and leave. Cena goes on an epic ramp and finishes with "You got two words for me? I got four words for ya - THE CHAMP IS HERE!" and then shucks and jives off the camera. Shawn Michaels gets pissed that Cena stole their material.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. WWE Unified Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho vs. WWE Unified Tag Team Champion Big Show (non-title match)

Shawn Michaels and Triple H join the show at ringside commentary and start yukking it up as we go to break. We come back and Cena's thrown Big Show into the ringpost, then tries to pin Jericho i the ring. Big Show pulls Cena out and beats him down. Jericho joins him in beating down Cena, and they take their turns picking Cena apart.

But Cena gets in just enough offense that it brings Jericho and Big Show to odds, and Big Show piefaces Jericho out of the ring. Cena escape's Big Show's choke slam, tries for the Attitude Adjustment but Big Show squashes him. Big Show tries for a splash in the corner, Cena rolls out of the way, blocks a few more of Big Show's attacks and shoulder tackles him out of the ring. Jericho tries to take advantage but runs right into a few drags, a few shoulder blocks and the side slam, followed by some Five Knuckle Shuffle.

Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Jericho, spins around and walks right into the KO Punch from The Big Show. Jericho ends up falling right on top and getting the pin. After the match, Big Show & Jericho shake hands, they flip Cena over and apply both the Colossal Clutch and Walls of Jericho. D-Generation X get in the ring to even the odds, Triple H eats a Codebreaker, Michaels eats the KO Punch.

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