Killa Kev's Raw Report

I have no idea who is hosting Raw tonight, nor could I care. Shawn Michaels isn't at the show, nor do I care. Oh, his daughter got sick today. I feel for the kid, I got two kids who also put vomit in my hair and shirt today. Fuck it the recap goes on!

We're LIVE from my home town of Indianapolis, IN. We start the show with Triple H in the ring, complaining that Shawn Michaels isn't here. He calls Shawn at home, Michaels explains he's home with a sick kid, they plug the new D-X book. Then the WWE Unified Tag Team Champions, Chris Jericho & Big Show come out.

Triple H stops them and hands them the new D-X book and says, ""Hold on, now, before you say anything can you just hold this up and smile in the camera?" Jericho snatches the book and throws it down. "You're standing out here by yourself, without your partner, or the offensive line of the Pittsburgh Steelers, wherever they are. Look at you. Bragging Rights is in two weeks and I've been named the captain of Team SmackDown. SmackDown... a show that just celebrated it's 10 year anniversary. SmackDown, a show that has more combined episode than Cheers or Seinfeld put together, and a show that is superior because it has Chris Jericho on it!"

Triple H counters, "I'm not going to argue with you, SmackDown is a very good show. It's a very good show with a spineless general manager that does whatever Vince says. With a grumpy little troll that runs his mouth all the time... that you! And it's also a show that features great, great wrestling... for example, the type of stuff by The Great Khali. It's a great show, it's spectacular, but it's nowhere near in the league of Monday Night Raw!"

Jericho responds, "I guess we'll find out at Bragging Rights who has the dominant show. I can tell you who has the best team, captained by a shining knight like me, and not a bunch of delinquents like Shawn and you. And even though my partner, the Big Show, is technically a part of the Raw roster, I want him to be on my team for Bragging Rights!" Triple H looks at Big Show, "So, is that how that goes? You just do what he says, he's the boss of you?" Big Show says, "No, that's not the way he said it!" Triple H continues, "No, I get it, he says jump, you say how high, I get it. ON the JeriShow food chain, he's on top. Since he's the one pitching out all the ideas, that makes him the pitcher, which by process of elimination makes you the catcher!"

"WOAH! NO NO NO. Jericho and I, we're equals. Truth be told, if anything, I'm the one who kinda carries this team." Triple H cocks an eyebrow, "You carry the team?" Big Show says, "Yeah!" Jericho looks up at Big Show with a stupid look. "What did you just say?" Big Show looks down at him. "You heard me. I'm not the one that got pinned last week." "Really?" responds Jericho. "Well I'm not the one who is the laughing stock of 'SportsCenter' after getting pinned by Shaquille O'Neal."

Big Show laughs. "Okay, well at least Shaquille O'Neal is seven foot two. I didn't get punked out by a 200 year old fossil named Bob Barker." The fans go "OOOH!" Jericho says, "I told you I will fight Bob Barker anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and you know that! You know I am also the best in the world at what I do. Look at you, you're a brand new man, new outfit, new look, you're a brand new man! You're a champion now! You're not the guy who got knocked out at WrestleMania XXIV by Floyd Mayweather!" They go off-mic and start arguing, then Big Show turns around to Triple H. "Hunter, you know what, I've changed my mind. I don't want be on Team SmackDown at Bragging Rights, I want to be on Team Raw!"

Triple H: "Hold one, one second, I want to get this straight. You want to be on Team Raw? That's AWESOME! Big Show wants to be on Team Raw! Too bad we don't have any spaces open! But, hang on, I talked to our guest host tonight, and I can get you to earn your way into the Raw team. You just have to beat somebody tonight." Big Show says, "Great, who do I have to beat? I'll beat anybody!"

Triple H finishes: "That's awesome! Your opponent tonight? CHRIS JERICHO!" The fans pop. "Oh, and I forgot to mention... that match is now!"

"The World's Largest Athlete" The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho

It's on, both men shake hands after talking some smack. We lock up, Big Show puts Jericho in the corner and then playfully rubs his hair. Jericho tries to laugh it off, but is clearly embarrassed. They lock up again, referee wants a break in the corner, Big Show pats Jericho on the ribs like he's a kid, then backs out again. Jericho talking a little game, lock up again, Jericho tries for a reverse waist lock. Big Show pulls the arms apart and plants his ass in Jericho's chest, sending him into the corner. Big Show comes over to see if he's okay, Jericho whips him into the corner and chops him in the chest. Big Show frowns, whips Jericho into the corner then lays a big open-palm slap across the chest. Jericho falls out of the ring, holding his chest in pain.

Jericho steps back through the ropes, then back out to break the count. Big Show has a HUGE welt on his chest! Jericho back up on the apron then off again. Big Show leans over the ropes, picks up Jericho by his head, like it's a bowling ball, and puts him back in the ring! Big Show tells Jericho to settle down, Jericho slaps his hand away a few times, then shoves him off. Big Show wants a hand shake. Jericho shoves Big Show some more, piefaces him. Big Show grabs Jericho by the throat, tells him off, and then shoves him into the corner. Big Show turns his back, Jericho charges and tries for the CodeBreaker. Big Show picks him up by the throat and puts him on the top turnbuckle, again asks him to calm down. Jericho slaps him across the face, and Big Show gets angry and slaps Jericho in the chest again, sending him down to the floor.

Jericho holds his knee in agony, pulls down his kneepad. Big Show leaves the ring to check on him. Jericho gets up to his feet at the seven count, and then dashes for the ring. Big Show grabs him by one leg and yanks him back out to the floor, then slides into the ring himself, Jericho is unable to get back to his feet to beat the count.

WINNER: Big Show, by countout. Big Show now earns his spot on Team Raw to join D-Generation X, four more spots are open for the Team Raw spots and will face off against Chris Jericho & Team SmackDown. Access Hollywood host Nancy O'Dell is our guest host tonight, but Maria Menounous is our special correspondent for tonight. She's backstage interviewing Legacy. They both admit that they're banged up, but that they're ready to fight tonight for a slot on Team Raw. Maria informs them that Triple H has put both of them in a Triple Threat match against John Cena, only ONE of them will join the team.

WWE Divas Championship: champion Mickie James vs. Jillian Hall

OK, I guess this makes as much since as anything. Michael Cole is fucking up the results of last week's Diva Bowl, says that James pinned McCool, when she actually pinned Alicia Fox. Who cares though. We lock up, Hall with the side headlock, James with a forearm shot to break, whip off the ropes, Hall floats over and nails James with a Monkey Flip, but James lands on her feet, hits a Thesz Press, throws some punches, a standing dropkick, cover and a two count. James with a kick to the midsection, goes for the Laree DDT. James blocks it and tries for a Facebuster, but she BOTCHES it, James covers with a Jack knife into a cover, two count.James whips Hall into the corner, charges, Hall ducks out of the way, turns around and slams James to the mat with a powerbomb! Hall rolls up James, referee goes for the count, Hall props her feet on the middle rope, James feet are on the bottom rope, and the referee slaps out a three count!

WINNER and NEW WWE DIVAS CHAMPION, JILLIAN HALL??? Wow WTF happened here?? James' feet were all in the ropes, you couldn't have missed it. James looks like she's out cold in the corner. Hall takes the mic, "Everybody grab your cameras! Photographers, gather 'round! Take a look at ME! Your new Divas Champion! Thank you, thank you! The only thing that would make this moment better is if I could sing my new favorite song by Lady Gaga!"

Guest host Nancy O'Dell comes out, "Jillian, please! Jillian! Please, you have to stop it, my ears are hurting so badly right now! I'm sorry to cut the celebration short, but, you see, I made a phone call to the other GMs over the weekend, and I made a major divas trade! The good news is that you're still on Raw. The bad news is that you have to defend your title against Raw's newest acquisition RIGHT NOW! And she knows a thing or two about the paparazzi!"

WWE Divas Championship: champion Jillian Hall vs. Melina Perez

Jillian kisses her title once before it's taken away for the last time. Jillian tries to take it away, screaming, "It's mine! It's mine! I won it!" as the ring bells. Hall charges Perez, Perez tries for a high kick, but JILLIAN FUCKS THAT SPOT UP TOO! Perez covers with a literal cover, two count. Perez then sets up for her version of the Canadian Destroyer and ends this fucking botchamania.

WINNER and NEW WWE DIVAS CHAMPION, MELINA PEREZ! OK, that was an unnecessary clusterfuck to transition the title, but at least Raw has a little more star power back. UNFORTUNATELY it's another fucking babyface, which doesn't HELP anything.

NEXT WEEK'S GUEST HOST: SNOOP DOGG in Jacksonville, Florida! Awesome! I bet he won't do a damn interactive thing, though.

Backstage Triple H is talking to Shawn Michaels on a conference call, but is actually talking TO a cardboard cutout of Michaels. Suddenly HBK's music plays and Triple H does a spit take, out comes Hornswoggle dressed as HBK! Michaels says he's going to go in the other room and see what's going on. Triple H puts the phone on mute and tells Hornswoggle that this is gimmick infringement, and he better get those clothes off before Michaels sees it! Too late, Michaels sees it and throws a fit. Hornswoggle attacks the cardboard cutout and delivers some "Sweet Knee Music". Triple H tries to pull Hornswoggle off, but Hornswoggle puts his crotch in Triple H's face, then delivers a crotch chop and leaves.

SO, WHICH DIVA GOT TRADED TO SMACKDOWN? We'll find out after Raw on WWE.com tonight. Backstage Beth Phoenix runs into Nancy O'Dell & Maria Menounous and says that she heard that SHE was the one traded to SmackDown. O'Dell says that it's true and it's a done deal! Beth Phoenix demand that she call Teddy Long and trade her back. Maria Menounous makes some crack and Phoenix nearly chokeslams her through a wall. Santino Marella is there and tries to pull her off, tells Marella not to touch her and some bullshit went down that I couldn't keep up with. Ugh. I QUIT! I thought we were going to find out who was traded AFTER the show? But it gets spoiled?

Lex Lugar breaks in and shouts "I DUNNO!" Neither do I. Fuck this. I quit. Seriously, I quit. I'll post the win-loss for the rest of the night. If somebody wants this job, they can have it. I can't take this shit anymore.

Triple Threat Match for a Spot on Team Raw: John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase, Jr.

Cena starts off as SuperCena, eventually Rhodes & DiBiase team together to cut Cena down. Cena fights back, clotheslines Rhodes out of the ring, DiBiase takes down Cena, cover, two count, commercial. We come back and Cena has fought back again, but neither DiBiase nor Rhodes will let their partner get a pin. DiBiase is sent out of the ring, Rhodes gets his one-on-one shot with Cena, Cena fights back again, finally get a pin attempt that DiBiase would break it up. Michael Cole is annoying the FUCK out of me by trying to explain why nobody will let anybody get a pin. Cena busts out the double-man suplex on Legacy, Rhodes is clotheslined back out of the ring, Cena hulks up, hits his power moves, does the same to Rhodes, drop toe hold into the STF on DiBiase. Randy Orton runs into the ring, then back out to distract Cena. Cena watches the ropes, Rhodes slides in and pins DiBiase with a roll-up.

WINNER: Cody Rhodes by pinfall. Randy Orton immediately gets into the ring and is in Rhodes' face. DiBiase is upset, they're all in the ring arguing, Cena walks up the ramp laughing. Nancy O'Dell on the TitanTron tells them to settle down, tells Rhodes & DiBiase since that they're not getting along, they can both face John Cena & Randy Orton later tonight. Wow, WTF. UGH. Orton, DiBiase & Rhodes are all shoving each other.

UGH. This shit SUCKS.

Team Raw Qualifying Match: Montel Vontaveous Porter vs. "the All-American American" Jack Swagger

Lots of do-si-do and reversals in the first minute, Porter settles down, big clothesline on Swagger, then beats him down into the corner, Swagger cheap shots Porter and throws him shoulder-first into the ringpost. Swagger works the shoulder over. Porter is able to covercome with an armdrag, a facebuster, and the BALLIN~! elbow drop, but Swagger kicks out. Swagger finishes porter with an armbar breaker and the Gutwrench Powerbomb to finish.

WINNER: Jack Swagger, by pinfall. So Team Raw is now dominated by three heels, two of whom are from imploding tag teams, and D-X. Two slots left. Legacy are still arguing in the back, Orton again breaks them up, gives them the riot act (not sure what he is saying, I put this on mute and decided to call Lady J and announce my resignation).

Team Raw Qualifying Match: Kofi Kingston vs. Evan "Air" Bourne

This is a fucking FUN match to watch, its' a spotfest all over the place, both men selling each other's moves. Bourne tries for his standing moonsault, Kingston hits him with a fucking European Uppercut that sends Bourne to the moon! Bourne fights his way back, tries for a cross-body block off the corner but Kingston kills him by leaping in mid-air and nailing him with a spin-kick right into the chest.

WINNER: Kofi Kingston. There was some more backstage shit with Triple H and his Shawn Michaels cut-out that I didn't pay attention to.

"The Glamazon" Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox & Rosa Mendes vs. Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounous (w/ Nancy O'Dell)

OK this was apparently set up earlier in the night backstage. Maria Menounous already shows she's a better wrestler than half the Raw roster with a nice pair of hair mares and a reverse elbow on Alicia Fox. But it's Kelly Kelly who takes out Rosa Mendes with a leg drop to the back of the head.

WWE United States Champion Mike "the Miz" Mizanin announces that in two weeks at WWE Bragging Rights he will face WWE intercontinental Champion and former partner John Morrison. All announced: WWE World Heavyweight Championship - Fatal Four-Way: champion Undertaker vs. CM Punk vs. Batista vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr.

WWE Champion Randy Orton & John Cena vs. Legacy (Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase, Jr.)

It's either a swerve, or this will be a rather uninteresting match. Cena starts out getting double-teamed by Legacy for nearly 10 minutes, Randy Orton refusing to tag in. Orton looks down at his shoes for a moment, Cena makes a break and blind tags Orton in. Cena chills on the mat and Orton is now facing the 2-on-1 competition. Orton escapes and slaps Cena in the chest to make a tag, they stare down, Cena ducks a flurry of clotheslines and goes into SuperCena mode. Cena delivers the "You Can't See me" to Orton's face, goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Orton blind tags himself in and beats on Cena, DiBiase takes advantage of the distraction and rolls up Orton for the pin.

WINNERS: Legacy. Legacy composes outside of the ring, but Rhodes begs off to Orton and claims he had nothing to do with it. Orton turns around and eats the Attitude Adjustment from Cena.

Yeah. No. Fuck this bullshit. I no longer have any hope in this show. Next week John Cena will face Triple H thanks to a deal set up between Snoop Dogg and Randy Orton. But there's nothing on WWE.com about the Divas trade to SmackDown. Ugh.

FUCK IT. FAIL. MOVING ON. If you want this job, it's yours! Just speak up!

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