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9.18.2009

Tha SmackDown! Throwdown

This is not a regular thing for me covering "SmackDown!" so forgive me for not knowing who is feuding with who.

It's Friday night and I am home with a laptop and two hours to spare. The show opens with clips of Taker being screwed by Teddy Long at Breaking Point. Now live Long gets out his limo to a chorus of boos from the crowd and surrounded by security who I will assume are all workers. Dude looks all kinds of paranoid.

Now for the theme song that sounds like “Good Loving Gone Bad.”

Damn it. Already off to a bad start with The Shaminal Dave Batista coming out. JR is excited at least. This dude dresses like he shops at Fashionable Male or something. Looks like he got some more ink added to his arms. They show some footage of him and Orton from last Monday. Orton rules. I hate seeing Batista beat him. Don’t you love how fans have brand loyalty? Like "SmackDown!", "Raw", and ECW are run by different people or something. And who keeps giving him a mike? Stop it. Yay, Jericho comes out and saves us from this mess. Jericho runs his mouth until Batista mumbles and gives him a spinebuster. Damn you, Dave. Damn you.

Whoa, that’s some bad editing! One second Jericho is laid out in the ring and the next he is in Big Show’s face screaming asking him where he was. Scott Armstrong is going to be interviewed next. Maybe this will open the path for Road Dogg coming back. By the way, this isn’t wrestling related, but they play this Just For Men commercial where these little girls get their dad to dye his hair and get happy when he sends a photo of his date. “Hooray! Daddy is gonna get laid!”

Back and Dolph Ziggler is sitting at the announce table John Morrison is up next. I don’t like the idea of an entire Hell In A Cell PPV. His opponent the Hillside Strangler Mike Knox is out and looking a little less flabby. Maybe he got his box he left at his old house back. Why is he talking about Restless Leg Syndrome?! Morrison points out a sign that says “I Have Better Abs Than Morrison.” Knox does what Knox does: brawl. Damn Morrison is quick! Everything he does looks beautiful. I bet his dookie has glitter. After a high flying move from the apron we go to another damned commercial. Seriously?

Back and Knox is in control. Knox gets Morrison with a awesome bicycle kick to the back of the head that should’ve ended the match but doesn’t. Morrison reverses a backbreaker in a tilt-a-whirl DDT. That was cool, dude. Hard knee by Morrison followed by a standing Shooting Star Press for two. Knox with a big ass cross body for two. Flying kick followed by Starship Pain! Its over. That move is just crazy. Dolph has been babbling the entire match but not saying anything worth writing.

They recap Armstrong helping Punk steal the title. Josh Matthews is interviewing him. Armstrong says he didn’t want to do what he did but had to answer to a higher power. Who is it? Vince? Linda? Jesus?! We’ll have to wait and find out. That was a waste of time.

The next match is Melina versus Michelle McTaker. McCool comes out limping. Her acting is worse than her finisher. I still cant get over seeing a Black referee in the ring. Lots of screaming and hair pulling until Melina wins with an Ace of Spades. Until she calls it something else that’s what I’m sticking with calling it.

Teddy Long is in the back worried. Vince McMahon shows up and wants a word. Vince wants to know where his photo is on the wall. Vince is happy Batista is back. Probably so they can sit around counting the veins on each others arms. Long is getting punked out. After the break he comes out to explain why he screwed Undertaker. And ANOTHER recap. Long wants to apologize to everyone for what happened at Breaking Point. Its been almost an hour and there’s been two matches. Long is walking to the back and I am just waiting for Taker to show up. A camera is inside the limo.

A fucking camera. Is inside. The limo.

Am I 7 years old?! What the hell am I watching?! The limo is filling with smoke. There are purple lights. This is just fucking insulting. Taker tells Long to buckle up and they drive off. I am left staring at my TV and rethinking covering this shit. A fucking camera was inside the limo, ya’ll. I’m not kidding. With smoke and rave lighting. For even agreeing to this Taker should have his streak end at the hands of Hornswaggle. Back from the commercial and they should be ashamed to replay this. I wouldn’t be able to call this with a straight face. Taker put lightning in the limo.

CM Punk comes out and the crowd boos the crap out of him. He brags about how he told everyone that he would beat Jeff Hardy and Undertaker. He is spending more time complaining than the last match was. I don’t hate Punk. I don’t like Punk. He’s just some dude that wrestles. A “Boring!” chant breaks out. I agree, Canada. This is boring. It’s the same exact speech every time. Uh-oh. Punk called himself a prophet. Tha O Show’s Black Prophet wont like that at all. Punk finishes and I am shocked Bathroom Break didn’t try and raise his streak.

Speaking of Black Prophet his favorite tag team Cryme Tyme is about to wrestle. Eve Torres is hot but there’s something about her that’s off. I think she looks like a cat. The crowd screams for The Hart Dynasty. Damn, Natalya looks hot tonight. Smith and Shad start off. Smith gives a little Cabbage Patch to JTG who is watching his boy get his ass beat. Tyson Kidd gets bench pressed in the air and rolls out. Back from the break and Shad and Kidd are going at it until Smith takes him down with a clothesline. This match is rather dull. The crowd has gotten all kinds of silent. Stan Hansen just spun in his grave because JR said Shad’s clothesline was like his. Crowd boos JTG’s offense on Kidd. Kidd pins JTG with a suplex neckbreaker combo.

Melina walks into a locker room and sees pictures of Ziggler and McCool together and…

Oh, shit! Run in by Bathroom Break extending his streak to 1,298 Wins, 2 Losses, and 3 Draws. After that debacle with Taker and the limo I can only take so much.

Khali and Kane are ready to go. John Stamos is dancing around Khali like he’s a human sacrifice. Khali’s legs look like Slim Jims. “Art thou bored?!?!” I can see Bathroom Break getting ready for another NOW style run-in but this match ends rather quickly thanks to a DQ since even Kane couldn’t sit through this and nails Khali with a chair. If I were JR every time I saw Kane I would be like “This son of a bitch set me on fire! Remember that shit?!” Kane beats the ring steps, I mean Khali’s legs, with the other ring steps.

Khali was just described as “good hearted” and “likeable.” His character is now dead to me. He gets the Kane treatment and joins the club of those that shall not be named.

Drew McIntyre is set to fight Charlie Haas as R-Truth has been hurt backstage. I wonder who did it…? Drew looks like a stretched out Brian Kendrick. Fake handshake for Haas followed by a snap double arm DDT. Less than fifteen minutes to go and the main event hasn’t started. I smell DQ finish. Oh, God! Another recap of Taker and Long?!

We now have ten minutes to go and Batista is just coming out. He does his pirouette and gets to the ring. Jericho slaps the taste out of Batista’s mouth from the start. Batista shoves him to the corner. Jericho is just being manhandled. Jericho takes Batista out at the knee sending him outside the ring before tossing his head against the announce table. Jericho keeps working the bad leg. I’m just waiting for The Shaminal to tear a muscle. Bossman Slam by Batista with no cover. Lionsault by Jericho who lands on his feet. Spinebuster by Batista. Kick to the head to reverse Batista Bomb. Dive by Jericho is stopped by a clothesline by Batista. Spear dodged by Jericho for a 2. Another Batista Bomb reversed into a Walls of Jericho. Batista kicks out. Jericho with a Codebreaker which gets reversed into a Batista Bomb. That match was 6 minutes long. Big Show in the back being interviewed by Josh Matthews. Show talks trash and I guess they will fight next week. I can hardly wait to miss it!

Take care everyone!


2 comments: on "Tha SmackDown! Throwdown"

Anonymous said...

"For even agreeing to this Taker should have his streak end at the hands of Hornswaggle." O'd for this... sad but true...

BTW, Stan Hansen's still alive but I'm sure he's killing himself as we speak for the comparison.

D. Ross said...

Damn, I feel terrible. What made me think that Stan Hansen was dead? I get the whole aiming for kids and all that stuff. I have seen Taker rise from a coffin and appear on the screen. I have seen him shoot lightning bolts. But the music, effects, and camera angles for the limo thing pushed me over the edge. Thanks for commenting, Anonymous.