Killa Kev's Raw Report

We start off "Raw" with a limo in a parking garage, the driver opens the door, and out steps the Bella Twins, followed by our host for tonight, Cedric the Entertainer, and then a bunch of other people including a football coach, half a team, a grandmother, a rabbi performing a circumcision on a baby, and a farmer and his goat (who apparently drunk up all the JD & Hennesey -- the goat, not the farmer).

Shit. Now what am I going to do to get through this fucking Recap????? STEEEEEEEEEVEEE!!!!!!

"Are you ready?" booms the PA. No, I'm not ready for this shit. Ugh. We HAVE to start this with a D-X promo. Fucking figures.

"That's the breaks, little man." Indeed. Wake me up once the geriatric squad get done with their promo... or after Legacy beats their ass again. Triple H starts off, "You had better be ready, because in two weeks it is Hell in a Cell!" D-X reminds us that it was Shawn Michaels who was not only in the first-ever Hell in a Cell match, but also won the first one, and that it was Triple H who has won the most Hell in a Cell matches, five of them.

They go on to boast that Legacy has never been in a HiaC match, and that their feud will come to and end in just a few weeks. Legacy come down to start our opening match.

"The Game" Triple H (w/ Shawn Michaels) vs. Cody Rhodes (w/ Ted DiBiase, Jr.)

A small distraction from Ted DiBiase at ringside allows Cody Rhodes to get the upper-hand on Triple H, putting him in the corner and beating him down a bit. Triple H tries to reverse it and dashes into the corner, Rhodes puts a boot up to stop him and goes back to work, and finishes with him choking the shit out of Triple H until the ref drags him away. Rhodes tries to charge Triple H, but the Game side-steps him and Rhodes eats the ringpost.

Triple H gets a hand full of tights and repeats it a few more times, then drags him down to the middle of the mat with a Crippler Crossface. Rhodes is able to scramble to the edge of the ring and put a foot on the ropes for a break. Rhodes rolls out of the ring for a breather, Shawn Michaels comes over to intimidate him, Ted DiBiase comes over for support, and neither member of Legacy see Triple H setting up for the baseball slide dropkick on them. We take a commercial.

Rhodes has Triple H in a reverse chinlock as we get back to the action. Triple H working his way up to his feet, a few punches to the midsection to break it up, whips Rhodes into the ropes, ducks his head and leaves himself open for a swinging neckbreaker from Rhodes, who goes for a pin afterwards and gets a two count. Rhodes takes a few steps on Triple H's head, then beats him down into the corner. Rhodes pulls up Trips by his chin and measures out a right that puts the former champ on the ropes. Rhodes follows up with a choke on the ropes, referee pulls him off, and Rhodes occupies the ref's time to allow Dibiase to choke Triple H on the ropes.

Rhodes pulls Triple H down for a pin, Triple H immediately kicks out and tries to fight, Rhodes cuts him off with a side Russian legsweep, another pin attempt. Rhodes applies another reverse chinlock, Triple H again works his way up and uses punches to break it, Rhods clubs him in the back, kicks him in the midsection. Rhodes sets up for a NICE moonsault off the top turnbuckle, very classic form, hooks Triple H's legs for the pin, two count.

Rhodes takes a moment to go over to the ropes and tease Shawn Michaels, not seeing Triple H get to his feet and get some offensive. Rhodes fights back by kicking Triple H in his face, then charges to try to clothesline him over the top rope, but Triple H backdrops him instead. Rhodes gets to his feet and then slaps Shawn Michaels in the face. Michaels chases after him, realizes that Ted DiBiase is around the corner to cut him off. Michaels ducks the clothesline from DiBiase's ambush, takes him out with a punch, tries to do the same to Rhodes. Rhodes and DiBiase simultaneously take out Michaels with a high-low pair of clotheslines.

Michaels turns around and gets picked up by DiBiase who delivers him face-first into the announcer's table with a Flapjack. Rhodes gets back into the ring to fight Triple H, bounces off the ropes, and Triple H immediately sets him up for the Pedigree, but DiBiase runs in with a chair and plants it right in the middle of Triple H's back.

Winner: Triple H, by disqualification. Rhodes & DiBiase quickly finish off Triple H with a combination of the Crossroads and the Dream Street. They put Triple H's head inside the chair and were going to try to injure Triple H further, but Shawn Michaels recovers, pulls a sledge hammer from under the ring, and slides in the ring to chase Legacy off. Michaels checks on Triple H and gingerly helps him to his feet, Triple H leaning on Michaels for support as Legacy seethe at the top of the ramp.

Later tonight: United States Champion Kofi Kingston defends the title against "the All-American American" Jack Swagger. See you in 2-and-2!

Lillian Garcia greets us back to the show for the introduction of Cedric the Entertainer, escorted out by the Bella Twins. "What's up Monday Night Raw, baby?!" shouts the funny man. "Y'all lookin' good, baby, it's gonna be off the chain tonight! People askin' me Ced, why you be a good host tonight? Because I'm the real deal, baby, I'm a real fan! Did y'all know that Big Show drive a Prius? It took him three minutes just to get one leg out. It's crazy back there, there's a lot of second and third generation stars back there.

We got the son of 'Cowboy' Bob Orton, you know this kid? We all hate him, nobody can stand him. We got the sons of 'Million Dollar Man', Cody Rhodes... Ted DiBiase... we got the illegitimate son of Andre the Giant and King Kong Bunday - THE BIG SHOW! We got the illegitimate son of the Kool Aid Man... sorry Big Mark Henry, I had to getcha! And look at this guy, we got the son of a jackass... THE MIZ! Are y'all ready, we're gonna have a good time tonight!"

Santino Marella comes out and interrupts. "I cannot-ah believe! I'm ah standing in front of the original King of Comedy, FREDRICK THE ENTERTAINER! Hey, Fred, I'm a huge fan, I've seen all ya movies, and your all new DVD, All-Star Comedy Tour, has inspired me to follow my dream, to be a stand-up comedy man!" Cedric asks Santino if he really wants to be a comedian, and says he can set him up with somebody who can help him, and puts him on the spotlight to make his debut.

Marella says, "I hope you ah wearing a bullet proof vest, because I'm about to kill!" Marella instead bombs, and Cedric pulls a Kanye West, literally by jacking his mic and shouting, "BEYONCE HAD THE BEST VIDEO EVER!"

Next interruption is Chavo Guerrero, Jr. and Cedirc quips, "Now this guy knows comedy! Anybody who lets a leprechaun beat him every week KNOWS comedy!" Santino lets Cedric know that Chavo wasn't playing. "Chavo... Chavo... you lose to a leprechaun? YOU'RE A GROWN MAN, CHAVO!" Chavo shoots back, "Are you finished? Are you finished there, funnyman? Hornswoggle is not the problem, I figured this out. The problem is that every time I face Hornswoggle, PUNK GUEST HOSTS LIKE YOU put me in no-win situations! I'm tired of all this celebrity host junk, it's PATHETIC!"

Credit responds, "The only thing that is pathetic around here is YOU being KARATE CHOPPED BY BOB BARKER!" Santino laughs, "You didn't just say that!" Chavo interrupts, "Oh, I'm sorry, are you a tough guy now? You're a tough guy? Let me tell you the real reason I'm out here, it's to make a challenge... TO YOU, CEDRIC! TONIGHT! I want to challenge you to a match! Chavo versus Cedric! What do you think about that?"

Cedric responds, "Naw, man, I don't wrestle, I'm cool. I'm in my own battle right now, my new movie I directed, I'm battling with the start that I directed. I want you to go to fullbattle.com, I want to argue with Kel Mitchell, the star, I need y'all to help me make a decision, that's where the real battle is. " Chavo takes his mic away, "Don't change the subject, we're going to have a match, tonight!" Santino Marella takes the mic and shouts, "He accepts! Tonight it's Frederick the Entertainer and the Leprechaun Loser Chavo!" Chavo walks off, and Santino convinces Cedric that he's going to help him win the match.

We go backstage for Josh Matthews asking Mike "the Miz" Mizanin why he stole Kofi Kingston's United States Championship title last week. "Stole?I only took what is going to be mine, anyways. I look, talk, walk and AM more of a champion than Kofi Kingston ever was. The United States Champion should actually BE from the United States! I was born and raised on Cleveland, Ohio.

I didn't float up on a raft with a Bob Marley CD in my hand..." and with that, Kingston runs into the picture, mauls Mizanin from behind, picks up his belt, dusts it off, looks over at a shocked Josh Matthews and says, "Wuzzup?" before walking off. BAM! There's a fucking promo for you! That was WAY better than all that bullshit I just watched.

Evan "Air" Bourne vs. Mike "the Miz" Mizanin

Apparently Mizanin isn't too hurt from his attack, he's coming out for this match, this should be fun! Bourne taunts Mizanin, asking him where his belt is. We lock up, Mizanin puts him in the corner, referee has to drag them apart. We lock up again, Bourne gets a reverse waistlock and puts Mizanin in the corner. Mizanin grabs an arm, delivers some elbows to Bourne's face, reverses his position and beats him down, another referee pull-apart. Bourne explodes with a standing dropkick, charges Mizanin in the corner, Mizanin lifits him in the hair and drops him crotch-first on the ropes. Mizanin with an aggressive boot to the head before goign for the pin, gets a two count.

Mizanin quickly transitions into a reverse chinlock, then a double chicken wing submission. Bourne gets to his feet and fights his way out using his legs, Mizanin cuts off his offensive with some kicks of his own, stomping his opponent down into the corner. Mizanin pulls him up, whips him to the opposite side, Bourne hits chest-first, Mizanin tries to capitalize with a splash, but Bourne ducks it, grabs a leg and whips Mizanin over into a pin attempt, two count. Mizanin is immediately on Bourne, beats him down, then chokes him over the middle turnbuckle. Mizanin with a snap suplex, rolls Bourne over, cover and a two count. Mizanin back to the reverse chinlock, back into the double chicken wing submission, sitting on the back like with a Camel Clutch, but then grabs a hand full of hair and slams Bourne's head into the mat.

Mizanin drags Bourne out of the ring, works the arm over the apron, then drags Bourne's head over the apron and nails him with a knee to the face. Mizanin rolls Bourne back in the ring for a pin attempt, then back into the double underhook submission, Bourne refuses to submit. Mizanin pulls Bourne up, Bourne charges the corner and ducks down to ram Mizanin's head into the turnbuckle and break the hold. Bourne starts kicking Miz, but Miz turns around and whips Bourne into the corner and connects the the bronco-style clothesline.

Mizanin goes to the top turnbuckle for a high-risk move, doesn't pay off as Bourne hits the ropes and knocks Miz on his ass. Bourne climbs up and snaps off a Hurracanrana. Bourne then goes to the top turnbuckle for the "Air Bourne" Shooting Star Press. But, not today. Mizanin rolls into the corner to avoid it, Bourne lands on his feet, but Mizanin is already set up to deliver the Skull-Crushing Finale.

Winner: Mike "the Miz" Mizanin. We quickly play the highlights, then go to the back as Randy Orton tells Rhodes & DiBiase that after the beating they gave D-X earlier tonight, they can take the rest of the night off, he doesn't need them at the contract signing.

WWE Championship "Hell in a Cell" Match Contract Signing

We go back to the ring with Jerry "the King" Lawler for this contract signing, ring draped in red carpet, table and office chairs rolled into the ring. We recap last Monday night were Orton was defeated by Dave Batista thanks to John Cena's interference. Randy Orton enters first, grouses around the ring and then waits as John Cena arrives. Cena shows up, presents the WWE Championship belt, and then lays it on the table. Lawler quips, "As you know, these contract signing usually don't end up being civil, so I remind you that there is a NO PHYSICAL CONTACT clause in effect.

Trish Stratus made this match last week, and gave you the choice Randy Orton - you can either face John Cena in a Hell in a Cell match, or you can forfeit your right to a rematch. Here is the contract." Orton looks over the contract and signs, then says to Lawler, "NOW GET OUT OF THIS RING!" Lawler bows out. Orton stares over at Cena, "You think that you have me all figured out? You think you have me at my lowest point, my weakest? Well, you're wrong." Orton stands up and stares down Cena. "I am more dangerous than I have ever been!

I am willing to do whatever it takes to get my title back. you have never been in a Hell in a Cell match EVER, you have no idea what to expect. I have been in a Hell in a Cell, and not only do I know what to expect, but more importantly, I know what it takes to win. And I can promise you, John Cena, after this match, you will NEVER be the same."

Cena now stands up, shoves his chair back, throws off his cap and stares down Orton before picking up the mic. "I'm sorry, were you really saying something, I wasn't listening! Because I heard you say the most important words that you ever say, it was at Breaking Point... let's go to the footage!" We switch to that footage, where we get multiple replays of Orton shouting, "I quit! I quit!" Cena continues, "Good times! Good stuff!" Orton says, "You want to turn this into a joke? Is that what you want?" Cena says, "You've already turned this into a joke! I told everybody that this is what you would say, and this is what you would do.

Let's be honest with each other, I'm about to bring you up to speed on the Randy Orton - John Cena rivalry. You have pushed me harder than any other wrestler. You have tortured me, and I have made it through. So you expect me to stand across a table from you and be threatened because I've never been in a Hell in a Cell match and don't have a chance to win? Y'know what, it actually worked, here just take the WWE Championship... HAHAHAHA! That's ridiculous! But that's not the funniest part, check this out..."

Cena grabs the contract and sign it as the fans chant "CE-NA! CE-NA!" Cena continues, "This is the funny part, because now it's official! This match WILL happen! And for some reason, if for some reason, you don't win... it's your last chance! No more rematches, no more championships, YOU GET NOTHING! And Randy Orton, the once mighty leader of Legacy, who ruled Raw with an iron fist, will just become a dude in his underwear, who hangs out with two other dudes in their underwear.

THAT is the funny part! But then, we get serious... you see, through all the punishment you put me through, all the beatings, all your devious schemes, I've looked in your eyes. I know exactly what you're capable of. It's you who should be worried. You have no idea what I'm capable of. At Hell in a Cell I'm not just going to fight the good fight and never give up and try my best to win and really give it my best shot.... AT HELL IN A CELL WHEN THEY LOCK THE DOOR I WILL DESTROY RANDY ORTON!"

Cena grabs the WWE Championship and holds it above his head. Orton replies, "I would love nothing more than reach across and grab you by the neck and RKO you over this table right now! Legally I can't do that. You know what's so great about you, John? Your arrogance has caused people to despise you ever since you entered the WWE. Hell in a Cell may be in a few weeks, but I found a few individuals who have no problem with putting you through hell RIGHT NOW!"

Cena looks around and then we find out who... the WWE Unified Tag Team Champions, Chris Jericho & the Big Show, step out into the arena as their music blares. Orton steps out of the ring, Cena starts clearing the ring preparing for battle as Big Show & Jericho step into the ring, separated by the table. Big Show picks it up and throws it out of the ring.

Cena rushes Big Show, but Jericho quickly attacks from the back, and Cena's down on his back immediately, Jericho drilling him in the head, Big Show stomping. MVP & Mark Henry run down to battle Jericho & Big Show, and the tag ch amps quickly bail. Cena stands up, staggering, holding his head. Cedric the Entertainer then appears on the screen, "Settle down, guys! Guys, you couldn't have made this easier for me! I have a great idea! Tonight, you are all going to compete against each other in a six-man tag team match! Yeah! Yeeaaaaaah, baby!"

WWE Divas Champion Mickie James vs. "the Glamazon" Beth Phoenix (non-title match)

The #1 Contender for the Divas Championship, Alicia Fox, introduced at ringside to observe the match. We show the replay from last week's Raw showing Fox beating Gail Kim to get that #1 Contender spot. Our match starts, Phoenix shoves James on her back, front face lock, then goes for the slingshot suplex off the ropes! James lands on her feet, spins Phoenix around and delivers a suplex of her own, followed by a dropkick that sends Phoenix to the floor.

James leaps on the top turnbuckle and hits a Thesz Press onto Phoenix on the floor. James goes NUTS, slapping the announcer's table and then chasing after Fox when she stands up. Phoenix takes advantage of the distraction and grabs James, rams her into the ringpost. Phoenix rolls James back into the ring, pulls her up in the Chicken Wing and delivers the Glam Slam, followed by the pin.

WINNER: Beth Phoenix. Phoenix quickly leaves the ring. Alicia fox picks up the Divas Championship and admires it. Fox then steps into the ring, waits for James to get to her feet, and delivers the scissor kick to the back of James head. Fox grabs the title again, shoves it into James' face, taunts her, then raises the title over her head.

WWE United States Championship: champion Kofi Kingston vs. "the All-American American" Jack Swagger

Back from break, Lillian Garcia welcomes us into your REAL main event of the evening (fuck that bullshit six-man tag). Kingston's entrance is rather short, Swagger takes time not only to launch some pyros, but to do some inclined push-ups on the ramp for us. We square off with Swagger kicking Kingston in his chest then beating him in the back a dozen times before applying a Key Lock submission.

Kingston counters with an armdrag, a pair of double knife-edge chops, bounces off the ropes again. Swagger catches him mid-air, plants him on the top turnbuckle, Kingston tries to kick him off, Swagger picks him up and throws him down to his back, then takes Kingston's head off with a big boot to the face.

Mike "the Miz" Mizanin runs out to again steal the title off of the table, Swagger sees him, chases after him and takes his head off with a clothesline, picks it up for himself, shaking his head. Swagger puts the title on his shoulder and walks off. Referee is helping Kingston to the mat, and we go to commercial, plugging our match.

WHAT THE FUCK! Is this a no-contest, a countout, what the hell? I can see it now, this is going to end up being a 3-way dance for this title, AGAIN. AUGH!

Chavo Guerrero, Jr vs. Cedric the Entertainer w/ Special Guest Referee Santino Marella

Guerrero is introduced first, followed by Marella. Guerrero objects to Santino being involved. Cedric the Entertainer comes out with the Bella Twins, wearing an old-school pair of tights that remind you a LOT of the Junk Yard Dog! Oh, and he's got a special "Cedhammer" cape already made. And wearing a Fedora. It's almost funny. Cedric steps in the ring, takes off his hat, and even puts on a Luchadore mask! Then puts the hat back on!

LORD.

Bell rings, Guerrero rolls around the ring a few times, before we lock up, then Guerrero breaks off, taunting him. They get in each other's face, Guerrero wants a look at Cedric's fedora, but then drops it on the mat and steps on it, kicking it aside. Cedric gets in his face, Chavo piefaces him. Cedric growls a few times and slides out of the ring. Guerrero comes over and taunts him, Cedric goes under the ring. Chavo starts to step out, but then laughs and steps back in. Chavo laughs and sneaks across the ring to the other side, steps out, whispers for the crowd to be quiet, and waits for Cedric to re-emerge.

Guerrero taunts him by saying WOAH, WOAH... then laughs. OK, this isn't Cedric, the guy is about twice as tall. Guerrero laughs, then slaps him in the face. This dude chases him around the ring, Guerrero slips and falls, the guy dead lifts him into a Gorilla Press slam and throws him into the ring over the top rope. Guerrero tries to kick him, the guy catches his foot and throws him on his back. Guerrero is whipped off the ropes and takes a backdrop. Even Santino is surprised!

Chavo cowers off to the corner crying, "That ain't Cedric!" as he gets splashed. The guy bounces off the ropes and then slides out of the ring, disappearing under the ring. Out from the other side of the ring... Hornswoggle dressed just like "Cedhammer", scales to the top turnbuckle and hits the Tadpole Splash. back under the ring he goes, then Cedric re-appears, crawls back into the ring, covers for the pin.

WINNER: Cedric the Entertainer. Guerrero rolls out of the ring, Hornswoggle gets back in, and so does our mystery man. Off to commercial we go!

NEXT WEEK'S GUEST HOST: political activist Rev. Al Sharpton.

Backstage Cedric the Entertainer is trying to flirt with Kelly Kelly. Chris Jericho comes up, gets in Cedric's face and says, "We need to talk. " Cedric says, "Okay, but I'm kinda talking to Kelly here. You need a breath mint." Cedric turns around and resumes his conversation, then we se a hand on his shoulder, Cedric comes around and is now staring up at Big Show. "We need to talk." Cedric nods.

Lillian Garcia's Retirement

Back out to the ring, Jerry Lawler directs us to the center of the ring to Lillian Garcia, informing us that she is leaving us after tonight. Lillian says, "Ten years ago when I signed up for this, I never knew what kind of adventure this was going to be, and wow, this has been an adventure. I have traveled all over the world, I've met amazing people along the way. I've even gotten to sing the National Anthem before the shows, which has become so special to me even after 9/11, being able to sing for the fans, and for our troops..."

"It has been a true privilege to work with such an amazing organization, with such amazing people, the crew, the announcers, and especially the athletes, the best athletes the most talented athletes in the world, the WWE superstars. It has been an honor to announce some of the greatest matches in all of the WWE's history. So now, ladies and gentlemen, it has been the biggest honor to entertain you, and for you to love and support for me. I'm going to miss you so much, but I have to tell you that my heart will always be right here in this ring... right here for you. I LOVE YOU AND I THANK YOU!"

WWE Champion John Cena, Montel Vontaveous Porter & "the World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton & WWE Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & "the World's Largest Athlete" Big Show (non-title match)

Before the match, our lead heels are standing in the ring. Chris Jericho addresses Randy Orton. "Randy, I just wanted to tell you that we dislike John Cena as much as you do, so that is why we decided to go to our illustrious guest host, Cedric the Entertainer, to up the ante. If we lose this match tonight, the three of us, you have to face John Cena, Mark Henry and MVP in a three-on-one gauntlet match!" Orton goes nuts, Big Show calms him down, "Randy, Randy, trust us, we got this, this is what we're good at! Because if WE win tonight, then next week in this very ring John Cena has to face YOU, Chris and me in the gauntlet match. So all we have to do is win! Commercial.

We start off with John Cena and Chris Jericho, Jericho quickly gets whipped around the ring, tags in Randy Orton. Orton quickly bails the ring, Cena gives him chase around the ring until he runs into Big Show. Chris Jericho attacks Cena from behind, Randy Orton follows upand throws Cena back into the ring, beats him up, tags in Jericho. Jericho whips him around some more, delivering stomps and elbows, Orton tags back in. Orton tries to whip Cena off the ropes, Cena halts it and pulls Orton into a belly-to-belly suplex.

Both men make hot tags, Jericho and Porter, Porter misses a clothesline but doesn't miss a Beil Toss. Porter with a pair of elbows, whips Jericho into the corner, Jericho reverses, Porter floats over, Jericho eats the turnbuckle, Porter with the slam and the facebuster, setting up for the BALLIN~! elbow drop in the middle of the ring. Porter goes for the cover, Jericho kicks out. Porter sets up for the Playmaker, but Big Show is able to reach over the rope and grab Porter by his hair to break it up while Orton distracts the referee.

Big Show tags in and slams Porter, then taunts him. Big Show pulls Porter up for a headbutt, Porter tries to fight back with lefts and rights, but Big Show takes his head off with a clothesline. Big Show puts Porter in the corner with a choke, tags in Randy Orton.

Orton stomps on Porter, grabs him in a side headlock and drags him down to the mat. Porter works his way up, elbows loose, drills Orton in the face, Orton responds with a drop toe hold, knee to the back of the head, drags Porter to his corner and tags in Jericho. Jericho arrogantly walks around Porter and kicks him in the head a few times before raising his and. Porter uses the ropes to pull himself up, Jericho uses the middle rope to choke Porter then slaps him on the back of the head. Porter takes down Jericho with a clothesline, tries to crawl for a tag. Orton tags in and cuts off Porter's tag, then delivers the Orton Stomp.

Orton pulls up Porter, Porter tries to slug it out, Orton cuts him off, whips him off the ropes, ducks down for the backdrop, Porter kicks him in the face, dashes for the tag. Orton tries to cut off the tag and attacks Porter from behind, sending him through the ropes, but too late because Mark Henry tags himself in! Suddenly everybody is in the ring, bodies are flying. Cena is trying to pick up Big Show for the Attitude Adjustment. Henry tries to pick up Orton for a slam, but Jericho clips Henry's knee from behind. Orton rights himself, takes out Henry with the RKO, and covers for the win.

WINNERS: Randy Orton, Chris Jericho & the Big Show. Next week it will be John Cena running the gauntlet against our winners tonght. That's it, I'm done, Thank GOD. See ya next week, kids!

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