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Killa Kev's Raw Report

We're LIVE from Toronto, Ontario tonight with special guest host Trish Stratus. Dave Batista returns tonight with a special announcement. John Cena will make an appearance as the NEW WWE Champion. And Shawn Michaels will square off one-on-one with Ted DiBiase, Jr! Join us in the LIVE room tonight for all the action!

And we will kick the action right off with Dave Batista coming out for his "career-altering decision". Batista's right elbow is still casted up from his surgery a few months back. "First off, before I make my announcement...

I want to take this opportunity to say thank you. Thank you to everyone here tonight, thank you to everyone watching at home.

It's been a rough year for me, had a couple of really bad injuries, and this is now how I wanted to come back, but unfortunately I've come back to say goodbye.

So I want to thank you... for letting me have the time of my life in this ring." Fans start a "BA-TIS-TA! BA-TIS-TA!" chant. "There's been rumors for a long time now, a lot of people talking about my retirement." Dave laughs nervously.

And then... you figured it... Randy Orton makes his way out to break this all up. "I am not very happy," says Orton, after he takes his time getting to the ring, "... about losing the WWE Championship last night. But you know what does cheer me up? The fact that you, Dave, are retiring. So this is it? This is how it ends? The big bad Animal going out with a whimper? Well I got new for ya, Dave, whatever goodbye or farewell speech you had planned, just save it, because nobody cares! Why did you wait so long to decide on retiring? And just admit it, you're not retiring because of your health, you're retiring because of me! You're retiring after I put you on the shelf for three months after ripping your arm out of your socket. You're retiring after I put you on the shelf for four months after a swift kick to the head. Go ahead and start crying."

Batista hangs his head, but he's not crying, he's laughing. Orton yells, "You think it's so funny that I ended your career? What exactly is so funny to you?" Batista replies, "There are two things that are funny to me now. One, you're very predictable. Two..." Batista pulls the cast off. "I know something that you don't know!" Batista punches Orton with a right hand, picks him up and hits a power slam, then clotheslines Orton out of the ring. "You see, I'm not here to announce my retirement... I'm here to announce I'm going to SmackDown!" The fans pop big. "And there's one more thing I forgot to tell you. I talked to our guest host, and she guaranteed me that we would have one more match tonight. And it's NO HOLDS BARRED... and IT'S AGAINST YOU!"

Just posted in the chatroom... RIP Patrick Swayze. Always a favorite actor of mine.

Back on the show, Lillian Garcia is out and introduces us to our Guest Host for this evening, Trish Stratus! "Hello, Toronto! I gotta say it's good to be home, and when I say 'home', I mean the WWE home. Now, I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I'm going to make a pretty good host. I mean, Batista vs. Orton, pretty good, huh? I think Bob Barker did a pretty good job last week, don't you think? You know what my favorite part was? When he almost made Chris Jericho cry. But, let's be honest, this is not The Price is Right, this is Raw, okay? And I know Raw, right? This whole thing was my world for seven years, and I know Raw, and I think I know what you people want, actually! So, we have Batista vs. Orton, and Randy Orton, let's just faced the facts, he is owed a rematch, right? I know, I know, but I was thinking about it, put a little thoughts towards it, and came up with something, wanna hear it?"

"So, I'm thinking at the next pay-per-view, he's already wrestling tonight, so at the next pay-per-view, Orton vs. Cena in a HELL IN A CELL. And, oh, I have something else you might like, I want to give it all to you, it's Stratusfaction. Enough of me for now, you'll see plenty of me tonight, let's get a match going, shall we?" Stratus walks off the stage and we're on to our first match.

WWE United States Champion Kofi Kingston & Primo Colon vs. "the All-American American" Jack Swagger & Mike "the Miz" Mizanin (non-title match)

Mizanin and Colon start off first, but Miz decides to sucker punch Kingston on the apron instead. Colon puts Mizanin in the corner, punches, whip to the other side and Colon charges. Miz side-steps it, Colon tries to float over him, Mizanin catches him, beats him down, tags in Swagger. Swagger with a big power slam, covers, two count. Swagger tries ripping Colon's arms out of their sockets. Colon refuses to submit, even with Swagger trying to punch a hole in his ribs. Swagger takes a swipe at Kingston, and Kingston wants a piece of the action, but referee holds him off, allowing Mizanin to attack Colon again. Swagger whips Colon into the corner, charges, Colon fights him off, tags in Kingston and Kingston unleashes the "controlled frenzy" on him. Kingston tries to bounce off the ropes, Mizanin takes a swipe at him, Kingston turns around and punches him off the apron.

Swagger tries to whip Kingston off the ropes, Kingston rebounds and hits the dropkick on Swagger, sending him into the ropes and elbowing Mizanin off the apron again. Kingston slams Swagger to the mat (what is this move??), pin attempt, two count. Kingston whips Swagger into the corner, leaps up for the 10-count round of punches. Kingston sees Mizanin walking away from the ring with the United States Championship Belt and gets distracted, allowing Swagger to pick him up and roll the Snake Eyes on his head in the corner. Swagger finishes him off with the Gutwrench Powerbomb.

WINNERS: Jack Swagger & Mike Mizanin. Mizanin keeps on walking up the ramp, he's done for the night. Swagger taunts Kingston in the ring. Time to take a break

#1 Contender for the WWE Divas Championship: Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox

WWE Divas Champion Mickie James comes down to ringside for commentary. James is recovering from a busted breast implant, get well quickly! We start off with the two locking up, Kim with an armdrag and a headscissor takeover on Fox that sends her to the outside. Kim follows up with a baseball slide dropkick through the ropes, drags Fox back into the ring. Fox attacks Kim on the way back in, goes for a cover, two count. Fox with a key lock submission from behind Kim's head. Kim gets to her feet, elbows her way loose, knee to the midsection, punch to the face. Fox reverses it and whips out a belly-to-back suplex into a bridge, cover and a two count.

Fox wraps her legs around Kim for a body scissor submission. James and Lawler are flirting with each other while running commentary, James says "Stop looking at me like that!", Lawler acts surprised, James says she was looking at Fox. Fox grabs Kim's hair and slams it into the mat several times, shoots another dirty look at James. Kim decides to kick the crap out of Fox several times, then delivers a clothesline or two, then splashes Fox in the corner. Kim tries it again, Fox throws her over her shoulders, Kim uses it to rebound off the corner for a cross-body block into a pin attempt. Fox shoves Kim into the corner, charges, Kim ducks it, headbutts Fox into the turnbuckle. Kim goes up-top for a high-risk missile dropkick, Fox side-steps it, bounces off the ropes, hits an axe kick to the back of Kim's head, 1-2-3 and we're done!

WINNER: Alicia Fox. Weird, this was announced by both Lillian Garcia and Mickie James that this was a Triple Threat match, but only two competitors showed up. Wonder who was missing? Fox leans over the ropes and shoots more ugly looks at James. James looks up at her, holds up the Divas belt and says to Lawler & Cole, "I look forward to defending my Divas Championship!" and leaves the table. And we take a commercial.

Backstage we find out that the left-out diva (as I suspected) was Beth Phoenix, she wants to know how come she didn't get a shot, complaining to Trish Stratus. Chris Jericho comes in and tells Phoenix to not mind Trish Stratus, they used to be lovers and she's still upset over their break-up. Stratus has a few of her own words, but Phoenix cuts her off, "At least Chris Jericho backs up his words in the ring every week! At least Chris Jericho didn't 'retire' to open a lame yoga studio in a second-rate country!" Trish tries to explain why she retired, Phoenix says, "At least Jericho isn't afraid to face fresh competition!" Stratus says, "So you think I retired because I didn't want to face you?" Phoenix replies, "That's EXACTLY why!" Stratus shocks them both by saying that she'll not only face Phoenix tonight, but Jericho as well, she's going to find a partner - TRISH STRATUS RETURNS IN MIXED TAG TEAM ACTION TONIGHT!" We go to some clips from WWE Breaking Point, then see Legacy walking down to the ring for DiBiase's singles match against Shawn Michaels.

Ted DiBiase, Jr (w/ Cody Rhodes) vs. Shawn Michaels (w/ Triple H)

"Are you ready?" mockingly says Cody Rhodes, who then climbs the turnbuckles and shouts, "NO! I said ARE! YOU! READY?! Are you ready to mark the dawn of the new era in the WWE? because the truth is... we didn't just beat D-X, we made them submit. We made D-X tap out. Teddy, you know who hasn't made D-X tap out? The Rock... 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin, the Undertaker, the McMahons... and, dare I say it? As great as Rated RKO was, Edge & Randy never made D-X tap out. Because the only people who did was The Legacy!"

Ted DiBiase takes the mic. "Ladies and gentlemen, what we did last night was truly historic, something no one else could do. And although we may have shocked the world, what we did, what we accomplished, it did not surprise the two of us one bit. We did EXACTLY what we said we would do. We administered pain so torturous even the great, almighty D-X had no choice but to give up! But last night... last night was just the beginning. We will not stop until D-X is out of Raw, and out of our lives FOREVER!"

Rhodes takes the mic back. "As of this moment forward, Ted and myself are no longer known as the offspring of Dusty Rhodes or 'the Million Dollar Man'. Because they're now known as the Fathers of The Legacy!" Jerry Lawler says, "As hard as it is to say, you can't disagree with what they just said!" We shoot backstage and see Michaels and Triple H watching the monitor, and they leave to head for the ring. Off to a commercial and we'll be back with this match! We come back, Triple H quickly goes after Cody Rhodes as Michaels gets in the ring and is ready to go.

We lock up, DiBiase puts Michaels in the corner and wails on him with kicks and punches, ref forces a break, but DiBiase is back on him like stink on shit. Ref tries to pull them apart again. DiBiase whips Michaels off the ropes and arrogantly drops for a back body drop, Michaels makes him pay for it with a kick to the chest, a few chops, and a swinging neckbreaker, followed with a stomp in the chest. Michaels whips DiBiase off the ropes, reversal and DiBiase with the power slam. DiBiase with the big rights to drop Michaels back to the mat, then mounts him for more punches until the referee breaks. DiBiase whips Michaels off the ropes, and this time pays attention as he sets up and executes the back body drop. Michaels rolls out of the ring in the the safety of Triple H. Cody Rhodes runs over and Trips keeps him at bey.

DiBiase reaches over the ropes, grabs Michaels by the hair and drags him up on the apron. Michaels tries to fight, but DiBiase gets the better of it and suplexes Michaels back into the ring. DiBiase follows up with a few kicks and a pin attempt. DiBiase with a side head lock on the mat, Michaels gets to his feet, punches his way loose, then a few chops, DiBiase responds with a standing dropkick that would make Randy Orton proud. DiBiase takes his time going for a cover, and only gets a two count for his efforts. DiBiase follows up with a kick to the head, goes for another pin, pulls up both legs, Michaels still kicks out, but he looks like his bell is rung. DiBiase re-applies the side headlock, wrenching it in. Michael Cole spends a few moments comparing all the traits of D-X with the new Legacy.

Michaels works his way back up to his feet, punches his way out, chops, DiBiase goes for the dropkick again, but Michaels takes one step back, grabs the legs and tries for the Figure Four legdrop off the sweep. DiBiase pulls him in for a small package, Michaels kicks out and goes for the Figure Four leglock again. Cody Rhodes gets on the apron to distract the referee, allowing DiBiase to reach up and rake Michaels in the eyes, breaking the hold. DiBiase now starts beating Michaels down, putting him on the ropes and then in the corner, Michaels staggering as DiBiase delivers rights whenever he wants. Michaels is holding his left eye, staggering, as if he can't see. Michaels is throwing wild, looping right punches that don't connect, except for the last one that puts DiBiase on his ass. DiBiase recovers, ducks another punch, and tries for the Million Dollar Dream, with knees to the ribs and kidneys for extra punishment. Michaels desperately rushes to the turnbuckle and drops, sending DiBiase head-first into the turnbuckle and knocking both men down.

Fans are chanting "H-B-K! H-B-K!" as both men get to their feet. DiBiase tries for a piledriver near the ropes, Michaels reverses it and backdrops DiBiase over the top rope to the floor. Rhodes comes over to help DiBiase, Triple H comes over to chase him off and DiBiase back into the ring. Michaels is there waiting for an inverted Atomic Drop, chop to the chest, whips DiBiase off the ropes, DiBiase reverses but Michaels counters with the flying forearm smash, the kip-up and a Thesz Press on DiBiase until the ref breaks up the action. Michaels goes to the apron, climbs to the top turnbuckle... staggers, regains his composure and flies! Michaels connects with the elbow, but inadvertently catches DiBiase's elbow by accident, and he staggers back into one corner, while DiBiase crawls his way up into the other corner. Michaels sets up for the Superkick in the corner, Cody Rhodes decides he's had enough and grabs Michaels by the legs and crotches him in the corner post.

WINNER: Shawn Michaels by disqualification. Triple H is immediately on Rhodes, slamming him into the ringsteps and then the announcers table. DiBiase tries to jump on Shawn Michaels, their action spills out of the ring, over the barrier and into the stands. Rhodes is kicking Triple H's ass at ringside, Michaels and DiBiase brawling in the stands. Triple H now has the upper hand on Rhodes, throwing him into the crowd. Lawler wonders, "How is D-X going to finish Legacy? I don't think they can get it done!" Triple H and Rhodes are now brawling in the crowd, Rhodes is thrown right into a camera man and we lose signal as both the camera man and Rhodes fall over the barrier back into the ringside area, and we go to break. Back from the break, we recap the post-match action.

Hornswoggle & Evan "Air" Bourne vs. Chavo Guerrero, Jr & Carlito Colon (w/ Rosa Mendes)

OK, just to be clear here, the only reason I'm recapping this is because there are three real wrestlers and a hot chick involved. Hornswoggle says he wants in first, he'll face Colon! Colon approaches and looks down at Hornswoggle. Carlito pulls out his apple, Hornswoggle kicks him in the knee, steals the apple, then makes a tag to Bourne. Bourne leaps in and dropkicks Colon, hits a baseball slide dropkick off the ropes. Colon tags in Guerrero, Bourne takes him down with a dropkick. Guerrero chokes Bourne on the ropes, Hornswoggle runs over and dropkicks Guerrero in the knee! WTF! Bourne slides out to throw Guerrero back in, hits a few shoulder tackles, but I missed the action here, it's going too fast.

Carlito Colon has tagged in some point, covers Bourne for a pin, puts him in the corner. Bourne tries to fight both opponents off, Guerrero tags him in the eye, Colon nails a bunch of kicks to the midsection. Guerrero tags in and hits a senton splash on Bourne, then transitions into a reverse chinlock, followed with knees to the midsection. Bourne fights back with kicks to the hamstrings, Guerrero whips Bourne off the ropes. Bourne with a headscissor takeover on Guerrero, then knocks Colon off the apron. Bourne charges Guerrero in the corner, eats an elbow, Guerrero charges off, Bourne counters with a dropkick. Colon runs in and tries for the Back Stabber, but Bourne throws him out of the ring. Hornswoggle tags in and is trying to go for the Tadpole Splash. Colon gets on the apron, Bourne rushes and hits a cross-body block on Colon, both men falling out of the ring. Guerrero recovers and goes up to stop Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle is chewing on the apple, he throws it down and then spits a mouthful of fruit into Guerrero's face, hits the Tadpole Splash, 1-2-3.

WINNERS: Hornswoggle & Evan Bourne. Guerrero is in the middle of the ring throwing a fit, grabs a mic. "What do I gotta do, huh? What do I gotta do??" Borne mouths, "How about pick on somebody your own size?" Guerrero says, "Okay, Hornswoggle, you win, I GIVE UP! OKAY? I GIVE UP!" Hornswoggle jumps up and down in celebration.

Backstage, Josh Matthews is with new WWE Champion John Cena. "John, last night at Breaking Point in the I QUIT match, you were literally tortured by Randy Orton. How were you able to withstand that pressure and still come out victorious?"

Cena says, "Randy Orton talked a lot about saying one thing but doing another. Randy Orton for so long talked about how the WWE Championship is his life, it's all he existed for, how he would do anything and everything to keep it, and yet last night at the first sign of opposition he literally gave it away. Two weeks ago I gave the WWE Universe a simple promise, I will not quit. I WILL NOT QUIT. And at Breaking Point there were many times when I wanted to give up... my body was wrecked... pain was immeasurable... and every time, every single time I said no I knew that there was more pain, there was more suffering.

"But I gave you folks my word and I kept it! I promised and I delivered. Thanks to our guest host tonight, we now have a rematch. HELL IN THE CELL. Which means more promises, which means Randy Orton will promise that he never game up and this win was nothing but a fluke. Randy Orton will promise that he will end my career inside the cage. Randy Orton will promise that in Hell in a Cell, he will promise that this WWE Championship around my waist is nothing more than a three week rental. Well, I'm getting my promise out there right now. You think you felt punishment at breaking point? I promise when that door is locked you will see a different side of me. I promise you will see a more intense, a more brutal, a more savage side on me. I promise that Randy Orton will be the luckiest man on earth if he makes it out of that cell in one piece. And finally I will promise that THE! CHAMP! IS! HERE!" Cena holds up the title as the fans pop.

Guest host Trish Stratus comes out for her match against Jericho & Phoenix. Who is her partner... ?

WWE Divas Legend Trish Stratus & Montel Vontaveous Porter vs. WWE Unified Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho & "the Glamazon" Beth Phoenix (non-title match)

Porter makes his entrance, we take a break, Jericho and Phoenix get their own separate entrances. Lawler things that Phoenix was mistaken earlier when talking about Stratus retiring in order to not face her, says that Phoenix wasn't even here. He doesn't remember that Phoenix was "the friend" that Stratus brought into take care of Mickie James, insisting that Phoenix was another "friend" that James stalked.

We start off with Stratus and Phoenix, action quickly goes to the corner, Stratus putting the fists to Phoenix. Phoenix charges out with a forearm, Stratus ducks it with the Matrish (and fucks it up), goes for a cover, Phoenix kicks out, Chris Jericho runs in and shoves Stratus off. Porter runs in and starts brawling with Porter, action goes to the outside. Big Show runs down and attacks Porter, calling for the bell. Mark Henry runs down to break it up.

WINNERS: Trish Stratus & Montel Vontaveous Porter, by disqualification. Stratus gets on the mic, "Oh no no no! This is my show, this is my town, and this isn't happening! Big Show, you want to get involved in this match? Well guess what, this is now going to be a SIX PERSON TAG TEAM MATCH!" Big Show is shaking his head no, but it's official, right after this break!

Trish Stratus, Montel Vontaveous Porter &"the World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry vs. "the Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & the WWE Unified Tag Team Champions "the World's Largest Athlete" Big Show & Chris Jericho (non-title match)

Back live after the commercial, Mark Henry is stepping through the ropes, referee is holding him back as Big Show drags Porter over to his corner, tags in Chris Jericho. Jericho kicks Porter in the head and raises his arms, getting the cheers from the "hometown" Canadian crowd. Porter gets some paintbrush slaps to the back of the head from Jericho. Jericho circles the ring, grabs Porter and delivers a headbutt, sending Porter sprawling. Jericho whips Porter off the ropes, goes for a knee to the midsection, Porter grabs the leg and whips him over into a pin attempt. Jericho pops up and takes Porter back down with a clothesline, but both men are sucking wind.

Porter tries for a hot tag, but Jericho leaps over and dropkicks Henry in the chest, drawing the ref over to handle Henry. Jericho drags Porter back into his own corner and applies a sleeper hold. Phoenix leans through the ropes to taunt Porter. Porter gets to his feet, elbows and punches free, Jericho with a forearm smash, bounces off the ropes, Porter counters with a belly-to-belly suplex, a few elbows, whips Jericho off the ropes, Jericho holds the ropes and Phoenix tags herself in. Porter points over to Jericho, wanting him. phoenix gets in and slaps Porter around, telling him to look at her, poking him in the chest, and shoving him around. Porter holds his ground. Phoenix tries to kick Porter in the midsection, Porter grabs the boot and immediately starts begging off. Porter drags Phoenix over, tags in Stratus. Stratus hits the Thesz Press. Stratus tags Porter in, and together they hit the BALLIN~! elbow drop on Phoenix! What, no DQ?

Jericho pulls Phoenix out of the ring. Porter launches himself into Jericho on the outside. Stratus bounces off the ropes to do the same to Phoenix, but Big Show trips her up. Mark Henry runs around the ring and collides with Big Show, connecting with a clothesline. Phoenix slides in and tries to pin Stratus, Stratus kicks out. Phoenix puts Stratus in the corner, Stratus reverses, cartwheels into a headscissor takeover. Stratus then grabs Phoenix in a side headlock, raises her arms, rushes to the ropes and springboards off the middle rope into the Stratusfaction! 1-2-3!

WINNERS: Trish Stratus, MVP & Mark Henry. Up next, it's Batista's last match on Raw!

No Holds Barred Match: Randy Orton vs. "the Animal" Dave Batista

This match starts outside of the ring, Orton grabs a steel chair and tries to clock Batista with it, Batista fights back. Orton tries to drab Batista into the ring and hit the rope-assisted DDT, Batista fights it off, puts Orton in the corner and hits some uppercut forearms. Batista comes out swinging with his own forearms, Batista knocks him down with a clothesline. Orton rolls out of the ring, looks under the ring for something, Batista comes around the corner and hits him with another clothesline, rolls him into the ring. Batista back in, picks up Orton, Orton with a thumb to the eye. Orton then goes for the Orton Stomp, focusing in on the surgically-repaired elbow, finishes it off with the high kneedrop off the ropes.

Orton steps out of the ring again, goes to the announcer's table, picks up the steel chair again, he gets back in, attempts to swing, Batista cuts him off with a spear, Orton rolls out of the ring, holding his guts. Batista rolls out and slams Orton's head into the announcers table a few times, then reels back and t hrows him over it, into the backside of the rinside barricade. Referee tries to get the action back in the ring, but no go as Big Dave picks up Orton and drops him throat-first over the top of the barrier, then chokes Orton with his boot, leaning back on the barrier for more leverage. Orton is allowed to get up, staggers to the ring. Batista grabs him, punches him in the chest, then throws him head-first into the steel ringsteps, then steps on his head some more, scraping his boot across Orton's face.

Batista rolls Orton back into the ring, Orton tries to slip in the RKO as Batista steps through, Batista blocks it and hits a Urinage instead. Orton rolls out of the ring and scrambles up the stage. Before he can go anywhere, John Cena's music hits, and the WWE Champion comes out to chase him back down. Orton turns to the ring, then back to Cena and eats a clothesline! Cena grabs him by the tights, throws Orton into the ring and feeds him right into a Spinebuster! Batista with the thumbs up... then the thumbs down... it's time for a Baitsta Bomb!

BOOM! 1. 2. 3.

WINNER: Dave Batista. The Toronto fans EXPLODE! Michael Cole says, "Randy Orton's downward spiral continues!" We recap the end of the match. Lawler follows up, "Couldn't happen to a more deserving man!" We close the show with Batista posing on the turnbuckles, throwing his elbow pads into the crowd.

2 comments: on "Killa Kev's Raw Report"

Dan-e-o said...

And NO...I wasn't at "Raw".

Choclair has been invited on this week's episode of Tha O Show to explain his inability to follow through...stay tuned.

BigDaddy said...

I gave my floors away, but did roll by the after flex. Didn't stay long though...