ECW On SyFy Recap

Tell 'em J.R.! "The entire world is watchin'!" Thanks Jim. Now DON'T QUESTION MY HEART because ECW is on SyFy and our recap is live! "The WWE Universe prepares for Breaking Point in less than two weeks." Do we Josh? I'm not prepared for it. I AM prepared for Shawn Michaels v. The Undertaker during ECW tonight!

But first it's time for the Gold Standard. AIN'T NO STOPPIN' ME, NOWWWW! He makes his way down to his new slower heel music, even though he's SUPPOSED to be a babyface now. Well Smurf me man! Is any mothersmurfer getting behind this smurfing man's face turn?

* Shelton Benjamin v. Zach Ryder

Striker: "He's wearing lingerie to the ring, he certainly has to be tough to do that! All kidding aside don't let the pomp and circumstance of Ryder fool you." Ryder throws his headband in the eyes of Benjamin and unleashes a flurry of strikes, but Benjamin responds by tossing him high in the air on a back bodydrop. He misses on a splash in the corner though and face meets turnbuckle before a Ryder neckbreaker. Ryder tries to crank on his neck but Benjamin stands up with him on his back. Ryder gets free, hits a flying leg lariat, and goes right back to the crossface on the ground. Ryder is screaming "ask him" at the ref, but the crowd seems only mildly interested in this match.

I can even hear one guy loudly yell BOR-ING. Benjamin makes a comeback with punches and tosses Ryder high in the air. Benjamin hits another splash in the corner, snaps Ryder's back over his knee, nearly gets tossed to the floor but he gets a springboard blockbuster coming back into the ring instead, then hits PAYDIRT. The crowd actually counts the 3 and seems pleased he won. WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN. At least Cleveland got into the finish. A replay follows.

Striker and Mathews throw us to a replay of the brawl slash double counout between Goldust and Sheamus. They're finally going to settle this tonight in a no count out, no DQ match for the main event. First though, these commercial messages.

OH FUCK ME. Not only is it The Abraham Washington Show, he's got TONY ATLAS playing his Tonight Show style announcer. "Tonight his guest is Georgery Hand!" Perhaps he meant Gregory Helms? Or maybe his Ed McMahon. Or some weird and horribly shitty amalgamation of both. Tony Atlas is saying things like "Arsenio Hall have nothin on you" (hint - Arsenio is from Cleveland) and laughing at all his crappy jokes. Atlas' laughter sounds like a walrus in heat dying.

WAH HUH HUH HA, WAH HA HUH HAH. Bless him, I feel so bad for Shane Helms having to come out for this segment when he's introduced. "I saw you changin' in the phone booth, I know it's you!" Helms: "No, I am not The Hurricane. I'm just Gregory Helms, that's all I am." Atlas starts laughing like a porpoise on PCP again. Cleveland is deader than dead for this BULLSHIT. One soul is energetic enough to yell BOR-ING but nobody else can even be bothered to boo.

Paul Burchill and Katie Lea come out, and Tony Atlas starts drooling all over his mic stand at the site of Paul's sister. "YOU LOOK HOT!" Thanks Captain Obvious. Burchill says that Helms is a fraud and an embarassment. "As long as he keeps insultin' our intelligence, I'm gonna keep beating him down." Suddenly we get the HURRI-CAM on the Titantron, as Helms in his costume cuts a promo on Burchill we're supposed to believe is live. "I'm offering you a challenge. Will you except? Tune in next week, same Hurri-time, same Hurri-channel!"

Atlas chortles like a hyena with a staph infection. Burchill gets in his face and says "I'll see you next week, GREGORY." Even though they turned the crowd way down for this crap, a YOU SUCK chant still manages to get through. I don't think it's for Pirate Paul though, I think it's for everyone involved in this debacle - the stage hands, the producer at the Gorilla Position, the writers backstage, the Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment - I BLAME EVERYONE.

Undertaker promo package is followed by Kozlov and Big Zeke walking backstage, flanked by Regal. Commercial break.

* Jim Parks & Mike Tolar v. Vlad the Bad and Big Zeke Daddy

Hi jobbers! Welcome to ECW. How much did you get paid tonight? $250? $500? I hope you got medical and dental paid up with that money - you're going to need it. Regal watches on as Big Zeke hits some incredibly unconvincing backbreakers with his knee. One or two bored fans try to start a U-S-A chant when Kozlov tags in. He's not there long enough for it to matter though, as he tags out so Zeke can do a delayed vertical suplex. Striker just said PEPPER Parks.

Could one of the jobbers have been him? I remember that guy from when I used to recap Heartland Wrestling Association. If it was him he got slammed into the turnbuckle from the apron and sent to the floor. Tolar is left in the ring to be squashed. WINNERS: ZEKE & THE RUSSIAN FREAK.

Regal comes in the ring to apply a submission to the jobber. Christian comes out to the top of the ramp. "Come on down sunshine, and be our guest!" Christian: "Oh I will, but I'm not coming by myself." TOMMY DREAMER'S MUSIC HITS. Regal chuckles: "Are you still concussed from that knee I gave you a few weeks ago? Are you mental? Either way take one step towards this ring and it'll be the biggest mistake of your lives." Christian: "Thanks for the heads up Bill!

We know it's 2 on 3, that's why we brought these." Dreamer pulls two kendo sticks out from behind his back and hands one to Christian. The babyfaces beat up the heels and go after Regal, but he escapes, and the faces take control of center stage as Cleveland starts their loudest chant of the night so far - a very light E-C-W.

Profile package for Shawn Michaels follows, with Mysterio, Jericho and Big Show all putting him over. This is all leading up to Michaels v. Undertaker being shown on ECW tonight, and that encore presentation from WrestleMania 25 is up NEXT.

When we return from break we get a promo for "The Rise and Fall of WCW" - available in stores everywhere NOW. Tiffany says she's happy to present a special encore of Shawn Michaels v. The Undertaker and her delivery is so wooden you could carve statues out of it.

Fuck, this is clearly not Undertaker v. Shawn Michaels from WrestleMania 25 in its entirety. This is a cut down selection of clips set to the Shinedown song "Sounds of Madness." Why do I get the feeling they just lifted this entire clip from that NBC WrestleMania 25 special on Saturday that nobody watched? I heard that was clips of the PPV set to music too.

This is even MORE pointless for me since I was there ringside to watch the match, and you can't have any greater way to experience HBK v. Undertaker than that. This blows. They change to another song and I wasn't even paying attention to what the new song is - I'm looking around for my Blu Ray so I can watch the whole thing instead of clips.

Come to think of it that won't work since they promised us a Goldust v. Sheamus main event after this, and the entire match is much longer than the time left on ECW, so I couldn't possibly watch it all. In fact Undertaker gets the pin at 10:46 EST, and if this was running full length we'd be well past 11 EST right now. What a letdown. Striker promotes Undertaker returning to Smackdown on Friday, which means he was at the taping tonight. Commercial.

* Sheamus the Pale Celtic Warrior v. Goldust the Sick... FREAK!

Here comes words I never thought I'd hear myself say - Goldust and Sheamus need to SAVE ECW. Thankfully this is no DQ, so at least they can beat the crap out of each other, but they spend the first two minutes wrestling. Sheamus tries to walk away but there's no countout, or as Striker says "you can't take the high road cause the road won't meet you there." Goldie agrees and runs him down on the ramp and lays him out, which sends us to a commercial break.

Promo for Bob Barker guest hosting Raw next week when we return from commercial.

Goldie and Sheamus are inexplicably back in the ring as we come back, although Goldie quickly clotheslines him to the floor and slams his face into the barricade on the outside. He tries to throw Sheamus back in and attack him, but Sheamus whips him into the ringpost from the apron and Goldie collapses to the floor in a heap. Scoop slam by the pale white man on the pretty black mats. He stomps on Goldie and mocks him, drawing rare boos from this jaded Cleveland crowd.

Sheamus has his way with him but eventually brings him back into the ring to try to choke him out, causing Goldie to respond with punches, drawing the crowd into a BOO and YAY spot as they trade blows. Atomic drop by Goldie and a running bulldog connects. Goldie hits an inside cradle for two. Slam and another near fall. Sheamus rolls out to the floor and Goldie dives off the apron with a clothesline.

Sheamus responds by throwing him into the post again. Goldie almost gets whipped into another but sends Sheamus into the opposite post face first. Some little children in the crowd are chanting at Goldust to MAN UP. I kid you not. Back in the ring Sheamus gets control again and tries to drive a knee into Goldie's face and throat. Sheamus whips him to the ropes, Goldie gets a drop down punch, but Sheamus responds with a pump kick, then hits the IRISH CURSE (elevated backbreaker) for the three count. WINNER: SHEAMUS. Props to Goldust for putting Sheamus over clean - good main event for a bad ECW.

Share |