ECW On SyFy Recap

"Hulkamania is runnin' wild!" Not in 2009 it's not, but we'll take their word for it. The show opens cold with a title card for Christian v. Tommy Dreamer in an EXTREME RULES world title match, THEN goes to the "don't question my heart" theme music.

Oh boy. We're opening with The Abraham Washington Show. At least they set it up at the top of the stage instead of in the ring. "Thank you, thank you, thank you all so much! Y'all are too much man, thank you.

At this time I would like to welcome you all to The Abraham Washington Show, and I am of course YOUR HOST Abraham Washington."

They are at least trying to get this over as a heel gimmick because when he said the words YOUR HOST the Titantron flashed APPLAUSE over and over and the camera pulled back to show it. He makes fun of New York for a couple of minutes to get heat, including saying he had to hire extra security so he wouldn't get robbed.

He follows that up with a Sarah Palin bit, but I don't think that means Daffney is coming over from TNA. Don't worry if you don't get that joke, it's not any funnier than anything on The Abraham Washington Show anyway. In fact that joke, like his segment on ECW, SUCKS.

Zach Ryder actually gets a babyface pop being he's from Long Island, NY and he interrupted this shitfest with his music to put his feet up on Washington's coffee table. Washington tries to heel on him saying his fashion sense is Grimace dressed up like Heather Mills. Ryder: "Who's Heather Mills?" Washington: "Google it!" Before they can get into it, Washington says he wouldn't have booked Shelton Benjamin for tonight if Tiffany didn't force him to, which causes them to both agree he's incredibly boring and his theme music stinks. Benjamin of course takes exception. "If I said what I wanted to say right now, I'd get thrown off the air. Instead I'll talk to you guys in Smurfs.

You know the guys who live in mushrooms? Speaking of mushrooms {*looking at Ryder*} you've had a few. Quite frankly, you two can both go SMURF yourselves." Washington: "This ain't THE SOURCE AWARDS, you need to calm down!" Benjamin: "Wannabe Byron Allen, SHUT THE SMURF UP! And you, you were giving a shoutout to your girlfriend earlier? That was funny because I was giving, a shoutout, to your girlfriend. Actually EVERYBODY gets a shoutout from your girlfriend."

This devolves into a debate between the two about who sucks less and who is more entertaining. Washington decides he can settle this debate by holding the first ever ABRAHAM IDOL. I can't believe we're ten minutes into this shit without a single speck of pro wrestling. I can see millions of people picking up their remotes to change the channel already, and when Zach Ryder starts singing, the rest of those who hadn't already are looking for batteries FOR the remote so they CAN.

Shelton Benjamin doing Hootie and the Blowfish is the icing on the cake. I'm actually happy when Zach Ryder attacks him from behind. Matt Striker: "WHAT THE SMURF?!" The two brawl on the ramp, Benjamin gets the better of it, Ryder takes a powder and apparently Abraham's show is (mericfully) over. Ezekiel Jackson is walking backstage, flexing his biceps, and we go to commercial.

Promo for SummerFest 2009 when we come back from break.

* Ezekiel Jackson v. Danny Danger

They actually admit Jackson's opponent is only 150 pounds, which means Jackson has to be lefit twice his weight and size. He picks up the jobber in yellow trunks for two backbreakers right after the opening bell. One handed chokeslam with authority gets the match over with in under 30 seconds. WINNER: EZEKIEL JACKSON. I'm not sure the point of a replay here since it's as long as the whole match was, but they give it to us anyway. Kozlov's music hits and the Moscow Mauler marches down to the ring. He stares down Jackson, then picks up the jobber, then gives him a hard slam to the mat equivalent to Jackson's.

Jackson decides to pick up the jobber again and throw him down even HARDER in response. Poor jobber. I hope Danny Danger got a good paycheck for tonight's beating. The guy is obviously half-serious about his craft since he had actual wrestling trunks and boots, but he was just cannon fodder for a game of "Can you top this?" between ECW's worst wrestlers.

Tiffany is consulting with the production crew backstage. Her assistant is nearly run over by a production truck backing up and The Hurricane runs in to save the day and stops the truck with his bare hands! He flies out with a WHOOSH and Tiffany runs back in to make sure everyone is okay. A random WWE wrestler looks around and angrily says "THIS IS RIDICULOUS" and we go to a commercial break.

* Sheamus the Pale Celtic Warrior v. Goldust

Well, this should be interesting. Why is it that out of the two of them, Goldust is actually the one who looks NORMAL in the ring? I guess just because I'm used to him, yet the pale skin and bright neon red hair of Sheamus still seem inhuman. Goldie misses a splash in the corner early and gets a facebuster for his trouble, which causes him to start selling his left shoulder. Sheamus immediately goes to work the arm and shoulder over and a LET'S GO GOLD-DUST chant breaks out. A near fall doesn't work so Sheamus grounds Goldie and wrings the arm, and if I was watching MMA I'd say he was going for a kimura or an armbar.

Goldie fights out but Sheamus drops him across the ropes and then tackles him for another near fall. Goldie tries a schoolboy for a near fall and then Sheamus pushes his face into the mat and twists his arm from behind. Dustin finally gets a comeback and starts throwing clotheslines, then hits a powerslam for a near fall selling his shoulder all the while. Goldie tries to go top rope, Sheamus sweeps the ankle and Dust lands on his shoulder HARD. He pins him for a three count.

WINNER: SHEAMUS. He starts to cut a promo outside the ring about how he was looking for gold and only found this guy, and Goldust jumps him from behind and lays him out. Sheamus bails out up the ramp as Goldie taunts him. We go to commercial with another plug for Christian v. Dreamer in an Extreme Rules match.

We get a Smackdown Rebound with Morrison v. Hardy after the break. Afterwards Dreamer promises that Extreme Rules is "my match" and he'll win in front of "my peeps" tonight. We see Christian carrying a car door backstage and go to commercial.

* Christian {C} v. Tommy Dreamer (ECW Extreme Rules Championship Match)

Each man is given the "big match" introduction, which means that the belt isn't held up and the bell isn't rung until 10:48 PM EST. Hopefully you tuned back in after that wretched opening quarter hour just in time for this. Dreamer knocks Christian down early, he responds with an arm wringer, and they're being awfully scientific for an Extreme Rules match. The crowd agrees and chants WE WANT TABLES. Dreamer finally goes out for a kendo stick, Christian grabs a trash can lid, and he holds it up as a shield as Dreamer swings away.

Christian bails out as the stick goes SWOOSH over his head but Dreamer catches him on the outside and gives him a Russian legsweep with it to the floor. He throws Christian back in and brings a trash can, but Christian baseball slides the can into his chest before he can get in the ring. Flying crossbody wipes Dreamer out on the floor, and then Christian throws it at his back. Christian grabs a crutch and SHATTERS it on Dreamer's back. The two brawl in front of a hot dog cart.

Christian charges, Dreamer ducks, and Christian knocks the cart over. Think of all the hot dogs going to waste! Dreamer pulls out the condiment trayas and smashes them in Christian's face. He slaps a dog on a bun, eats half, and mooshes the rest of the dog into Christian's grill. The fans on the rampway beg Dreamer for hot dogs of their own as we go to commercial.

There's even more junk in the ring when we come back. Garbage can remnants, sticks, crutches, everything. Christian rings Dreamer's bell with a lid and covers him for two. Christian grabs a kendo stick and works Dreamer with it until he rolls out to the floor for a breather. Christian follows him out and avoids a whip into the steel steps but gets a backdrop on the floor anyway. Dreamer clotheslines him over the barrier into the front row and we get a HD closeup of how bruised up his back is. Dreamer tries to attack with a trashcan and Christian leaps off the barricade to smash it in his face with a kick.

Dueling LET'S GO CHRISTIAN and TOMMY DREA-MER chants break out. Dreamer props up a trash can between the ropes in the corner and throws Christian INTO it, at which point he falls to the floor, at which point Striker makes a "taking out the trash" joke. Near fall attempt by Dreamer fails shortly after.

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