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Tha Raw Report

Live from the Verizon Center in Washington D.C. it’s "Raw"! "Raw" begins with Lilian Garcia introducing Jerry 'The King' Lawler who introduces the Guest Host: Shaquille O'Neal!

Shaq announces the plan for the night: A Beat the Clock Challenge to determine the challenger to Randy Orton’s WWE title at SummerSlam! Awesome!

Out comes Jericho to interrupt Shaq. Chris storms out and goes straight face to face with Shaq and disses him! Balls! Must be a Canadian! Shaq calls Chris Christina and kisses him. CLASSIC!

If you know Shaq, he’s a funny guy who loves to joke and this is a classic example. Jericho rants on for a bit, but Shaq gets in his face and punks him off until Jericho calls out his tag team partner, The Big Show.

Now this is getting interesting...Show comes in the ring and goes face to face with Shaq and Shaq is taller!! Shaq blows Show a kiss and they start going at it on the mic until Shaq challenges Big Show to a match!

The Big Show back peddles and Shaq introduces the team he hired to fight the Unified Tag Champs: Cryme Tyme! Shaq announces he’s the special enforcer for his their tag match and it's commercial time with Shaq taunting Jericho. Now that’s a solid start to "Raw"!

First match of the night is a Beat the Clock Match: Mark Henry vs. Carlito. Poor Carlito never thought he had a chance in this match against Henry. I give Carlito credit though for fighting hard. He had Henry off his game for a while there 'till the big man overpowered Carlito. Henry squashes Carlito in 6 minutes and 49 seconds to set the tone for the night…

We go backstage and the new Diva’s Champ Mickie James, Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly get ready for their match next. Ahhhh...I love the WWE Divas, just as much as I love the Knockouts...but the Divas are the top of top.

After the commercial, the ladies come out and getting started. Mickie James, Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim vs. Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendez Solid, yet quick match between these fine ladies. Did Vince read my report last week?

'Cause so far I haven’t been bored yet! The divas mixed it up pretty good in this match and Gail Kim gets the win with a dropkick. I sorta expected Maryse to interfere in this match since the way she went out the night before at the PPV. I do agree with the King. Divas matches are always fun to watch!

After the match, we go backstage to Shaq in his office for the evening as Guest Host or what I like to call Guest GM. Shaq is chillin' when Hornswoggle comes in and they ham it up sayin' their friends from high school an' ting. What a size difference! The Leprechaun goes for the dunk! They clown around and go to commercial. I love WWE comedy when it's really good. This was luke warm but alright. Shaqalicious?

After the break, it's another Beat the Clock Match: MVP vs. Chris Masters. One of these men must beat the time of 6 minutes and 49 seconds. The return of Chris Masters is a surprise. He goes in early and these two dudes go back and forth as the clock counts down. They end up going outside the ring to fight to a double count out.

Either competitor beats the clock. Can you smell a new feud brewing here? I can with a bit of quality, maybe. All I can say is "Raw" has been great so far, the complete opposite of last week and I’m not still high off the Night of Champions pay-per-view.

Next match of the night is The Brian Kendrick vs. Kofi Kingston. Kendick comes out and runs off his mouth again to the King about what happened last week. Him getting his ass handed to him, only to be caught off guard by Kofi. Kingston hits the Trouble in Paradise and gets the quick pinfall. Kendick is such a chump I almost dislike him as much as The Miz.

Just before the next break, we go to to the back where DiBiase blindsides Triple H and hurts his leg before wishing him luck. Foreshadowing for a run in in Triple H’s match?

After the next commercial break, it’s the next Beat the Clock Match: Cody Rhodes vs. Triple H. They show the fiasco from the PPV where Orton had a double submission applied and tapped out, but the double submission confused the ref on who won.

Trips comes out wounded and Cody goes after his injured wheel. Triple H schools the youngster for a bit. The clock ticks and Cody mounts a comeback working on Triple H’s leg. Couple nice boots to the jaw of Rhodes by Hunter with just over two minutes to go. Rhodes goes to the top rope to a fall right into a pedigree.

He gets out of it and gets HHH into a Figure Four that gets reversed. A minute to go and Triple H goes in hard...Where’s that damn sledgehammer?! DiBiase runs in tempting Trips to a DQ. Triple H tries everything he’s got but misses the time limit and misses the shot at being the number one contender at SummerSlam for the WWE Championship...which begs the question. Who’s he gonna feud with at SS?

Backstage it's comedy time again! Shaq is playin Scrabble with Santino! Shaqzilla. You know the jokes started immediately. More Classic WWE comedy. Then Cryme Tyme interrupts, they kick it 'till Santino kicks a wack ass rhyme and gets dismissed. Cryme Tyme steps and Shaq goes back to Scrabble and says even Vince can’t beat him at Scrabble. Is that a challenge?

After a commercial break it's Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero. Hornswoggle comes out and I pray for a non-repeat of last week of his match with Chavo. Lilian announces that Shaq has ordered Chavo to be blindfolded for the match.

The Leprechaun puts up a great fight and beats up Chavo and makes him look foolish for a second week in a row. Hornswoggle gets in a lot of work in on Chavo even though Chavo tries to cheat and the Leprechaun gets the win as expected. But seriously, where is this feud going? And what more can they do with the midget? At least he seems to be a fan favorite, so it’s all good.

Randy Orton & Jack Swagger are backstage and have some words. I smell a new feud here too but is Swagger really up to par? Next match is another Beat the Clock Match: Jack Swagger versus Evan Bourne. Now this match the shocker of the night.

Evan Bourne pulls off the surprise victory. The match was decent, Swagger's slowly growing on me and Evan looks like he’s about to have a bright future.

Backstage, HHH’s leg is bandaged up and Triple H says he is mad at himself because he has been focusing on Randy Orton. He tells Rhodes and DiBiase, he's done playing games and challenges them to a Handicap match on next week's "Raw".

The Miz came out and ran his mouth before the match. What a moron...He’s the Miz and he's awesome ? Yes folks that s what he said. More like he’s the Miz and he’s terrible. But the fact that I dislike The Miz so much just shows you that he’s doing a good job and for that I ain’t mad at him. He’s good at acting like a dickhead, I guess that’s a talent...

Final beat the clock match of the night: The Miz vs. John Cena – the time to beat is 6:49. Cena gets a huge pop. Randy Orton is ringside and The Miz’ game plan is to run out the clock. That’s what I call a recipe for disaster! The Miz tries to run out the clock but ends up tapping out in time to make John Cena the number one contender for SummerSlam to fight Randy Orton. Orton hits the ring and gets in Cena's face. I saw this one coming a mile away.

Main Event Match of the Night: Cryme Tyme vs. The Unified Champions: Chris Jericho &
Big Show (With Shaq as the Special Enforcer).

What’s with the Champions coming out first? It was happening all night last night at Night of Champions. It used to mean the champs were gonna lose. Good match to start. I loved when the Big Show taunted Shaq.

Now there’s a fun match! Like I always tell my homie Sixs, who is 6’10" and a good friend of Shaq coincidentally ,that he should be a wrestler and if I was his or Shaq’s size I‘d be all about it!

Shaq helps Cryme Tyme here and there through the match. Big Show cleans house and the ref calls for the bell. Show grabs Cryme Tyme for the double chokeslam and throws 'em down taunting Shaq. Shaq takes the bait and hits the ring.

They go face to face, the pushing starts. They grab each other by the throat. Cryme Tyme makes the save and Shaq blasts Show out the ring! WOW! I wanna see this one!!! Can you say SummerSlam!?? Remember Floyd Mayweather fighting the Show? Doesn’t sound to far-fetched. And they’re the same size!

Cryme Tyme celebrates their win by DQ. Duh...some dancing and the champs stare 'em down until Shaq chases them away and "Raw" goes off the air.

I must say a much improved show from last week! Thanks Vince. At least someone values
my opinion.

Raw Results – Monday July 27, 2009.

Beat the Clock Match: Mark Henry vs. Carlito
Winner: Mark Henry

Mickie James, Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim vs. Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendez
Winners: Mickie James, Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly

Beat the Clock Match: MVP vs. Chris Masters
Winner: Double Countout

The Brian Kendrick vs. Kofi Kingston
Winner: Kofi Kingston

Beat the Clock Match: Cody Rhodes vs. Triple H
Winner: None

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Winner: Hornswoggle

Beat the Clock Match: Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
Winner: Evan Bourne

Beat The Clock match: John Cena vs. The Miz
Winner: John Cena

Cryme Tyme vs The Unified Champions: Chris Jericho & Big Show
Winner: By DQ Cryme Tyme

3 comments: on "Tha Raw Report"

Anonymous said...

I predict that the HHH vs Legacy feud is a set-up for the return of Shawn Michaels and DX vs Legacy at Summer Slam. -Fan in Van.

Andrew Gray said...

Looks like HBK's role at SummerSlam will be teaming with Triple H to take on Rhodes and Dibiase.

D.J.B. said...

If you Andrew and Fan in Van are correct let it just be Triple HBK not DX. I can't stomach a further bastardization of a once great stable. Waynes World was funny, but Waynes World 2 was not, neither would 3 and 4 be.

Hey David, you know man, I was where you are months ago with Miz, but hopefully you too will join...well I guess the dark side and be in Miz' corner.

Jack Swagger is to me now what Miz was some time ago. Swagger is just a decent worker who happened to play football for JR's Sooners. Other than that he's a fast nut for Vince's boner for big men. There are several other guys that deserve that spot (or at least the spot in terms of direction it appears to be going). Benjamin, MVP, and Charlie Haas to name a few. Let me jump back to the Miz topic though, having him lose that fast was retarded. They make everyone with the exception of Orton (sometimes) look like a Jabroni at the expense of H and Orton, and it irritates me. Miz should have lost in 6:48 or as close as they could have gotten it. I guess with his Obama comment they thought they'd have him lose way early and appease the Obamaites and the Cenation. Miz is a guy they can use and build on but they keep chumping him out. It's dumb. Since Cena and Cryme Tyme were both on "Raw" it made me think back to the short-lived CTC stuff they tried to do. It could have worked. Maybe.

Santino Marella is the best thing on "Raw" period. Shaq actually upped the ratings this week, but I was not as thrilled with his guest hosting performance as you were. I'm a big Shaq fan on the court but the last thing off court he did to entertain me was the Taco Bell Double Decker commercial when that was a new taco. "Soft! Crunchy! Soft! Crunchy!"