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Tha Raw Report

Courtesy of Killa Kev of

Tonight's Raw and Raw Recap is dedicated to our fine men and women, past and present, who volunteer to put their lives and bodies on the line to serve and protect the people of and the values of the United States of America. Whether you are serving abroad or defending the homeland, thank you.

Happy Memorial Day everybody! We're live from the STAPES Center in Los Angeles, CA. Michael Cole introduces Jim Ross, stepping into the color commentary role for Jerry "the King" Lawler as he is actually participating in tonight's five-on-five "Lakers vs. Nuggets" main event!

Kicking things off tonight is the "Denver Debacle", which I won't go into details if you've been reading the news for the last week then you know why we're at the STAPLES Center in Los Angeles instead of the Pepsi Center in Denver, CO. And you'll also understand why there is this fake "E. Stan Kronke", "owner" of the Denver Nuggets, coming out to the middle of the ring. "Good evening," says Mr. Kroenke, "I am the owner of the soon to be NBA champion Denver Nuggets! And I cannot stand the WWE or its fans for that matter! Do you think that I care that I screwed thousands of WWE fans? I do not.

I have much more important things to do with my time instead of you people. I am a respected business man, tycoon billionaire, and over the past week or so I've been villified and made fun of by the WWE, the media, and each and every one of you! For example, take a look at this!" The WWE RawHD Tron throws up a graphic of Mr. Kroenke and Mr. McMahon. "They put a tail and horns on me! And a halo for Vince McMahon? Let me assure you I am no devil, and Vince McMahon is certainly no angel! And, by the way, my Nuggets will..."

NO CHANCE! THAT'S WHAT YA GOT! Mr. McMahon's music hits and the boss hits the ring with a mic, brushing Mr. Kroenke aside. "Tonight I'm announcing the formation of a new professional basketball league," says Vince tongue-in-cheek. "This league will rival the National Basketball Association, this league will be known as the XBA! Unfortunately this league will be a complete and utter failure, and this is because I'm going to hire you and your staff to run it," pointing to Mr. Kroenke.

Vince then bitches out Mr. Kroenke for not calling him and explaining that there was a scheduling conflict, and because of that Vince & Co. are going to have some fun at Mr. Kroenke's expense. For example, Mr. McMahon points out that the "E" in "E. Stan Kroenke" is short for "Enis", and has his laughs by drecrying, "You're an ENIS!" which elicits "You're an Enis!" chant from the fans.

Mr. McMahon continues, "I know, you thougth I was going to say that other word that rhymes with 'Enis', and that is... ... ... GENIUS! But we know you're not, you're an embicille!" Mr. McMahon tells Mr. Kroenke that the WWE Universe will not be pushed around, they will push back, and then shoves Mr. Kroenke out of the ring." Mr. McMahon starts to step out of the ring when Mike "the Miz" Mizanin's music hits, and the celeb-reality-turned-wrestler comes out with a mic.

"Hold on, with all due respect, Mr. McMahon, because I wouldn't dream of interrupting you..." says Mike Mizanin, "I have something very important to say to the WWE fans. As you all know I became a huge TV star in Los Angeles, HOME OF THE LAKERS! The team that everyone here thinks is going to become the NBA champions! Well, REALITY CHECK, because *I* am from the city where the real future NBA champions reside... CELEVELAND, OHIO!" Mizanin whips off his jacket and sports a Cavs jersey.

"Now they may be down 2 to 1, but the Cavs will overcome all odds and win it all, because Lebron James is just like the Miz, AWESOME, while John Cena is an over-rated phoney poser, kinda like Kobe Bryant! And in the five-on-five main event match tonight, I will run John Cena out of this town just like Kobe did Shaq! It will be more painful than Magic Johnson's talk show! And the Miz will become 6-0 against Cena, because the WWE is where The Miz happens!"

John Cena stomps out to the ring, no music, no mic, hearing enough. Suddenly Ted DiBiase, Jr. and Cody Rhodes ambush Cena from behind, Miz gets in on it and it's a 3-on-1 attack. Dave Batista runs out and spinebusters all three men in the center of the ring. Big Show runs out and attacks Batista from behind, clotheslines Cena and punches him in the chest. Jerry "the King" Lawler comes out and busts Big Show in his grill a dozen times before eating a headbutt from Big Show, sending him out of the ring. Big Show turns around and finds Batista and Cena right there in his face, clotheslining him out of the ring. Batista's music hits as Cena and "the Animal" hold the center of the ring.

WWE DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP: champion Maryse Oulet vs. Kelly Kelly

We take a commercial as we see both women backstage heading towards the ring for this match. This week's WWE Rewind is last week's Diva's battle royal (which wasn't really a battle royal) where Maryse sprayed Mickie James in the eyes with some hairspray, allowing Kelly Kelly to get a cheap win and become #1 Contender for Maryse's title.

Oulet holds up the start of the match so she can pose for the fans, Kelly isn't impressed and immitates it, to a much bigger reaction from the crowd. Oulet uses the opportunity to pummell Kelly to the mat, then hit a sloppy backbreaker over the knee, goes for a non-challant cover for a two count, Oulet tries it again, simply laying backwards on Kelly, before throwing her face-first into the mat and paintbursh slapping the back of the head and pulling the hair. Oulet tells the referee to step off when he tries to break it up, and goes back to the hair pulling and taunting.

Oulet tries to whip Kelly into the corner, Kelly reverses it, connects with a clothesline, cartwheels backwards and tells Oulet to bring it! Oulet charges, Kelly whips her to the opposite corner, springboard reverse elbow into the corner, armdrag out, goes for a cover, two count, and then the two women start brawling, mounting each other and throwing punches until the referee breaks it up. Oulet rolls out of the ring for a breather, Kelly follows her out, Oulet whips her into the announcer's table, plants her on top and fires away with punches to the face. Oulet throws Kelly over the other side of the table, then rolls back into the ring to try to beat the count, but the referee disqualifies Oulet instead.

WINNER: Kelly Kelly by disqualification. BWAH??? WTF?? Ref is telling Oulet that she's DQed for shoving Kelly over the table? The guys get away with that shit ALL THE TIME and it's fair game! What bullshit! Kelly Kelly thinks it is as well, she jumps back in the ring and beats the living shit out of Maryse Oulet like she's a red-headed stepchild, referee has to break it up and allow Oulet to escape. I'd almost call that "TNAriffic", but not even TNA would do something stupid like that... wait, yeah they would. Let's take a commercial, I need a drink now.

We come back with another skit in the back, "Jack Nicholson" was sitting at ringside earlier, is walking backstage with the Bella Twins. They bump into Goldust and Hornswaggle, who want a shot in a movie and offer to show off their skills. I'm not going to cover this shit.

We flash back to last week where Ric Flair confronted Randy Orton, and got his ass laid out by Orton who didn't want to hear Flair running him down and didn't like being told he would have to defend the WWE Championship against Dave Batista at WWE "Extreme Rules" in three weeks inside a steel cage.

We then cut backstage where Dave Batista confronts Ric Flair backstage, Flair tells Batista not to talk him out of it, he's going out tonight to confront Orton. Batista says why do it this week when he can do it in three weeks after the PPV. Flair is insulted because he doesn't want to pick apart what's left of Orton after Batista creams him in the cage, he's a fighter and he's going out there tonight to take care of business.

Triple Threat Match for #1 Contender for the WWE United States Championship:
Matt Hardy vs. Kofi Kingston vs. William Regal

Winner of this match gets a shot against US Champ Montel Vontaveous Porter next week on Raw. Kingston and Hardy skirmish off the bat, Hardy bails out of the ring, holding his injured wrist. Regal attacks Kingston in the corners with knees, whips him to the opposite corner, follows up with a knee to the face, quick cover that Kingston escapes.

Regal puts Kingston in the corner with a pair of European Uppercuts, whips him out again, Kingston catches him with a boot to the face, gets whipped off the ropes but rebounds off the ropes with a reverse elbow. Kingston tries to bounce off the ropes, but Hardy grabs the legs, Regal follows up with a clothesline, Kingston hits his own clothesline, Hardy runs in and tries to pin both men at once! Hardy picks off Regal and throws him out of the ring. Hardy whips Kingston in the corner, turns around and see MVP walking down to the ring, we take a commercial.

Back to the action, Porter has joined the announcing team at ringside, during the commercial we see Kingston hitting a nice high cross-body block from the top rope on Hardy, the pin broken up by Regal. Regal now is trying to take Kingston down with a sleeper, instead opts for a wicked overhead release suplex. Hardy gets in and knocks Regal out, tries to backdrop Kingston out of the ring, Kingston holds on and slingshots himself back in on Hardy.

Regal gets in and knocks Hardy out, starts dueling with Kingston. Kingson throws Regal into the corner, Regal runs in and cheapshots Regal in the face, then Kingston. Regal grabs Hardy's injured arm, wrings it, and then drops a knee on it, Hardy powders out, Kingston whips Regal into the corner, charges, Regal drops him over the top, Kingston hangs on, forearm shot on Regal, climbs to the top turnbuckle, flies, goes for a cover, Hardy breaks it up.

Kingston lets loose with the kicks, clotheslines and the high legdrop on Hardy, covers, one... two... Hardy kicks out. Hardy backs off into a corner, Kingston leaps up on him and throws rights, Regal runs in and hits the Exploder Suplex on Kingston, Hardy hits the Side Effect on Regal, covers, two count. Hardy with a Side Effect on Kingston, cover, two count. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate on Regal, Regal spins him around and hits the belly-to-back suplex. Regal pulls down his kneepad, sets up for Kingston and charges, Kingston counters with the Trouble in Paradise, cover, one... two... Hardy breaks it up, rolls Regal out of the ring. Hardy charges at Kingston with the cast-covered forearm shot, Kingston ducks it, turns around hits the Trouble in Paradise on Hardy, cover, 1-2-3.

WINNER: Kofi Kingston. Kingston staggers out of the ring and and gets right in MVP's face, goes "BOOM! BOOM! BOMM!" Kingston stands up and congratulates him, tells Kingston that he wanted him to win and wants him in the ring next week. Kingston walks off to celebrate, Porter finishes his babyface commentary. Backstage we see Ric Flair walking to the ring. Commercial.

The WWE "Slam of the Week" sponsored by Snickers is last Monday's three-on-two handicap match between Batista & Cena and Legacy, with interference from Ric Flair to make the difference.

Ric Flair calls out Randy Orton

"WHOO!" we hear over the PA system as Flair marches down to the ring with a mic. "Orton... Randy Orton... the world champion sucker punched me last week, and had his way with me last week. I haven't lost sight of that moment. In fact, all I could think of was what Jericho did to me, and that ain't going to happen. So I was thinking, I'm Ric Flair, the 16-time world champion, Orton is the world champion. I just want to see you do it right here tonight! Don't feel sorry for me! Feel sorry for if you DON'T beat me! Come out here, bring it, short and sweet, bring it!"

Randy Orton wastes no time coming out with a mic. "What do you actually think will happen if I get into that ring right now and we fight? I'd love to fight you, I honestly would, I should beat you down on principle alone, but I can't. Not because I have respect for you but last week I lowered myself to punching a 60 year-old!" Flair starts to argue, and Orton shuts him down.

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I'm not Chris Jericho! How about you listen to me when I talk to you! IT IS OVER! I'm not Chris Jericho, IT IS OVER! Six years ago back in Evolution it was over then! Triple H only kept you around because he felt sorry for you! I'm starting to feel sorry for you, Ric. Truth be told, all of these people are starting to feel sorry for you. It's OVER, Ric Flair."

Flair throws down his mic as Orton steps into the ring, still talking. "Ric... IT IS OVER!" Flair slaps Orton in the face, Orton kicks him in the midsection, Orton then jumps him and lays in punches, then bails quickly as Batista comes in to break it up. Batista has to hold Flair back by the waist to prevent him from going after Orton. Orton pics up his mic and talks more. "Smart, Batista, smart! Waste your time with him, waste your time with this washed-up pathetic excuse of a legend! because after Extreme Rules after I beat you ins a steel cage, you're going to be just like him! It's going to be all over for you too!"

"KENNEDY! KENNEDY" we hear over the PA system and Mr. Ken Kennedy, with a goatee we haven't seen since his OVW days, busts out on the stage! Kennedy looks skyward, strikes his pose, and waits for his microphone to drop. "You, ah... look kinda surprised, Randy. Oh, did you think this was over?

Did you think this was over, too, because I think it's just getting started! This is just the beginning, Randy, in fact tonight marks the official return of a man who will very shortly be among many other things DOUBLE DOUBLE EEEH CHAMPION! Oh, oh... and, uh... also.. that guy... is also gonna be... oh, I dunno, the final guy in the five-on-five main event tonight! And that man is known all around the world as... MIIISSSSTTEEERRRRRRRR KKEEENNNNNEEEEDDDYYY! "

Orton walks off, not impressed. "KENNEDY!" finishes Kennedy. Yeah, I wasn't too impressed either.

Mixed Tag Team Match: Santino Marella & Mickie James vs. Chavo Guerrero, Jr & Beth Phoenix (w/ Rosa Mendez)

The winning team gets to pick the match stipulation for Vickie Guerrero vs. Santina Marella for the Miss WrestleMania crown at Extreme Rules. HOORAH. No, not really. Meh. M-E-H MEH!

Guerrero and Marella start off first, Guerrero rushes Marella, beats him down, side suplex, cover, two count. Guerrero chokes Marella on the middle ropes, puts him in the corner and punches until the ref breaks it up. Phoenix chokes Marella in the corner, Guerrero charges for a splash, Marella ducks out of the way, Phoenix tags herself in and chases after Marella, but this is a mixed tag team match, not intergender. Mickie James stiffs her with a forearm, ummm... I got distracted, something happened, Chavo flies across the ring and tries to spear Marella on the apron, Marella side-steps it, Phoenix charges Marella, he jumps off the apron, James comes up from behind with a crucifix pin for the victory.

WINNERS: Santino Marella & Mickie James. "Excuse me! Excuse me!" proclaims WWE Raw General Manager and "Miss WrestleMania" Vickie Guerrero. "Excuse me! Congratulations on your victory, Santino, but before you pick the type of match your twin sister and me will have at Extreme Rules, I just want to say that I won't worry about it, because I will have Chavo officially in my corner."

Marella responds, "I'm supposed to be scared of that, huh? But I got-a so many matches in my head. One was-ah Leaning Tower of Pizza match! One was a Pasta-on-a-Pole match! But what I decided on was a HOG PIN MATCH! Thats-a-right! You're gonna be with the hogs!"

I have no idea what this means, but Jim Ross is ecstatic for it.

Backstage Big Show confronts Mike Mizanin. "I don't like you. No one likes you. But tonight if you want to get in the ring and mix it up a little bit with John Cena, I'm alright with that. But understand this - you don't pin John Cena. In fact, nobody pins John Cena. At Extreme Rules in three weeks, I'm going to make John Cena TAP OUT!"

Big Show walks off, and Miz sarcastically replies, "Ooh! Just like you did at Judgment Day?" Big Show walks back into the camera frame, pins Miz up against the wall and says, "Did you just say something?" Miz swallows his tongue and meekly replies, "No." "Good," says Big Show, "that's what I thought!"

Goldust & Hornswoggle vs. THE Brian Kendrick & Festus Dalton

The WWE Unified Tag Team Champions Carlito & Primo Colon are at the announcer's table for commentary. Goldust & Hornswoggle are introduced. We flash back to last week where the Colons beat Goldust & Brian Kendrick, Kendrick blamed the lost on Goldust, tried to start a fight and got put in his place. Kendrick comes out with Festus Dalton, not a bad choice at all if they'd give Festus a new gimmick!

Bell rings, Dalton fires up at hearing the bell, and Kendrick bails the ring quickly! So does Goldust, who tags out to Hornswoggle. Festus, though, doesn't seem to want to fight him, pulling his hair. Hornswoggle runs across the ring and dropkicks Kendrick in the face, after Kendrick dropped down to the floor after yelling at Dalton. Kendrick tags himself in, throws Hornswoggle around, rolls him up for a pin, Hornswoggle actually kicks out. Kendrick kicks Hornswoggle in the face, picks him up for a slam, Hornswoggle actually converts it into a DDT!

Hornswoggle escapes and tags in Goldust. Clothesline, atomic drop, clothesline, whip off the ropes, reversal, Kendrick goes for a back body drop, Goldust drops down and uppercuts Kendrick in the face. Kendrick responds with a dropkick, wants Dalton to tag in, Dalton shakes his head no, Kendrick slaps Dalton, Dalton steps into the ring and tries to attack Kendrick, referee has to hold him back. This lets Goldust hit a body slam, Hornswoggle hit the Tadpole Splash and Goldust finishes him with the Final Cut.

WINNERS: Goldust & Hornswoggle. After the bell Kendrick gets pissed off at Dalton, who is now comatose again. Kendrick grabs a chair and wants to rack him in the head, but Primo Colon rings the bell before he does it, Dalton fires back up and chases Kendrick out of the ring.

For fuck's sake, this is worthless. WWE could have done SO MUCH with this show and they did NOTHING. NOTHING. PATHETIC. HORRIBLE. WORST RAW EVER. If this is what WWE was going to give Denver then the Denver fans should be grateful that all they lost were their fucking "non-refundable" Ticketmaster charges. HEY! Don't forget, TNA Wrestling is coming to Colorado this weekend, take your tickets and get $10 off the show!

You know what is worst of all? If this show HAD been in Denver, you could be sure that some REAL celebrities showed up - the Broncos, the Rockies or the Aves players would be sitting on the front row. Instead we got FAKE celebs and Michael Clark Duncan. WTF? Take your goofy ass back to the Green Mile! This officially fucking sucks.

"Laker vs. Nuggets" Five-on-Five Challenge: Mike "the Miz" Mizanin, Big Show, Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase, Jr. vs. Jerry "the King" Lawler, John Cena, Dave Batista, Ken Kennedy & WWE United States Champion Montel Vontaveous Porter

Oh, hoorah! We have the STAPLES Center announcer introducting everybody like they're basketball players. We start off with Lawler and Rhodes, I was too busy bitching in the chat room to see what happened, but Lawler tags in Batista, Batista tosses around Rhodes, tags in MVP, throws Rhodes around, whips him off the ropes, ducks down for a back body drop, Rhodes kicks him in the face, drives him to the corner, tags in DiBiase. DiBiase beats up on MVP, whips him into the ropese, reversal, MVP ducks down again, gets kicked in the face again. DiBiase bounces off the ropes, tags a blind tag from Orton, MVP clotheslines DiBiase but gets an inverted atomic drop from Orton and then dispatched out of the ring, where Big Show clotheslines him and we take a break.

Back from break, DiBiase has MVP in a reverse chinlock, MVP scrambling to get to his feet, does so and hits the Jawbreaker to break the hold. MVP crawls for the tag, DiBiase gets a hot tag to Mizanin, who cuts off MVP and drags him back to the middle of the ring, applies a reverse chinlock of his own. Porter gets to his feet, elbows his way out, Mizanin cuts him off with a knee to the midsection, goes to throw him into the ropes, Porter counters with a SWEET belly-to-back suplex and connects with the hot tag to Kennedy. Kennedy whips Mizanin off the ropes and hits a pair of clotheslines, whips Mizanin into the corner, reversal, Kennedy gets a pair of boots up, follows up with the roundhouse kick that connects, covers, two count!

Kennedy goads Mizanin to get up, puts Mizanin on his shoulders, Randy Orton jumps into the ring to distract the referee while RHodes and Orton pull Kennedy out of the ring and throw him into the guardrail, then throw him in the ring, Mizanin covers, two count. Mizanin tags in Orton who beats Kennedy down with hammerfists, Batista gets in the ring and the ref has to put him back in. Kennedy tries to scramble for a tag, Orton drags him back into his corner, grabs the legs and stomps him in the chest. Cena tries to encourage Kennedy, Orton turns around and stares him down, Cena sobers up. Orton with a knee to Kennedy's chest, cover, two count.

Big Show tags in, kicks Kennedy in the chest, picks him up for a headbutt, picks him up for a giant scoop slam, follows up with an elbow drop to the chest, cover and gets only two. Kennedy tries to punch his way out, Big Show chops him in the chest a few times, then punches the ribs to send Kennedy back to the mat. Rhodes tags in and stomps on the exposed ribs, then drills Kennedy in the forehea a few times before tagging out to DiBiase, who kicks Kennedy in the face as Rhodes holds him up.

DiBiase tags back out to Rhodes, the grab the arms, wind them up and deliver a pair of fists to the chest, Rhodes covers, two count. Mizanin tags in and kicks Kennedy in the ribs, legdrop, and into a reverse chinlock in the middle of the ring.

Kennedy scrambles, trying to get to his feet as the fans chant "Let's go Lakers" chant. Mizanin puts Kennedy in his team's corner, tags in DiBiase, DiBiase with some punches to the head, cover, two count. Kennedy crawls for a tag, DiBiase stands over him and taunts him, then slaps on a side headlock to cut off his advance, talking more trash. Kennedy gets to his feet, elbows and punches out, bounces off the ropes and eats a shoulder block.

DiBiase tags in Orton, DiBiase hems up Kennedy, Orton with a boot to the midsection, cover by Orton, two count. Orton again pins, hooks the legs, two count. Kennedy crawls for another tag, Orton wraps him up in a body scissor / side headlock combo, not quite a Rear Naked Choke but close. Kennedy gets to his feet again, punches Orton in the ribs, breaks loose, bounces off the ropes Orton nails him with a standing dropkick, covers, Batista runs in to break it up. Kennedy crawls for another tag, Orton recoves, puts Kennedy in another side headlock, but Kennedy gets to his feet and back suplexes Orton to break it.

Hot tags are made on both sides, Cena vs Rhodes, Cena explodes with a pair of shoulder blocks, the side slam, and then takes his time to prepare for the Five Knuckle Shuffle... NOT! He tags in Porter, and they hit the Five Knuckle Shuffle and the BALLIN~! elbow drop simultaneously! Jerry Lawler tags in and hits the fist driver! MVP finishes off Rhodes with the Playmaker! 1-2-3!

WINNERS: Cena/Batista/Lawler/Kennedy/Porter. DiBiase attacks Porter from behind and hits the Dream Street, Kennedy runs in and hits the Mic Check, Randy Orton runs in and hits the RKO, Batista runs in and tries to set up Orton for the Batista Bomb, but Big Show gets in and stops it, tries for the Choke Slam, Cena gets in and also gets set up for the Choke Slam, but Cena and Batista both kick Big Show in the gut and snap off a double-team suplex. Batista and Cena hold the middle of the ring once again as we go off the air.

Thank God this show is over. I'm done. Goodnight!

1 comments: on "Tha Raw Report"

Victor Wildcat said...

Did anyone notice they announced Maryse as being from "Montreal, Ontario, Canada"? Way to go.