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5.25.2009

Suckrifice

Okay, so maybe that wasn't the most clever title I've ever come up with. Did I mail it in on that one? Oh yeah. Did TNA's pay-per-view offering last night deserve any more than that? No way.

I'm used to TNA not making sense. No, really. I've been covering TNA on and off on Tha O Show since 2006, and in that time span, I think I've become one of just a handful of people walking God's green earth that can actually make some sense of what's being put on TV. But last night's show was even beyond my comprehension. I can't believe I put down my beer and turned off Married With Children for that.

First match of the night, and we're already seeing a plethorical assload of high spots and fliptility. Yes, I realize that I'm beating a dead horse by bringing this up, but it's hard to avoid the subject when it's so damn prevalent on their programming. Ring psychology and good storytelling are essential to a match, and when it's all about the high spots, that goes completely out the window. Imagine someone verbally telling you a story using the same storytelling technique used by Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley. Are you cringing yet?

The one interesting thing about this match was the fact that Mike Tenay and Don West continually brought up the fact that Eric Young was never tagged into the match, and also their focus on his reaction to winning the match. I'm interested in seeing what unfolds. A heel turn, perhaps?

Taylor Wilde can work. So can Daffney. The Knockout division used to be a proud point of emphasis on TNA programming. It was hot. It was entertaining. People tuned in to watch what unfolded because it was compelling. And now it's fodder for an impending Abyss vs. Steven Richards match. Great. Talented females are being used as a vehicle for a storyline between a guy who shot his dad in the back of the head (allegedly), and the head of Right To Censor. Can't wait for that match.

Suicide and Christopher Daniels put on a tremendous match. This is what the X Division should be about. Fuck your 500 high spots, give me good technical wrestling. I can understand why Daniels wouldn't have wanted to win the title thanks to interference from wrestling's version of the Harlem Globetrotters, but why did he impose a time limit? Couldn't he have just asked for the match to be restarted? Confusing booking. I'll step off my soapbox about this one if and only if there's a rematch at Slammiversary. Otherwise, the ending of this match was as useless as the chapter on pussy eating in Dan's copy of Kama Sutra.

Angelina Love is being built as a chickenshit heel, which I'm fine with. It actually makes sense, since it's hard for one character to be both vain and a monster/badass at the same time. Plus, I would've shat upon the idea of Kong immediately winning back the championship. Thank you, TNA, for giving me something worthwhile on this card. Even if I didn't get to see my favorite version of The Big Wiggle pre-match. Oh, it's always a good article when I can throw a Norman Smiley reference in!

Most people have heard the hot rumor that Taz is coming to TNA to be Samoa Joe's new mentor, and TNA has been dropping several subtle hints as of late to further strengthen the rumors. Among these hints is the fact that Joe is wrestling a slightly different style, using more submission moves than he had in the past year or so. While I'm a huge mark for Joe, I'm worried that TNA put the wheels in motion for this too soon. Promoting something for too long can make it fall flat. Bringing in a new manager for Samoa Joe will probably be a big deal, so promoting it in a way that will make fans not care when it finally happens is worrisome news to me.

Beer Money is going to face Team 3D again for the titles. Hype. Hopefully it's as good as last time. It's nice to know that some people still appreciate the art of tag team wrestling. Although, Beer Money was a heel team, and then they turned face, so I wonder if they'll turn heel again now that they're facing Team 3D again. Ridiculous, you say? Well, it's TNA, what do you expect?

AJ Styles and Booker T...you can't go wrong there. Anticlimactic, schmoz finish? Sure, but it's an "I Quit" match, that's par for the course. Every finish in that type of match is usually some sort of schmoz, save for Bert vs. Austin at WrestleMania 13. Yes, I'm aware I made a typo in that last sentence. No, I'm not changing it, it's more entertaining to me that way.

Now, we come to the main event. I've been rather kind during my review. At least, in comparison to the venom I'm about to spew over this clusterfucktacular.

How in God's name can you have a main event, at a pay-per-view, where the champion is in the match, and where the title is up for grabs, and not have the ending of the match have anything to do with the damned title? The complete and utter lack of sense behind that is baffling. I feel as though, by watching that match, I have been mindfucked by some of the most painfully erratic booking in the history of wrestling. The Fingerpoke Of Doom thought this ending sucked!

What's worse is, TNA never once explained exactly how the rules of this "Ultimate Sacrifice" match worked. Sting wins, so he's the champion, right? Nope! Tenay explains, after the match (which is well after you could actually explain what the match was in order to promote the pay-per-view), that the title would only change hands if Foley was pinned. Why didn't TNA explain this weeks in advance?

So now, the fallout of your big main event, the finish if which didn't even involve the champion, is that Sting now controls the Main Event Mafia. Who fucking cares? Sting's already in MEM, and the big rift between Kurt and Sting was several months ago. Using this match to propel that storyline is the utmost form of beating a dead horse.

This entire pay-per-view was laughable. It made no sense and did nothing to close any storylines. If anything, it added unnecessary dimensions to overcomplexify the current storylines. Waste of my time. I can't believe I sacrificed three hours of my life to watch this.

Oh yeah, the commentary was so goddamn terrible that I muted it after the X Division match. West is getting progressively worse. He's terrible as a heel commentator, he sounds like he's talking out of his ass 24/7. I prefer the babyface, "everything in TNA is great!" Don West to this version. By a lot.

Tha Results:
- Lethal Consequences and Eric Young def. The Motor City Machinerguns and Sheik Abdul Bashir
- Taylor Wilde def. Daffney in the Knockouts Monster's Ball Match
- Suicide retained the X Championship in a time limit draw over Christopher Daniels
- Angelina Love def. Awesome Kong to retain the Knockouts Title
- Samoa Joe def. Kevin Nash
- Beer Money, Inc. def. The British Invasion to win the Team 3D Tournament
- AJ Styles def. Booker T to retain the TNA Legends Title in an I Quit match
- Sting pinned Kurt Angle to win the "Ultimate Sacrifice" main event (As a result, Sting gains control of The Main Event Mafia)


6 comments: on "Suckrifice"

Victor Wildcat said...

Word is: Homicide and Suicide are forming a tag team called "Chris Benoit".... well maybe not, but I'd mark. It'd be better than half the shit they put out.

stANLy ManLY said...

I have a spoon and I used it to eat gravy. I showed Jeff Jarrett my special helmet for my go play outside. Him say me write for TNA. YAY!

Matt said...

I've got to O for victor's joke

D. Ross said...

"Otherwise, the ending of this match was as useless as the chapter on pussy eating in Dan's copy of Kama Sutra."

Brilliant.

You pretty much summed up my reaction. I actually sat down and watched this mess while in the Angrymarks chat room. I cant believe anyone paid for this shit. And how anyone can be a fan of TNA after this is beyond me comprehension.

When a chat room can call a finish based on the most ridiculous scenerio you know a company isn't right.

tna fan said...

i agree with you chris main event sucked but i loved the rest of the ppv imo

tna fan said...

i disagree loved the ppv but the main event sucked