Tha Raw Report: Killa Kev's WWE Raw Recap

Today's "Tha Raw Report" is being covered by Killa Kev of AngryMarks.com:

We start tonight's show with the recap of the returning John Cena defeating Chris Jericho to win his first-ever WWE World Heavyweight Championship (reminder - he previously held the WWE Championship, the infamous "Spinner Belt" that now girds the loins of the also-returning Edge over on "SmackDown!").

We then recap last week's actions, including determining that Chris Jericho will be the #1 Contender for that title and get his rematch ahead of Randy Orton and Dave Batista, and John Cena snapping and beating the ever-loving piss out of Jericho at the end of the night.

We then go live to the hallways of the arena, where the camera is focused in on the new AWA-style "Hustle, Loyalty, Respect" John Cena banner, with the voice of Chris Jericho ringing tthrough a mic. The camera then pans over to Jericho, who is surrounded by a bevy of black-shirt security guards. Jericho says that unlike Cena, he doesn't want to mingle with the fans, and in fact he hired this security entourage to keep the fans away from him.

As they walk into the arena and down to the ring, Jericho babbles on about how he didn't do things for the fans, how he doesn't like the fans, and how he has accomplished everything he's ever wanted.

Jericho finally steps into the ring and the boos increase. "You can boo me all you want," responds Jericho, "and you can cheer for John Cena all you want. Because it doesn't matter to me, none of you are worthy of being my fans. None of you are worth competing for because you are all worthless for me. But there is one John Cena fan worth saving, one John Cena fan that is important to me, and that is my son. Three years ago John Cena beat me in a match that caused me to get fired from the WWE, and my son was only two years old at the time, he was too young to realize who his father was... Between the ages of two and five my son started watching WWE, and he became a WWE fan.

But, to my horror, he became a John Cena fan as well! He would parade around my living room and proclaim, 'The champ is here, Dad! The champ is here!' ... And how do you think that makes me feel to know that my son's very hero was the man who got me fired in the first place?!? So, I took action. I banned my son from watching the WWE. He was kicking, crying and screaming, but I stuck to my principles, and I made sure that he was not allowed to see the WWE again."

The fans start a huge "You suck! You suck!" chant. Jericho continues on about how his son wasn't allowed to watch WWE any further. "But I'm going to lift the ban," Jericho continues, "and it's going to start at Armageddon, because I want him to see his former hero, John Cena, beaten down. I want to see the crestfallen looks on everybody's faces when John Cena loses the title, I want him to hear the gasps of disappointment when John Cena loses the title. I want him to see his real hero coming home with the World Heavyweight Championship around his waist, and that is me."


Cue the intros, fire the pyros, we're live in Washington, D.C. tonight and HOLY HELL that was a deep and unrepentent promo from Chris Jericho! Tonight we have WWE Champion John Cena facing Kane, but we're going right into our third IC Tourney match!

WWE Intercontinental Championship Tournament:
Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs. Mike "the Miz" Mizanin

As Mysterio enters the arena, his path to the ring is blocked by Mike Knox. Mysterio walks up, then fires away with a few clubs to the chest. Knox shoves Mysterio back, and Mysterio slips off of the ramp, slamming his right forearm into the ramp. Knox pounces him and lays in punches until WWE referee Jack Doane runs in and breaks it up, sends Knox to the back. Mysterio is screaming "My arm! My arm!" as we go to commercial.

Lord. Did we have to start the show like this? Really? Apparently this match is now going to be postponed, we come back from break and we find Layla London talking to WWE Raw GM Stephanie McMahon, who agrees with Layla that if Mysteiro cannot perform tonight, then he'll be eliminated from the tournament.

WWE World Tag Team Champions CM Punk & Kofi Kingston vs. Priceless (Cody Rhodes & Manu) (non-title match)

We start out with CM Punk and Cody Rhodes, Rhodes with a side headlock, Punk with the go-behind into the hammerlock, tags in Kingston who leaps into the ring, sunset flips over Rhodes into a pin attempt. Rhodes rakes the eyes, tags in Manu, who beats up on Kingston and then tries to throw him over the ropes, turns around to gloat to Punk about it, Punk points to Manu that he needs to turn around, because Kingston held onto the ropes and just flipped back in. Manu charges, Kingston pulls down the top rope, and Manu sails over the top as we take another fucking break.

Back to the action, Rhodes is bouncing off the ropes, Punk uses his head as a battering ram, jabbing it into Rhode's midsection. Rhodes manages to make a tag to Manu, however, who cuts off Punk from making a tag. Manu throws Punk around a little, tags in Rhodes, who works over Punk, including trying to put him into a Surfboard. Punk kicks Rhodes in the midsection, tries to make the hot tag, Rhodes grabs the leg and clotheslines Punk, tags in Manu.

Manu continues to level Punk with bodyslams and beatings on various parts of the body, tags in Rhodes who measures out a rolling kneedrop, then mounts Punk for some ground 'n pound. Rhodes goes for a cover, two count. Rhodes with knees into the ribs, picks up Punk, hems him up with a full nelson and leans in for Manu to tag himself in, Manu lays in a double-fist to the chest. Punk rallies with a spinning heel kick into the midsections, Punk tries for a sunset flip for a pin but Manu cuts him off.

Manu tries for a senton backsplash on Punk, Punk rolls out of the way, tries to make a hot tag. Rhodes tags in, grabs Punk's leg, Punk with a kick into the face, tags in Kingston who flies all over the place nailing Rhodes with one kick after another. Kingston bounces off the ropes and hits the high double-leg drop, covers, Manu comes in to break it up. Punk runs in and bulldogs Manu, sending both out of the ring. Rhodes tries for a roll-up from behind using the ropes, Kingston holds onto the ropes, turns around and blasts Rhodes with a roundhouse kick to the head, covers and gets the 1-2-3.

WINNERS: CM Punk & Kofi Kingston. We replay the last 45 seconds of the match where Kingston pretty much kicked ass and could do no wrong. BO! BO! BO! We flip back to see Randy Orton watching the match on a monitor backstage. I'm pretty sure he's none too impressed by Priceless' loss. Off to a break. We come back with Shawn Michaels and Triple H presenting more great holiday gift ideas from WWE ShopZone - the Elimination Chaimber toy set! I won't go into details, but Michaels basically freaks out at the prospect of putting this thing together on Christmas Eve. Great promo. And I want this toy for my kids!

Cody Rhodes and Manu are walking back to the locker room when they come across Randy Orton. Rhodes starts running his mouth and Orton cuts them off, tells them that while they may have their differences, last week at Survivor Series they did work together as a team, and now that they are all, more or less, on the same page, perhaps they should start working together for a mutual goal. Orton says if they want to talk, meet in his locker room.

Chris Jericho walks backstage into a storage area, looking for Kane. Kane asks what he wants, Jericho says that he wants to tip of Kane that the locker room rumors are that John Cena is going nuts and will make Kane tap out before he realizes it. Kane responds, "Is that what they're saying? Or is that what YOU are saying?" Kane says he will take care of business tonight, but unlike Jericho he LOVES the fans, the fans love him. He tells Jericho to stick his mind games up his ass, and "Don't EVER approach me again!". Kane walks off, Jericho sneers. Break.

Michael Cole tells us that CableFAX has recognized Stephanie McMahon as one of the 20 top rising stars in cable network programming. You notice that CableFAX has bestowed a lot of awards to WWE over the last four or five months? I'm starting to not believe the hype.

Jillian Hall vs. Melina Perez

Jillian Hall is already in the ring singing as Melina makes her entrance. Melina's entrance is interrupted by Glamarella, WWE Women's Champion "the Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Santino Marella. They make their way down to ringside, even slap some hands with genuine fans as they sit at ringside to do color commentary.

Bell rings and we get a lock up, referee breaks it up as it goes to the ropes, and Jall cheap shots Perez with a forearm shot, a few shoulder blocks and a nicely-placed knee to send Perez to the outside. Jillian rolls out, throws Perez into the apron, then back into the ring. Perez fires back with some forearms, bounces off the ropes, Hall catches her in a nice tilt-a-whirl slam and a cover. Hall grabs an ankle, pulls it back, then locks in a choke on the front... I can't remember what this move is called, but I just know it HURTS! Marella says that him and Phoenix are going to win all of the awards at the Slammy's in a few weeks.

Hall lets Perez up, throws her int othe corner, lays in a shoulderblock, backs up and goes for a cartwheel reverse elbow, but Perez puts up a boot, nails Hall with a kick, covers for a two count. Perez fires off forearm shots, a jaw breaker, a snap mare takeover and then a spinning legdrop that Hall partially blocks. Hall with some forearm shots, whips Perez off the ropes, Perez reverses and catches her with a fist to the midsection, goes for the Canadian Destroyer imitation called the Last Call, and that's it!

WINNER: Melina Perez. Santino Marella immediately gets on the mic, "That was okay, but that's not as impress as Beth Phoenix, "the Glamazon!" They walk off, Perez grabs the mic and says, "Beth Phoenix, you may be the Glamazon, but you're not Glamorous! I'm going to take your favorite accessory, your title!" Marella responds that Perez is nothing but a flash-in-the-pain, and all she has going for her is her ring entrance. Marella says he's going to show how pathetic her ring entrance is, and attempt to do the leg split under the ropes.

Hilarity ensues. Use your imagination here. Phoenix struggles to pulls Marella to his feet as Melina mocks him. Looks like "Francesco" and "Pasquale" couldn't help Marella this week as he pulled a hamstring or a quad. Perez does shows Marella how the split is supposed to go, and stays in that position for a good minute, and you can see over her shoulder (and her ass cheeks) that Jerry Lawler isn't missing a second of the view.

We cut backstage to see John "Bradshaw" Layfield walking towards the ring... after this break.Backstage marella is bitching, "The ice is a melting, and my groins is a killing!" We see a pair of hands start giving Marella a massage, then some blonde hair... but it ain't Beth Phoenix, it's Goldust! "I'm glad you like it," says the older brother of Cody Rhodes, causing Marella to freak out and run as fast as he can.

Street Fight: John "Bradshaw" Layfield vs. "the Heart Break Kid" Shawn Michaels"

John "Bradshaw" Layfield makes his way to the ring as Lilian Garcia announces that this is going to be a street fight. Layfield gets on the mic and said last week he made Shawn Michaels an incredible offer and that Michaels has not responded to it, so earlier tonight Layfield got Stephanie McMahon to set up this street fight.

Shawn Michaels comes out, he's apparently ready to fight. They get in the ring, Layfield says that before they start this fight, Layfield is going to give Michaels another chance to take him up on this mysterious offer that Layfield keeps talking about. He tells Jericho that he knows that Michaels is on the verge of being broke and destitute, all of his investments and savings, his kids' college funds have all dried up. Layfield tells Michaels that he can keep wrestling until he's 50, hawking merchandise and beating his body up, but Layfield is offering a proposal that pay better and saves his health -- come work for Layfield Industries.

"What else can you really do besides... this?" says Layfield as he looks around to the fans who are now chanting for Michaels. "So that's it, Shawn, you get a second chance in life. I want to help you out, I want to help your kids out. But since you wouldn't answer me last week, I'm asking you now, what' it going to be?" Michaels looks Layfield in the face with a blank expression. Layfield says that the fans have been demanding that Michaels lay out Layfield for the longest time, and he's going to offer him a free shot and a clear shot at his chin for a superkick, a punch, anything. "But know this!" says Layfield, "If you take that shot, this offer is off the table... forever!"

Michaels doesn't back down, but he doesn't fire either. Layfield finally looks up into Michaels' face, and Micheals backs down, steps out of the ring, and walks away. He almost looks dejected. "Looking forward to doing business with you, Shawn" taunts Layfield as Michaels stops his walk, looks down, and then walks on. Layfield is practically full of glee... whatever this new deal is.


So, I guess that means there isn't a match? Off to break. A commercial for WWE SmackDown/ECW coming to Lexington, KY on January 18th will feature Big Show vs. Undertaker in a Steel Cage Match, and Triple H vs. Vladimir Kozlov. Tickets go on sale December 16. We then see a WWE ShopZone commercial in the fake Geico-style commercial that we saw last week, this time featuring Jim Duggan.

Dave Batista vs. Dolph Ziggler

FINALLY! Dolph Ziggler gets to make his WWE debut! "You know this guy?" asks Jerry Lawler? Yep, we know him, it's Nick Nemeth, formerly "Nicky" of the Spirit Squad, formerly the caddy for Chavo Guerrero's golf-swinging cart-riding self-denying alter ego Kerwin White. Ziggler sticks out his hand to shake Batista's, Batista doesn't reciprocate, so Ziggler slaps him in the face. Batista shoves him, Ziggler gets pissed and slides out of the ring. Batista goes out to chase him, Ziggler dashes back in the ring, Batista follows, Ziggler goes back out, Batista follows, and Ziggler catches him off-guard with a kick square in the jaw.

Which does absolutely nothing. Batista picks up Ziggler, throws him around, throws him back in the ring, sets up for the Batista Bomb, but Ziggler wiggles out and catches him with a Hangman's Neckbreaker, goes for a quick pin attempt, then lays in a dozen or so elbow drops. Batista gets back to his feet, levels him with a shoulder block, goes for the Spear, Ziggler leapfrogs him, throws Batista into the corner, lays in a bunch of punches. Batista picks him up and throws him off. Batista tries for the Batista Bomb again, Ziggler with a kick to the midsection, more punches, tries to go for a cross body block off the turnbuckle, Batista catches him, plants him with the Batista Bomb, 1-2-3.

WINNER: Dave Batista. It was quite a sparky introduction for Ziggler, but a zero for him. Randy Orton's music hits afterwards. "Congratulations on the victory, Batista" says Orton. "But know that one day it is going to come down to just me and you." Batista chuckles and says, "It's funny that you should say that, because I talked to Stephanie McMahon today, and at Armageddon it will be me versus you!" Orton responds, "That's great! I can't wait, it will be just me and you!" Wait, didn't Orton just say that again? Batista's music hits as he strikes his poses.

So Orton is walking backstage when Chris Jericho stops him in the hallway. He tries to get Orton to help him beat up John Cena after tonight's match against Kane, "giving him the shortest return of a wrestler ever." Orton tells him that he's got his hands full with Batista, and he has no interest fighting Jericho's battles. It doesn't matter to him who the champion is. Jericho then asks Orton if it bothers him that he defeated Cena several months ago, but nobody remembers it. Orton could care less, he just walks off.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Tournament:
John Morrison vs. Fit Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle)

We get a lock-up, Finlay with a side headlock into a takeover on the mat, then back up to their feet. Finlay with a stiff European Uppercut, into an armbar, Finlay whips Morrison off the ropes, Morrison reverses, Finlay ducks a clothesline, but Morrison slides ut of the ring, pulls Finlay out, delivers a cross-face punch, tries to hit a legdrop over the ropes back into the ring, Finlay moves out of the way, throws Morrison into the ropes. Finlay tries for a move, Morrison nails him with a kick into the head, rolls up Finlay for a pin attempt.

Morrison puts Finlay in the corner, lays in the punches and forearms, covers for a pin attempt, then into a facelock, holds him there for a minute. Finlay gets to his feet, punches Morrison in the ribs, whips him over. Morrison responds with a neckbreaker, then walks across Finlay's chest on his way of going up the turnbuckle. Finlay clubs him in the back, grabs the hair, throws him to the mat, cover and a two count.

Finlay throws Morrison into the corner, follows up with a shoulder block, whip to the oposite corner, charges, Morrison gets a boot up, but then Finlay nails Morrison with a trio of clotheslines, a leg drop, and a pin attempt. Finlay clotheslines Morrison over the top turnbuckle, then distracts the referee. Hornswaggle comes over to taunt Morrison, Morrison punches him in the midsection, Finlay gets out of the ring and attacks him, throws Morrison in the ring, but Morrison kicks him in the head, throws him into the ring. Finlay with a drop toehold on Morrison, but Morrison responds right back, leaps off the middle rope and nails the back brain kick, covers for the win.

WINNER: John Morrison. We replay the highlights, go back out as Morrison is celebrating in the ring, Finlay holding his guts. Morrison will face CM Punk next week in the semi-finals of the tournament. We still have Rey Mysterio vs. Mike "the Miz" Mizanin if Mysterio can compete within the next 28 minutes.

WWE Slammy for Superstar of the Year

Stephanie McMahon comes out to announce the nominees for WWE Superstar of the year: Edge, Dave Batista, Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho, Triple H, and John Cena. Next week Stephanie says we will see John Cena vs. Edge, Triple H vs. Dave Batista, and Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Jericho. Raw will start at 8pm ET for this huge show.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Tournament:
Mike "the Miz" Mizanin vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr. (or, is it??)

Michael Cole tells us before this match starts that Miz's scheduled opponent, Rey Mysterio, suffered ligament damage to his right elbow. Jerry Lawler tells us that Mysterio is insisting that he still participate in the match. Mizanin comes out and is introduced, we go to commercial to tease who his opponent is going to be. Mizanin is anxious to see who his opponent is... it's Mysterio! He comes out for the match, the right arm is heavily taped, and he's favoring it.

Bell rings, Mizanin immediately targets the injured arm, armbar pulls Mysterio over, but Mysterio with a huracanrana into a 6-1-9, Mysterio goes up high, flies, Mysterio eats the mat as Mizanin rolls away. Miz checks his jaw, then attacks Mysterio's arm. Picks up Mysterio, whips him to the opposite corner, hitting that arm. Mizanin plants Mystero on the top turnubkle, punches, Mysterio knocks him off, Mizanin goes right back up, grabs the arm, pulls Mysterio off, jacking the arm over his shoulder Mizanin goes for a pin attempt, two count. Mizanin with stomps on the arm, backs off, tries for a baseball slide into the arm, Mysterio rolls out, Mizanin eats the turnbuckles.

Mysterio kicks Mizanin in the head, hits the seated senton splash off the ropes, then a headscissor takeover. Mysterio tries to whip Mizanin off the ropes, Mysterio ducks it, cross body block off the ropes, Miznain rolls through and floats over into a cover, two-count.

Mystero tries for a wheelbarrel into a pin, Mysterio kicks out and gets a pin attempt of his own. Mizanin tries for a double leg takedown into a pin, Mysterio rolls through for a pin attempt, dropkick to the face, Mysterio with a pin attempt. Mysterio with a kick to Mizanin's leg, tries to whip him off the ropes, Mizanin reverses, kick in the leg, whips Mysterio off the ropes and hits a flapjack. Mizanin with a nice Million Dollar Kneelift, tries for the neckbreaker, Mysterio rolls him through into a roll-up, sits on the legs and picks up the pinfall!

WINNER: Rey Mysterio. Mysterio faces Kofi Kingston next week in the semi-finals. Kane is walking to the ring for his match. Tomorrow night on ECW Montel Vontaveous Porter is coming to take on ECW Champion Matt Hardy.

WWE World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. Kane (non-title match)

So it's 10:56 PM ET, Kane make his entrance, 10:57 PM Cena makes his entrance, I predict this match ends at 11:06 PM ET with an appearance from Jericho. Cena poses for the fans, but keeps looking over his shoulder at Kane. Bell rings, they charge from opposite corners, Kane with a kick in the midsection, throws Cena in the corner, lays in a few punches to the midsection and kicks Cena down, referee breaks. Cena comes firing back, tries to whip Kane off the ropes, Kane reverses, Cena tries for a shoulder block, Kane repels it then takes down Cena with a clothesline.

Kane drags Cena outside, clubs him in the back of the head over the apron, throws him back in the ring. "Lets go Ce-na!" chant the fans as Kane goes for a quick cover.

Kane whips Cena into the corner, connects with a clothesline. Kane with another club to the back, a snap mare takeover into a reverse chinlock. Cena rests for a moment, powers up, tries for the F-U, Kane cuts him off, power slam, dropkick into the face, covers and hooks the leg, 1... 2... kickout. Kane goes back into the reverse chinlock. Cena gets to his feet again, pulls Kane's arms off, turns around, kick to the midsection, fires off a few punches. Kane whips him into the corner, catches him out of the buckle with a side slam, cover and a two count.

Kane goes to the apron, climbs up high for the Clothesline from Hell, Cena gets to his feet, Kane flies, Cena ducks it, grabs a leg and snaps in the STF, Kane is caught in the middle of the ring. 11:02 PM Jericho run-in, Cena runs out and cuts him off, throws Jericho into the ring barrier, slides back into the ring and walks right into a big boot from Kane. Cena sits up, Kane is setting up for the Chokeslam, slaps it on, Cena with a kick to the midsection, double-leg takedown, gets to hsi feet, Kane tries for the Chokeslam again, Cena picks hiim up and snaps off the F-U. Jericho tries to run in but it's too late, Kane's already baked in the three-second tan!

WINNER: John Cena. Jericho stares at Cena, can't believe he didn't make it in time. Cena gets up and Jericho tries to scramble, but Cena cuts him off escaping from the ring, grabs Jericho and beats him up.

Cody Rhodes and Manu come out and double-team Cena, Cena shoves them off, Jericho is back in and it's three-on-one. Cena is holding his own, shoving them all down... Randy Orton with a blind-side knee to the head! he thorws Cena up on the ramp and pummels him with punches. Orton grabs Cena over to the hede of the ramp, snaps on a front facelock ... DDT to the floor! Jericho smiles coldly as Rhodes and Manu finish stomping him down.

No, Jericho isn't done. He taks off his suit jacket, unbuttons the sleeves on his shirt and rolls them up. Cena starts to get up and jericho kicks him in the ribs, then lays in punches to the face.

We split the screen and show Orton hitting the DDT. Jericho stands up and kicks Cena in the ribs, rolls him over, grabs both legs and spins him over into the Walls of Jericho, applying the knee to the back of Cena's neck. "C'mon, Cena! This is you at Armageddon! C'mon Cena! Who's the hero? Who's the hero now?" says Jericho as we fade out of the night. 11:05 pm, I was close! We'll see you next week!

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