Survivor Series: Here We Go Again

God, Edge is the man. Holy shit, do I ever hate John Cena. Many times have I had those thoughts run through my head, but never as quickly back to back as they did as I tried to gather my thoughts to write this review. The show had ups and downs, and considering that most people didn't expect much out of the show, I walked away fairly content. However, that contentment is largely overpowered by the bitter taste left in my mouth from the main event. Had I turned the show off after the WWE Championship Match, this review might be much different.

So John Cena is now the World Heavyweight Champion, and I can only wonder how long it will take him to turn that belt into an ugly hunk of tin that robs both the belt and hip-hop of any integrity it may have had left after the spinner belt. I get that WWE really likes this guy, but at some point, you have to look at the numbers and realize that the fans just aren't as into him as you'd like.

Did he get a big pop? Sure. But, as Mick Foley proved, throwing the name of the city you're wrestling in is the easiest way in the world to get a pop. If you get to play up for a whole month that you're fighting in your hometown, and you can't get a big pop, quit wrestling. So you got the big babyface pop in your hometown...do you think you're going to get that in three weeks when you come to Buffalo, a city notorious for sporting events flooded with drunk assholes? Not a fucking chance, Johnny Boy.

Also, what was with the constant whoring of Ecko by Cena? He was wearing Ecko brand clothes in his promo video, they had Mark Ecko on during the video, and Cena had the Ecko logo on his shorts. Part of the reason I hate Cena so much is because despite being "hip-hop" and "hardcore", his character completely no-sells that by being a total merchandise shill. Then again, asking for Cena to sell is like asking Donnie to be tactful.

So, long story short, John Cena is again the champion. This will do absolutely nothing for "Raw" ratings, and I officially dread Monday nights, because I somehow got the short straw and have to cover that shit. If there's a God, I'll wake up dead tomorrow.

Conversely, Edge is back on "SmackDown!", and I am both thrilled and puzzled. Okay, so Edge snuck in and stole the title. That's his gimmick, and I'm down with it. They also made sure to protect Vladimir Kozlov's undefeated streak, and I'm very happy that they did so. But, the last time I checked, didn't Vickie Guerrero hate Edge? Wasn't that the whole angle behind his departure in the first place? Why, then, was Vickie celebrating and hugging Edge at the top of the ramp after he won the title?

Also, I don't know for sure if the Jeff Hardy story had actually been covered by CNN, but if it had been, that's a terrible move on WWE's part. With how much bad press you've had heaped on you in the past few years, why would you go out of your way to make more? It's not like WWE is looked upon favorably by CNN to begin with. Somewhere, that blowhard cunt Nancy Grace is salivating over the notion of tearing WWE apart over this story.

The obvious fallout of this match that featured an Edge and a Hardy run-in will most likely be a feud between Edge and Jeff Hardy. WWE dropped the ball the last time they had Edge feud with a Hardy, but I'm hopeful that they'll give this feud some legs, because letting to stars from the Attitude Era duke it out for the championship could help to bring back fans from the good old days.

The casket match was a solid midcard match, which was what I expected of it from the get go. I liked the spots where Big Show argued with the refs over who would close the casket, and I also thought the druids bringing out the second casket was a nice touch, even though the first one didn't really look broken, just sort of tipped over. I thought this match did a good job of telling a story, it wasn't flashy with tons of high spots but it still kept my attention.

The ending was unique, I'll give it that. Never in a casket match has someone been thrown into the casket while the casket was standing up vertically, and even though I saw it coming from the momeny Big Show propped it up, it was still something different. Now let's just hope they don't start ending all casket matches that way.

The Divas match blew chunks. Not two minutes in, and the "SmackDown!" divas were having a free-for-all. Candice either learned to sell really well, or she got hurt by Natalya in that match. Beth Phoenix won and Santino is funny as hell. That's really all you need to know about that match.

Okay, what the hell is WWE doing with The Boogeyman? He shows up for that God-awful Jackass promo a while back, then he appears tonight as the Gobbledy Gooker. Where the hell was this guy on Halloween? If WWE is going to start using him again, that's fine, because he can work his gimmick, but don't turn this into another Gregory Helms situation where we're sitting around for months waiting for a possible return.

Randy Orton needs to be in the title picture. He's such an over heel right now, and the way that they're playing up his heat with Priceless, it's only a matter of time before they join forces, and that will be the perfect opportunity to place Orton back into the main event, in my opinion. Who's with me? (Suck it, Anonymous.) All kidding aside, Orton is one of the most entertaining heels in the business right now, from his in ring work even down to his taunts and mannerisms in the ring. His nearly spastic positioning behind Batista was gold.

By the way, I'm very very happy that Batista did not win after being down 4-1. I honestly could see WWE doing something stupid like that; thank God they didn't.

Team Shawn Michaels vs. Team JBL jerked the curtain on this show, and while I would normally think that as being a slap in the face of Michaels, given the teams that were around the two captains, I'm not terribly surprised. The match itself had a few good spots, but it again had the one fatal flaw of most Survivor Series style matches, in that there were too many pins made off of mundane moves.

It's been said before by O-sters that any elimination should be off of a move that would look realistic to end a standard, one-on-one match, so while I am certainly not saying anything new, I would like to join the legions of people who have asserted this previously. Shad Gaspard got eliminated by a bicycle kick? Really? Knee.

I also didn't like JBL being eliminated via countout. I realize that countouts and disqualifications are also possible ways to eliminate someone, but to me, those should only be used in circumstances where a superstar is undefeated and WWE wants to keep that in tact. JBL, clearly, is not undefeated, and so the countout seemed unnecessary to me. However, I LOVED the ending of the match, which saw John Morrison attempt Sexy Chin Music, only to have Michaels dodge and then counter with Sweet Chin Music to make the final elimination. The back and forth between these two men in the match was tremendous, and I hope that it's not the last I see of these two in a ring together.

One last note about this match that will nicely tie into my final thought. I sent Dan a text explaining my angst at the chants of "You can't wrestle" that were aimed at JBL. Funny how Khali, now a face, didn't get any of those. But I let that go, he's a heel and that's a typical reaction to heels. But then, when I heard the chants of "boring" during the Triple H/Kozlov match? Fuck you, Boston. You don't even know what wrestling is, and I feel no remorse about saying that because your biggest contribution to WWE currently is this guy named John Cena.

Tha Results:
*Team HBK def. Team JBL (Michaels, Khali, and Mysterio are survivors)
*Team "Raw" def. Team "SmackDown!" (Beth Phoenix is sole survivor)
*Undertaker def. Big Show in a Casket Match
*Team Orton def. Team Batista (Orton and Rhodes are survivors)
*Edge def. Triple H and Vladimir Kozlov to win WWE Championship
*John Cena def. Chris Jericho to win World Heavyweight Championship

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