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Tha Raw Report: TNA! TNA!

Wow. Talk about stippalaz. Apparently WWE noticed what TNA was doing without realizing that what TNA is doing sucks. I'm hot at how many damn stipulations were named both on last night's Raw, much less One Night Stand. I got so hot, I started doing a Sudoku to keep me from hitting my TV with my shoe. And then I got hot at USA Today because they had an easy-level puzzle today!

Overall, I really don't want to write this article tonight. Hot off a bad pay-per-view, we get nothing special at all. Unless you count Teddy Long. Ol' peanut head is supposed to be a big surprise? Really? Do better, E.

Jeff Hardy and Umaga pulled the curtain last night. How sad is this? These two men are so far down on the totem pole right now that they're having their match even before the opening promos are cut. I would say it's a decent match, but I've seen this exact same match countless times. I can probably find six spots where I discussed this match in the past and just copy/paste them. The next time they fight on Raw, I will.

So now they're set for a Falls Count Anywhere clash at One Night Stand. No backstory, no payoff for the winner, just filling space on the card. At least these two men will provide us some O's in a No-Disqualification environment.

I still can't figure out who is the face and who is the heel in the current Beth Phoenix/Melina angle. I thought Beth was the heel, especially after practically squashing Maria last night, but Melina blindsiding Beth after the match only to be overcome at the end makes Beth seem like the face. If you're lost, O-sters, don't feel bad; I am, too.

Batista and Chris Jericho had a match to determine who would fight Shawn Michaels at One Night Stand. This match wasn't bad, considering that Batista was in it. I didn't get the point of having both men play possum on knee injuries (since Michaels wasn't ringside during the match), but aside from that, no real complaints about the match. It's a midcard match on Raw, after all; I don't expect a five-star classic.

Ultimately, Batista went over and now will face Shawn Michaels at One Night Stand in a Stretcher Match. Why? Why a Stretcher Match, of all things? The randomness of that booking causes yours truly to stagger like Dan after two beers.

Santino Marella, you funny sonnamagun! Coming out last night and imitating "Rodney The Piper" or "Robby The Piper" or "Roddy The Piper" (I distinctly heard all three during the promo) was comedic gold. I even thought Cousin Sal wasn't too bad for a one-time shot. I have no idea who Cousin Sal actually is, but I'm guessing that if WWE is actually letting him in a ring to face Santino Marella, he's probably got some wrestling experience as opposed to being the schmuck cousin of Jimmy Kimmel.

As per the orders of Vince McMahon earlier in the evening, William Regal faced Ken Kennedy in a "Loser Gets Fired" match. Again with the stips. The match was short and probably used as a quick out to put Regal into another storyline. I'm guessing (/hoping) that from here he moves to "SmackDown!" and becomes a bigger part of the title picture over there; they need main event heels anyway.

Before the match, Vince was seen in Regal's office talking to Ted DiBiase. At first, I thought this meant either that he would replace Regal should he lose, or that Ted's son is debuting soon. The latter is most likely the case, as the former was all but ruled out when, after the match, Theodore R. Long was seen leaving Regal's dressing room.

If Regal is being taken out of the GM position in order to get a push, that's fine. But I still think that Long would do better on the more kid and mark friendly "SmackDown!", to take over for Vickie Guerrero after the Edge/Undertaker feud ends. To steal a line from Coach, we'll have to wait and see how it plays out.

The main event featured JBL and Randy Orton taking on Triple H and John Cena in another stipped-up match. The stipulation here was that, if JBL and Randy Orton won, they would get rematches against their Judgment Day opponents in a match of their choosing at One Night Stand. However, if Triple H and John Cena won, then the two of them would face off for the title at One Night Stand instead.

Ultimately, the heels won and chose their stips. JBL chose First Blood (which I found strange, since usually First Blood matches are announced shortly after one guy has busted the other guy open), and Randy Orton chose Last Man Standing. Okay, I'm down with that. He even said he chose it because he had already beaten Triple H in that type of match.

So last night's show featured three gimmick matches, and set up four gimmick matches for One Night Stand. I get that WWE wants to put over that this is the night that they piss on ECW's grave on the hardest, but if you want the show to be "extreme", don't make it be through being extremely gimmicky.

Tha Results:
Jeff Hardy and Umaga fought to a double countout
Beth Phoenix def. Maria
Batista def. Chris Jericho
Mr. Kennedy def. William Regal
Randy Orton & JBL def. Triple H & John Cena

9 comments: on "Tha Raw Report: TNA! TNA!"

D.J.B. said...

Expect Dibiase to be around a good deal. Not only could his son possibly debut soon he has a book coming out, and he's going to be on the Henning DVD as well.

I hear voices in my head
They council me (or come to me)
They understand
They talk to me
Those are the opening lyrics to Orton's new theme song by Rev Theory and it's also the way most fans feel after watching "Raw" this week.

Hopefully Vince will pull another gimmick out of his ass and say Regal was only fired as GM and will remain as a worker on Raw and that will lead to a feud and a push for him. He was only fired as GM or just fired period doesn't mean he isn't King anymore so most likely(hopefully) he's going to get a push.

Speaking of pulling things out of the their asses, how is the WWE going to make people remember the Interchrisinental Championship in time for the Night of Champions PPV coming up in about a month? Oh yeah theres another one in less than two weeks. TOO MANY PPVS!

I really do hear voices in my wait thats the DVR'd version of Raw in the background considering I missed(or didn't miss depending on your opininon of the show the first 65 minutes or so)

Mr. Del Negro said...

Why was Regal fired?

How many times can they put Jeff Hardy and Umaga in matches on Raw?

What the hell was so wrong with Orton being champ?

Why in the hell do you have a PPV with nothing but stips and not call yourself TNA?

Why is the E trying so hard to make my head hurt?


metal god said...


STAMFORD, Conn., May 20, 2008 - In accordance with its Substance Abuse and Drug Testing Policy, WWE has suspended Darren Matthews (William Regal) for 60 days for his second violation of the company’s policy.


D.J.B. said...

Un Fucking Real

So 2 strikers and you're out 60 days. Reckon what it is this fuckin time

BigDaddy said...

The stretcher match stip is simple. Batista said he was going to HURT HBK - instead of faking an injury he'll send him to the hospital. Hence the need for a stretcher.

Melina is being positioned as a face, but isn't carrying herself as one. The big cut off on the ramp isn't indicitive of a heel style - but her promo on Raw broadcast was. It's a very confused program to say the least - especially with so many face girls under contract.

The suspension of Regal is truly disturbing.

This is a guy who swore OFF the gas and all recreational drugs shortly after Guerrero's death.

He was also close to Benoit.

His first failed test he claimed was a result of "Residue" in his system. There is clearly no residue here.

We don't know what he was caught with - roids, pain killers, whatever ... but the bottom line is, it's inexcusable.

TNA may be receiving their 2nd ex WWE King before 2008 is out.

metal god said...

Speaking of the Smackdown GM, I keep hearing rumors that they're talking to Sable about coming back to take over for Vickie. My gut instinct is to call "bullshit!" but thats what I thought before she came back last time. Anybody else heard anything to support/refute this?

BigDaddy said...

I heard that Sable recently reached out the Fed - and the conversations ended when they asked her to bring Brock back with her.

D.J.B. said...

E to Sable: Sure we'll do business with you since have always felt out of place as a female in a mans world, we can use you without the assistance of a male....and hey can you bring Brock back with you?

Leonel said...

Where do i start..

-Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga-yeah the've done this match a trillion times but you know what? there is nowhere else to place hardy at this time and besides HE FUCKED UP so i doubt they are clearing the way for anything special for him...last we saw him he was starting a potentially great feud with Y2J but unfortunately Jericho's being used as fodder for the batista-HBK fued.

-I see this thing panning out with Hardy getting yet another fluke win...with Umaga running his dumbass into the barricade or something followed by Umaga getting up moments later and taking his aggression up on the refs or maybe even a planted fan...which would be the perfect opportunity for the new GM to come in and immediately fire umaga...setting the stage for that new GM's impact on Raw and Umaga going to Smackdown as vicki Guerreros punishment to the Undertaker for taking out Edge....hence that fued starts for the summer since apparently the Big Show is back in ECW (i feel bad for show)...

As for Hardy....i assume the next night on Raw they start the build up for his IC-title (remember that piece of gold) rematch against jericho for night of champions....and that my friends is how I see it...and if it does happen that all owe me 10 USD each.