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Tha Raw Report: We're Going To WrestleMania! (Or Not)

I couldn't find the image I wanted of Ric Flair on the back of a donkey, shouting "We're going to WrestleMania, champ!", so let's all just pretend. As the title of this article would indicate, WrestleMania is right around the corner, last night being the final installment before the Granddaddy Of Them All.

I hate to have to be this negative about a show, folks, but last night's "Raw" proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the people backstage on Monday nights don't have the slightest clue what they're doing anymore.

Take for instance, participants from four different WrestleMania matches all cutting promos at once. First John Cena came out, then Big Show, then JBL, then Randy Orton, then Umaga, and finally, Triple H. Talk about blowing your load in one shot. The only positive of this is that we learned that between Umaga and Batista, Umaga cuts better promos. Why doesn't this man have a manager? And, more importantly, why do Triple H and John Cena feel the need to get the last word on everybody?

John Cena is not funny (his only means of wit being the same repetitive gay jokes over and over again; even if they were funny the first time, after hearing them for three years, they'd have gotten old either way), Big Show is not a heel in comparison to Mayweather, and Umaga should have a manager to cut promos for him. Three irrefutable strikes against WWE creative right there.

MVP and Carlito faced CM Punk and Chris Jericho in a tag match. Okay, I get it, they're all in the same match at WrestleMania, so it makes sense to have a preview. However, MVP and Chris Jericho are facing off this Friday on "SmackDown!" I would imagine that match would serve as a good prequel to Money In The Bank. I don't want to see two guys go head to head twice the same week they're going to square off on a pay-per-view. It's overkill and everybody knows it.

Why is The Great Khali squashing Hardcore Holly on "Raw"? Unless Khali is the guy they're going to have go over in the 24-man battle royal at WrestleMania, this makes no sense. And if he is the guy who's going over, heel vs. heel won't draw any interest, especially when the heels are Chavo Guerrero and The Great Khali. Not to mention, isn't Hardcore Holly still a tag team champion? What the fuck happened to those belts?

Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels had another solid segment last night. It's amazing how the one match that WWE is actually doing a good job of drawing interest to, is the one match that everyone knows the outcome of. Good job, creative. Now pull your heads out of your ass and build interest for the other marquee matchups this Sunday.

Whoops, guess THAT was too much to ask for. Instead, we get more buildup for the diva tag team match at WrestleMania. Not only is "BunnyMania" a gay name, it doesn't even fit. Ashley (who is now filling in for the injured Candice Michelle) and Maria posed nude, they did not don the playmate bunny outfits. This match would be more fittingly called "Nudie Magazine Mania". You could even have Adam Sandler and a giant penguin as the emcees instead of Snoop Dogg. Much more consistent that way. Oh yeah, I forgot-consistency and WWE go together like Fatty and heterosexuality.

The main event was so overbooked, I think Vince Russo got jealous from watching it. Triple H, John Cena, Shawn Michaels, and Ric Flair vs. Randy Orton, JBL, Big Show, and Umaga. Everybody's respective 'Mania opponents ran down to the ring during this match, and by the time all was said and done, the only competitors left were Randy Orton and Ric Flair. This main event was legitimately worse than last week's. But, to be fair, it was nice to see someone tap out to the Figure-Four Leglock one more time.

The only reason I'm done ranting is because this was how "Raw" ended, and there's nothing more for me to be pissed about. If the job of WWE creative was to make a "Raw" that makes me drool with anticipation over WrestleMania, then everybody backstage ought to be fired. My apathy for this year's WrestleMania is at record levels. Honest to God, I literally need convincing for why I should watch it.

Tha Results:
*MVP & Carlito def. Chris Jericho & CM Punk
*The Great Khali def. Hardcore Holly
*Santino Marella, Melina & Beth Phoenix def. Jerry Lawler, Maria & Ashley
*Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels, Triple H & John Cena def. Umaga, John Bradshaw Layfield, The Big Show & Randy Orton

14 comments: on "Tha Raw Report: We're Going To WrestleMania! (Or Not)"

Mach23 said...

Atleast it was Flair who stood tall at the end of Raw and they should of gave santino the mic after his match.

Dante Ross said...

Man, it is proving quite dificult to be positive about Raw. Two hours and they squeezed in four matches? Really?

I totally forgot that Holly had a belt. I would love to see a chart showing how often those belts are defended. You can just sense that the belts are going to be erased within a year. And did anyone else notice the strangeness going on around Khali's back?

This was the last Raw before their biggest show. No Kennedy? He couldnt whoop Kendrick's ass one last time before the PPV? I would love to hear from someone excited about this years WM. My mind had found a way to be less interested in this PPV than any other in years.

Anonymous said...

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT!?!? This is the 3rd most exciting WrestleMania of all time. The first was WrestleMania XIV and then there was WrestleMania 21 and then there's this year. Austin, Cena and Cena! What more could you want?

rage said...

Ya you're right. Mania 2 and 10 and 6 and 18 and X7 didn't blow this crap outta the water

D.J.B. said...

This years Mania isn't anything to jump up and down about, but I'm going to watch nonetheless.

I have a gut feeling Cena isn't going over so I AM excited about that.

I do want to see Mayweather/Showkishi. I want to see the MitB just because the spots will keep me entertained and I am intrigued to see who will go over now.

I want to see Edge vs. Taker because the match itself, no matter the build will probably be one of the top 2 matches.

Shawn and Flair should be the main event or a co-main. If it is Ric's last match the boys could possibly come out for a standing O, and the crowd no doubt will.

The thing is the card will probably not go in order of interest.

MitB will probably jerk the curtain.

My order for the card would be:
24 man BR
ECW title
Nudie Mag Mania
Youmanga vs. Batista
Belfast Brawl
Triple Threat for the WWE title
Flair vs. Michaels
Big Show vs. Mayweather
Edge vs. Taker

Thats not me booking, that's my level of interest.

BigDaddy said...

Kennedy is off filming a movie.

the CAVEMAN said...

Anyone else notice the Camel-toe Melina was sporting last night?

D.J.B. said...

Donnie, it's Behind Enemy Lines III and it'll probably be good, but it's straight to DVD.

Caveman, I notice every week, I just never mention it because I always took for granted that everyone...except Fatty noticed.

Andrew Gray said...

Nice to finally see some heat between Flair and HBK, which I requested in my column (that was posted SUNDAY)

Duffle Bag Boy said...

Not to spew my haterade all over, but Raw was shit and I dunno what everyone was watching, but the Flair/Michaels segment was like watching a bad dream. It was awkward, it didn't flow and it just seemed like they were both confused. I really dislike when smarks just shit all over the guys who can't work or cut promos, but if the guys who can put out something that sucks, you pretend it never happened. Top to bottom this Raw made no sense and legit the best part was the main event.

Now, I'm a huge Michaels mark and I'm down with Ric Flair but the segment bombed, oh well... it happened. And the main event, which included Cena was good... it happens. Raw was bizzaro world... it happens. I'm not asking for sugar coated reviews because I'm in a positive mood or because Donnie started the "no 'no's'" trend. All I'm asking is that you don't piss on my boot and tell me it's raining.

And Casur, if you feel like I'm shitting on your work I appologize, but too many times do I see smark friendly guys blow something -be it a spot, a promo or a dick- and it never happened, they were great. And alternatively if a jabroni like Cena cuts a good promo or has a good match without being carried I don't want to hear that it was gay or he was carried. I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but you can't tell me that the Flair/Michaels segment was good or that the main event was overbooked(dude, it's the last Raw before 'Mania, emotions are high, this is one time when you're supposed to overbook. Donnie, tell me you agree here, things need to be super amped going into the big one).

I haven't decided if I'm buying WrestleMania this year, a strong SmackDown show with a crazy and intense ending could just grab my $50. With that being said, I challenge the writers here to go against the grain next week. Instead of "Jesse and Festus look great... Edge is the best at what he does... or Vickie Guerrero is an ugmo" run a 'switchaz' on the Osters and tell us what you liked about the crap they put out and tell us what you didn't like about the stuff that made you O. Remember, every bag of garbage has something edible inside.

Christopher Casúr said...

Actually, I have been shitting on Edge in recent months. I take no offense at your stance, it is simply different than mine. I thought the Flair/Michaels promo last week didn't make sense, but because I didn't cover the show (DJB did), I didn't get a chance to express my disdain for it.

Rest assured, I don't favor any wrestler. If I think they did something wack, I'll call them on it.

the CAVEMAN said...

well D.J.B its been a while since I've seen raw and that was one impressive canyon she had going last night. I think I may be watching more raw from now on.

D.J.B. said...

Duffle Bag Boy...If you'll read last weeks Raw Report, you'll see where I completely hated the backstage promo involving Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels, because it made no sense. Go back and read and you'll see that.

Tim Haught said...

I will be at the Hall of Fame, Fan Axxess, and on the floor for WrestleMania. We're Going to WrestleMania!