This ain't rass'lin, this is visual hellTrips won't stop grabbing his cock and Cena still can't sell
This ain't rass'lin, this is steroids and bullshit
If I watch this again, I will vomit!
I feel as though that re-written selection from Dan-e-o's "The Real Deal" (off of his dope CD, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, which is available at Tha O Show's online store) probably would sum up last night's "Raw" better than any article ever could. However, I don't get paid to bastardize Dan's songs, so here we go with what happened last night.
Sure enough, the show starts off with Cena, Triple H, and Orton all in the ring. Cena comes down and cries a river over his loss, to which William Regal comes out and puts John Cena and Randy Orton in a match in which if Cena wins, he will be put in the title match at WrestleMania. This is gay on so many levels.
For starters, a blind man could have seen this coming from a mile away. I used to not understand why Vince would be pushing this glorified cartoon character. And then I saw on a dirt sheet that Cena's lips are firmly buried in Vince's ass, which made it incredibly clear. Cena rubs Vince's ego by kissing his ass backstage, so Vince rewards him by pushing him to the moon and beyond. It's Triple H logic, except Vince doesn't have another daughter for John to sleep with, so this was the next best thing.
Speaking of McMahon's children, Shane was seen backstage again, seemingly as an advisor for Pig Slow, who challenged Floyd Mayweather to a fight. I don't have any interest in watching a kayfabe boxing match between Show and Mayweather, but I honestly forgot how good Mr. Wight was on the stick before last night.So now, not only has Finlay been drawn into this STUPID illegitimate child gimmick, JBL has as well. This storyline was never interesting to begin with, and putting JBL into the mix now just goes to show that if you take a pile of shit and add glitter to it, you still just have a pile of shit.
I give credit to Hornswoggle for his acting job. Dude sold his beatdown like death. Again, my only real problem is that this will not lead to Finlay being a main eventer, but instead, a patented McMahon blood bath. Been there, done that. The day after WrestleMania, Finlay will be right back to where he was this time last year, so you'll forgive me if I don't bother getting excited and just stop giving a shit about Finlay VS. McMahon.Jeff Hardy and Mr. Kennedy are returning to Money In The Bank this year. I like this, it gives something meaningful for them to do, and both of them are now legitimate winners. Hopefully this year, everybody in the match can be seen as a guy deserving of holding the world title. Although it would've been funny to see Snitsky in a ladder match. Could you imagine that shit? It'd be like Fatty Fronte in a slam dunk contest.
Surprise, surprise. John Cena won. That FU looks worse and worse every week. I really hate having to watch this guy on my TV. He's not a wrestler. He's not an entertainer. He's a roided-up fake who, by all rights, should either be working a better gimmick, or be in FCW. Now, to end this article on a positive note, I swear to God, if this guy ever turns heel, I will throw a kegger that lasts for at least half a week.Tha results:
Jeff Hardy def. Snitsky to qualify for Money In The Bank
Paul Burchill def. Super Crazy
Mr. Kennedy def. Val Venis to qualify for Money In The Bank
Mr. McMahon VS. Hornswoggle-No Contest
John Cena def. Randy Orton
18 comments: on "Tha Raw Report: Tha Real Deal"
Did anyone else think that HBK giving Flair his induction announcment pulls strings towards an HBK vs. Flair co-co-co-co-co main event at Mania?
Did anyone else see Cena's new shirt? It's a play off the old NES, and further solidifies that he is a fucking cartoon character and a joke. I still play the old NES, but now that's all been bastardized by Cena. What the fuck is up with the no 'roids shit and Cena on the commercial? HELLO! Put Punk, or Jeff Hardy, JBL or Jericho on there guys that dont look like their diet is a steady mix of HGH, Steroids, and protein shakes.
What was up this week with the new music? I pop for new music and I really did for Kennedy's music. Although I can't believe they went away from the old Slipknot tune for Hardy. Not a problem, just something I didn't think would go away.
Big Show isn't Pig Slow at this point. Dude looks decent and actually moves better. Mayweather looked awkward tonight, but I'll give him credit. Big Show put up his guard as soon as Floyd went for a punch...no wonder he gave up boxing.
I'm really interested to see where the Burchill/Katie Lea storylines goes. Will we get a "live sex celebration?" Hell, he's a 247 pounder, at least that's what we're told.
Re-writing Dan-e-o is like painting a faux Mona Lisa...you don't fuck with true art. By the way, Book of Daniel, DJ Law Presents...The Art of Lyricism: Dan-e-o's Finest, Speak No Evil, Dear Hip Hop and Monolith-Welcome to Scarborough are all available at Tha O Show's online store, at a very very low price. At one point, or at least I was told it was $20 for the CD $30 for the live hypness. It's cheaper than $20 now folks, and get 'em while we still got 'em.
The new music is because WWE is releasing another music album shortly. A lot of the new songs you heard will be on that album.
Wow DJ, you tried to steal my line and you still fucked it up. Mayweather didn't go for a punch, he cocked back and wound up. Anyone with an iota of fight knowledge knows that if the person you're fighting winds up, you don't put your guard up. You either duck opposite of the hand that he's winding up with (forcing him to either reset or throw a real weak haymaker), or you unload on that side of his face since it's now completely exposed. Yes, I realize that entire thing was a work, but still...nuances, people.
They've released two CD's in the last year. One on itunes and one in stores. Do they really need another one? You fucked my line too by the way, Fronte would fail in a dunk contest due to weight or just plain Fronteness, Dan wouldn't do that well because of height...that was the point.
Yes, but you see, when I take shots at Dan, Dan fights back. It's much easier and much more effective to just have Fronte be the butt of all jokes.
Wow...that's a very John Cena approach to take...especially considering you like to mention Fronte and Butt in the same breath. Have you noticed though that we've turned the Raw Report into a banter between the two of us?
I don't give a shit if it is just banter between us, I gotta banter somewhere. Besides, sooner or later someone else will have something to say about Raw. Plus, the on-air guys banter on-air for lengths of time, why can't two of the writers banter in an article?
Getting back to Raw, I wonder how long it's gonna be before Raw stops trying to insult everyone's intelligence and actually comes out and uses the "i" word in refernece to Burchill. I still preferr the pirate gimmick. Sure, he's plundering for booty in this gimmick too, but it's just not the same.
Yeah fuck it, lets banter. As long as there is booty to plunder I'm all for it. Hell I liked the Pirate gimmick. I guess JR will slip in and tell us it's the I word. "Yeah, he's a 247 pounder and apparently he and his sister are engaging in i...oops I almost said it King, how bout some puppies?" It'll probably go something like that.
Doesn't Raw insult our inteligence every week by having Cena go over? Did anyone else like Triple H saying he'd call it so it benifited him? I sat here thinking, fucking duh guy, it's been that way for years now.
Besides the main, I was beyond happy with the show this week. I thought the JBL/Finley thing worked for the program. I'll agree with you that its kinda stupid, but it just goes to show that good workers can make even the stupidest of angles work. Compare Finley's job last night to that of Cena when he was watching his father get a beatdown, and you'll appreciate that match much more.
The MITB qualifiers were retarded. Put someone in there that is believable to be in the match, not a jobber who hasn't wrestled in a year on TV and a guy who cant even climb a ladder. It will hopefully be more interesting to see who gets in on the Smackdown/ECW side (Noble/Yang/Moore/MVP/Morrison, etc.) Also, Jeff Hardy's new music is terrible.
Santino's facial expressions throughout the Maria match were hilarious. And Maria looks hotter every week. Nuff said.
When will we fucking see the tag titles or IC title defended. Fuck.
The main event was stupid. Why not use this opportunity to turn one of these guys heel. I guess that's too logical.
The Mayweather segment was pretty damn good if you ask me, although I think Floyd is the latest graduate of the "Frank Fronte School of Acting."
This show as a whole did its job, which is to lay the foundation and get people excited for wrestlemania. I thought it was a good solid show.
Good point Matt. The Intercontinental Championship will not be defended at WrestleMania for the 6th...or is it 8th straight time. The last time was RVD and Regal at Mania X8 or XIX, Jesus make the title matter or something. Maybe they can ease it off of Hardy and onto Paul Birchill, after all he's a 247 pounder.
Chris and D.J.,
Always appreciate the plugs guys...especially when lyrics are quoted. Rispek.
And yeah, your parody Chris was well used. I got nothing but NO's this week. "Raw" is shit.
Since you're in the process of making a new album why not write a companion piece to "Raw is War" entitled Raw is Shit?
I know I speak for Chris when I say...we'll only plug what we support to begin with.
Stupid american sports entertainment; it's stupid because american's are stupid and this is what they crave.
It's never been good and never will be good. You're all digging through human waste, searching for your apple pie.
So close minded and ignorant. Try NJPW, ZERO-1 MAX, AJPW, even 1PW. Drongos.
You folks kayfabe worse than JR and King, and you shill more shamelessly than DX. Your reports are just as predictable as the shows: Cena and Batista get ridiculed, Triple H gets bashed, Layla and Karen Angle get drooled over, Awesome Kong gets major Os, Edge gets his weekly fellatio, etc. who will be the first to make the "O" stand for "originality"?
Before you know it, someone will come along and drink your milkshake.
Ok, Im gonna be the glass half full guy for once....Im gonna look at No Way Out and Raw as maybe a turning point for WWE(and the Raw brand) to step in the right direction....
Hardy/Snitsky. I agree with Snitsky not being in this match. I dont think hes believeable as a MITB contender. But Jeff qualifying for the match does keep him in the world title picture, wich everyone seems to be clamering for these days. I do echo the statements made a couple days ago about Hardy just recently getting a title push(world title that is) and there should be no rush to get that strap on him. If he chases it for lets say the better part of a year, it'll be that much sweeter.
Kennedy/Val. Again, a little too obvious that KK was picking up the victory. The silver lining you ask? Kennedy, who can hold his own both in ring and on the mic is also in the title picture(in a round about way of course) and we got the return of one of the best workers in the biz, The Big Valbowski. Maybe The E will find something for him now!
Beth/Maria. Eh. Ok, so I said the glass was gonna be half full...that means its still half empty. Maria does show improvements in the ring, but she still has a long way to go. Candice is back. I guess well have to wait and see if she has the form that she was showing pre-injury. Santino? PRICE-LESS. His sidebar comments to Lawyer(wich you could clearly hear over Kings headset) were hillarious. And his dis-ingenuis half hearted celebration with Maria was money.
McMahon/Hornswaggle. Talk shit all you want about it. A lot of people were begigng for this to either a-stop or b-have some kind of payoff. Well, heres both(kinda). We finally get something out of this that doesnt include Hornswaggle pulling down the Coachs pants or bitting daddy on the ass. Finlay fucking SOLD the beatdown. If you go back and watch it and take yourself out of the critic mode and watch it as you were watching a televsion show, you feal for him. JBL was money. I dont think the man even blinked an eye. Didnt say a word. And Hornswaggle was great as well. Sadly, I think its leading up to a very un-eventfull match at Mania, but I think that could also be the end to this drawn out story.
Burchill/Super Crazy. It took Lilian longer to anounce Crazys hometown than it did for the match. Burchill is a good worker and I wish they'd just say what everyone knows already as well. Anyone else catch the "former pirate" chant.
Flair HOF. I thought HBK was gonna call Flair down to say a few words and then challange him at WM. I still think were gonna see that match and I think it will be a classic. HBK is called the show stopper for a reason and Flair is, well, Flair.
Show/Mayweather. I dont think Floyd got the response the E was hoping for. At one point the crowd was booing him and chanting "Big Show". Im not opposed to this angle as the Tyson one went over decently years ago, but Mayweather isnt even close to the name that Tyson was/is. There gonna have to play this one just right.
Cena/Orton.For a brief moment in time this match was great. It had some back and forth action, there was a decent story behind it and HHH as the x-factor. Then, Cena did his thing. Now, I agree that Cena takes ALOT of heat around the net, but last night he showed why. After getting systematicly beat down by RKO he "hulked up" and delivered 2 shoulder blocks. Ok, fine thats beliveable. He then hit the mat, good, maybe he was gonna sell this beatdown and quick burst of energy...nope. After appx 3 seconds he hopped up and went to town on Orton(who was selling the hell out of 2 weak shoulder blocks). Sadly, the ending was a little too predictable. Again, the glass is only half full....wich means the other half is still empty.
Bones
Metal God-
Yes, I realize that a lot of the articles come out the same. But the reason for that is because WWE does very little in the way of originality. And when they do try something original, it's amazingly subpar. So you either have the feeling of "we've seen this before", or the feeling of "this isn't entertaining". Also, I have never drooled over Karen Angle. And you should try shilling sometime, it's actually pretty fun.
To the guy leaving the "stupid Americans" comment...I have never said that I don't watch Japanese wrestling. However, I'm here to cover Raw. That's my job, so that's what I do. I'm aware that WWE is shit, and a lot of WWE guys can't hold a candle to the luchadors in Japan. I don't even have to go that far, a lot of guys in Ontario can work circles around E guys. For what it's worth, if you'd like to cover Japanese promotions, get in touch with Donnie or Dan, I'm sure they'd love to have more international coverage on the site. We're not close-minded, we just don't have as regular of access to it as you might.
Bones-
As I said in my report, I like having Hardy and Kennedy in it. I think that Money In The Bank should be used for guys who are either already main eventers, or are guys who are very close to breaking through. Which brings up an interesting debate, which hopefully will be touched on on Tha O Show this week...who would you put in Money In The Bank if you were the booker?
Oh, I agree. I have ZERO issues with Hardy and Kennedy being in MITB. They're both worthy contenders for the world title and theyve both been there before(there being MITB). As far as the rest of the field I guess I cant call it at the moment. I mean, I think Matt "the other" Hardy and MVP will end up there(wich is running the risk of it looking like last years) and I think Y2J could make an appearance. The "dark horse" if you will, at least to me, would be Umaga. I think he would suprise a lot of people in a match like that.
I think you hit the nail on the head Christopher as far as originality goes. I do have a nice long-ish thought on this that I wont post here as to not take up space...but if someone in O Nation writes up an article this week, I will gladly share my thoughts on this topic. Its something thats been on my mind for a while now.
Bones
I'm honest to god surprised that Finlay has a job on camera. I was pleasantly surprised when they moved him back on camera after training the divas, and now to have him fueding with Vince is great. I have a ton of respect for him as an athlete and master of his craft. But up until his 'return' he showed absolutely no character on screen, his work was forgettable. And despite the fact he was a great 'technical' wrestler bell to bell he wasn't a storyteller. I totally agree with Bones, last night Finlay told a story. And it left me wondering what's up between him and Hornswaggle.
He's selling shirts now! If I'd have asked around years ago who'd be fueding with Vince at WM and selling merch, Finlay, Malenko or Storm who would you have picked?
I guess I'm just glad he's not backstage.
I tried to not watch but couldnt help it. Why cant I quit you?! We all knew Hardy would win. The biggest surprise for me was the fact that Snitsky is improving. Its some kinda Bizarro world where Snitski and Tomko (in TNA) cant be interesting at the same time. Snitski rises, Tomko falls. So is life. I wouldnt call the show not "O!" worthy. I did it for Jeff's Swanton. He nailed that shit perfectly.
Poor Super Crazy. He looks like my old math teacher. Wonder why he isnt on ECW but. Burchill looks like Johnny Swinger but jacked.
I guess Kennedy needs someone to try his new finishers out on every week. Missing the Kenton and Green Bay Plunge though. Val Venis is the new Tito Santana. Is that good or bad?
Liking JBL as a rich guy but still an ass kicker. Its seems like a good combo between being stanky rich and using a form of the old APA gimmick.
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