"SmackDown!" Makes My Brain Hurt

Last night I decided to watch "SmackDown!" again - from start to finish. I thought - maybe I've been too hard on the Friday Night installment and should give it another chance.

Holy fuck.

The next time I consider that, someone please point me in the direction of something less painful - like riding a bicycle with a cactus seat.

This shit is just plain bad.

You know that concept we've discussed on O Show radio so many times - about how there has to be a flow to the entire show - not just within each match? Ya, that concept is lost on the "SmackDown!" crew.

This show featured five matches and four of them were tags. Then you think ... hmmm ... well, that means 8 tag teams - so obviously the tag division is thriving, right?

Wrong.

The "SmackDown!" Tag Team champs are on ECW. The teams that competed were mainly thrown together for the sakes of cramming people onto one show. CM Punk and Rey? Chavo and Edge?

The monster team of Big Daddy V and Mark Henry is gettin punked out, while the ridiculous team of Finlay and Shortfuck are booming. And how about the Greaser team of Deuce and Domino? Superfly's kid has spent more time lookin at the lights in the last 6 months than Snuka did his entire Fed career.

If you're going to give me DX and The Brothers Of Destruction in the same week, can you please warn me next time - so I can change my fuckin calendar to 1998? Stupid.

The only heels that went over on this show were the jobberific Edgeheads. And that win was so ho-hum I can't get excited about it for the sake of Edge's gimmick.

Not to mention, teaming a Jung Dragon with a member of 3 Count should be something the Wrestling Gods never allow.

Oh - I almost forget the start of the show. Am I supposed to believe that Edge has an issue facing Rey? Like he's borderline-scared? He'd rather face Khali? Come on.

DJB talked in his recap piece about giving stuff away for free on tv. Fuck giving away the Taker-Kane team. That doesn't bother me cuz it's been so done-to-death. How about the fact that Six nights ago we had Flair versus MVP on a Pay-Per-View and now we're watching it on free tv. And the reverso booking? Logic dictates that the fucked finishes happen first - then the clean win. What's going on?

Here's the thing that really set me off though.

When Taker slapped on the triangle choke for the win last night, Michael Cole said something to the effect of "Well it's the second time we've seen The Undertaker use this finishing move. I'm not quite sure what it does, but whatever it does it seems to cause serious internal damage."

What??

Well surely his colour man will bail him out of that horrible call right?

Coachman: _______________

Nothing. Crickets. Dude had nothing to add.

Undertaker has long used this version of the triangle where he locks his legs around his opponents neck from the top side. In shoot terms - it's not NEARLY as effective, but it probably looked better for wrestling. Michael Cole incorrectly called that a triangle choke for years... If I remember correctly, the first time Taker used it, Tazz said "it kind of LOOKED LIKE a triangle" so Cole ran with it - having no thoughts of his own.

If Taker used this move last week, and Cole saw it and didn't know what to call it - it's his job to go FIND OUT so he doesn't get caught with his pants down again.

Clearly, he didn't.

At least if you had a wrestler as colour man he probably could have surmised what the move was doing. Cole = moron.

But, I won't put ALL the blame on that mini Ken doll. He does wear an IFB in his ear. Where the fuck was his crew? Where was Vinnie Mac? Or Doc Hendrix? Or an agent? Anybody with a clue? Someone could have chirped in the ear of their lead broascaster and helped him out a little.

No - why would they do that. That would show that they care.

The IFB is to make sure they don't forget the name of the cheesecake who's introducing Batista tonight, and filing a sexual harrasment suit tomorrow.

Fuck "SmackDown!"

Share |