TiD: At Least They Have T'n'A

It’s been awhile since I’ve watched TNA, and honest to God, now I know why. This episode contained a Shark family, Chris Harris complaining again, and saying his career was dying. I could have sworn I reported that he left TNA. That my fellow O-sters is the problem with taped episodes of a wrestling show.

I also saw Dustin Rhodes fall down and spasm and not know he had a job in TNA when taken to the “workshop” of Black Reign. Did I miss something? He was saying Black Reign was coming to TNA several months ago, and now he doesn’t know who Black Reign is.

Little did I know the mass confusion had just begun and it wasn’t getting any better.

To jump ahead in the show, James Mitchell mentioned duplicity, as a matter of fact, TNA as a whole is a major proponent of duplicity. They claim their trying to get better, but from what they put on TV, they act like they aren’t. I’d like to go on record as saying that TNA has the best wrestling talent together in one place in North America. Why can they not get people with a vision and a goal to write for them though? When the TNA ship finally sinks, there won’t be enough lifeboats for everyone.

I try to like TNA, I like the roster, and I like the matches when they aren’t gimmicked all to hell. But the TNA creative team doesn’t know how to not gimmick a match. They couldn’t even have a normal triple threat match between three of the best wrestlers alive with the winner getting a shot, they had to have 34 stipulations for each guy. Prince AJ could win and take a shot at the TNA Championship, or he could use the win and allow Kurt Angle to not defend the belt until “Lockdown.” I think if Christian and Joe were to win they could either take a shot at Angle or get 30 minutes with Karen. Christian took the title shot by the way.

The match itself was nothing short of fan-damn-tastic, but as I said, it had the gimmick specter looming over it. Speaking of gimmicks though, James Mitchell is Abyss’s father? I thought Abyss’ mother shot his father, and Abyss took the blame for so long. So did Abyss’ mom shoot Jim Mitchell? I thought his father was in a vegetative state. This is too much for even the most elementary of marks to absorb. What a weak ass payoff for yet another Abyss secret. This was one of those things that I honestly spent way too much time thinking about.

I don’t know if this reeks of Vince Russo, or reeks of someone tripping on ‘shrooms and drinking Everclear. I didn’t want to be negative, Hammer called and I owed him a solid. I figured I’d cover TNA, no big deal right? Wrong. An hour into the show, the mid card, Jim Mitchell and his freaky ass eyebrows reveals himself to be Abyss’ dad. In his interview a few minutes earlier Judas Messy Ass was standing behind him. I guess Judas was a byproduct of his completely dysfunctional sperm as well. What other incredibly overused gimmicks floated around in Mitchell’s balls?

Next month on iMPACT, I almost guarantee you that Sharkboy will be from Father Jim Mitchell’s one night stand with a mermaid (insert Flight of the Conchords impression here). I think Mike Tenay is partaking in the use of whatever is causing the drug induced stupor of TNA’s creative team. I know he’s sitting in on the meetings again, but you know what, I don’t care. I shit on Mike Tenay as much as everyone else does, but I need to take it a step farther. Fuck you Mike Tenay. Fuck you for putting over the fact that James Mitchell saying he was Abyss’ father as one of TNA’s biggest revelations. Fuck you Tenay.

Watching TNA is kind of like watching local theatre. You can’t do it much, and when you do it’s because you’re required to do so. You can tell the talent is there, but there is just something missing. Like a director, or a writer or something. As far as TNA goes, there is something definitely missing. I want TNA to do well. I get tired of the WWE being the only show I can watch now that RoH isn’t on because I switched satellite providers. I’m a big AJ Styles mark. I’m a big Raven mark. I don’t think there is a guy on the TNA roster I hate as much as I hate 40% of the WWE roster.

Let’s step it down, and go lighthearted shall we? ODB! The Irish Hammer seems to get his jollies to pictures of this broad at least 4 times a night. I’ll be the first to admit, you give me a nice rack, and I’ll give you my undivided attention. She delivers in that department, but as far as everything else I’m up in the air. Her body is pretty damn good, and her face isn’t terrible, but all together it’s a little overwhelming. I guess Badstepdaddy and The Irish Hammer can have ODB and Awesome Kong. I’ll take Gail Kim, Traci Brooks, Peyton Banks and the rest of the Knocked up roster.

I actually had a conversation with The Hammer after iMPACT went off. I explained to him the wardrobe of ODB. I think he O’d himself, or pulled a Fronte when Danyah comes around. I’d like to take this opportunity to actually commend TNA on putting together the best, and by far the hottest roster of females on major network TV. As far as sheer size of the roster, WWE may be close, but as far as talent, I don’t think the E can even be classified in the same category. TNA has female wrestlers who are hot, and WWE has hot females, and a few can wrestle. Women’s wrestling may not be important, but at least it’s easy on the eyes.

Staying on the topic of women, I have figured out how TNA can get ratings, make money and keep Dan-e-o’s attention. Have Karen Angle wear high heels, and come out between every match. High heels are all by the way. Hell it doesn’t have to be high heels. It can be whatever you want, maybe nothing, maybe hooker boots, and maybe tube socks. Onto another female, it’s been awhile like I said since I watched TNA, but when did Roxxi lose all the weird shit? She’s hot. Maybe Fronte and I should write an entire article on hot women in the biz.

I’m trying to stay positive, and since I was talking about women, and I mentioned Roxxi, let me transition to the Outlaws. The guys who used to kick it doggy style, and lived in the dog house, but now they live in the old folk’s home. Bullet Bob Armstrong, wasn’t he apart of Kip and BG becoming the James Gang? Didn’t they beat Konnan’s ass or something? But since Road Dogg and Bad Ass are BG and Kip now the past doesn’t matter. I guess since BG and Kip aren't the James Gang, now their VKM it really doesn't matter. I guess TNA can hit reset whenever they want. I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again the revisionist history shit has to stop.

Sharkboy is apparently the Ken Kennedy ripoff of TNA. Either that or a blatant shot at WWE altogether, I love how the injuries are now his gimmick. The best part of all the Sharkboy vignettes was Chris Harris. Did anyone else hear Chris Harris say his career way dying? That needd to be mentioned twice. That was the most dead on writing TNA has had in years. I have to admit I popped for Sharkboy’s Stone Cold impression. The Shark family was a little much. His wife looked just like him, so I’m guessing TNA is promoting incest.

The final thing I want to touch on is the new agreement between TNA and UFC. Brock Lesnar training footage to air next week on iMPACT, so I’m wondering if this is just hyping Lesnar and his UFC debut, or if this will be a long-term thing. Can you say media whore? Will Lesnar wrestle for TNA? Will ODB compete in MMA? Only time will tell.

Quick results…
*ODB def. Angelina Love
*Tomko def. Eric Young
*Kaz def. Senshi
*Abyss def. Lance Hoyt
*Robert Roode def. Sonjay Dutt
*Christian def. Samoa Joe and Prince AJ

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