Tha Raw Report: Truly Shitertaining!

Did I call it, or did I call it, ladies and gentlemen? I said in my Royal Rumble recap that we were in for more of the same, and boy, were we ever! I suppose to say that I called it isn't much to brag about; after all, this big Cena "swerve" was nothing but a lame-ass way to retread right back to the same shit that fewer people were tuning into over the past three years.

It's now at the point where the only entertaining thing about this show is determing just how much of a smartass I can be in reviewing it. And, for the record, I would just like to say that if WrestleMania twenty some years down the road are being main evented by clones of John Cena taking on clones of Triple H, that I fucking called it. Anyways, on to "Raw".

John Cena comes out to start off "Raw", and by the way, why is he still being referred to as 'the champ'? I thought his gimmick was that he was a rapper, or a 'chain gang soldier', or at least that of a greedy, spoiled little suburban New England bitch who believes that people should automatically get some of whatever they want. But nope, apparently his gimmick is centered primarily around him having that belt attached at the hip like it was a blinged-up, spinning phallus.

So much so that now, for winning the Royal Rumble in the kind of 'great swerve' that ranks right up there with swerving to miss a deer with a convertible and crashing into the back of a full septic truck, he now gets to headline the granddaddy of mediocrity, No Way Out. Really? I had hoped to find the time and ambition prior to Royal Rumble to make an article calling out the E on being so careless in the way they present this one revered yearly spectacle, but I think perhaps it was better to keep my mouth shut and let creative pull a pants-on-head idiotic stunt like this. Now, for winning the Rumble, Cena gets a shot at the next pay-per-view, NOT at WrestleMania. Instant gratification is where it's at, apparently.

So, of course, with the Rumble victory being made to look pointless, WWE had the new task of figuring out how to determine the number one contender for the WWE Championship at WrestleMania XXIV. No worries, though, as the writing team of "Raw", which seems to get massive erections at the thought of bad booking, decided to have an Elimination Chamber take place at No Way Out, with the winner going on to WrestleMania for a title shot. I'm honest to God waiting for the year where everybody gets in the ring and they draw straws for the title shot; it's not like they're far off.

Two competitors in the aformentioned elimination chamber, Shawn Michaels and Triple H, teamed up last night to take on Umaga, who will also be in the match, and Snitsky, who doesn't really seem to serve any purpose other than to stand there and wait for someone to knock the ugly off of his face. It may be quite a wait, so feel free to grab a magazine. And make sure that it's the new WWE magazine, because I'm sure that when D-X reforms for "One Night Only", that they're going to try and peddle that to you!

Question number one: why is it that Michaels and Triple H keep "reforming" D-X at least once a month? It's rather insulting to watch them randomly get together once a month, show off new merchandise, and then go their separate ways until Vince needs some extra bank to make another payment on the stem cells.
Question number two: Does Michaels know that Christianity frowns upon whoring?

Mr. Kennedy is now set to take on Ric Flair. I'm not exactly wetting myself at the promise of a great storyline, because let's be honest here; Flair's not gonna ride off into the sunset at a subpar pay-per-view like No Way Out, and if they were to write him out at this show, it'd be moronic. He ought to go out at a show that has garnered as much pomp and circumstance as he himself has over his legendary career, which means that his match with Kennedy is just a throwaway while we wait for somebody to put the old bastard out of commission at WrestleMania.

However, the match itself certainly doesn't lack promise, as Flair is still a great worker, and Kennedy can use this as a chance to sharpen his skills against one of the best. Sure, maybe he's not the golden boy of the company, but if he's going to be a future main eventer, he's got to at least know how to hold his own in the ring against main eventers, right?

Maria is set to pose in Playboy this year, which traditionally means that she's going to get a women's title match at WrestleMania. However, I don't think this will be the case, since a match featuring Maria VS. Beth Phoenix may resemble less of a championship match and more of a fight between a hockey player and a 10-year-old who is duct taped to a tree.

The main event last night featured Randy Orton and JBL taking on Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy. I'm going to do something I almost never do unless someone has a knife held squarely against my throat, and I'm going to admit that I was wrong. I think a move to "Raw" is good for JBL; he certainly has the heel charisma and quick-wittedness to handle a live show, plus having one less heel main eventer on "SmackDown!" leaves room for MVP to become a main event player in the near future.

It's safe to say that neither JBL nor Bobby Lashley is going to "SmackDown!" for a while, so the main event is in need of both a heel and some soul. Porter can provide both, and maybe even Tha Black Prophet may be happy. Then again, with how racist McMahon has been over the years, the Compton native certainly does have a legitimate axe to grind.

On a side note, since nobody wants the Intercontinental Championship, may I have it, WWE? I'd make it look good, swear to God. I'd have sex in public with it around my waist and I'd have torch runners and the whole shebang, since that's how you seem to put over titles these days. What do you say, Vince? Come on, I'm Irish, show some love for your bretheren!

Tha results:
*Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall def. Mickie James & Ashley
*Carlito def. Cody Rhodes
*Triple H & Shawn Michaels def. Snitsky & Umaga
*Mr. Kennedy def. Brian Kendrick
*Maria def. Melina
*Randy Orton & JBL def. Jeff Hardy & Chris Jericho

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