"Son of a bitch! What the fuck! Who is writing this bullshit?!"I'm pretty sure this is what was going through the head of Donnie and Dan the majority of the night while watching Royal Rumble. Which was why I stepped into this role. Not because I'm any less peeved at the shit that I shoved into my eyeballs last night, but because, as the guy who's covered TNA over the past year, I'm used to tactfully covering poorly written crap.
However, tact has gone out the window on this one. WWE, what the hell is wrong with you?
Ric Flair and MVP was the curtain jerker. I can't really say anything too bad about this, it promised what it delivered for a curtain jerker with a lame stipulation. I still think Flair would do better to go out as a heel, but this show gave me enough to bitch about, so I'm going to leave my critique of this match by stating that MVP needs to be considered a major player in the near future of WWE.
Why wasn't the match between JBL and Chris Jericho used as the blowoff? There really isn't anywhere they can go with this feud, so to have tonight's match have a shmoz finish and then continue the feud makes no sense. Or, if that's how they're ending this feud, that's even stupider.
Edge beat Rey Mysterio tonight, which didn't come as a surprise to anyone. But I really hate the way they're booking Edge as a heel. Why is it that "ShitDown!" always feels the need to surround every heel champion with as many cronies as possible? The writers of this show have no idea what to do when it comes to heel champions or heel GMs. And right now they have both, which is a double whammy.The ONLY bright spot of the night was the match between Randy Orton and Jeff Hardy. These two went out and put on one hell of a match. I O'd like a motherfucker when Hardy jumped through the ropes to dropkick Orton square in the chest, sending Randy flying. I also loved the finish of Orton reversing the Twist Of Fate into an RKO. I have to admit, it would have been nice to see Jeff Hardy win the WWE Championship, but hopefully this isn't the last time that he gets a title shot, because he clearly can get over as a top guy.
WWE did a GREAT job of really suspending the belief of fans and making them think that Hardy could pull off the biggest win of his career. Okay, enough being nice, time to throw the gloves off.
I think that if Fatty Fronte were to go into a coma for 20 years, wake up and celebrate the occasion by downing 6 cans of Mad Dog 20/20, then take a pen that was filled up with my ejaculation, we could've gotten a better writing for last night's Royal Rumble match. Instead, we got something that looked like creative threw it together five minutes before the hookers were supposed to come by.
For starters, I don't know if creative has been trying to punk Marella or not as of late, and frankly, at this exact moment I don't give a shit, because they sure did last night. Santino did his best Bushwhacker impression, lasting all of about 17 seconds. One guy that did NOT get punked, however, was John Cena. I'm going to pause and take one long, deep breath here so that I don't completely lose it over this asinine decision.
And, I failed at calming down. What the HELL went through the minds of WWE writers when they decided this bullshit? I never thought I wouldn't be happy at Triple H not going over in this match, but I swear to God, had Cena put over The Game, I would've been the biggest Hunter mark in all of North America.
The worst part is in the way that he won the Rumble. A surprise entrant at number 30. He comes out with mannerisms that sort of reflected his old rap gimmick, but it was still the same old shitty Cena. At times last night, it seemed like he flirted with heeldom, but let's be realistic here. WWE wants to ride Cena's roided-up milkteat as deep into their bankroll as possible, and the day he turns heel is the day that Fronte gets laid. Yeah, I'm willing to go that far, I think Cena turning heel is about as probable as Fatty getting a girl to scream that he's her daddy. We're in for more of the same, folks.So now we're going to be treated to Cena vs. Orton at WrestleMania. Unless our last hope and prayer comes through, and Cena loses his WrestleMania title shot at No Way Out. But again, let's keep one foot in reality here. And I don't want to hear that Cena's "good for the business", because the numbers indicate that he's not as great for the business as people think he is, so you just can't say that! You can't! YOU FUCKING CAN'T!!! And if you still feel the need to try and convince me otherwise, I will rip into you mercilessly.
One good match and one decent match was simply not enough to overcome the rest of the shit that happened tonight. There's an old saying that in wrestling, the thing you remember most is the last impression. Last night, the last impression was one of O-ster nation leaning over their toilets, heaving in disgust.
Tha Results:
*Ric Flair def. MVP
*Chris Jericho def. JBL dy Disqualification
*Edge def. Rey Mysterio to retain World Heavyweight Championship
*Randy Orton def. Jeff Hardy to retain WWE Championship
*John Cena won the Royal Rumble
29 comments: on "Royal Stumble"
Fuck John Cena-clap clap clapclapclap-Fuck John Cena-clap clap clapclapclap-Fuck John Cena-clap clap clapclapclap
Talk about a disa-fucking-pointment. Had I spent my money on that shit, I'd be done. Thank God it was on the house.
Tonights Rumble did show me one thing, THE E CARES NOTHING ABOUT IT'S FUTURE. Sure a few guys got some time to shine, but now, it's all reverted back to WCW, oops, I mean old guy WWE. So yeah, WCW here we come.
Nothing on this show felt "ppv-ish" ... and I'm including Randy Orton VS. Jeff Harvey.
There weren't any legit falseys in Harvey's favor and he dominated way too much earlier. That's the kind of predictable championship booking that dates back to the original Hogan run.
The reason Y2Gay / JBL continues - is cuz they don't have ANYTHING for hockey hair to do.
Dan-e-o is legit hot ........ cuz Hornswoggle was never eliminated.
Never should a Rumble winner stand there victorious, having not been in the ring long enough to break a sweat.
What I think happened, and I'm dead serious here...I think when Finlay got "disqualified" (which is the GAYEST thing to EVER HAPPEN in a Rumble match!!!!), Hornswoggle got a DQ as well.
I love the way that WWE worked everyone. It's been a long time. Lying to the internet is the new Kayfabe. All the Cena haters were probably pumped when they heard that he'd be out til after Mania. Then he returns and wins the Rumble. Awesome. Even more awesome because the alternative after HBK and Taker got dumped was Triple H, who just blows smoke up his own ass and destroys stars in the making for 2 years when he grabs the title.
I thought MVP losing to the figure four was suprising, mainly because he is the US champion. Match had some flubs.
I think the JBL/Jericho feud could go either way. They fucked up his whole return, but JBL could decide to be a chicken shit heel who doesn't want anymore of his own medicine, pack his ball, and go home. After all, no one wants Coach on Smackdown, and after seeing the Wrestling Gawd tonight, I think we can all agree he is much better behind the booth.
I love the fact that Edge is assembling a heel stable. Heel stables are awesome. It's a great way to get many guys involved in stories and get characters over.
WWE sorta dropped the ball with Hardy. I don't know where he goes from here, when for the past few weeks he's been as hot as anyone would need to be to be a world champion. For once, WWE set their long term plans as being more important I guess.
WWE has too many main event level babyfaces and not enough main event level heels.
If the main at Mania is Cena vs. Orton, and Edge faces Taker, then you have Triple H, HBK, Rey Mysterio, Kane, and Batista against Mark Henry, Big Daddy V, Khali, Umaga, and Snitsky in a series of dudes vs. shitty workers all doing the same monster gimmick. And let's not forget Big Show is coming back.
Mr. Kennedy, Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho, MVP, CM Punk, and Shelton Benjamin are likely all relegated to Money in the Bank...
Hopefully WWE can shuffle around some talent quickly in the next two months!
WTF was the bs ? I haven't been this pissed since Hogan beat Yokozuna at WM 9 after Yoko just beat Bret for the WWE title.
What about Hirnswoggle , he never got thrown out ?
Best part of the whole crappy show was fans chanting "You can't wrestle" at Great Kahli. The rest of the show sucked. Big time.
OK, you guys are killing me.
The Cena surprise win was AWESOME. I legit popped and thought it was well done.
I think he absolutely needs to turn heel and there is absolutely way more intrigue in a Cena/HHH program with Cena as a strong heel.
However, for a one night surprise that caught everyone off guard it was great.
You just killed your own argument, son. As I said in my article, Cena won't turn heel before WrestleMania, and if he does, I will buy you a case of Labatt next time I go to Toronto.
Cena goes heel, when I'm in Toronto on top of Hammers case, you get 2 from me.
Tim, I see where you're coming from with the idea of heel stables. True, it is a good way to throw more guys into the mix, but the problem is, with the Edgeheads, and JBL's Cabinet before that, is that they take the most bland, mediocre guys possible and shove them in. Stables only help people that can actually get over. If you're boring as shit, having you be the personal bitch of a champion won't help (see: Major Brothers).
Maybe I'm too much of a mark for my own good, but I enjoyed the show and thought the surprise was great. The MSG crowd were quick to turn on Cena anyway...it's funny cuz they popped for the entrance BIG TIME and then checked their own head and remembered that they hated this guy.
Just to be clear, Ric Flair's farewell tour is basically designed to put his opponent's offence over and eke out wins until the time is right? He looked tired tonight.
Story-wise, the Jericho vs. JBL match was good. The whole point was to re-legitimize Y2J's ruthlessness, show some color and end with JBL laying. UGLY botch on the bulldog seemed to be the catalyst for it too.
I loved how over Edge was with the NYC crowd and how Rey once again was not. Little dude can't catch a break in that town. Any particular reason why? Mysterio's DDT on the floor was cool; Edge's mid-air spear was cooler.
Hardy/Orton was pretty sweet too...best Whisper in the Wind that I've seen executed. The RKO was spot-on...I just hope that Jeff's push doesn't subside. Rumor has it that No Way Out will have an Elimination Chamber and there should be a continuation of his push in that match.
The Rumble itself was really saturated with big dudes this year. I think the end of the match leaves a lot of possibilities open for things to get fucked with and I say fuck away!
Maybe I'm too optimistic.
i really think im done with wrestling now, im am so sick of cena being champ wow i hate this shit it's the same old crap over and over
It was the crappiest crap that ever got crapped.
Yes, not a very thought provoking comment, but all this PPV deserved. I am so glad I followed my instincts and didn't buy it. Instead, I went to a sucker's...I mean...friend's to see it.
I can't believe the E actually had me WANTING HHH to win the Rumble just so Cena would not.
There were several flubs in the Smackdown matches, but I liked the Edge/Rey match. I thought the Orton/Hardy match was good, but I still believe not putting the belt on hardy while he's hot is stupid....AND...the main reason I wanted to see the PPV is the Rumble and it was the worst Rumble I've seen. It was like watching a house show minus the shameless plugs for the merch table.
Fatty, Cena already was heel last night as the NY crowd crapped on him. Of course, Vince had Gerald Brisco's fingers in his ears while the other "yes" men go "lalalalalalalala."
After that shower of shit, all I can say is move over WCW and ECW because WWE - R.I.P!
Here's something to think about wouldnr a Heel Cena be more popular then A face Cena.Also I'm too pissed to type
Had some time to sleep on this RR and it still makes me feel dirty. Some folks have been saying "Oh, I didnt expect that so its cool!" Fuck that. All surprises arent good ones. Sad that The E has fans happy for getting what they know they dont want. I'd pick HHH over Cena any day of the week. I have never seen a Cena match I've enjoyed. NEVER. Having him win the RR killed all momentum they have built since his monkey ass got hurt.
Flair as a heel leaving would have been great but I doubt it'll happen now. He'd have to go against someone the fans actually like and The E aint letting that happen. I have a feeling that its all downhill for MVP now. Not because he lost to Flair. He just has no one to fight. I mean, who even wants the US title? I'll wait.
Rey/Edge is a match I feel like I've seen too many times in recent weeks to even care about seeing it on PPV.
The E has way too many big men right now. One of the best things about RR's was when a big sumbitch would show up out of nowhere. Think Vader. I just dont care about The E right now. I am going to have to take a break from them for a while. They make my taint hurt.
Dante, as far as taint pain, I think Fatty has some sauve for it. He can either use his perscription treatment, or I hear he loves licking the taint.
As far as watching WWE I'm going to have to take a break from it as well. Watching and writing ECW and "SmackDown!" will be enough wrestling for me.
Yet again, I'm left to plead with the WWE to not make me hate wrestling.
The thing about the Cena surprise was, that as soon as his music hit, the surprise was gone. From the time Cena danced out I'm pretty sure 99.9% of people knew that he was going over.
Damn. Just fucking damn.
I'm in shock...
Just out of curiousity I went to wwe.com and the fucking 1st headline is...
"The CHAMP to Open Raw"
The mother fucker is still called the champ. FUCK CENA.
Now that I've had time to digest it, I like Cena winning. I'm on your side Fronte. What an awesome surprise. 10 years from now, when the marks watching last night are grown up and writing on this site, they'll talk about how awesome this moment was. If this was some smark favorite, everyone would be calling this the greatest rumble ever. Props to the E.
It doesn't even need to be a smark favorite thing. It needs to be a good for business thing. That moment didn't add buys to the Rumble. It may cause 150 people to buy the replay, but no major financial or rating gain will be made. The fans in the building turned on him, that should say enough.
It was a cool moment seeing the ultimate surprise, but having him do it at Number 30 destroyed what the E had built. No man had ever won it at 30, then Taker did it. That honor should be Takers, having ANYONE do it taints that.
If Edge beats Taker at Mania, I don't think it'll be that great. Taker has worked so long to do what he's done and no matter what the smark opinion is, he'll be a long-lasting memory. It may not matter that he is defeated at Mania, but it'll linger, and a guy like Edge doesn't benifit much from it, he's already over.
Cena ripping the steam of the #30 2 years in a row makes it completely insignificant as to where you enter, it takes the mistique away from the Rumble. Seeing Cena and Orton at Mania will be the same thing it's always been at Mania. A great match by Cena's opponent, but Cena havingto be carried AGAIN!
John Cena is going to bad for business again, and once he wins the strap, he'll hold it for 3 or 4 years and remain undefeated. At this point, that would not shock me. Vince is so fucking awestruck and in love with John Cena he can't see the forest for the trees.
If this moment is talked about in 10 years as one of the best, it wont be because it was the greatest or even great, it's because now, AGAIN, the quality of almost everything else will go down. John Cena himself has never had a quality match. Guys have had 25star matches against him, but he has to be carried to look decent.
I hear people say he's worked on him moveset, but the only thing he's worked on is getting more offense in. He can't sell, he has no psychology, he has nearly nothing to offer to anyone other than 8 year olds, teenage girls and people with hard-ons for instant gratification. Cena isn't shit in the longrun, numbers back that up.
Dude, isn't 30 supposed to be the best spot? Don't they always talk about how it's easier to win at that spot and everyone wants it? So wouldn't him winning from there put over that? Makes sense to me.
I would have to agree. For once Lets just wait and see how it plays out
The thing about 30 is that while it's supposed to be easy, it never has been, because that guy assumes an automatic target. If it was easy wouldn't more guys than Taker have done it?
No...that's just how they book it. They continuously put over the spot though every year. Makes sense.
I don't like the 30 spot winning two years in a row. It was always the spot everyone wanted, but could never win from. Then 'Taker used that and won last year. To do it twice in a row took away from a guy going from the first few low numbers and gutting it out. 'Heroic' efforts were made by guys going 30, 40 50 minutes+. I heard almost none of that last night. If Cena was going to win it, yet conditioning was going to be a factor, make the surprise at 20-25. If he can't go that long, STAY HOME. I also didn't think there was any way HHH was going to win the rumble because way too many people wanted it. This was the Fed basically saying to everyone "screw you all, we're running this the way we want, to hell what anyone thinks".
Big H
Really? No ones tired of the now cliche "guy roughing it out 30 minutes" to win? Winning from 30 gives realism.
Yeah but two guys in there who have been in for a good 30 minutes brings drama and kicks up the crediblity of the guys in there. If you wanna talk realism in the Rumble then riddle me this, why do just about every tag team turn on each other way before the end? Why don't everyone in the ring at the time try to eliminate the freshest guy as soon as they get in? WHy don't somebody just get in the ring and then slide under the bottom rope and go sit in the crowd for the remained of the match?Why is Andre the Giant and Big John Studd the only "Big Men" to EVER win a Rumble? See how realism can fuck up a good tradition. The Rumble isn't about realism, it's about defying the oods to get the ultimate prize. A winning #30 can be done but it depends on two things; 1)the WORKER who drew #3o and 2)the man that's left to face him. An example of this is last years Rumble where Shawn had been in there for a bit and Taker was the last man. They went on to have a mini- mania match that told you and the audience that they wanted this so bad that if one does get elimated it won't be for lack of trying. On the other hand look at what two meatheads without guidance or direction can bring. For this example, I give Cena vs Batista. They almost blew the "eliminated at the same time" spot which has been done numerous times before and the match they had was nothing but typical "body" (stole that from Dibiase) wrestling. The stakes are raised and that should mean that the games are raised as well. It's like they said on the radio show, the Rumble match is as important as the main event at Maina cause it really determines who gets there. Sorry for going off on a tangent.
Mr. Del Negro
winning from 30 two years and a row will remind people how big a deal it is when a single digit pulls it off.
They abused #1.
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