Size Matters

While browsing through Mrs. Id’s photos of the recent New Wave Pro show I had a sudden clear and concise revelation about something. Something that’s been cited by many veteran workers (and fans) as a major problem with modern Indy wrestling; that being the shattering of believability due to the size and physique many of today’s performers bring to the ring. My revelation? They’re absolutely right.

Men I respect, both in and out of the ring; men like Johnny Devine, Bloody Bill Skullion and others, have often said the business suffers as a result of “paperboys” and “little kids” sharing the ring with those who better fit the “look” of professional wrestlers, be it as prime physical specimens or larger than life monsters. Pictures of one match from the New Wave Pro show struck me as proof positive that they’re right. They’ve always been right.

The match in question was of no real importance. It was a 6 Man Scramble that followed the first round matches of New Wave’s Top of the Indies tournament. It featured the following performers: Mike Stevens, Matt Burns, Danny Magnum, Rip Impact, Hornet and Matt Bison. One of those men is definitely not like the others but, although I recognized that fact as I watched the match, I didn't realize until I saw Mrs. Id’s photos just how big a difference it was or… that it was that difference that made the bout seem “off” to me while I watched it.

Nothing personal against Matt Bison but, stay the fuck out of the ring. And that goes for everyone who looks like you as well. Bison weighs maybe 170 lbs. He’s under 6 feet tall, has no muscle development whatsoever and he’s pale as a ghost. He looks more like an anemic store clerk than he does a wrestler. Am I supposed to believe he’s a credible threat in the ring against guys far larger and more muscled than he is? That’s a stretch no matter how much pot I smoke.

Matt Burns is built like a brick house, thick and muscular. His biceps are bigger around than Bison’s thighs. He’s tanned and wears actual ring attire; unlike the baggy Value Village shorts and T-shirts Bison covers his pale frame with. Not only does Burns look like he could escape Bison’s arm wringer with a simple flex of his wrist (although he didn’t, he sold it like a pro) he looks strong enough to rip Bison’s arm right out of its socket.

Mike Stevens possesses a chiseled physique, cat-like balance and is undeniably bigger, stronger and more wrestler-like than Bison. Who would you put on the poster advertising your show? Maybe, just MAYBE, Matt Bison could present a believable threat to Stevens or Burns if he used a style based on MMA or played a full-on psychopath. But he doesn’t. Bison employs a flippy high spot style mixed with a few chain wrestling sequences; mat wrestling that is so obviously allowed to happen by the bigger guys that it destroys the credibility of it being a contest.

Danny Magnum is at least heavy enough (and ugly enough) to play a believable brawler even if his ring attire does look like one of Fabulous Moolah’s castoff bathing suits. He outweighs Bison by a hundred pounds. Bison would have to dive off the top rope onto his opponent all night to achieve the believability of damage inflicted by just one of Magnum’s running knee strikes.

Small wrestlers (or their fans) reading this might wonder why Rip Impact and Hornet aren’t being singled out like Bison in this little rant of mine and the answer is simple. They’re not like him or a hundred other pasty, pudgy, out of shape wannabes that call themselves pro wrestlers. They have WORKED to develop the frames they have. They look, behave and perform like athletes because that is what they are. They know what a gym is and they KNOW how to perform in a believable way in the ring.

As small as Hornet is, it’s obvious that he has worked to develop his body. His entire musculature is defined and sculpted. He wears real ring attire and works a style that fits his size and carries with it the believable chance of overcoming a bigger opponent. His lucha based flying compliments his real skills at European styled strikes and formidable submissions; unlike Bison and so many other skinny workers whose improbable high flying antics border on the absurd.

I like Matt Bison. I think he’s a nice kid. But I don’t think he belongs in a wrestling ring because he has absolutely NOTHING that separates him from the people in the crowd. If he really loves this business, if he really wants to be a wrestler, if his dream of in-ring stardom is truly honest then he would be working to develop ALL the things necessary to make that dream a reality. One has only to look at his pasty underdeveloped body to know that he is not doing so.

By getting in the ring and presenting himself as a wrestler he is in fact mocking and undervaluing the very business he professes to love. And so is every other young “wrestler” like him. And you all know who you are. You’re like a computer virus that masquerades as a real program so people will download it, allowing it to make files disappear because YOU masquerade as real wrestlers, infect wrestling shows and cause fans to vanish.

Of course Matt Bison and his ilk are not the villains here. It is the so-called promoters who present those diminutive charades as talent that are truly to blame. They are selling snake oil, fakes and forgeries as authentic representatives of pro wrestling and the ticket buying public is growing weary of it. The business is hurting. What chance to Ontario Indy promotions have of drawing casual fans back a second time if they feed them a show peppered with “little guys”? When those fans who are used to seeing larger than life wrestlers on their TV sets each week attend an Ontario Indy show, and see half the roster is no bigger than their teenage son, what are they supposed to think?

What do YOU think?

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