Ian Clark's Edge Retirement Raw Recap

Michael Cole begins the broadcast, introduced as "the only undefeated Superstar in WWE". Which is bullshit, by the way. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler lost a Tag Team Title Match to Priceless back in 2008. John Cena makes his way out as Cole sits at the Cole Mine.

"Look around! I know you people at home can hear this, look around because it's a great night to be in the WWE Universe. It's chaos, it's energy because last week an announcement was made that turned the WWE upside down. For the first time in history, an announcement so big that it needs one year for the WWE Universe to digest. These people know what I'm talking about. This match was made for Wrestlemania 28, a match that pits icon against icon, generation against generation. A match that will be the biggest spectacle in all of sports entertainment. I know you've all got your calendars circled, April 1st 2012, John Cena goes one on one with The Rock! And a match of this magnitude that can electrify a crowd like tonight can't just be two competitors fighting for bragging rights. I'm telling everyone right now that the main event of Wrestlemania 28, John Cena vs. The Rock will be for the WWE Championship! If we're going to make it the biggest match in history then it has to be for the richest prize in sports entertainment, which leads me to tonight! Because for this match at Wrestlemania to be for the WWE Championship, the guy who fights every week has to win the WWE Championship. I will waste no more time. Right now I am issuing a challenge for the current WWE Champion The Miz, last night was a Wrestlemania moment, we need one more tonight!"

Randy Orton makes his way out instead.

Orton: "John, with all due respect, I think any business that you had at Wrestlemania, well it's already been settled. You can blame The Rock all you want, you can make as many matches for next year's Wrestlemania as you please, but it doesn't change the fact that you lost. Now I think you should step aside and give someone else the opportunity, someone who actually won their match at Wrestlemania."

"The way you're talking--"

Cena's cut off by John Morrison.

"John Cena and Randy Orton. Pardon the interruption but I think I can see where this is headed. The two of you arguing over who should be the number one contender, I've seen this show before. I think we've all seen this show before. And it's a good show. It's just not as good as it's going to be now that John Morrison's involved. If there's a discussion involved about who's going to be fighting for the WWE Championship, I think that discussion needs to involve John Morrison."

EXCUSE ME!

Vickie: "I said excuse me! Morrison, somebody should, somebody new should have a championship opportunity. But you? Umm... didn't I personally pin you in a match a few weeks ago? The person who should be next in line for a WWE Championship match... is me! Okay, okay, if it's not me, it should be Dolph Ziggler."

Ziggler: "I didn't come to Raw to waste my time on people like Snooki. I mean, look around, I'm obviously the most talented Superstar in the ring right now. More importantly, I have never faced The Miz for the WWE Championship so until then, the line starts here. Don't worry, keep your heads up, once I'm champion you'll all get your chance to face me--"

R-Truth interrupts? FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

Truth: "Bridgeport, Connecticut, WHAT'S UP? The gospel Truth. Truth is, I have never, never gotten a one on one WWE Championship match on any show. That's the Truth, and that's what's up!"

BING!

Cole/GM: "You all make compelling arguments as to who should recieve the next WWE Championship match against The Miz. So to settle it I have decided to give all of you an opportunity. I've come up with a new concept in the form of a five-man gauntlet match. Two superstars chosen at random will start. The winner will face the next random Superstar. This continues until all five Superstars have been in the match. The man who goes the distance becomes the #1 Contender and faces The Miz at Extreme Rules."

First of all, in what way is that new? Second of all, how is that not bullshit? Gauntlet matches can be fun, but in the end it still doesn't make anyone look like the better man because there's only one completely even 1-on-1 match in the whole thing.

A promo airs with someone pulling the head off a barbie doll. HOLY SHIT IT'S KONG! IT'S TOTALLY FUCKING KONG!

Match One: Divas Championship: Brie Bella vs. Eve Torres (c)

Apparently this match started with a Twitfeud. I don't follow either of them so I have no idea. Eve pulls out a magic marker and demands the ref mark Brie's hand with an X. Nice! Brie with kicks, slaps, whip, club to the back of the head, boots in the corner, snapmare, chinlock with restrained arm, elbows to the gut by Eve, Bulldog, dropkick, knee to the gut, kick to the face, clothesline, Moonsault, cover for two, misses a splash in the corner, puts Brie in the tree of woe, dropkick,the twins switch places, Eve with a dropkick, reveals that it's the wrong hand, Brie with a facebuster for the win.

Winner and NEW Divas Champion: Brie Bella

There's a silver lining in all of this. A silver and black-clad lining with a dark complexion and a delectably zaftig figure to be more specific. Enjoy the title reign, Bella #1, and while you're at it, might want to finally learn how to take a proper bump.

After a commercial, Gail Kim tries to console Eve, who bites her head off. Natalya comes in with the same intention, gets the same response.

Match Two: Sin Cara vs. Primo

Holy shit, it's Primo! Remember when this guy had a title around his waist? And was on TV more than once a year? Primo dives, Cara dodges, Cara with a waistlock, Primo with a hammerlock, Sin Cara with a jumping snapmare in response. Sin Cara with a kick, Primo with one of his own, then punches, whip, Sin Cara jumps off Primo, monkey flip, dropkicks Primo out of the ring, dives over the top rope for a hurricanrana, tosses Primo back in, Primo dropkicks him out of the ring, Cara oversells, Primo tosses Cara back in the ring, mixed shots, dropkick for a one-count, Primo with a chinlock, throws Cara down, chop in the corner, whip, misses a splash, Cara with a chop, then another, a third, whip reversed, Cara with a springboard hurricanrana, head scissors, Primo with a shot to the gut, powerbomb reversed into a sunset flip for two, whip, Primo with a kick, goes up top, Cara with an enziguri, Primo pulls him off the top rope to the floor, Cara recovers, hits another enziguri, Flux Capacitor for three!

Winner: Sin Cara

Slam of the week is The Corre getting beat down last week. The one that happened on Raw, not the one that happened on Smackdown. The Corre are standing in the ring.

Barrett: "Now last week, John Cena and The Rock made WWE history when they agreed to a match at Wrestlemania 28. Well we, the Corre decided that we were going to come down and attack Cena and The Rock, to no avail. Well I might add that that was to no fault of my own. I used to see us as equals, but if you can't keep up your end of the bargain then I see no point in going any further. I mean last week was a com--"

Gabriel: "End of the bargain? Let me remind you that it was my 450 that has taken out more members of this roster than anyone else. I'm the most talented guy in the ring right now. I am a three-time tag team champion."

Slater: "No, we are a three-time tag team champion, and no one will take that success from us. Not you, not Nexus, not The Corre, not anybody else."

Jackson: "You're not talking about me. I'm the one who made us credible by slamming a 500-pound giant. I am the most dominant person you have ever met. I am a--"

Santino Marella, Mark Henry, Bryan Danielson and Evan Bourne interrupt spontaneously.

Marella: "Hello gentlemens! If you guys are the Corre, then allow me to present the apple. That's right. Allied People Powered by Loathing Everything... that you stand for! And your team's self-implosion will continue tonight! Because team Apple, in the name of Vladmir Kozlov, challenge you to a fight. And unlike an apple, this fight will not keep the doctor away. Apple powers unite!"

Match Three: Eight-Man Tag: The Corre vs. Team A.P.P.L.E.

The match starts after a commercial with Bryan in a foot choke, Gabriel with a snapmare for two, Jackson in, punch, body slam, elbow drop for two, Barrett with a blind tag, boot, punch, Slater in, boot, body slam, Gabriel in with a senton for two, Slater in with a stomp, chinlock, Bryan elbows out, Slater with a blow to the back of the head, slam to the turnbuckle, whip, Bryan with a boot, dropkick, Marella in, punches, inverted atomic drop, chop, nails Barrett, headbutt, Corre breaks up the count, a brawl erupts, Marella goes for the Cobra, Justin Gabriel with a boot to the back of the head, Slater with a reverse DDT for the win.

Winners: The Corre

Fucking FINALLY. The Corre celebrate uncomfortably.

JR comes out, Cole won't shut the fuck up so JR actually starts to tear down the Cole Mine. Swagger goes to blindside JR, gets blindsided himself by Jerry Lawler. A huge brawl erupts as the show goes to commercial.

Match Four: Jerry Lawler vs. Jack Swagger (If Lawler wins, he gets a match with Michael Cole at ER under his conditions, if Swagger wins, Lawler never gets a match)

Lockup, Swagger pushes Lawler into the ropes, punch, whip reversed, Swagger with a flapjack, whip, Lawler with a punch, mocks the victory lap taunt, Swagger with punches in the corner, headlock, SHUT THE FUCK UP MICHAEL COLE! Lawler with a back suplex, Swagger goes for the ankle lock, Lawler grabs the ropes, Cole goes on about Lawler's mom, fuck you. Really, fuck kayfabe, I don't give a shit if it's supposed to be in character, fuck you. Swagger with a wrist lock, presses Lawler into the corner, elbows, break, slam into the corner, then into the adjacent one, Lawler hulks up, punches, Swagger with a boot to the gut, picks him up for a powerslam, Lawler slides off, hits a dropkick to the back, Swagger lands face-first into the second turnbuckle. Lawler goes to punch Cole, Swagger hits a clothesline, JR clotheslines Cole, Swagger grabs JR, ROLLUP FOR THREE!

Winner: Jerry Lawler

Please make it a ball gag match. Michael Cole yells at Jack Swagger after the match, pokes him in the chest, slaps him, exits stage right.

Lawler: "Hey, Michael Cole, let's talk about Extreme Rules, okay? Now I get to decide the match and I get to decide the stipulation. Now I've got a real good idea for the match. I think we should make it a tag team match. Me and my good friend JR against you and your former friend Jack Swagger. Jack, that's the guy who just slapped the taste out if your mouth. What do you think about him now, Jack?"

After a commercial, Edge comes out to make a "big announcement", teased to be his retirement.

"You may have to bear with me a little, I'm probably going to ramble and not make much sense so bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn't hurt, that a lot of what we do is just smoke and mirrors, but let me tell you as anyone in that locker room, as anyone who has ever stepped foot in this ring, they know that's not the case. Which brings me to what I'm about to tell you.

Eight years ago I broke my neck. I had spinal fusion surgery, which means they move my throat over, put a plate in, but what that means is that eight years ago I knew that I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and the last little while I've been in a lot of pain. I've been losing feeling in my arms. So I passed a strength test and I made it through Wrestlemania, but the WWE wanted me to take more tests, and good thing I did because the MRIs came back and they said I have to retire. I mean don't get me wrong, it's not my choice, the doctors made it very clear that I've got no choice.

Uhh... and thankfully they found out because I'm not going to end up in a wheelchair now. (Edge is tearing up) This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was going to be. So, you know, and thank you guys, but I tell ya, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week for me, I felt sorry for myself, until I talked to Christian, and for those of you who don't know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. I was angry with myself, I was angry with my body because I felt like there are a lot of people in this company who depend on me, I felt like I was letting them down, I felt like I was letting you guys down, uh, but then, I was upset too because I didn't feel like I was ending this on my terms, but then he reminded me that I've competed my whole career on my terms.

I'm still like all of you, I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go to Maple Leaf Gardens and we'd watch our favourites, we'd watch the Legion of Doom, we'd watch Demolition, Hulk Hogan, we'd watch all of them and just be enthralled, and then I saw Wrestlemania 6 and I said I'm doing this some day. And you know what? Fast forward a bunch of years and I'm main eventing Wrestlemania against The Undertaker. There's no way I ever would've believed that. There's no way I ever would've believed that I would win more championships than anyone in the history of this company, no way I would've believed it.

And if you had told me that my last match would be at Wrestlemania in one of the main events and that I'd be defending the World Heavyweight Championship and that I'd be retiring as World Heavyweight Champion, I couldn't dream of a better way to go out, I really couldn't. You know, I, uh, I started in the WWE when I was 23, I've been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them in WWE, my first match was May 10th, 1996 in Copps Coliseum. I was 23 years old and I feel like I've grown up in front of you. I've made a lot of mistakes in front of you, I've grown from them and I've become a man in front of you. I've gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York in a trenchcoat that was too small for him to a pseudo-vampire in The Brood to one of the funny, goofy guys with Christian posing for those with the benefit of flash photography, I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE, in fact I got thrown in the Long Island Sound, I had a live sex celebration thankfully with Lita and not Vickie Guerrero, and I would hope that through it all I've earned the respect of everyone in that locker room and I hope that I've earned all of your respect.

Because no matter what I tried to come out here and give you guys as much as I could every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me. So I'm going to miss all of this. I'm going to miss that reaction when I come out on that ramp. It's like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys and it's amazing, I can't describe it. That being said, I don't have to wear tights tomorrow and I am going to eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight. But if you asked me if I would do this all again, all the way back from getting hired by JR, if you asked if I would hop on all the roads, all the travel, all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, the surgeries, the metal rods in my teeth, if you asked me if I'd do it all again, in a heartbeat. So thank you. Thank you very much."

Wow. Edge puts down the microphone and concludes the final chapter in a monumental in-ring career. The guy who was the "Will he ever break into the main event scene?" guy back when I started watching wrestling more than casually, and the guy whose book was the first wrestling book I ever read, and the guy who managed to make all the hopes that every single fan of his come true walks back out of the arena for a final time. From this guy who was an Edge mark before I was an Angrymark or even knew what mark meant, thank you for 13 years of adrenaline, Edge.

After a commercial break, Edge gets a proper sendoff from the entire WWE Roster who break kayfabe and applaud him in unison.

The Miz makes his way out next and joins the commentary team.

Main Event: #1 Contender's Five-Man Gauntlet Match: Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. R-Truth

Fall One: Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler

Lockup, Ziggler with a fireman's carry, Orton with an uppercut for two, Ziggler with a dropkick to the knee, fame-ass-er, punches, cover for one, goes for a sleeper, locks it in, Orton fading, flips out of the hold, clotheslines, snap scoopslam, rope assist DDT, Nexus interferes, Ziggler with a rollup for three!

Ziggler Advances

The new Nexus, sans CM Punk and apparently Husky Harris too, attack Orton following the fall, ending with a powerbomb from Mason Ryan. Commercial.

Fall Two: Dolph Ziggler vs. R-Truth

Ziggler with punches in the corner, then in the other corner, whip, Truth sells hard, Ziggler covers for two, elbow to the back of the head, elbow drop for two, armbar twisting the head, transfers to a sleeper, Truth elbows out, covers for one, back suplex for two, chinlock, whip to the corner, misses a splash, Truth with a punch, kicks, exploder suplex, cover for two, neckbreaker, cover for two, Truth with a... Zig Zag? Covers for three, whatever the fuck it was.

Truth Advances

Fall Three: John Morrison vs. R-Truth

Commercial. Truth with a boot, punch, whip, reversed, Truth with a sunset flip for two, trading rollups for two until a mutual break, handshake, Morrison with a rollup for two, Truth with a shot, Morrison with a whip, flapjack, cover for two, chinlock, Truth elbows out, Morrison with a leg sweep for two, Truth with a jaw breaker, Morrison clotheslines him out of the ring, slides out, double clothesline, referee counts, both men in at 9, Truth with a clothesline, boots, off the ropes, Morrison with a clothesline, then another, heel kick for two, whip reversed into a cutter suplex for two, whip, Morrison hangs on, hits an elbow, Flash Kick, goes up top, misses Starship Pain, Truth hits whatever the hell that was he won the last fall with for three.

Truth again advances

Final Fall: R-Truth vs. John Cena

Truth is fucking winded. Commercial. Back on, Cena hits a gutwrench suplex for two, dropkick for two, fisherman suplex for two, back suplex for two, body slam for two, Cena stares at him quizzically, Cena hits a snap suplex for two, top rope leg drop for two, I think I see where this is going. Truth with a punch and both men collapse, Truth with dual clotheslines, hip toss, Lie Detector for two, goes for whatever that move was, Cena blocks, shoulder blocks, protoplex, You Can't See Me directed at The Miz, 5-knuckle shuffle, goes for the FU, Miz and Alex Riley attack both men.

Winner: No Contest

Miz: "Well, it looks like there's a double-disqualification which means both of you are losers. Which means both of you can go to the end of the line, because there is no number one contender."

BING!

Lawler/GM: "Well, the anonymous Raw General Manager says, you're right, Miz, there is no number one contender for the WWE Title. It says that's because there are now two number one contenders. He says the WWE Championship Match at Extreme Rules will be a triple-threat match between The Miz, R-Truth and John Cena!"

Truth and Cena attack the champ at this revelation, Cena dropping Alex Riley with an FU. Both men shake hands, then share slaps on the back of increasing pressure until Cena shoves Truth. Truth leaves to his own music as the show goes off the air.

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