Ian Clark's Raw Recap

Match One: There Must Be A Winner (No Disqualification?): CM Punk vs. John Cena

Lockup, Cena backs Punk into a corner, break, Punk charges, Cena with punches, whip, Cena misses a spear in the corner, hits ring post, lands outside. Punk with a clothesline from the apron. The match goes to commercial with Punk standing tall, looking to the crowd with disdain.

Back on, both men in the ring, Punk with kicks to a kneeling Cena, covers for two. Punk with a suplex, cover for two, keylock, arm drag, charges, Punk with a boot, cover for two, chinlock with the grapevine, Cena breaks the chinlock, slowly breaks the grapevine, goes for the STF, Punk to the ropes, kick, literally stands on Cena's head in the corner, has to break because Cena's in the ropes (does that make that a submission?), punch, kicks, Cena comes back with punches, whip, reversed, Cena ducks, shoulder tackles, protoplex, 5-knuckle shuffle, goes for the FU, Punk rolls out, heel kick for two, back to the grapevine chinlock, Cena to his feet without letting go, Punk rolls out, Cena hits a gutwrench suplex for two, Cole confirms the No DQ stipulation, Cena goes up top, Punk with a kick to the head, knee in the corner, Cena goes for the STF, Punk escapes, hits a nechbreaker for two, goes for the GTS, Cena counters into a rollup for two, Punk with kicks, covers for two, Punk goes up top, crossbody, Cena rolls through, gets up for the FU, Punk makes it to the ropes, Cena hits a shoulder, Punk falls, a Nexus Armband-clad arm hands him a chair, which he tosses in the ring, then a wrench, which he nails Cena in the head with. Punk hits the GTS back in the ring for three.

Winner: CM Punk

Michael Cole informs us that Jerry Lawler is not here because he's taking time off to grieve the death of his mother, but he will be at Elimination Chamber.

Autozone Slam of the Night is Alberto Del Rio blasting Edge with a guitar a few weeks ago. I don't even think I've ever seen an Autozone. Del Rio comes to the ring clad in a suit with his trademark scarf.

"My name... My name is Alberto Del Rio! But of course, you already know that! This Sunday, it makes no difference to me who wins the Smackdown Elimination Chamber, because just like it was my destiny to win the Royal Rumble, at Wrestlemania it is my destiny to be the World Heavyweight Champion!"

Edge is out, still holding his title if that ties up any loose ends.

"Alberto, que pasa? These past few weeks, I've been so busy on Smackdown beating Dolph Ziggler that I almost forgot that two weeks ago on Smackdown, you attacked me with a guitar. You come out and you talk about your destiny, I happen to have a destiny too. You wanna know what that destiny is? Do you?"

Edge takes Del Rio down, punches him, sets up for the Spear, Ricardo with the distraction, Edge punches him, Del Rio rolls out of the ring, Edge goes to pull him back in, gets a punch, spears Del Rio anyway on the apron. EXCUSE ME!

Vickie Guerrero: "Yes, this Sunday we will have a World Heavyweight Championship match, but first, I am here to introduce to you the new-- EXCUSE ME! I'm here to introduce to you the new World Heavyweight Champion, my boyfriend Dolph Ziggler!"

Guess it doesn't tie up any loose ends. They show a clip of the controversial ending to the Smackdown main event.

Guerrero: "Oh Edge, I have told you over and over again that if you use the spear, you would face the consequences. This Friday Night on Smackdown, we will have the official coronation of Dolph Ziggler as the new World Heavyweight Champion! Now Edge, you lose the world title this past Friday Night, and you are about to lose something else. Your job! Because I have proof that you are the one that assaulted Teddy Long!"

Vickie laughs maniacally before they hype the Divas Title match which is next. Another 2/21/11 promo airs, this time showing the lower half of Undertaker's face but going no further. Well at least I think it's Undertaker. Technically it could be HHH or even Shawn Michaels by the look of it, although I'm 99% sure it's not HBK. Either way it's either Undertaker or a swerve. Anyway...

Match Two: Divas Championship: Lumberjill Match: Eve Torres (c) vs. Natalya

Handshake, lockpu, Natalya with a snapmare, Eve escapes with a head scissors, same thing roles reversed, double dropkick, Natalya with a monkey flip for two, another cover for two, Eve with an arm drag, whip, Natalya with a trip, surfboard stretch, Eve breaks free into a rollup for two, Natalya with a side headlock, Eve punches her way out, Eve leapfrogs, elbow, standing senton, cover for one, Natalya with a discus clothesline, Eve tosses Natallya out, huge brawl between the Divas, Eve dives on the heel contingent, rolls back in, whip, both women crack heads, Natalya with an Oklahoma Roll, reversed into a cover by Eve for three.

Winner: Eve Torres

Both women shake hands after a match I'm going to officially declare Eve's coming out party.

They air a Did You Know about Raw being live in a number of countries, which includes Canada. What? A trailer airs for The Chaperone, which makes it look like a different movie from last week. Aside from the stupid pop-punk soundtrack, this movie actually doesn't look that bad.

Match Three: Mark Henry vs. Someone or other

Sheamus attacks Mark Henry from behind on the ramp and hits a bicycle kick. Sheamus grabs a mic.

"To every fella in the Elimination Chamber, that was a reminder of what I'm capable of, but if you want another, just watch what I do to Randy Orton tonight!"

Sheamus hits another kick.

Official Result: No contest

WWE Rewind is Miz and Dibiase vs. Lawler and Danielson from last week.
Match Four/Three: US Champion Bryan Danielson vs. WWE Champion The Miz (non-title all around)

Lockup, Miz with a side headlock, whip, Miz with a shoulder block, lockup again, Bryan with an arm drag, another, ahammerlock, Mis out with an elbow, Bryan with a dropkick, another, whip, reversed, Bryan with a boot, Miz returns the favour, stomp, knee to the back, wrenches the face, recliner, chinlock, Bryan with an elbow, chinlock with a body scissors, Miz frantically makes it to the ropes, Bryan with kicks, Miz with a punch for two, elbow to the neck, chinlock, Bryan out with elbows, punches, Miz with punches, trading punches, whip, Miz reverses, Bryan with a flying forearm, dropkick in the corner for two, Miz begs off a punch, gets a cheap shot in, Danielson launches him out of the ring, goes for a baseball slide, Miz dodges, Bryan stops and hits a flying knee instead. Back in the ring, Bryan hits a missile dropkick for two. Miz with a jawbreaker, Bryan goes for the LaBell Lock, rope break. Miz with a knee in the apron, neckbreaker all the way through the ropes, commercial.

Back on, Miz is setting Bryan up in the corner, punches, goes for a superplex, Danielson reverses into a sunset flip for two. Kicks to the chest, Miz ducks one and rolls Bryan up for two, another rollup for two, backbreaker, goes for the combo, Danielson reverses into a German, hits a more than audible buzzsaw kick for two, goes for the LaBell Lock, Miz backs his way out, Danielson goes for a back cracker, Miz tosses him off, hits a Skull-Crushing Finale for three.

Winner: WWE Champion The Miz

Miz grabs a mic. "Did you all see what I did to the United States Champion Daniel Bryan, you all saw what I did, but there's one person who didn't see. Jerry 'The King' Lawler. And we all know Jerry's unfortunately not here tonight because his mother passed away. So I'd like to take this moment to offer my sincere condolences. However, I hope Jerry doesn't use this as an excuse as to why he loses at the Elimination Chamber Pay Per View, because if I want him to hear one thing and one thing only, it's that I will still be WWE Champion because I'm the Miz, and I'm... AWESOME!"

Match Five/Four: The Nexus (David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty) vs. John Morrison and R-Truth
Okay, so absolutely everything in my preview is wrong. I had a source for that, I promise. Hennig and Truth to start, Coel acknowledges that the match was changed, Hennig with a whip, dropkick, Truth with one of his own, armbar, Hennig pushes Truth into the ropes, punch, whip, Truth with an armdrag, Mason Ryan with a distraction, Hennig tosses Truth to the outside, Ryan blasts him in the gut with a kick, Hennig throws Truth into the apron, tosses him back in the ring for two, Otunga in, Hennig with an assisted clothesline, Otunga with a clothesline, snapmare for two, chinlock, Truth elbows out, hits a back suplex, Morrison in, Otunga with a boot, Morrison with a takedown, punches, spinebuster, kicks, punches to Hennig, tosses him in, kicks, more punches, mounted punches, more boots, stomps, referee forces a break, Morrison boots Mason Ryan in the head, Truth with an assisted suicide dive to Ryan, Morrison knees McGillicutty in the head for three.

Winners: John Morrison and R-Truth

Mason Ryan attacks Morrison after the match, Truth and Morrison take him out.

In the ring following a commercial is Ariel Winter, star of The Chaperone and also the extremely talented young actress who plays the youngest girl on Modern Family. She introduces the Great Khali for a special Valentine's Day Kiss Cam. There are a few shots from the crowd, Santino and Tamina, Vickie and Dolph, more crowd, Dibiase and Maryse... nope, Maryse and Yoshi Tatsu. Regal jokingly kisses a disgusted Zack Ryder, another audience shot, Hornswoggle propositions Ariel Winder for a kiss. I don't care how short he is, that still makes him a pedophile...

Apparently the fine people on Wikipedia agree with me, the entry for Ariel Winter: "On the February 14 edition of Monday Night Raw, she was the victim of a sexual assault, when she was seduced by Hornswoggle, a dude who is almost 30. Chris Hansen says, "Why don't you have a seat over there, Hornswoggle?""

The fact that they've left that up for at least ten minutes almost makes up for the debacle involved in deleting the page for The Corre, but Stevie J's already commented on that better than I ever could.

The same 2/21/11 trailer airs before the main event (at least match-wise) begins.
Main Event: Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

Lockup, Orton gets the top position, break, Sheamus with punches, whip, reversed, Sheamus with a Thesz press, punches, stomps, Sheamus takes him down, mounted punches, whip, reversed into an Orton Backbreaker, drops a knee, Sheamus trips him in the corner, clothesline, cover for two, stomps on Orton's throat until there's a break, chokes him in the corner, punches him in the chest in the ropes, knee to the head, diving shoulder block for two, armbar, Orton punches his way out, headbutt, more punches, whip, Sheamus with a boot, Orton with a clothesline, then another, snap scoopslam, whip, reversed, Orton with a boot, Sheamus hits an Irish Curse Backbreaker for two, punch, sets up for the superplex, hits it, Orton hits an RKO! Three-count mostly a formality.

Winner: Randy Orton

Nexus beats down Orton immediately following the match, John Morrison comes in for backup, followed by R-Truth, then finally John Cena as Orton hits an RKO on Otunga, then McGillicutty, punches Mason Ryan who is then clotheslined out of the ring. CM Punk tries to hit Orton with the GTS, Cena pulls Orton off and gives Punk an FU. Orton and Cena celebrate in the ring as Morrison and Truth apparently fucked off.

A limo pulls up outside, ostensibly containing the guest host. A pair of high-heel-clad feet emerge from the limo.

Justin Roberts introduces the host as simply "The Host". A faux-electrical surge overtakes the arena, all the lights go out. A wave of electricity dances up the Titantron.

THE ROCK'S THEME HITS! The rumours are true. The Great One makes a triumphant march to the ring to a slightly re-tooled theme and an indescribable and consistent ovation.

"After seven long years... finally... finally! Finally the Rock has come back to Anaheim! Which means finally, The Rock has come back to Monday Night Raw, which means finally, the Rock has come back... home. Now before the Rock gets into that, before we electrify, before we turn this out, for those of you who don't know, the Rock has many nicknames, The Great One, The Most Electrifying Man in all of Entertainment, The People's Champion. But I wanna tell you something that's important to me right now, I need to tell you something as Dwane. It's been a long time since I've been back, but I wanna take this moment to tell you why I'm back. It's not because of the money, it's not to promote a movie, I am back in the middle of this ring because of you. When I left the WWE seven years ago, I dreamed big and you dreamed big with me and you helped me accomplish my goals because you never left my side. And I wanna take this moment to tell you all here, because you're all live, millions watching around the world, I wanna tell you thank you, I love you, and it is because of you that I am back in this ring and it is because of you that I give you my word, I am never, ever going away. Simply put, ladies and gentlemen, the Rock is back! And I came back because I wanted to do something unprecedented, I wanted to host Wrestlemania, so I called Vince McMahon, he said 'Rock, I know why you're calling, Rock, I know you know I need a host for Wrestlemania, and I know there's only one man electrifying enough in the world, that man can only be Justin Bieber.' But I told Vince, no, the Rock knows Justin, he's cool, but make no mistake, there is only one man capable enough to host Wrestlemanie, that man is the Jabroni Eating, Pie-eating, take your foot off the brake and onto the gas, always ready to kick some ass, The Rock! The Rock is going to Wrestlemania, the Rock will host Wrestlemania, and at the drop of a dime, The Rock will lay the Smackdown at Wrestlemania! But to whom, that's the question. Could it be the WWE Champion, The Miz? He goes around saying I'm the Miz and I'm awesome, well the Rock is no scientist, but there's a formula I know and that's if you go around telling people how awesome you are it means you 100% completely suck! But there's one more man who The Rock wants to see, there's one more man who The Rock is gonna see, and that man..."

BING!

"Michael Cole, if you take one more step toward that computer, The Rock will slap the taste so far out of your mouth you will never get it back. You think The Rock is just gonna let you walk over to that computer and interrupt him when he is live on Raw? Is that what you think? You think any of us give a damn what your general manager has to say? Michael Cole, is that what you think?"

"I'll tell you what I think--"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! Now what you do is sit your ass down, don't say another word, know your damn role and shut your damn mouth. Because if you don't, The Rock will have some pretty great pictures to put on his Facebook tonight. if Michael Cole doesn't do what I say, you'll get a pretty nice picture of the Rock stepping out of the ring, walking over to that computer, some of you may know where I'm going with this. The picture will be the Rock, shining it up real nice, turning that sumbitch sideways and sticking it straight up Michael Cole's candy ass! You look like a drunk hobbit, sit your ass down. There is one man who The Rock is gonna see. There is one man who the Rock has to see face to face. A man who I met, a man who I thought was a cool guy, wished him the best, happy for all his success, but when I came back in, out of the blue, eventually, he starts talking trash about The Rock. I don't know why, and I don't care, but I'm back now. You might've heard of him, his name is John Cena. So let me get this straight. The WWE has gone from the powerful Austin 3:16 to the powerful and dominant If Ya Smell What the Rock is Cookin'... all the way to... You Can't See Me? What the hell are you doing, playing Peekaboo? A blindfolded Stevie Wonder in the basement can see your monkey ass. How do you think we can miss? You come out here with your bright-ass purple shirt, before that green, before that orange, looking like a big bright bowl of fruity pebbles! John Cena, The Rock will see you at Wrestlemania, just like The Rock will see The Miz at Wrestlemania, just like The Rock will see everyone at Wrestlemania, and just as sure as The Rock will turn this Wrestlemania into the most epic Wrestlemania of all time, and just as sure as anything can and will happen at Wrestlemania, and just as sure as John Cena comes out here every week looking like he just shot out of Barney the Dinosaur's anus, as just as sure as the Rock guaran-damn-tees, three things at Wrestlemania. The Rock guaran-damn-tees to prove to the world that he is the most electrifying man in all of entertainment, the Rock guaran-damn-tees at the drop of a dime, to layeth the Smackdown on all their candy asses, and the last thing and most important, the Rock, and the millions... no, that's not good enough, The Rock and the millions, Anaheim the world is watching, Anaheim, the millions... (and millions) will rock the world like no one else can, IF YA SMELL... WHAT THE ROCK... Is cookin'!"

The Rock poses with the fans as the show goes off the air, a truly memorable one.

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