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Ian Clark's Raw Recap

Match One: CM Punk vs. John Morrison

Both men skirt each other, Morrison with a front facelock, Morrison with punches in the corner, european uppercut, Punk slams Morrison's knee in the apron, chop blocks it in the corner, twists in until a break is forced, dropkick to the knee, mounted punches, Figure-Four drop, two-count, Haas of Pain-style submission, Morrison gets a rope break, punches, mounted punches, goes for the knee to the face, Punk gets a boot up, GTS, three.

Winner: CM Punk

Punk: "Randall! Randall Keith Orton, where you at? I'm right here in the middle of my ring, and I have decided to give my new Nexus the night off. I promise you, this is not a setup. People make decisions that affect other people's lives day in and day out. People here decided to buy a ticket to see me. September 7th, 2008, Randall, you decided to punt me in the skull. Rendering me unable to defend my world heavyweight championship. A few twists and turns aside and that leads us to right now and you have the most important decision of your life to make. See, the bright lights of Wrestlemania are not in your future. Just walk away. You don't deserve to be at Wrestlemania, and it's up to you to decide why. And it's either because you're too crippled to compete because I finished what you started, or Wrestlemania's not in your future because you care about your well being because I'm going to hurt you if you show up next week. Walk away, because if you don't, I will turn you upside down, I will pour you out--"

Randy Orton attacks CM Punk before going for the RKO. Punk escapes and leaves the ring, Nexus surrounding him. Orton calls every one of them out from in the ring but to no effect.

Did You Know This Did You Know Fact Is Less Interesting Than Another 2/21/11 Teaser?

Match Two: Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston

Kofi Kingston attacks Del Rio on the apron, Del Rio gets an advantage and tosses Kingston into the steps, then the apron, then kicks him into the ring post, then slams him into the barricade, pulls off Kingston's arm cast and slaps on the Cross Arm Breaker outside the ring. The referee pries Del Rio off of him before Del Rio attacks him from behind himself.

Match Never Started


The Miz makes his way to the ring. "Last week, you people embarassed yourselves. I watched grown men jump up and down weeping like little girls over another man. That man was The Rock. Now don't get me wrong, back in 1999 I remember sitting in my dad's living room watching the Rock electrify, watching him rip his opponents apart, so you can imagine my excitement when The Rock stood in the middle of the ring and said my name. I wondered what line he would say about me. Then he said it. The Miz undoubtably, 100%, completely sucks. Really? One of the greatest talkers in Sports Entertainment and all he can say is I suck? I've heard kindergarteners say worse than that. Do you people think I suck? Really? Well now I'm a little hurt. Let me check my tears in the reflection of my championship gold! You see, while The Rock is hosting Wrestlemania, I will be main-eventing, beating John Cena. And speaking of John Cena, he and the Rock are different in many ways but they have one thing in common: They're both cultural icons and you people love them for it. Well let me make one thing clear, I couldn't care less about what you people think of me. I don't care if you think I suck, you can chant 'Miz is awful', I'll take it one step further. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK BECAUSE I'M THE MIZ... AND I AM THE MOST MUST-SEE WWE CHAMPION IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COMPANY! Now can you see that? Because I unquestionably, 100% am... AWESOME!"


Cole/GM: "Enough about The Rock. I'll deal with him when I'm ready. However, the Rock and Sock connection was a formidable tag team. So tonight, the WWE Tag Team Titles will be defended against you, Miz, and your partner John Cena."

As a teaser for WWE All Stars, Abraham Lincoln fights George Washington before John Cena pins Washington. Every bit as stupid as it sounds, but funny as hell.

Match Three/Two: Gail Kim and Eve vs. The Bellas

Kim takes control, attack Bella 1 both in and outside the ring, whip, punch in the corner, Bella 2 pulls her off the apron, slams her head into the corner, back in the ring (guess it was Bella 1), goes for a leg drop, double tag, Eve with a dropkick, crossbody, cover for one, boot, another, clothesline, standing moonsault, Bella 1 breaks up the count, Bella 2 with a boot to Kim, referee distraction, Bella Twins switch for a rollup.

Winners: The Bella Twins


Raw comes back from the commercial with a 25-second countdown. At the end, the door finally rips open and The Undertaker stares up before appearing in person in the arena. As soon as Undertaker removes his hat... TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!

Holy shit! Triple H is out for the first time in 10 months staring down the Deadman. He makes a long entrance, posing in every turnbuckle, as 'Taker gets more and more irate. Both men stare each other down in the ring, neither motioning for a microphone, before Triple H looks up at the Wrestlemania banner. Undertaker joins him. Taker shakes his head, laughs, puts on his hat and starts to leave the ring before hesitating, drawing his hand across his throat and getting a crotch chop in return. The show fades to commercial. There it was. One of the greatest promos of the past few years and no words whatsoever.

Match Four/Three: Sheamus vs. Mark Henry

Sheamus with fists, Henry with a bearhug, tosses Sheamus out of the ring. Henry with a headbutt, tosses Sheamus back in the ring, Sheamus begs off in the ropes, kicks Henry in the knee, fists to the back, Henry goes for the WSS, Sheamus with a chop block, clothesline for two, boots, choke in the ropes, chops in the ropes, knee, diving shoulder block, cover for two, drops a kne, recliner, Henry stands up and slams Sheamus into the corner, clotheslines, headbutt, whip, Sheamus with a boot, Henry with a clothesline, misses a splash, Sheamus with a boot, removes a turnbockle pad, Henry splashes him into it, World's Strongest Slam, Henry gets it done!

Winner: Mark Henry

Yes, for the record, Mark Henry just pinned a man who's held the WWE Championship twice in the past year.

Backstage, Sheamus confronts Bryan Danielson before not actually doing anything about it.

It's time to unveil the next HOF Inductee. Jim Duggan! What can I say? 1st Rumble Winner, 20-year career, definitely deserves it more than Koko B. Ware. Actually, even if Ware wasn't apparently the new measuring stick, I'd argue Duggan deserves it.

Michael Cole steps into the ring for an interview with Jerry Lawler. Cole cuts a short promo, but nothing worth noting so I'm not going to bother covering it. Anyway, after a commercial break during which I'm not sure Michael Cole actually stops talking, the interview begins

Cole: "Jerry, I know it's been a rough 24 hours for you, so I'll get to the point. I wanna know what it was like to get ready for your WWE Championship match, knowing that you had a chance to go to Wrestlemania. Did you have butterflies, knowing that it was the biggest point of your career? Now did you feel going into that match."

Lawler doesn't speak.

"How did it feel last night when you realized that your dreams were going to be shattered? When you realized you were going to lose to the most must-see WWE Champion the awesome Miz? When you knew you weren't going to Wrestlemania? How did you feel? Did you think, hey, maybe it's time I retire? Maybe Michael Cole's right? Maybe it's the time that I hang up my boots for good! Did you think that at all after you lost."


"When you were in this ring last night, and you were lying on your back and the Miz was on top of you and the ref counted one two three, and you were staring through that roof and you were staring into the heavens and you realized that your deceased mother, no disrespect, but when you realized that your mother had the best seat in the house, when you realized that your dreams of Wrestlemania were over, how did you feel Jerry when you realized that you let your mother down?"

Lawler grabs Cole by the collar. "Michael Cole, if you ever mention my mother again, it'll be the last thing you ever say. Now I have sat out here for weeks while you called me an old man and you sang the praises of your thumbsucking friends, just remember, I've forgotten more about this game than you or they will ever know. Now you say I'll never compete at Wrestlemania? Well I think you're wrong. Because I've got a way in and I don't care if it gets me fired. Me vs. you. What do you say to that Cole, me vs. you, what do you say?"

"I-I-I'll tell you what I say, you're a senile old man, you'll never get me in the ring!"

"You wanna run your mouth like a tough guy every week, here's your chance to prove it. What about it, Cole? Are you gonna be a man? Or are you just a gutless yellow coward?"

Cole throws his drink at Lawler, who proceeds to chase him out of the arena. Lawler takes over on commentary.

Main Event: WWE Tag Team Championship: The Corre (c) vs. WWE Champion The Miz and John Cena

Heath Slater and Miz start. Lockup, Miz with a belly to back throw, Slater wrenches the arm, Miz reverses, arm drag, then a more proper arm drag, armbar, roll through, Miz with a hammerlock, Slater with a thumb to the eye, Miz with a clothesline, boot, cover for two, Slater with punches, Gabriel in, Miz with a trip, boot, punch, another, looks over at Cena, tag, Cena with a knee, whip, bulldog, two-count, whip, Gabriel with a boot, Cena with a clothesline, Fisherman suplex (actually a Fisherman this time), Miz in, boot, punches, whip in the corner, clothesline in the corner, Skull-Crushing Finale, Slater doesn't even try to break the count.

Winners and new WWE Tag Team Champions: John Cena and the Miz

Cena looks dejected asMiz holds his titles in the corner. Cena facetiously holds up his own title in celebration before the two celebrate jokingly.

Wade Barrett: "Hold everything. The Corre have decided that we want to invoke our rematch clause for the WWE Tag Team Titles, and what's more we want to invoke them right now."


Josh Matthews announces the GM says ring the bell.

Other Main Event: WWE Tag Team Championship: John Cena and WWE Champion The Miz (c) vs. The Corre

Miz takes control of Gabriel, double tag, Slater with a boot, punches, whip, Cena with a crossbody for two, Miz in, boot, Cena with a chip, Miz with a chop, whip, reversed, Miz with a boot, Ezekiel Jackson trips him, Slater capiralizes with punches, baseball slide, Gabriel with a boot, Gabriel tags in, sledge, two-count, punch, Miz with mixed strikes, Gabriel with a leg sweep for two, Slater in, slams Miz in the corner, two-count, knee choke in the ropes, Barrett gets a shot in, cover for two, knees to the back, Miz with punches, Slater with a neckbreaker for two, Gabriel in, boot to the face, boot to the back, choke in the ropes, boot, punch, another, Miz gets a boot in, Slater with another punch, Miz hits his trademark combination, Slater in, Miz doesn't quite get the tag as Slater attacks him from behind, body slam, splash for two, headlock, Miz with punches, tosses Slater off, goes for the tag, Slater drags him back to his own corner, Gabriel in, foot choke, Slater gets a shot in, Gabriel with a stomp, cover for two, chinlock, Miz forces him off, double tag, Cena with shoulder blocks, protoplex, You Can't See Me, Shuffle, goes for the FU, Miz hits a Skull-Crushing Finale on Cena, Slater covers.

Winners and New WWE Tag Team Champions: The Corre (Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel)

Miz poses with the WWE Championship as the show goes off the air.

1 comments: on "Ian Clark's Raw Recap"

Anonymous said...

miz messing up his lines in the start and won another championship for 10 mins, and michael cole running away and throwing water at the king... donnie is gonna have a field day with this stuff lol