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TNA = Total Nonstop Asshole

Impact starts with Eric Bischoff's announcement of The Band being stripped of the TNA Tag Titles due to Scott Hall…well, just being Scott Hall in public. Does that mean his You Tube show can be renamed You're Only Allowed One Call, Scott Hall? Anyhow, Bischoff also drops the term "Championship Committee", but he's only referring to himself, Dixie and the Hulkster, so let's not get carried away with the terminology.

We have ourselves a Tag Title tournament starting this week. The winner will face the Motor City Machine Guns at Victory Road to crown new champs.

The first match features what's left of The Band, Nash and Young versus Ink Inc. Eric Young is working the lion's share and looking good in the ring. Kevin Nash was such a non-factor in this match that it almost seems like we're setting up for ANOTHER double cross somewhere down the line. The Mohawks win with their opportunity to advance in the tourney.

Man, you gotta feel for Nash and Young. One has size and charisma and the other has enough in-ring talent to carry most people to a good, if not great match. If anyone in TNA's "Committee" are reading this, I suggest you intervene and repackage the two of them. Young as the workhorse singles guy and Nash as his "Diesel" but this time also as the mouthpiece and enforcer. It'll work…book it.

Flair and his new stable of Horsemen walk in before the commercial and Flair teases a new announcement. Let's hope my allusion is foreshadowing something.

Back from commercial, and I am correct! It's the reforming of the Horsemen as "Fortune" and he runs down AJ, Kaz, Beer Money and Wolfe as he name drops the original members. Wolfe is singled out as the "Lex Luger" because he thinks he's some big time player, but he was never nothin'.

While Flair calls Jay Lethal a pissant Lethal comes out and addresses the new group in his own Flair-ness and it becomes a Flair-off and a Woo-a-thon complete with shoe throwing. They both seem to be smirking through the promos and for good reason…it's fucking gold!

Desmond Wolfe makes a challenge to Lethal, and Flair says that Wolfe must win or he's gone. This angle has a lot of the necessary ingredients for greatness: entertaining promos, good matches and the pushing of the right talent. Good job, TNA…don't fuck it up.

Recently returning recent O Show roundtable guest Hernandez is out to face Samoa Joe. This is backward booking, and unless it's a schmoz finish it only serves to block one of them from advancing. Well that didn't take long as Matt Morgan low blows Super Mex and Joe picks up the win on a modified T-Bone suplex. The two chase Morgan off and show mutual respect. Again, Face v. Face is one thing, but two monster faces facing off is just plain stupid and made Morgan's interference all too predictable.

Douglas Williams is in the ring with the mic, talking about his new vision of the X Division which is based on the ground & pound technical style. He then faces Max Buck of Generation Me to further his point. It's an interesting pairing for Williams' suplex-heavy work in a fast forward X-Division style and it's cool that his finishing move is a back to basics Tornado DDT. After the match, Williams continues the beatdown, opening things up for Brian Kendrick to come out and apply a Cobra Clutch to which Williams taps like Gregory Hines. Crowd is chanting for Kendrick and it's about fucking time he got a little bit over.

Angelina Love and Lacey Von Erich (fresh from her massage) start their match. In the "Who Gives a Fuck" column, Lacey is wearing new ring gear. Basically a quick DQ squash with Love using a chair-assisted DDT.

Next segment is one of those short and ever present film clips with a through the doorway candid approach showing Hogan talking to and putting over Jay Lethal. These "behind the product" film segments (when used properly) are an amazing tool adding a lot to the product. Hogan was talking to Lethal and also indirectly to the audience delivering a message without whacking them on the head with it, like WWE does on the reg.

The second Tag Title tournament match is on and Team 3D argues with each other to the ring. Before this match even goes on, TNA is telling me that the dissension in the ranks will be their undoing against Beer Money. At the announce position is Ink Inc. who's presence draws the ire of Brother Ray and leaves Devon to eat the pin.

Wolfe versus Lethal is next and Tommy Dreamer is walking through the crowd in the Impact Zone. Desmond Wolfe is occupied with Chelsea, and this leads to Lethal getting the win. Wolfe attacks Jay post-match, and Flair comes down to deliver some chops and a low blow. Hogan's music starts and in he walks in to show them the door and raise the victor's hand. Right after he kicks out Flair, he calls him back out so he can make a "huge announcement". At Victory Road, it'll be Lethal against Flair to complete this big push.

OK, since TNA was gracious enough to list their Top 10 Contenders, here they are:

1, 2, 3. Anderson, Abyss &/or Hardy
4. AJ Styles
5. Sting
6. Samoa Joe
7. Jay Lethal
8. The Pope
9. Desmond Wolfe
10. Kurt Angle

Jarrett calls out Sting who's not in make up and actually removes his shades. Jarrett calls him Steve while dispatching some "real talk" Dr. Phil style. Double J does a cheerleading spot, leading to the TNA mark chant, and then tells him they have a rematch next week. He then puts over Hogan & Bischoff's commitment to TNA and says he'll be fightin' for them and for the TNA fans. Steve is silent. Yeesh.

Main Event determining the Top 3 contenders and their pecking order is up next. It's Face vs. Face vs. Face here which is tricky booking to be sure. The title of this week's episode is "Anderson's Agenda" and they've been teasing all night and through the match as to whether the bond of the "Enigmatic Assholes" transcends the ambitions of the number one spot. Referee Earl Hebner calls a triple count out (what?), the bell rings and Abyss chases Hebner away.

Abyss goes full on psycho heel and the weapons come out. He dumps a bag full of broken glass onto the mat and Black Hole Slams Anderson onto the shards. He then choke slams Hardy off of the stage and that brings Hogan out to confront Abyss. We go off air with Abyss pointing "YOU!" to the Hulkster.

With the Main Event picture being Face-heavy, Abyss was the only logical turn here. It's kind of a shame since he got such a monster push in the last few months, but you can't argue with it too much. If you look at the Top 10 and included Abyss in the good guy column, that made for 7 of them.

The problem here was in the execution, which was half good and half terrible. The good included the misleading title of the episode of Impact, "Anderson's Agenda" and the supporting vignettes through the show, Abyss foreshadowing it to Chelsea saying, "you're not going to want to be associated with me later" and then the decent job Anderson did of keeping the tease storyline alive in the match. The terrible included the decision to do a triple countout in a match that traditionally MUST have a winner to be valid.

Keeping true to form, TNA Impact is a show rife with nice surprises coupled with contrived and predictable elements. They seem to feel the need to insert the latter in order to, as Jay Z puts it, "dumb down for my audience, double my dollars", but I don't think it's needed in the least. In fact, it takes away from the good things they're putting out there. Considering the Fed's need to force feed me and talk to me like I'm 7 years old, Impact is my once-a-week opportunity to be spoken to like I'm 17 and make me giggle every time they say "asshole" on the air…while the Fed can't even say "ass".

2 comments: on "TNA = Total Nonstop Asshole"

Anonymous said...

The Flair-Off makes me smile,every time i think about it! That Shit was Must See Tv!!!! TNA actually has my full attention now.

Anonymous said...

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