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TNA = Thursday's Not Available

The lights are low and...what the fuck is Toby Keith doing in the ring strumming a poorly syncopated Mexican tune? "I put it together in '92 when I was running with the bulls in Pamplona," says Uncle Eric. I shit on this a thousand times, but I have to say, it's something different.

It's poorly thought out, badly executed, hokey and a major time sucker, but it's definitely an alternative. In fact, THIS was the opening of the show; think about what possible new viewers of the product would be thinking when they tuned into Spike TV at this moment.

The new regime's credo this week seemed to be, "Let's make the smart marks happy." The amount of tongue in cheek references to their "competition", and the open usage of industry terms on the air like gimmick, over, and the referee doing the "X" for Hernandez getting "injured" were indicative that TNA is the place for pro wrestling's hipsters to hang out and make fun of of the bubblegum pop kids up north.

Not to haze over the opening segment, but it was a lead in to Bischoff getting smashed with the guitar after daring and yes, Double Dog daring Double J to hit him. It was a nice hit and they got a few good replays out of it, but it took until well after the first commercial break to conclude. The result of all of this was a setup later in the night for a "Loser is Fired, Winner is Eric's Bitch" stip match between Jarrett and Foley. Dudes, if I may interject for a moment...ahem...YOU COULD HAVE JUST STARTED THE NIGHT WITH THE MATCH INSTEAD OF WASTING 15 MINUTES ON TELEVISION SETTING IT UP. Alright, I got it off my chest. Moving on...

Dante Ross posted an article today lamenting the loss of Awesome Kong in TNA, and used tonight's 8 Knockout Tag match to illustrate his disappointment. Aside from Daffney getting to showcase her Lobotomy Neck Breaker and get the pin, this was essentially a light offering bordering on Diva Country. Well, Tara grabbing Lacey Von Erich's booby in a Widow's Peak was a bit further from there, but otherwise it was pretty vanilla.

Ric Flair really has to stop upstaging AJ Styles. AJ limps out of the van with a crutch; Flair comes down on the handicap ramp. He had such a fucked up Michael J. Fox head twitch going on when he was wheeled out to the ring; I laughed so much that I forgot that AJ was even with him. And Styles is trying to be the focal point, but it's like watching Bono in the booth with Sinatra.

Hogan and Abyss come out and the big announcement is the Lethal Lockdown Main Event with Abyss at the helm of Team Hogan. Sting is announced as Team Flair's Captain, which leads to a lights off/lights on spot where the Hulkster is cuffed to the ring ropes and then he and Abyss are worked over. The Pope comes in to make the save and the faces prevail this time.

Rob Terry has a mercifully short Global Championship title defense squash against Tomko. Britista got the pinfall and there was much rejoicing...seriously, Terry, Tomko and the Title are the very definition of dead weight.

(It should be noted that before the Jarrett/Foley match, Mike Tenay did mention "this is the only time that you will be able to see Impact this week on Spike TV". There you go, Big Daddy Donnie. Another one in the win column for you.)

Foley jobbed and walked out, which probably made the most sense, but just like Bischoff said during commentary, it didn't make a difference anyway. Nice touch on the "Future Endeavors" reference too, Eric.

Speaking of nice touch, Foley's exit from the arena, was capped off by punching Bubba the Contraceptive Sponge in the shnozz and saying one final(?) "BANG BANG" to the camera. This bandwagon's already past legal capacity, but get that turd off the air. Every second he's on camera is wasted time and money.

I'm not sure why they did the Hernandez injury spot; probably to create interest in a payoff match at Lockdown and allow for a build. Tenay and Taz tried to put it over with a bunch of awkward pauses that looked like neither one of them wanted to admit that they farted.

Let's not forget the high watermark of the week, which was the tag match between Beer Money and the team of RVD & Jeff Hardy. In the backstage interview before the match, RVD threw in a TNA Universe reference along with his old-is-new-again catchphrase Mr. Monday Night and (thankfully) did most of the talking as Jeff applied his face paint.

The match was really good. In fact it was the first good and lengthy match on TNA Impact in a few weeks where there were no run ins. Van Dam had the old TNA Asylum Era logo on his singlet, which was a pretty cool throwback. Hardy seems comfortable being himself in and out of the ring in TNA; let's hope his legal issues will subside and he can really make on their ratings.

Eric Young came out at the end and announced the three of them would take on the newly reformed "Band" next week in six man tag action. Nice to see EY was not buried in the storyline turn that emanated from the Destination X PPV and instead will be able to stand shoulder to shoulder with two of the most over guys in the business right now.

It seems that coming off of a PPV where a lot of workers were put to their limit did a service to the TV product, where more time was given to the occasional wrestling match here and there. The issue here is what the fuck will happen next week when most of the people absent from this week will return -- namely Kurt Angle, Anderson, The whole X Division, Wolfe, etc. For a company with so much talent at their fingertips, they still seem to waste a lot of their segments on set ups, "major announcements", run ins and beat downs. The best match this week was the last one and although it appeared to be thrown together, it was well-executed and entertaining, making all 4 men involved look good from bell to bell.

If you want to wink at the smarks, show them more wrestling matches, make them laugh once in a while and don't ever let Eric Bischoff "play the guitar" on TV ever again.

6 comments: on "TNA = Thursday's Not Available"

Anonymous said...

I really have only one thing to say about Impact...UGH...ok, thats a lie I have a bit more to say.....What???? This is seriously WCW ALLHEFUCKOVERAGAIN. We dont get a match until a half hour into the show...there was more interiews, announcements, run ins and beat downs then there was actual matches. Guys appearing out of no where, guys handcuffed to the ropes, Eazy E making stipulation matches...etc etc etc...just wow. I was really interested in TNA even after Jan 4th but lately they cant seem to keep me watching. It was guys like Styles, Joe, Wolfe, Denerio, Abyss, Beer Money, Daniels, etc who really got me inot the product. And vets like Nash, Foley, Jarret, Angle, etc playing more of a "back seat" role(mayce with the excpetion of Angle). Now it seemes that tha afore mentioned "younger guys" and getting squashed and humiliated by the vets(save for Styles and Pope and Abyss once and a while). It seemed to me that every time I tuned in from Raw they were either at a commercial, going to a commercial, or some stupid pointless segment was on. If TNA isnt carefull tis will not only be the end of the Monday Night Wars Pt II but the end of TNA.


BigDaddy said...

I'm gonna call it like I see it ... TNA had me interested this week and Raw had me bored.

Anonymous said...

If Eric Young was in the back talking to Hogan, why did he have to come to the ring through the crowd? And after the announcement for the match for next week, why was Young raising Hardy's and Van dam's arms in the air for so long? Lacey Von Erich might move slower in the ring than Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan. -Fan In Van.

Anonymous said...

Can we stop with all the negative tna articles?

Christopher Casúr said...

Next week, it will be revealed that Awesome Kong disguised herself as Mick Foley for last night's episode of "iMPACT!"

Anonymous said...

I agree with Big Daddy Donnie. It's not like TNA was all that good, but at least I didn't know what was going to happen, as opposed to RAW, which is all style and no substance. WWE has become way too comfortable and they're phoning it in.

Having said that, two questions leap to mind as I watch TNA. Am I the only one that thinks Shannon Moore looks like a chubby preteen girl dressed up like a punk rocker for Halloween? And who is the father of Tomko's baby?

Big Poppa Punk