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Tha Raw Report

Courtesy of's Ian Clark.

Raw opens immediately with the Nickelback theme and pyro show. After the usual "Here's what's coming up", Shawn Michaels' music hits, and the Heartbreak Kid walks to the ring while they show a video package of Elimination Chamber and Undertaker accepting Shawn Michaels' challenge. Michaels with a mic.

"There is a buzz around the WWE locker room, and after last week everyone thinks I'm crazy for putting my career on the line with Undertaker at WrestleMania. As I walk the halls of the WWE locker room, I see the faces of my peers.

I look them in the eye, and all they can do is walk away. I walk into a room and they're in the corner, whispering, and when I look at them, they look away. Not a one of them believes in me. Not one of them belives that I can defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania.

Now I recognize that the streak is 17-0, but I also recognize that no one has given Undertaker the run for his money that I have, and I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know for sure that every man, every woman and every child on Earth knows that I am Mr. WrestleMania. And I believe that I can end the streak. But for all of my peers who don't believe in me, I'm going to give you an opportunity. Whoever you may be, come out here, look me in the eye and tell me man to man that I can't win."

The first music to hit is none other than HHH. "You of all people? My friend for fifteen years. You don't believe in me?"

"No Shawn, no. I don't think you can beat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. I know you can. You know why I know that? Look me in the eye Shawn. I have wrestled everybody these past years. Anybody who is anybody I've looked at them from across the aisle, and I can honestly say you're the best. You wanna talk about these guys in the back, you wanna talk about walking around the locker room and your peers don't believe in you? The truth is in that locker room you have no peers. You are in a class of your own and you truly are Mr. WrestleMania.

Now Shawn, the road to WrestleMania always takes us down different paths, and I can say with 100% certainty that DX will never die, but it's going to be a long time before they see us in this ring together again, and I'd hate to have the last image they see of us to be losing to Miz and Show. That's why I've invoked our rematch clause. Tonight."

"I believe... (DX chant overtakes Shawn) I appreciate everything you've said and the opportunity for a tag team match but we're going down seperate paths and I--"

"Shawn, you're right. We're going down separate paths man, but it's not about tag team championships. As a matter of fact you don't even have to defend the championships for 30 days. But in 28 days it'll be after WrestleMania, and I say we come out here and throw a celebration only DX can throw, because you will be known as the man who ended the streak at WrestleMania.

It's got nothing to do with tag team championships, it's got to do with belief. Because I believe you will still be here after WrestleMania. I believe that you will end the Undertaker's streak. I believe your career will be alive and well because you will beat the Undertaker! Now Shawn, that's just what I believe. What do you believe?"

"I believe we've got some tag team titles to win tonight."

DX's music hits and both men pose in the ring before leaving together.

The camera cuts to Cheech and Chong who seem impressed before the Bella twins walk in, asking for tickets. Cheech and Chong agree, and clarify they're not really their characters. Chong sits down and Hornswoggle walks in as they share some lucky charms. While eating them, Chong spaces out with the munchies. Actually pretty funny for a Hornswoggle segment. Commercial.

Wait... if DX go their seperate ways after tonight, does that make the only member Hornswoggle?

Slam of the week is Legacy imploding last week.

Match One: Randy Orton vs. Ted Dibiase

Orton out first, Dibiase out second. No real face or heel reaction for either. Dibiase takes control early, Orton backs him into the turnbuckle, whip, Dibiase gets a boot in, Orton with a clothesline. Dibiase backs off into the corner and they lock up.

Dibiase wins getting Orton in the corner, no clean break to be had. Dibiase takes Orton to the top, Orton fights him off, Dibiase gets a dropkick and throws Orton to the outside, then goes to throw him into the post, ends up getting it himself. Orton uppercut and throws Dibiase into the ring. Dibiase bails and commercial. This is as good a time as any to mention you can follow me on Twitter at

Back from commercial Dibiase is stomping Orton in the corner and dropping knees and stomps. Takes Orton to the corner and goes for a foot choke, breaking at four. Now a neckbreaker and a kick to the face for two. Dibiase screams in frustration and locks in a headlock. Orton has taught him well. Orton powers out and goes for the ropes. Dibiase follows and hits a clothesline for two. Dibiase drags Orton up and they trade punches, Orton now getting the face pop. Dibiase with a whip, reversed, Orton with a scoopslam.

Orton stomps on... everything then coils up for the RKO. Cody Rhodes pops in for the distraction, Dibiase rolls Orton up for two, Orton reverses and Rhodes dives in for the DQ and double team. Orton fights back and takes both of them down. Dibiase exits after a dropkick, Rhodes after a backbreaker. Orton goes for the rope DDT and Dibiase pulls Rhodes out. Orton getting a huge face pop. Needless to say,

Winner by Disqualification: Randy Orton

The show returns from commercial with Bret Hart arriving. Chong is backstage still tweaked out of his mind feeling up... I have no idea who that is. Cheech comes in and claims he's on a "sugar trip" because he's diabetic. Cheech claims he's fine and Chong asks why he's feeling up William Regal. Apparently Diva-I-Can't-Recognize is a hallucination. Hornswoggle offers Cheech some cereal, and Cheech claims he's "allergic to marshmellows".

Now they're both high and there's another video package for Cena vs. Batista. Man, I was actually enjoying the stoned antics backstage before they pulled that "Erm... it's not weed-related we swear" shit. Now it just seems stupid. They should've left it unsaid.

WWE Rewind is Christian qualifying for Money in the Bank. This brings us to:

Match Two: Money in the Bank Qualifier: Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella

Did I just type "Match Two" 45-minutes in? Santino gets the early edge, Swagger blocks an armdrag and hits the gutwrench powerbomb. Three.
Winner: Jack Swagger

As much as I love Santino, that was the right thing to do. I'd love to see Santino get another push, it just has to start right. Backstage, Batista in his new "Dammit I'm a punk badass and I want everyone to know it" gear is walking to the ring. Commercial.

A commercial just aired for HBK vs. Undertaker, and they used Johnny Cash. Between that and Placebo, this rivalry might actually be the best-soundtracked feud ever.
Did you know Vince McMahon feels warm and fuzzy writing these? John Cena's music hits and he takes a mic.

"You know there's a few people who told me that at Elimination Chamber Batista stole the WWE Championship from me. That's not the way it happened. I've had some time to think about it, it was about business.

Batista aligned himself with Mr. McMahon, was given an opportunity and took it, business. The next night on Raw it became real personal. See Dave Batista ambushed me and continued to punish me until I couldn't even move. I don't get it. We've been in the WWE a long time, I've never had a problem with him, at times I even considered him a friend, I don't get it. Now he's got a problem with me.

You guys are like me, you see the silver lining and my silver lining is I'm going to WrestleMania. I've got a championship main event match. WrestleMania is four weeks away and after what happened last week I believe I need to pay Mr. Batista back and I think we should do that right now!"

Batista's music hits and out comes a barrage of security followed by the champ himself. He poses with the title and takes a mic himself on the ramp. Cena interrupts, "Hold on, am I seeing things? Batista the big bad animal rolls with security?"

"Oh, they're not here to protect me, they're here to protect you. See I don't have a problem coming down there and hurting you again, but these men are here to prevent that. Thank me any time."

"Well why don't I thank you right now? Or you can stand behind your security like a six-foot-six... three hundred pound pansy."

"You're funny, you amuse me. I'm going to ask you a question. You wanna know why I did what I did last week? It's real simple, because I want to face you at WrestleMania. So I lost. We both get what we want, everybody's happy. You're right, we did start out together.

Our rise to the top is practically identical. I'm proud to say we couldn't be more different. You and I are the biggest stars since the Attitude Era. We both won championships at WrestleMania 24 and never looked back. But for some reason this company has decided to label you the man. John Cena: The name and face of the WWE. Championships, magazine covers, commercials, movies. Somehow, the torch was passed from Stone Cold Steve Austin to you, when it should've been me.

I should be the name and face of the WWE, I'm the biggest star of this company. So I did what I did last week for two reasons: One is to beat the hell out of you at Wrestlemania and prove to everyone that I'm better than you. The second reason is plain and simple: I just can't stand you."

"That's all that this is about. Some fictional torch very few people talk about and nobody's seen? You better wise up because I will take that title at WrestleMania. Things did work out differently for us for one reason: I work my ass off for this company. I'm the first one here and the last one to leave. You? You're too cool to even show up on time.

Everyone in the WWE Universe knows I have given my life for this business, and you stand up there expecting the business to be given to you. Dave, you're all abot yourself, you need to look in the mirror. You're selfish, you always have been, always will be. That's real talk."

"You're right, I don't care about these people. I am here to win titles and make money, I don't care if they cheer me or boo me. So you keep on kissing babies and hugging fat girls, I'll be in a gym training for Wrestlemania. I mean, it's a fact that every time we're in the ring, bad things happen. To you. It wasn't too long ago that I broke your neck."

"You wanna know what I think?"

"I don't care what you think! You can come out here and get all these people all worked up, that's not what I do. You know what I do. I come out here, and I work, and I'm good at it. So you know what? Go ahead, bust out one of your fancy catchphrases. Say something inspiring. The whole WWE Universe wants to hear what John Cena has to say. You can't beat me John, and deep down, you know it."

Batista drops his mic and Cena looks dejected as Batista's music hits. That was definitely a shoot.
Trying to work out these formatting issues. Cheech and Chong are backstage with Chavo Guerrero. Also apparently Carlito and Primo, Katie Lea Burchill and Yoshi Tatsu. And a talking chicken who announces a WWE Diva's Pillow Fight. However, still next is

Match Three: Money in the Bank Qualifier: Zack Ryder vs. MVP

Ryder takes early control, MVP with an Aitch knee, and hits the Ballin' elbow. Gets a boot and the Playmaker for three.
Winner: MVP

Are they just afraid to have matches longer than a minute tonight? Something tells me the next match will take hours. Diva's Pillow Fight next.

Cheech and Chong hit the ring and act stoned. They're here to announce the participants in the pillow fight

Divas Pillow Fight: Gail Kim, Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse, Alicia Fox and Jillian

Match starts with everyone attacking Maryse with pillows, then Jillian clotheslining them all and beating them with pillows. Apparently every woman for herself. Kelly Kelly takes her out for two, Maryse covers her for two. Gail Kim hits a neckbreaker and Eve breaks the cover with a pillow. Alicia Fox with clotheslines, Gail Kim hits Eat Defeat. Eve tosses her out, hits a flipping stomp thing on Alicia Fox and gets the cover.

Winner: Eve Torres

Now Hornswoggle's out passing around cereal, which they all end up throwing all around. Now they're about to announce the next inductee into the HOF.

It's Maurice Vachon! Mad Dog's going to the Hall of Fame! Next is Bret Hart as I keep trying to work out these formatting issues.

Justin Roberts starts to introduce Bret Hart, but Vinnie Mac comes out instead. "Indeed, it is an honour to introduce a man who is going to make his final farewell comments. He is the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be, a man I have the utmost personal respect for, he is Bret "The Hitman" Hart."

Hart comes out, but before he can speak, there's another video package recapping the past couple weeks. I could really just not do anything one week and with the constant video packages no one would notice. I can't remember if I've made that comment before...

Vince: "Bret, before we begin, I'd like you to clear my name on your accident."

"I don't know if that's true or not, but what I do know is that since I've come back here you've treated me like a piece of garbage. If you're serious, get the hell out of my ring."

"Bret, last week you called me a world champion liar, and I figure if you're going to be a liar, might as well be a world champion liar. That's not why I called you here tonight."

"So then why? So you could slink back to the locker room screaming 'Bret screwed Bret' again?"

"No, that's not why. Bret, wasn't it you a few weeks ago who challenged me to a match at WrestleMania? You challenged me, right? I remember hearing those words, Bret!"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm currently a little incapacitated."

"Well I'll be. I don't think I noticed. Sure you've got a broken leg, but even a broken up fossil like you can heal in six weeks, can't you? Come on, you didn't come back to the WWE to make things right, did you? You came back for one reason. For years, it's been eating you every day. You wanted to get your hands on me."

"Fair enough, I've wanted to fight you for thirteen years."

"Then why not fight me? Come on Bret, WrestleMania. Come on, it's your dream. Don't you want your dreams to come true? Don't you remember who I am Bret? I screwed you in Montreal. I sent you down to Dubya-Cee-Dubya. I spat in your face, I lied to you about your dad going into the Hall of Fame. Isn't that enough motivation? Or, come on, if you're not going to do it for yourself, do it for your fans all over the world! You may not be 100%, but come on, you're a Canadian hero! You can't let everybody down! Would you people like to see Bret Hart in a match with me?"

"I know what you're trying to do. I can't wrestle. I've got a broken leg, idiot."

"Bret... I hate to hear those words. Your last name used to stand for something, but now you've got no heart. And you know who you are, who you've become? Bret Hart, you're a coward!"

Vince then kicks Hart's crutch out from his leg, then kicks his boot out of the ring. "Coward! There he is, coward Bret Hart!"

"You want a match at WrestleMania, you got it!"

Well I guess the match is on.

"Oh, and Bret, you may not be at 100%, but I am. So to show you my physical condition, I'm going to face possibly your biggest fan. Next week, I'm going one on one with John Cena."

Ottawa Sun columnist Tim Baines, Seth Drakin from the chatroom and I seem to all be in agreement where this is going, but I'm not going to divulge further.

Criss Angel will be the host next week, and Randy Orton will take on Legacy.


Unified Tag Title Match: Degeneration X vs. ShowMiz (c)

DX out first, champs out next. Looks like the match will start after a commercial.
HBK and Show start off, Michaels with chops, Show tosses him into the corner, HBK responds with chops. Whip, reversed, punch, Miz in takes control, boot to the face for two, Show in, double-team shots. Show taunts Michaels, then with a bearhug. Shawn fights out, goes for SCM, blocked, chokeslam reversed, HHH in takes control, whip reversed, HHH knee, spinebuster. Goes for the Pedigree, Miz comes in, takes a spinebuster, Show with the Chokeslam, Sweet Chin Music, both men down.

Miz and Michaels looking for the tag. Both get it, Michaels with shots, whip reverse, shoulder block, atomic drop, bodyslam, goes up top, hits the elbow, tuning up the band and Undertaker's face appears on the tron, causing the distraction. Staredown occurs, Miz gets a rollup for three.

Winners and still champions: ShowMiz

Michaels seethes in the ring, HHH looks reflective, walks over to his partner. He tries to console him, but Michaels flips out and leaves. Sheamus darts in and hits HHH with a clothesline, then one over the top rope. He then boots his head into the table. He stalks HHH as he attempts to make it to his feet, then he bicycle kicks him over the table. The final image of the night is Sheamus standing atop the table, staring down his new and motionless foe.

1 comments: on "Tha Raw Report"

Chef Lucky said...

I may live to regret this but....I POPPED FOR A BATISTA PROMO!!!!!!! I agree with BDD that Batty should never speak,but even though he flubbed a few lines,HE KILLED IT last night.I believe that the match will be total shit,and this will be the highlight of the feud,but i actually enjoyed the exchange.