Tha Raw Report

Live from Hershey, Pennsylvania, it’s a 3 hour special edition of RAW! In fact, it’s a RAW Thanksgiving with Guest Host Jesse “The Governor” Ventura.

Randy Orton starts things off, talking about Ventura saying Jesse has the power to lift his ban on fighting Cena for the title. Out comes Ventura who stops Randy dead in his tracks.

WOW Jesse, sure shakes it up as he announces the “Breakthrough Battle Royal” for the main event where the contestants are all wrestlers who have never been champion before. Whoever wins the Battle Royal is the new number one contender for their brand's world championship.

Way to go Ventura! That’s what I’m talking 'bout! Shaking shit up. Give us something new, not the same old matches. Ventura goes on to say that we will see matches that we have never seen before. Like Cena vs. Punk and DX vs. The Hart Dynasty. Awesome. Great start to RAW!

First match of the night is Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler.

It’s the first time these two superstars have faced each other and it proved to be agood match. Kofi gets the win via a Trouble in Paradise and Kofi Advances...

Superstars from RAW and SmackDown! will be telling us what their “thankful” for all night. The Jiz starts it off. I’d be thankful if I didn’t have to see The Miz anymore.

It’s the Battle of Ireland! Finlay vs. Shameus.

Shameus must be from the northern part of Ireland, he’s so pale. Shameus dominates Finlay which is a surprise. I thought Finley would have given Shameus a run for his money. Shameus shames Finlay and beats him down and gets the win. I like the Celtic Warrior. He likes to bring the pain. Shout out to Ireland and the Wee Tara on Eglinton Ave. where the Irish gather in Scarborough!

Jesse and Randy are in the back. Randy pleads his case. Same old Ventura, straight up every time.

CM Punk comes out, nice beard pal. He says he‘s thankful to be straight edge but what’s with the bags under the eyes buddy?

CM Punk vs. John Cena

Punk throws his t-shirt at Cena. Great, now we got two cornballs fighting each other. I don’t like Cena or Punk but it’s good to see them fight because it’s fresh. I’ll give Cena his props for what it is but he is still a Herb. That’s Herb for Herb Tarlick (WKRP in Cincinnati) which means a nerd or corny for all you not caught up.

Cena gives Punk a run for his money. Great elbow shots from Punk to JC. Of course, Johnny boy does his version of the Hulk and Rock turn it around special and puts Punk in a STF.

CM gets to the ropes and lands a kick to the head of Cena. Punk goes for the pin but John kicks out. They go back and forth and Cena lands the Attitude Adjustment off the top ropes to get the pinfall.

I gotta say, it’s great to hear Jesse “The Body” Ventura’s voice on wrestling again. Brings back memories.

Jesse and Vince in the back and guess what, Jesse puts Vince in his place and tells him that they are both going back to the announce table tonight! Classic!

Six Man Tag Team Match: Swagger, Masters and Guerrero take on R-Truth, MVP and Mark Henry.

Swagger’s killing me with those tights. Dude looks like such a dufus. The white boys take it to the worlds strongest tag team and Truth. Once Truth and Henry get in, it’s a different story. R-Truth gets the pin on Masters to advance his team. R-Truth you can’t rap, please stop. Pretty bad when John Cena is a better rapper
than you.

DX in the back and HHH asks Michaels about the super kicks from the previous night. It was classic when Shawn super kicked HHH of the top of the match. A midget interrupts to serve DX. Hornswoggle’s suing DX! Next Monday on RAW, Little People’s Court. Triple H says it’s short notice. DX don’t disappoint.

Primo vs Evan Bourne.

Randy Orton sneak attacks Primo on his way to the ring taking him out. Orton gets in the ring and tells the ref to ring the bell. Ventura interrupts and says he’s breaking his own rules. If Orton can beat Bourne, he’s in the Battle Royal.

Evan Bourne vs. Randy Orton.

Randy annihilates Bourne in minutes and Orton’s in the Battle Royal.

They show some classic Ventura – McMahon moments. Awesome.

Mayflower Melee Match: Kelly Kelly, Melina & Mickie James vs. Jillian Hall, Michelle McCool & Layla.

The Gobbledy Gooker makes his return as guest time keeper. We go back 19 years and see where he came from at Survivor Series.

The Pilgrims look unhappy in the ring before the Indians come out. The King Rules! Poka Hottie! Short match as McCool and Layla leave the match leaving Jillian to fend for herself and of course she gets pinned.

Maryse makes a comeback after taking of the turkey mask to beat down Melina in a post match interview with The King. Maryse is……………back!

DX vs. The Hart Dynasty.

I love all the second or third generation superstars we have nowadays. Orton, DiBiase, Rhodes, Kidd, Hart-Smith & Neidhart. The Hart Dynasty starts it off on top of their game bringing it to DX.

HHH tags in finally and turns it around schooling the new jacks. Sweet Chin Music followed by a Pedigree to Tyson Kidd and DX wins as Hunter pins Kidd.

Jericho interrupts post match and informs DX that Ventura made a match for TLC with DX facing Jeri-Show for the Tag Team belts. Michaels tells Chris that the match is a TLC match for the tag team straps.

Jericho makes a good point that DX has never been tag team champs. They probably won't be anytime soon since WWE wants to keep Jericho on RAW and SmackDown!

Batista comes out to talk and Kane interrupts him to test him. That’s what I’m talking 'bout let Dave fight someone his own size.

Cryme Tyme vs. Legacy.

I hate to say it but this looked like an easy win for Legacy. They advance to the Breakthrough Battle Royal.

Santino gets pie. Not the diva kind he was looking for but five cream pies to the face! Then he accidentally gives Vicki a cake to the face.

Breakthrough Battle Royal.

The Guest Announcers come out. The Body and Vince McMahon are back at it one more time!

We start things off and Orton lingers outside the ring. This is an 8 man Battle Royal - the smallest I’ve ever seen. Vince and Jesse still got it; finally Orton joins the match and goes in on Kofi.

R-Truth is out first followed by MVP and then Mark Henry eliminates Legacy followed by Shameus eliminating Henry.

Shameus finally gets some competition. Kofi almost gets eliminated by Orton but Kofi turns it around on Kingston and eliminates Kofi - but then Shameus takes out Kingston to win the Battle Royal. Shameus is the new number one contender for WWE Championship! WOW definitely the shock of the evening.

Who is this guy and where did he come from? Damn, I thought this was Randy’s way back in the title picture.

Championship Match Contract Signing.

No pops for Shameus. He’s undefeated and here he has a title match. That’s a lot faster than Goldberg!

Cena comes out to sign the contract and disses Shameus. Blah, blah, blah from Cena. Talking is apparently not Shameus’ strong point.

Ventura goes in talking about WWE Conspiracies and calls out what I think about Cena - that he’s Hogan of 2009 being kept as champ. Shameus kicks Cena in the head and throws him into the ring post followed by an Attitude Adjustment to Cena through the table. Jesse announces the title match will be a table match. Shameus stands with one foot on Cena holding the WWE belt overhead.

As I told Dan-eo, this was in my opinion the best RAW of 2009. Thank you Jesse Ventura!!

Next weeks Guest Host is “Mini Me” Verne Troyer. Look for Hornswoggle to run tings next week as I’ll bet it’s gonna be a midget fest!

I gotta say Rest In Peace to our musical brother Haydain Neale from Jacksoul who passed away last nigh after a bout with lung cancer. I had the pleasure of working with Haydain in the past and my condolences go out to his family. You will surely be missed Haydain.


Tha Results:

Kofi Kingston def. Dolph Ziggler
John Cena def. CM Punk
MVP, Mark Henry & R Truth def. Chavo Guerrero, Chris Masters and Jack Swagger
Randy Orton def. Evan Bourne
Kelly Kelly, Melina & Mickey James def. Jillian Hall, Michelle McCool & Layla
DX def. The Hart Dynasty
Legacy def. Cryme Tyme
Shameus wins the Breakthrough Battle Royal

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