UFC 96: Rampage Wins!

UFC 96 IS ON THE AIR!! We're getting the opening music and hype from Jardine and Rampage right now. Jackson: "I'm trying to put him to sleep." IT'SSSS TIME!! Goldberg and Rogan are running down the night's card. Highlights of Rampage's victory over Wanderlei Silva and Jardine's victory over Chuck Liddell are shown.

* Jim Miller v. Gray Maynard

Bruce Buffer is here to introduce the PPV from the Nationwide Arena in Columbus, Ohio. Miller is 13-1, 5'8", weighs 154.5 and fights out of New Jersey. Maynard is 7-0, 1 NC, 5'8", weighs 155 even and fights out of Las Vegas. Our referee in charge is Dan Miragliotta. Here we go!

Solid 10-9 R1 for Gray Maynard. He stuffed multiple takedown attempts by Miller and worse yet managed to bust up Miller's nose while only having one foot down on the ground. Miller is breathing through his mouth, wide open for the majority of the round, which could be bad news for getting clipped by Maynard in R2 or R3.

Miller's face is hamburger at the end of R2 but you have to give him heart - he kept coming forward the entire round, still looking for takedowns on Maynard, still throwing shots in the stand-up (particularly at the end of R2). An unintentional low blow by Miller got a warning when he was firing off a kick (his most successful weapon in the fight so far). Easily 20-18 for Maynard.

Miller got as close as he has all fight long in R3 when he nearly managed to hook a submission on the ground, but Maynard got out of it and controlled the entire round - taking it to standing or going down at will.

ALL THREE JUDGES SCORE THE FIGHT 30-27 FOR THE WINNER BY UNANIMOUS DECISION: GRAY 'THE BULLY' MAYNARD. Maynard is congratulated by Rogan on his improved striking, and Maynard brings over Gil Martinez to thank him for the coaching. Martinez: "We worked on the lead right hand a lot. We knew he gets a little wild. Against a fighter that works a lot." Maynard: "Ohio I love you. There's a high school championship today, St. Edwards is in it! A lot of blue collar, hard working people!" Maynard moves to 8-0 and Matt Hughes gets booed when he's shown on camera afterwards.

* Mark Munoz v. Matt Hamill

Munoz comes out to E-40's "Tell Me When to Go." Matt Hamill, Ohio's own, comes out "Hang On Sloopy" by the McCoys (the official rock song of the state). Munoz is 5-0, 6'0", weighs 204.5 and fights out of Vallejo, California (that explains E-40). Hamill's record is 7-2, he's 6'1" tall, 205 pounds and fighting out of Utica. Our referee for this fight is Dan Miragliotta again. Here we go!

MARK MUNOZ GETS KTFO BY HAMILL WITH A HEAD KICK WITH ABOUT 1:15 LEFT IN R1!! He's out before he even hits the ground. Replays of the kick show Munoz landing on his own knee as he was falling to the canvas. The right leg hit Munoz square in the ear. Here's Bruce Buffer to make it official.

OFFICIAL TIME 3:53 OF R1 FOR THE WINNER BY KO: MATT 'THE HAMMER' HAMILL! Hamill: "Of course! This is my home state. I showed my home state. My grandfather is my hero. He said never forget where you're from. This is my home state, I'm not gonna let anybody stick it to me. And dad, wherever you are, thank you for coming! All my friends, my family, thank you for coming to support me! I'm getting better and better with every fight. Please give me more time. MATT HAMILL IS BACK!!!" That was a FIVE STAR PROMO. Hamill hugs Joe Rogan and smiles for the camera.

Mir is here with Mike Goldberg. Mir says he's got a lot of scar tissue in his knee, but a couple of weeks ago his knee popped. He had surgery last week and they took FIFTY fragments out. Mir says in a little time he'll be 80%, but he'd still be five weeks out from a fight. If he came back on July 11th he'd be 100% and that would be the perfect time to face Brock Lesnar. (Lady J just checked for me and that will be UFC 100 at Mandalay Bay.)

Rashad Evans is here! If Jardine wins, he'll face Lyoto Machida. If Jardine loses, it will be Rashad Evans v. Rampage Jackson... in May? I think that's what they mean. Rashad would certainly be ready to go in May. Jackson could probably be ready to go in May if he defeats Jardine with a devastating knockout. Lesnar is in the crowd with Sable, and he gives a throat slash to signal his opinion of Frank Mir.

* Pete Sell v. Matt Brown

'Immortal' comes out to some country hillbilly song. The Voice of the AngryMarks Podcast Network tells me it's "Country Tradition" by Hank Williams Jr. Personally I'm much happier to hear the native NEW YAWKA Pete 'Drago' Sell coming out to some G-Unit. Sell is 26, Brown is 28. Sell is 5'11", Brown is 6'0". The reach is 75" to 76". Buffer comes out to do introductions. Brown's record is 11-7 and he fights out of Cincinnati, Ohio. Sell is up next with a record of 8-5 and hails from Westbury, NY. Our referee in charge of this fight is Yves Lavigne. Here we go!

THAT WAS A CLUSTERFUCK. THAT WAS A TOTAL CLUSTERFUCK. YVES LAVIGNE FUCKING SUCKS AS AN OFFICIAL. Sell was rocked by a head kick early and both men assumed the fight was stopped. Lavigne let it continue. Brown PWNED him until it was finally stopped at 1:32 of R1. WINNER BY TKO: MATT 'THE IMMORTAL' BROWN.

Rogan comes in to interview him. Brown puts over Sell as a tough guy in the interview. Sell comes over to congratulate him on getting the stoppage. Brown says Sell was smiling at him even as it was stopped. Speaking of rednecks JUNIE BROWNING IS ON MY F'N TV. UFC obviously has some time to kill after two quick fights so Goldberg runs down upcoming UFC events and the next season of Ultimate Fighter.

Goldberg confirms Rashad will fight for the title at UFC 98 before they preview Franklin v. Axe Murderer at UFC 99 in Cologne. For more on the Germany card please check out my Bonuscast w/ Oliver Copp.

* Kendall 'Spider' Grove v. Jason 'Dooms' Day (Bonus Fight)

Not much happening either way in the first minute of R1. GROVE WITH A BIG KO AND SOME BIG ELBOWS ROCKS DAY 90 SECONDS INTO THE FIGHT. That's it! Ref sees Day not defending on the ground and halts the action. Replay shows Grove hitting a beautiful straight right that crumbled Day.

Bruce Buffer. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN REFEREE STOPS THIS FIGHT AT 1:32 OF THE FIRST ROUND FOR THE WINNER BY TKO: KENDALL 'THE SPIDER' GROVE. Rogan is there for the interview. Grove towers over him by half a foot. "I thought I was gonna lose my job but, I guess not! BING!!! Looks good. First drop ever. Been working on my hands with Rudy Valentino. All my boys helped me out with this fight. Yeah Maui! I had to take some time off for my family, but to all my fans, I'm fucking back!!!"

* Shane Carwin v. Gabriel 'Napao' Gonzaga

Carwin is 10-0. 259.5. Fighting out of Denver. Gonzaga is 10-3. 257.5 pounds. Fighting out of Ludlow, MA by way of Rio De Janeiro. Danny M is in charge for this fight! He gives them official instructions since this is tonight's co-main. Here we go!

Gabe had Carwin stunned early but he survived and all of a sudden GONZAGA GETS KTFO BY A SHORT RIGHT HAND THAT LEAVES HIM OUT ON HIS FEET. He slumps to his knees and stays down on the ground for 30 seconds even after the referee stops it, so you can't think that was an early stoppage. In fact after the replays officials are still attending to him in the Octagon.

1:09 OF THE FIRST ROUND FOR THE WINNER BY KO: SHANE CARWIN. Carwin: "Yeah baby! Right off the bat Gabe caught me a couple times. My head's a little extra thick so I was able to come back, get focused, and get after it. Coach keeps bringing my boxing up, keeps working on things." Rogan compliments him and says that's got to bring him to the top of the heavyweight heap. "Amen brother!"

* Tamdan 'The Barn Cat' McCrory v. Ryan Madigan (Bonus Fight)

McCrory gets a full mount halfway through the first round and lays in some nice ground 'n pound, before looking to transition to an arm. McCrory goes back to the ground 'n pound with 1:30 left to go and Madigan has a huge stream of blood coming out of his left eye. He's not able to defend himself and the ref stops it. TOUGHEST NERD IN THE BUSINESS says Joe Rogan. He's f'n right.

3:35 OF R1 FOR WINNER BY TKO: 'BARN CAT' MCCRORY. "I'm ready to f... I'm ready to kill dude. I'm sorry I'm swearing now. I hit the gym hard, I did the right things. Every single thing goes wrong this training camp. Dana White picked my music. I'm sorry Dana. Who here knows a little show called METALOCALYPSE? I wanted "Thunderhorse." I thought I should come out to that because I came in here on my Thunderhorse and handled my fucking business!" That you did sir, that you did.

* Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson v. Keith 'The Dean of Mean' Jardine

Jardine is out first. Rampage is out second. What else is there to say? Bruce Buffer is here for the introductions. AND NOW, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. IT'SSSSSSSSS TIIIIIIIIIIIME! THREE ROUNDS, IN THE UFC, LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION. Jardine is 14-5-1, 6'2", 204 pounds, fighting out of Albuquerque, New Mexicon. That's "The Dean of Mean" for ya! His opponent is in the red corner, an MMA fighter with a 29-7 record, 6'1", 205 pounds, fighting out of Irvine by way of Memphis, the former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion, Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson!!!!! Our referee in charge of this fight Yves Lavigne. Rashad is on commentary. JARDINE DOES THE NIPPLE TWEAK. HERE WE GO~!

If I'm scoring this fight, Rampage takes round one 10-9 for doing more damage with jabs and hooks. Unfortunately I can see some judges scoring this 10-9 Jardine for doing damage with leg kicks and keeping Rampage at range. This is really one that can go either way. One of these two needs to be more dominant in the second round.

Jardine is ONE TOUGH MOTHERFUCKER, I'll give him that. He took the BEST of Rampage and survived. Several times Rampage wobbled him with punches and Jardine survived. Jardine may have rocked Rampage at least once but considering Rampage did far more damage and got a takedown to boot I'm calling this a 10-9 round for Rampge. The third round will decide it all!

Rampage keeps punching hard all the way through round three. Jardine is staying at range, getting a leg kick here or there, but just trying to hang in. Rampage gets a takedown halfway through the round and a knockdown with five seconds left, so I think this round clearly goes in Rampage's favor and Rampage wins by unanimous decision. It's going to the judge so we'll see.

Here's Bruce Buffer! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AFTER THREE ROUNDS WE GO TO THE SCORECARDS FOR A DECISION. HAMILTON 29-28. CROSBY 29-28. PEOPLES 30-27 FOR THE WINNER BY UNANIMOUS DECISION: QUINTON 'RAMPAGE' JACKSON! THAT'S THE REAL DEAL!!!

Rampage for the post-fight interview. "I feel good! It was a lot of pressure to come in here and fight Keith Jardine. Keith is tough, really tough. I didn't expect him to be that tough. My game plan was RUSH HIM. Just SICK HIM LIKE A DOG. You know what? To be honest, I needed these three rounds cause my last fight only went one. I needed that!" Replay of the last knockdown in R3 is shown. "I was countin' on puttin' him to sleep but he a big guy, a tough guy."

Rogan says his next fight is Rashad Evans. "I WANT MY BELT BACK!!!!!!" Rashad Evans in his suit and tie gets in his face. "Rampage gettin his belt back. Watch! WATCH! WATCH! I'll be well rested fo' yo' ass. I'ma knock you CLEAN OUT." Rashad: "I'll give you the first punch!" Rampage: "ALL I GOTTA SAY IS IT'S GONNA BE SOME BLACK ON BLACK CRIME!!!"

* Brandon Vera v. Mike Patt (Bonus Fight)

YVES LAVIGNE STOPS THE BOUT AT 1:27 OF THE SECOND ROUND FOR THE WINNER BY KNOCKOUT: BRANDON 'THE TRUTH' VERA.

* Jason Brilz v. Tim Boetsch (Bonus Fight)

ALL THREE JUDGES SCORE THIS FIGHT 29-28 FOR THE WINNER BY UNANIMOUS DECISION: JASON BRILZ.

Shane Carwin gets the Turning Point of the Night from BSN as Rogan and Goldberg do the wrap-up. That's UFC 96 for ya!

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