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Tha Raw Report: What Tha Fuck?!

Holy shit! I enjoyed "Raw"! I can't believe I'm saying that, but I really enjoyed "Raw" last night. Even the things that other people may shit on, I still saw positives in. As much as Vince may not like three-hour editions of "Raw", and regardless of what the ratings say, last night's "Raw" was more entertaining than a Ryan Miller shutout (which, coincidentally, also occurred last night. Suck it, Devils!)

First off, Mike Adamle fucking resigned as General Manager. I have no idea what WWE plans on doing with him now, or if he's still even under contract, but either way, he's gone, which is tremendous, because I feel that a lot of the problems with "Raw" can largely be traced to his horrific presence on screen.

The Hardys are over, so I've no beef with them reuniting for a night, even if the match was remarkably short given the amount of talent in the ring. That's four guys who can flat out go, it might have been nice to see them go longer since I can't imagine that match being more than a one-off.

The Intercontinental Championship means something again, folks. A massive battle royal with William Regal coming out on top. With "Raw" being in England next week, I'm concerned that they may put the title on Regal. Normally, I'd think that's great, but right now, the Honk-A-Meter and Santino are both red hot, there's no reason to stop going with what works. Let him get close to Honky's record, just to see him barely fail. That, in my opinion, is the best way to go.

Bret Haas shows up and makes a Montreal Screwjob reference. That is tremendous. It was his worst impersonation to date, though. He missed on capturing Bret's persona, because I was actually entertained while he was on the mic. However, it was still hilarious, and I will never get tired of Charlie Haas' gimmick. Now I'm just waiting for great mimicks like CH Punk or The Iron Haas. Kozlov proceeded to demolish him in their match, but it was still great, and Kozlov should be steamrolling guys anyway.

Okay, Morrison and Miz got buried, but holy fuck, was that a sweet Superkick by Morrison! My hope now, as agitated as I am that D-X essentially buried the tandem, is that because Miz ate the pinfall, that it only takes shine away from him and not Morrison. I lied in my earlier statement, though., as I do have one complaint. Michaels spent two months trying to kill Chris Jericho for slugging his wife. Did I seriously hear him say "I don't care if you hit my wife" last night in his promo? To quote Booker T-Tell me you did not just say that!

Mae Young is way too old to be in a match. God bless her, she's out there doing what she loves, but it was painfully clear that her days as a worker are long gone. I'd almost like to see her in a GM role, it would certainly be interesting if nothing else. And Beth managed to get a little shine by pinning a certified legend, so I'm not really hot over how this unfolded.

Does anyone here remember two months ago when CM Punk was champion? We're a long way from that, I'll tell you what. It seems like the only way he can pick up wins these days is through some sort of schmoz ending. But, on the plus side, Orton looked great in his return last night, hopefully the Age of Orton will return sooner rather than later.

Undertaker made the obligatory appearance, which is always good for a pop. JBL got jumped by Michaels and then planted by Taker, which is also always good for a pop. Okay, so maybe I'm not entirely abstaining from the Kool-Aid by admitting that I popped there, but hey, it's a special night and was a one-off that lends itself to a seemingly budding feud between JBL and Michaels, so why the hell not?

Ugh. If I see Kane and Rey Mysterio in the same ring at the same time ever again, and it's not during the Royal Rumble match, I'm going to hang myself from the nearest Bowflex. I keep asking this, but I'll keep asking it until I get a good answer-why is WWE so hellbent on continuing this storyline despite the fact that it has no planning behind it and even less steam? Nobody cares about this angle, not even the writers responsible for putting it together. That ought to be a big red flag to jump ship on the angle and move on. Apparently not.

If Donnie complains about Jericho being the World Heavyweight Champion this week on Tha O Show, I'm personally going to drive up to Toronto and cocksmack him. He'll probably enjoy it, but I don't really care. Maybe he's not the best choice to put the strap on, but ANYONE is better as champ than Batista, and Jericho/Cena, while it still won't be five-star, will be infinitely better than the alternative, Batista/Cena II. I wouldn't have even bothered ordering the pay-per-view if that was the main event.

Okay, I kinda did a rapid fire through the whole show, but honestly, I wasn't sure how to approach this review, because I turned on USA at 8 PM thoroughly expecting to have to force myself to ingest a giant shit sandwich for three hours, and I was quite off the mark. "Raw" was great last night, it's nice to know that the one week I picked to cover the show pro tempore, that they delivered.

Tha Results:
*Chris Jericho def. Batista to become World Heavyweight Champion
*Kane & Mark Henry def. Rey Mysterio & World Tag Team Champion Kofi Kingston
*Undertaker def. JBL by count-out
*World Tag Team Champion CM Punk def. Randy Orton by disqualification
*Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix, Layla, Katie Lea Burchill, Jillian, Maryse, Natalya, Victoria & Lena Yada def. Mae Young, Divas Champion Michelle McCool, Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, Candice Michelle, Eve, Brie Bella & Tiffany.
*D-Generation X def. The Miz & John Morrison
*Vladimir Kozlov def. Charlie “The Hit Man” Haas
*William Regal won an Eight-Man Battle Royal
*Matt Hardy & Jeff Hardy def. MVP & The Brian Kendrick

6 comments: on "Tha Raw Report: What Tha Fuck?!"

romello said...

I hate to admit it,but i to enjoyed the show.The thoughts i came away with were as follows:John Morrison is the FUTURE of the fed,point blank! Kane and Rey don't ever need to be in the same arena,let alone in the same match. ENOUGH of that shit storm already! The DX promo was actually entertaining,but i thought the "you can punch my wife"line was fucking stupid. Orton is back! That can only make this show stronger. Adamle was as usual,like the family's retarted uncle,outside in his underwear. How this guy ever made a living speaking into a mic,is one of the world's greatest mysteries. The belt is back on Jericho! THANK GOD! If i have to stomach "the manimal"in another main event,i swear i'll start watching Dancing with the fucking stars! Overall,a solid,entertaining show.

Downtown said...

The DX - MnM match didn't feel like a burial to me. A win would've been cool, but remember HHH is champ, plus he's HHH. A JBL attack on HBK, leading to a win for MnM would've been ideal but still a good showing for the guys.

What an awful performance by Batista last night. How many times did everyone yell at the tv "Dude! The door is right there and its open! Just step out!" And how long did Jericho have to wait on Dave to stop him from going out the door? Poor performance, Danny Bonaduce or Dustin Diamond would've done better.

Khali is a face now? huh. Him and Rey Rey tag up as the most contrasting team ever.

I really hope Santino actually wrestles Regal. I don't want to see Regal lose to some schmoz finish. Being funny is great, but you really need to prove you can wrestle and Regal can help in that area.

Anonymous said...

Damn, all this means is that it is a three way with Cena, Batista, and Jericho. How can I guess? Bitches didn't have anyone out there to stop Batista and you can't guarantee Cena will be in the best shape. Wow, Survivor Series seems to be just garbage.....That and they made Orton look like a bitch...unless making him slap people the last few weeks instead of wrestling them, as they indicated he was healty, makes him appear strong?

Persona Non Grata said...

Whoa! Raw was on last night? I was too busy watching the Steelers murder the Redskins on Monday Night Football.

D.J.B. said...

Raw wasn't bad. Mostly though what I got from that show though was a question.

Is Vince dead? Or is this triggering the comeback? Is Vince dead?

timmins masked man me said...

Raw was so-so for me. The part I cringed at the most was when all the "legends" were in the ring dancing together. Yikes!

Now, since Santino Marella has the Honk-A-Meter to see if he could become the longest reigning IC champ of all time, I think that they should make a Barry Horowitz-A-Meter for MVP. That way we could see how long it would take MVP to win a match! Reminds me of Horowitz's upset victory over Bodydonna Skip!