TiD: Damn That Was Quick

Ok, I realize I’m not a big TNA follower, so seeing their storylines change shouldn’t be a big deal right? Well, when I saw the damn storyline start there is no reason you should be teasing tension now! Let’s be logical people, I know that’s a lot to ask, but at least try.

The positive to the first few minutes of the show was Karen Angle and her dress. Like I said last time I wrote Tha iMPACT Dispatch, at least they’ve got T’n’A.

Allow me to go ahead and say that the impression of the old school ECW Dudley Boyz and Sabin as Johnny Devine was awesome. Who didn’t O for Lethal doing D-Von as Savage? That’s talent.

Allow me to take this moment to send a plea to TNA, since I know they read our shit. Get Bubba Dudley an endorsement with Nutri-system. Feed that fat ass some Evo, do something. Man-tits and ass crack are not attractive. Sorry Hammer, sorry Fatty, they just aren’t. A plea to both the E and the A, please don’t show any more man-tits.

Can somebody explain to me how this works? The MCMG and Black Machismo were doing great in getting the crowd into it, so you have Team 3Divine beat the hell out of them with them getting no offense in. Does that not completely defeat the purpose? I realize that it’s build for Against All Odds, but is it working? I didn’t think so.

Rock’n’Rave Infection, now that is an appropriate name. I feel like Booker T, old school, “tell me I did not just see that.” They came out with Guitar Hero guitars again. What the hell is that? Why don’t they go buy Rock Band and have different instruments? T.J. run down to TNA and teach those bastards what it takes to play real instruments.

If Lance Hoyt keeps dancing like that he needs to go to my new restaurant. The restaurant is called “Go Fucking Die,” and he needs to order the #1, which is a Swift Kick in the Dick with a large cup of Shut the Hell up. There are some gimmicks that should never ever make it past the production meetings.

Bullet Bob Armstrong! I just have to give it up for him, he’s the man. If I was 94 and in that good of shape, I’d be on TV too, hell if I was 20 and in that shape I’d be happy, Marlboro’s are a bitch. So with the follow up to this angle, seeing Roxxi and Selena, who I still picture in Ariel garb, I’m thinking, give me those two in baby oil, and I’ll be Jerry Lawler for an hour.

I’ve never been a big Hernandez advocate, but that’s because I’m not a big man mark. I’ll never deny his athletic ability, or his ability to work. One question I do have, did BG James pick the older partner? How old is Bad Ass Billy James these days? The finish to that match made me remember how much I missed the old powder to the eyes finish.

Just thought I’d take a quick minute to shout out that Shelly Martinez, Selena, has been missing dates with TNA to keep her dates at a porn convention. That’s just awesome. As I watched Kip James run down Roxxi for her makeup and fashion sense, I couldn’t help but think, wasn’t this the same dude who was wearing Torrie Wilson’s tights a few months ago.

Sorry, but I have absolutely no interest in talking about a Judas Banderos match, so I’ll skip that and just talk about this dumbass storyline. Word is, the E just approved an incest storyline, and TNA isn’t far. Because sooner or later some Knockout is going to have a baby, and its going to be either Abyss’ or Judas’ and she’ll be Mitchell’s daughter.

James Mitchell is pretty damn gifted on the mic, but dammit, even that can’t fix this shit. Like Ron White once said, “you can’t fix stupid.” Mike Tenay and Don West suck, it’s been said, and it bears saying again. Please stop calling them Mitchell’s sons. That’s overkill, we can see it, and some things don’t need to be reiterated.

Sharkboy 24/7 says I just threw up in my mouth. It’s like the car crash I mentioned earlier. Shitertainment at it’s best. Hey Sharkboy, when the fuck do Sharks swim upstream? Better yet, when the hell do they use a paddle? Thank God Mike Tenay said on a serious note to end that clusterfuck of a segment.

Hey, Matt Morgan doesn’t stutter anymore, sweet! I know it’s been addressed before, but is Matt Morgan ever going to be in a match? Matt Moore is having more success than Matt Morgan, and Matt Moore didn’t even get drafted. Then again he played for the Carolina Panthers, and they didn’t have a Quarterback after week 4.

How many backstage interviewers is TNA going to test drive before they settle on one? It’s like watching that old SNL where they make people listen to “Mmmbop,” over and over until they lose their mind. It’s like that, how many people can they expect someone to process? The E and the A have cycled through backstage interviewers more than Fatty Fronte has cycled through t-shirts to wipe up his joy juice.

AJ Styles, not too bright in the head? Are you serious? Nice angle, no pun intended. I love the goofy ass chicken shit heel gimmick AJ is working, and I think he’s doing the best possible job of putting it over. I still don’t think Tomko should be the center of any American storyline. He’s the shit in Japan, but dammit this is America, well North America.

Awesome Kong is a freak. I realize that turns Dante on, and more power to him. So now the black people can’t talk, and we let the Indian people do it for them? Why do I smell Vince Russo all the way here? Speaking of chicks other dudes find hot, I’m sure Hammer will self-hully to ODB’s outfit, again. I’m sure he’d like to make her scream O. Good luck with that.

I still don’t think that women’s wrestling is that big of a deal, but if it does become a big deal again, it will be solely because of TNA. I do have to give them credit for that. I did like the finish of the match and the after the match deal. Will somebody please tell me what’s in that flask? I need some of that if it makes that chick happy.

Back to the tension between AJ and Kurt, why even tease it, why even give it airtime this early? Anyway, why in the hell did Eric Young keep standing through the pyro? Finally, I get to see TNA and Booker is actually there, no cheesy via satellite interviews and no video packages. What the fuck is “White Sunshine?” Props on the Michael Jackson comments though, that got an O.

Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash look like they belong together. That is legit a team that I like. What’s up with Matt Morgan and Samoa Joe? Is that going to be Morgan’s first match? If so TNA has a lot of faith in the former WWE castoff. I don’t like the storyline of Joe ripping up the contract. It doesn’t seem like it fits, maybe it’s just me.

Kurt Angle and Tomko main eventing with Prince AJ working the special referee gig. Didn’t seem to be too promising in the beginning, and it turned out to not really be at all, did it really need a swerve on top of a special ref? Christian came down and set in motion the split of Team Angle, which was completely unnecessary.

Team Angle isn’t brand new, but it’s basically still new. If I had known that Team Angle would have only lasted this long, I’d have never popped for it. It’s a wasted storyline, and a waste of our time. I’m sure they’ll put it back together, which begs the question, why do this now? As always TNA gives too many questions. On a completely unrelated note, was the Corey Chavous that Judas wrestled the dude that plays for the St. Louis Rams? I doubt it, but never heard of any Indy guy with that name either.

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